Knowing Me, Knowing You - Radio Series Episode 1
Scan and OCR editing by Miguel Wilkins/BBAPBF

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Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’
Alan
Ah-haa! (Applause) Ah-haa. No, please, please, shh. Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You. Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, the you, the audience, here in the studio, or you, the you, the listener at home, in the car, or somewhere else, but with a radio.
Those of you who know me from the world of sport will know that I like having a bit of a chat with brawny men on the rugby ﬁeld and, er, having a bit of a chat with the soft fair waif-like moist creatures who you ﬁnd in ladies’ sports. Please, don’t write in saying that’s, saying that’s sexist ~ it’s not. 
So what better place to continue that chat than here on a chat show, my show, my own show? 
My ﬁrst guest: he’s one of the world’s great heavyweights, not in the boxing sense, he’s sixty-seven, huh, but intellectually speaking. He’s a novelist, his new novel, The Soul of Time, weighs in at nearly eight pounds, 950,000 words of thick dense type, all telling the story about, well — let’s get the potted version from the man of letters himself.
Dip thy quill and clappeth loud for Britain’s greatest living novelist, Lawrence Camley.
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’
Applause
Alan
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you Lawrence Camley, ah-haa.Welcome.
Lawrence
Ah—haa. /
Alan
Glad to have you on the show. Now, I’ve got to say, ﬁrst reaction to your book — don’t drop it on me foot!
Lawrence
Yes, it is a heavy book, but if I may be so bold there are, of course, certain literary precedents. One thinks of Proust’s A La Recherche De Temp Perdu, Dante’s Divina Commedia, Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales, which I’m reliably informed could cripple one. Maybe that’s what happened to Lord Byron?
Alan
Why, what ... what happened to him?
Lawrence
He, he had a clubbed foot.
Alan
Right. Ha ha! Ur, The Soul of Time, that’s the name of your book. Sounds a bit deep, is it?
Lawrence
Well, it’s a serious novel. I deal with the great, er, contemporary themes. But I like to think there are one or two jokes in it.
Alan
Oh great. Go on, tell us a joke. Ha ha ha! We like to start the show with a joke. It’s always great to get it off on —
Lawrence
I see I’ve got myself in sticky, sticky mud already. They’re not, they’re not jokes in the traditional Knock-Knock sense, they’re more, er, comic vignettes woven into the general fabric and architecture of the novel
Alan
It’s more funny—peculiar than funny-ha—ha then, is it? What I want to ask you is, and this is a question I’ve been dying to ask you, if you were stuck in a lift, what, what one book would you have with you?
Lawrence
Well, I would actually choose for sheer bloody-minded entertainment value,  I would be stuck in a lift with The Hound of the Baskervilles.
Alan
I don’t believe it, Sherlock Holmes. Now you’re making sense. I am his number one fan. I’ve read all his books.
Lawrence
Ye-es, I’ve read them.
Alan _ .
I’ve read all of them. Have you read all of them?
Lawrence
Probably not all of them.
Alan
I’ve read all of them. Read all of them. I love Sherlock Holmes. I’ve got all his books, leather-bound. What I thought was great about Sherlock Holmes was that not only was he a supersleuth, he was also a hard worker. Because, not only did he go out and solve the crimes, he came home and wrote it all down. Fantastic.That, that’s Why I admire him.
Lawrence
Yes. I’ve always thought it was a shame that Conan Doyle had to kill him off.
Alan
No, I think you’ll ﬁnd it was Moriarty that killed him.
Lawrence
Yes, I know, but ultimately of course it was Conan Doyle.
Alan
No, it was Moriarty, it was deﬁnitely...
Lawrence
Yes, I know, in the books it was Moriarty, but of course the ultimate responsibility was Conan Doyle’s.
Alan 
Yep, hang on. As far as I know, Moriarty acted alone. Or did he?This is interesting. You, you think that there was some sort of conspiracy involving this shadowy Doyle figure? All right, OK, fair enough. Who solved all the cases?
Lawrence
Sherlock Holmes.
Alan
Exactly.
Lawrence
Yes, but the cases were ﬁctional too, it’s all make—believe.
Alan
All right. Who lived on Baker Street?
Lawrence
I don’t know.
Alan
Moriarty?
Lawrence
No!
Alan
Did the, did the Doyle live there?
Lawrence
The Dail, the Dail is the Irish Parliament.
Alan
The Irish Parliament!This conspiracy’s getting bigger.You can’t trust anyone these days.You’ve got the Doyle, Moriarty, the Irish Parliament, it’s —~ On that bombshell, I think we’ll move on.
Lawrence
No, no, no. I’m sorry, Alan, I, I, I’d like to let this go, but, ha, I really can’t. Sherlock Holmes did not exist.
Alan
He did.
Lawrence
Look. If he had existed, how would he have been able to describe in intimate detail the circumstances of his own death?
Alan
( Long pause) Um. The Nobel Prize for Literature.You never won it. What went wrong?
Lawrence
Ha, you are an extraordinary man, Mr Partridge. I am an artist and I don’t write for prizes or acknowledgement. I write to satisfy my muse.
Alan
It’s a big ﬁsh.Your net’s full of holes.
Lawrence
All nets are full of holes.
Alan
Granted, granted. But your, your holes are too big to catch the Nobel Peace Prize ﬁsh of Literature.This, this cleverness thing. It real—, I want to get to the bottom of this. Being clever. Do you know what? I reckon that we could ask you any question and you’d know the answer.
Lawrence
I am, I am not a puppet.
Alan
Anything. Let’s just try that. I reckon that if we went to the audience, got them to ask you a question, you’d know the answer.
Lawrence
I will not take part in this ridiculous charade.
Alan
He’s a bit modest. I'm just going into the audience here. Sir, what question do you want to ask?
Female Audience Member
What is the capital of Kenya?
Alan
Good question. What’s the capital of Kenya, do you know the answer?
Lawrence
I have already told you, I refuse to participate in this ridiculous charade.
Alan
Fair enough, but it’s not the answer. What’s the capital? Come on, do you know?
Lawrence
I know the answer.
Alan
You don’t — He doesn’t know.
Lawrence
I do know the answer.
Alan
He doesn’t know.
Lawrence
I do know the answer.
Alan
What’s the answer?
Lawrence
It’s bloody Nairobi.
Alan
Well done.That’s really fantastic. Once more, there he is. Do you know he could get a lot of work on the conference circuit doing clever stuff like that? Listen.That’s all we’ve got time for.
Lawrence
Yes.
Alan
Got another question about your dog here, but there’s no time for that.
Lawrence
No, no time.
Alan
So, another big round of applause for Lawrence Camley, a clever man.
Applause
Alan
Now, my next guest is a woman who ﬁrst stamped her feet with the Women’s movement eighteen years ago. Her book, Livid Doll, was read by angry, angry and irritable women alike.  Since then, she’s written for journals as varied as Woman’s Own and the Radio Times. And now she hosts the hugely popular therapy show, Problem People, on cable TV. Please welcome the intelligent, and not unattractive, Ali Tennant.
Music.' ‘Dancing Queen ’
Applause
Alan
Hello, Ali, I’ve just come out to meet you here. Um, for the listeners. Now listen. You’ve got something very special for us today, haven’t you?
Ali
I’ve actually got two very special people with me.They are Linda and Peter.
Alan
Hi, Linda and Peter.
Ali
And they’re two people who are currently working with me on my therapy show, ' Problem Peopie, on cable TV.
Alan
Right. So these are two of the disturbed people that you -
Ali
No, no, no. They are not, it’s very important, they’re not disturbed people. They’re normal people with normal problems.
Alan
Right, um, so if anyone’s concerned, these two — just, a bit harmless. Right. OK. Right. So what are you going to do with them?
Ali
Well, I’m going to do just a brief demonstration of the kind of therapy that we work on.
Alan
Good. You got your plug in there. I’ll leave it in your capable hands. Ali Tennant and the two disturbed people.
Ali
OK. Hello, Linda.
Linda
Hello.
Ali
Hello, Peter.
Peter
Hi.
Ali
Now We’ve been working together on my three-point therapy plan, and I’ll just run through that very quickly. The three points are: the birthing of the emotions, the dialoguing about those emotions, and, ﬁnally, pledging towards a better future. So, let’s begin with birthing. Linda, would you like to birth your emotions, please?
Linda
Yeah. Um. Anger, frustration, jealousy, loathing, bitterness, um, deep resentment and, um, hate.
Ali
Bit, bit of inner turmoil.
Linda
Yeah, inner turmoil, yeah. Inner turmoil, yeah.
Ali
Thank you very much, and well done. Peter, would you birth your emotions, please?
Peter
Yes.The same really, um, but no loathing.
Ali
Thank you, Peter, and well done. Phase three, Linda. Sex with Peter.
Linda
Well, I mean, it’s obvious isn’t it? I mean it’s just not happening. I mean it hasn’t been happening for a very long time.
Ali
Well done. Peter. Sex with Linda.
Peter
Well, it’s not happening for me either, is it?
Linda
Well, I mean, that’s because you’re never there.
Peter
What do you mean — I'm never there? I sleep in the bed with you.
Linda
Can I just say something? That he comes — that he often comes back smelling of dog.
-Peter
Oh come on. Don’t start with the dog again. Every time —
Ali
OK. End of dialogue.Very good.Well done. We’ve reached pledging time.

Alan
(Offstage) You’ve got about a minute.
Ali
OK. Thank you. All right. Peter, we’re going to start with your pledge. I’d like you to say in front of all these people here and all the people who are listening at home — that’s about thirteen million people rooting for you. OK. I want you to say: I pledge to spend more time with Linda, and more time with baby Sam.
Peter
Samuel.
Ali 
Whatever, OK, and that is my pledge. Will you say that now, please?
Peter
Yep, um, I pledge to spend more time with Linda and with Samuel.
Ali
And that is my pledge. '
Peter
That is my pledge.
Ali
Well done, Peter, well done. Marvellous. Well done. OK, we’re nearly at a resolve. Linda, it’s your turn to pledge. I want you to pledge now: I pledge to spend more time with myself, and to take a lover to ease my frustrations.
Peter
Hold on — hold on a moment.
Linda
No, We’re not dialoguing.
Peter
No, I don’t think —
Ali
Peter.
*Peter continually attempts to interrupt while Linda is speaking.*
Linda -
I pledge to spend more time with myself and to take a lover to ease my frustration.
Ali
And this is my pledge.
Linda
This is my pledge.
Ali
Well done, Linda.That’s marvellous.Well done.Well done, Linda, that’s brilliant.
Alan
Great stuff. Hang on. I’m just coming over to meet them now. That was absolutely fabulous.Thanks you two for doing your pledging and stuff. I hope you’re not so disturbed any more. Let’s, er, say goodbye to you and hello to Ali Tennant. Please, come and take a seat. Come and sit down. Just, sit there. Right, sit down. Now, now.
Ali.Was that good therapy or barmy old cack?
Ali
I’ll leave it for you to decide really. I mean, your audience saw it work. So, um —
Alan
Right, and you’ve got a pretty successful success rate.
Ali
Very successful.There are people queuing up for the cableTV show, which I think is incredibly brave.
Alan
Absolutely fantastic.Well, I’ve got a - Let me give you a little problem.
Ali
Um—hum.
Alan
Let’s, let’s say, take a hypothetical situation that a bloke in his mid-thirties, got a good job, maybe in the papers, maybe in the media, who knows, and he’s got a problem at home with his wife. He’s doing quite well. He’s got a nice house, nice furniture, World of Leather sofa. Nice car, electric windows, power steering.
Ali
OK, yeah.
Alan
Central locking. Now he thinks, he’s not quite sure, but he thinks his wife’s having an affair.  Where’s the problem?
Ali
With him, with him.
Alan
Right.
Ali
Frankly, he’s clearly paying too much attention to his material possessions. I mean, God help us, his World of Leather sofa, even.
Alan
They’re, they’re actually quite comfortable sofas.
Ali
Well, whatever, but you see the point? The point you were obviously trying to make.
Alan
Yes. It’s just an example.
Ali
And I don’t blame her. I really don’t blame her.
Alan
You say it’s all his fault, but let’s try and paint the picture more clearly. Um, let’s say she never talks to him. She’s always going out to ﬁtness twice a day, every day. Why, why does she do it?
Ali
Well. In the dialoguing phase, what we do is we’d explore why she’s going out quite that frequently, and, as you saw there, ee give equal weight to each partner, so, so what would happen is that she would say: ‘I resent you spending all your time waxing your car, whatever.’
Alan
Yeah, yeah.
Ali
He’d say: ‘I resent you going out to ﬁtness three times a day.’
Alan
Fair enough. But if this man’s in the media his car’s got to look good. If he’s got a -
Ali
Well, I mean, the car is obviously just an example. 
Alan
But if the car was maroon, say, that looks terrible when it’s dirty.
Ali
Well, yeah, but I mean we’re sort of —
Alan
As an example.
Ali
We’re sort of, we’re getting off the point, Alan.
Alan
It’s just an example.
Ali
I mean that really is the basic point.We need to just air those problems as we did there.
Alan
Right. Now, tell me about sex. I mean —
Ali
Well, of course, ninety-nine per cent of the problems that I deal with are sexually related. Clearly that's the case even if they don’t appear to be on the surface.
Alan
So, sort it out downstairs then sort it out upstairs.To crystallize it.
Ali -
That’s a way of putting it, yeah.
Alan
Right, ﬁne.
Ali
Right. Um, if the woman in question is frequently denying sex, then clearly there’s an emotion behind that and that emotion is anger. And clearly there’s an emotion coming from the man, and that emotion is fear of castration.
Alan
No. No it’s not. It’s not that, no.
Ali
No, that’s, I mean that’s a very, again it’s an extreme way of putting it, but it’s basically impotence. Fear of impotence, fear of castration.
Alan
No it’s not. Now, let’s, let’s move on. Er, you’ve said your stuff, you’ve got a leaflet, got the helpline, pens, all that. Now, I say, I'm normal, me, Alan Partridge, normal.
Ali
Good, good.
Alan
You, you Ali Tennant. Bit strange. I read, I read in, I read a bit in your book that was highlighted in yellow by a researcher for me that, er, that you’re quite, you’re quite into female orgasms.You like them, don’t you?
Ali
(Laughs) Well, don’t you?
Alan
Yes. But, but, but, I mean, I, I’m quite curious as a man.What —
Ali
Good.
Alan
What — the female orgasm.What is it? I mean, I don’t mean what, I don’t, I don’t “mean what is it, I don’t mean What — what I mean — how, how does it manifest itself . . . ? When you hear, when, when it’s how, what is it, what is it, what is it, what is it, what is it, what is it?
Ali,
What’s a female orgasm?
Alan
Yes.
Ali
Um. It’s a very good question actually, and the answer that I would give you is: what’s a male orgasm? Describe what happens when you achieve an orgasm.
Alan
Uh * no.
Ali
No, I'm serious, honestly, really.
Alan
No, I don’t think so. No, no.
Ali
Because it’s really important. Just describe the process.
Alan
No. Uh, no. OK.
Ali
No, there’s no comparison.
Alan
OK, let’s leave it there. It’s over. Leave it. A great lady or a mad old trout, you decide — Ali Harris.
Ali
Ali Tennant.
Alan
Ali Tennant. Ali Tennant. Sorry, er, sorry, Ali, for getting your name wrong at the end. Ali Tennant not Ali Harris, getting names confused there, but hadn’t heard of you before tonight.  Now, um,let’s move on.
What I want you to do, by the way, is just go and move over to the other comfy chair.
Ali
Fine, OK.
Alan
Urm, I’m going to bring on my next guest. What I want you to do is obviously keep quiet for a bit, and then when I’ve got going, chatting to my next guest, please feel free to chip in. 
Now, my next guest is a man who ﬁrst made his name back in the 60s. He was voted Carnaby Street’s ‘Mister Boutique’ of I969. He knew all the pop stars. He was at all the parties. Whenever David Bailey was seen with a beautiful woman, you can bet that my next guest had been there ﬁrst. These days, his retail empire is enormous. No high street is complete without its branch of Wishing Wells, and I wish him well. Super green, super sexy, eco—friendly and bloomin’ rich, here he is, Adam Wells.
Music: ‘Money, Money, Money ’ (instrumental)
Applause
Alan
(Laughing) The end of his mike’s come off there. Adam Wells, welcome to the show.
Adam
Cheers, cheers. It’s a plezh.
Alan
Money — money, money, money, must be funny in a rich man’s world. Now, you’re here to launch your new drink, your new vegetable drink.
Adam
Vegina.
Alan
Vegina. It’s, er, made from vegetables, it’s a ﬁzzy vegetable drink.
Adam
A ﬁzzy vegetable drink in an edible can.
Alan
That’s fantastic. Now —
Adam
It’s gonna be in the shops from next week, go out, kids, and buy millions.
Alan
All right.
Adam
Buy them in buckets.
Alan
Shh. Er, right. Now, back in the 60s.
Adam
Yeah.
Alan
That’s when it all happened. Everyone was partying. All night long, all day long.Wasn’t it, Wasn’t it a great time? What was it all about, the 60a?
Adam
It, it was great -
Alan
Those parties —
Adam
Ali and I knew each other then, of course.
Alan
Did you?
Ali
Oh, very Well, yes.
Adam
We didn’t notice you at any of the parties, Alan.
Alan
Now, well, I was, my 60s were in Norwich, really, it was —We kind of called it Naughty Norwich. And it was.We had a great time, just partying all day long, all night long. I remember during one summer we just, hot summer, for about three weeks, We just had barbecues non-stop, all day long. Amazing.
Ali
Sounds, sounds incredible.
Alan
Crazy.
Adam:
It sounds fabulous.
Alan
Yeah. Suppose you were having orgies, were you?
Adam
(Laughing) I was actually. Well, I mean, we all were.
Ali
It was the thing to do.
Alan
Did you go? You went to an orgy?
Ali
I went to many, yes, yes.
Alan
How, how?
Adam
They were mixed.
Alan
How, how do you start, how did you, how did you have an orgy then? What did you do?
Ali
Ha! It’s fairly self-explanatory.
Adam
Come on. It was twenty-ﬁve years ago. I can’t remember the actual mechanics —
Alan
You must be able to. Try and remember.
Adam
— blow-by—blow
Alan
Try and remember.
Adarn
I can’t remember.
Alan
Try and remember! Did you, did you, did you, did you ever, ever see, er, what, did you ever see two girls kissing?
Adam
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the time. It was very free and easy.
Alan
Did you ever, did you ever kiss a bloke?
Adam
No!
Alan
Well, anyway, before you made your name with your vegi—shoes, you had a hit with your ﬁrst wife, Eve.
Adam
Yeah.
Alan
Adam and Eve, with that novelty hit.
Adam
Yeah, I don’t, I don’t —
Alan
Remember what it was called?
Adam
Oh yeah: ‘The Smiling Bicycle of Amsterdam’.
Alan
‘The Smiling Bicycle of Amsterdam’.Well, we’ve got a bit of a surprise for you because we are going to play that —
Adam
Oh, no —
Alan
— record that reached number —
Adam
— don’t embarrass me 
Alan
twenty-three in the charts —
Adam
— oh, no.
Alan
— twenty-four years ago. Let’s hear it.
Adam
I haven’t heard it for years.
Alan
Listen to this.
Music
‘Oh, don’t take a bus. Don’t take a tram. You’re my girl and happy I am. You’re my babe, it’s a real wham-bam. On the smiling bicycle of Amsterdam.
All aboard. Tickets, please. Room for one more pixie.’
Alan
Fantastic.Well, give a round of applause.
Applause
Adam
Oh God.
Ali
Certainly, er —
Adam
That was just so —
Ali
Certainly brings back memories.
Adam
You are, you are, you are a naughty man. That is just so embarrassing.
Alan
Yeah —
Adam
So embarrassing.
Alan
I know, but please, let me just say thanks once again for bringing that copy in.We couldn’t ﬁnd it anywhere.Thanks a lot for that. Now, um, now, that was, that was then, this is now.
Adam
Is it?
Alan
Now, yes, shh. Now,Wishing Wells, there’s a Wishing Well on every street. Adam Wells’ shop Wishing Wells — nice link with your name there — on every street. What’s the concept behind it, because it’s very different from normal shops, isn’t it?
Adam
That’s right.
Alan
It’s very sort of different.
Adam
It is very different. I invented the slogan for Wishing Wells back in ’7I. At the time I had a boutique on the Kings Road called Flair and in ’7I I thought, now I'm going to branch out, and I came out with the slogan which was, ‘No tree has died. No child has cried. To make the product that you have buyed.’
Alan
Fantastic.
Adam
And that slogan, that ethos, still holds true today. The, the whole thing about the shop was that we, we wanted to, like, sell cheap ethnic clobber to the masses, but made in Britain.
Alan
Right. So they can buy it and not feel guilty.
Adam
That’s right.
Alan
I don’t go in there so often. I’m more a kind of Argos, World of Leather man myself. Now —
Adam
You like, you like sitting on a dead cow at home, do you?
Alan
As long as they’ve, er, cut the head off (laughs) .That’d get in the way, be ﬂopping about, yeah. Now, I’ll tell you what else I bought, I bought, I bought one of those African masks.
Adam
Oh, they’re terriﬁc.
Alan
Tremendous. I, I, it was quite a, it was last Halloween. I had a bit of a joke with it. You’ll like this, er, Ali. Um, the, my two, my son and daughter had come home late. They’d been out clubbing with their friends and Denise and Fernando came in, and they, they walked into the living room with their friends. I think they wanted to watch a video or something and I hid behind the curtains, with the African mask on —
Adam
Ha! Oh no -
Alan
And when they came in and turned the lights on, I jumped out and said: ‘Buga, Buga, Luga, I’m a big cannibal. I’m going to boil you in a pot and eat you.’
Adam
(Laughing) I bet they loved that.
Alan
No, they found it very offensive.They said it was racist. Said it was racist.
Adam
Yeah, well that’s the loony-tuney left, you know.
Alan
That’s —
Adam
You’ve hit on my Achilles bugbear there.
Alan
Yes, er.You’re very different, aren’t you?
Adam
I, I am different.
Alan
Did, did, did you go to sch—, did you study at university or — ?
Adam
(Laughing) You know, or you should know, that I was educated at the Uni —
Adam and Alan
— versity of Life.
Alan
So was I.
Adam
And that’s the best place. And I graduated with ﬂying honours.
Alan
So did I.
Adam
I’m the warden of that university. I'm the rector. I'm the dean.
Alan 
Well, I’m, I’m there as well.
Adam
Ali, Ali, were you there?
Ali
I feel terribly left out, actually. No, I was at Keele, but, er, I think I’m probably doing a postgraduate course.
Adam
What are O Levels? They’re just bits of toilet paper. What are A Levels?
Alan
Well, you know.
Adam
They’re just bits of luxury toilet paper.
Alan
Yeah, that’s a point, yeah, well, I mean, I agree with you in a way there. I mean I’ve got O Levels and a couple of A Levels, but, er, you know, maybe they’re just bits of paper that you have framed in your ofﬁce on either side of the —You know, I mean, you know I’ve got six, um, O Levels. Um, got four, four Bs and two Cs and got, er, I actually got seven because I got a D in French but I retook that and got a B, so that’s seven, and got, er, two A Levels.
I, I took French and Art and General Studies, but I dropped French because it was too much, but I, I ended up with a C in Art and B, B in General Studies, which, of course, I’m quite pleased about.
Adam
Right.
Alan
Yeah.
Adam
Thanks for letting us know that, Alan. Let’s give him a round of applause there.
Applause
Alan
OK, all right, OK, no, we’ll cut 
Adam
No, I’m sorry, I was out of order. I know, it’s your show, you’re the boss.
Alan
No, that’s all right.You can say that, just — shh.Your new drink,Vegina. The advert’s been banned.
Adam
The new vegetable drink,Vegina.Yes, there has been problems with the Advertising Standards Authority. Again, loony—tuney left, students, feminists, women, whatever, whoever they are, God knows.
Alan
Right.
Adam
But these people really just get on my breasts. I mean, they are just —
Alan
Let’s, let’s see what —
Adam
Yeah, let’s -
Alan
— this is about.
Adam
— let’s hear the advert —
Alan
— hear the advert —
Adam
— and then, and then — this is the banned advert.
Alan
That you won’t be hearing.
Adam
For the vegetable —
Alan
My show. Shh.
Advert
(Alternating female and male voices) ‘Vegina.’ ‘Carlos Dawson, 42.’ ‘Vegina.’ ‘Heart attack.’ ‘Vegina.’ ‘Mary Armstrong, 3 3.’ ‘Vegina.’ ‘Knocked down by a car.’ ‘Vegina.’ ‘Jerry Davies, 62.’ ‘Vegina.’ ‘Kidney disease.’ ‘Vegina.’ ‘PaulaWillis, 5.’ ‘Vegina.’ ‘Never found.’ ‘Vegina.’ 'Maureen Hadley, 87.’ ‘Vegina.’ ‘Battered.’ ‘Vegina. For life.’ ‘Not death.’
Applause
Adam
Now, now, What, What is the problem?
Alan
That’s terrible!
Ali
It-It’s a disgrace.
Alan
The DTI are investigating you at the moment, er. Might as well mention that
Adam
Why not? Why not chuck that in?
Alan
Your sweat shops in Thailand —
Adam
They are not sweat shops.They are not sweat shops.
Alan
Well ~
Adam
They are factories.
Alan
Factories with eleven-year-old boys working eighteen-hour days.
Adam
Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let’s, let’s just get something very, very, very clear here.
Alan
All right.
Adam
In Thailand, an eleven-year-old boy is considered, in their culture, to be a man.
Alan
Ahh —
Adam
So when I employ an eleven-year-old boy, he is, in fact, a man. I am employing eleven-year-old men —
Alan
Right —
Ali
Well, that’s not how Amnesty sees it, clearly. I mean, the Amnesty Report was absolutely ~
Adam
Well, who are Amnesty?
Alan
No, he, that’s, there is a good point here, actually. Who, who is Amnesty?
Adam
I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you who Amnesty is. Amnesty is ﬁve bearded, bitter hippies.
Ali
Well, that’s great coming from you, isn’t it, because when I ﬁrst met you, you were a bearded hippy.You may not’ve —You know —
Adam
Yeah, but, I, I was never bitter.
Ali
Yes, you were.
Adam
I was not bitter.
Ali
You’re bitter, you’re bitter now.
Adam
Maybe after I met you I was bitter.
Ali
OK, let’s not get personal.
Alan
Hang on. Hey, hey, hey.
Ali
I mean, this is not hostility here.
Alan
No, Wait, Wait, wait —
Adam
We didn’t call you Miss Lemon for nothing
Alan
Listen. Let’s just, woah. Let’s cool it down. Now then, er (clears throat) We’ll, er, have Amnesty on next week, With, er, Ken Dodd, hopefully. Thailand. A bit more relaxed the culture there, isn’t it?
Adam
That’s right.
Alan
They don’t mind eleven-year-old boys. That kind of thing.
Adam
Hold on. What, what are you saying?
Alan
Just that, you know —
Adam
No, no, no, you’re always ﬂannelling about.
Alan
All right.
Adam
What are you saying?
Alan
All right. I’1l tell you what I’m saying.
Adam
Yes, what are you saying?
Alan
I, Alan Partridge —
Adam
Yes, I know who you are —
Alan
— am saying to you, AdamWells.You, in the 60s, you were a big shot.You, you, you went to loads of orgies with men and women at them —
Adam
Yes, and you’re jealous -—
Alan
I’m not jealous.
Adam
— because you weren’t there.
Alan 
I was at loads of barbecues.You were all over the place, seeing women here, women there, and, and, dabbling all over the world. Four wives.
Adam
How many women have you had, Alan?
Alan
That’s irrelevant.You —
Adam
You’ve had one.You’ve had one.
Alan
So what.The point is, and I’ve got two strapping children to show for it and you haven’t borne any children, have you?
~.
Adam
So what are? What’s that?
Alan
Right, what am I saying?You have been spreading your seed, but reaping no harvest.
Ali
Careful, Alan —
Adam
What’s that supposed to mean?
Alan .
You’re ﬁring blanks.You are, you are infertile.
Ali
Oh, now look.You can’t go saying that —
Adam
For God’s sakes — you can’t just sit here on a chat show ~
Ali
Alan —
Alan '
(Talking over Adam and Ali) And on that bombshell —
Adam
You can’t just —
Ali
Alan!
Alan
And on that bombshell, it’s time to say, that’s all from the show —
Adam
Who is Alan Partridge? Who is this guy? What is he? Look at him.
Alan
— this week. Me, Alan Partridge.Thanks to my guests, Lawrence Carnley, Ali Tennant, Adam Wells.The writers and researchers. Steve Coogan, Doon MacKichan, Rebecca Front, Patrick Marber, David Schneider and, of course, produced by Armando Iannucci.
Thanks very much and goodnight.
Applause
Alan
Thanks very much and goodnight. Well done. Great. All right. Just, er —
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’