Knowing Me, Knowing You - Radio Series Episode 2
Scan and OCR editing by Miguel Wilkins/BBAPBF

Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You’
Alan
Ah-haaaa! (Applause) Thank you, thank you! Welcome! Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You. Now, I have a letter here from a listener, Mr Tim Stringer. It says, ‘Dear Alan, I love the show, but please could you tell me, is your theme tune, “Knowing Me, Knowing You”, available on record? If so, who’s it by? Yours sincerely, Tim Stringer.’
Well, Tim, ‘Knowing Me, KnowingYou’ was originally recorded by the Swedish power-pop combo Abba, sadly no longer with us, but the version we use, we use instead, use a version of the song recorded by the Ieff Love Orchestra, which I have to say, in my opinion, is superior in essence to the actual original. So I hope that answers your question, Tim! 
My ﬁrst guest tonight is, I have to say, the PITS! That’s a joke — because — it’s a joke with a point — because I met him in the pit at the Monaco Grand Prix, because he is France’s second best racing driver! He’s sophisticated, he’s suave, please give a loud cheer and cri de coeur for second best French racing driver, le trés bon Michel Lambert!
Music: ‘Voulez vous ’
Applause
Alan
Knowing me, knowing you, Ah-haa!
Michel
Ah-haa.
Alan
Ah-haa! Or should I say, ‘Je sais moi, Alan Partreedge, je sais toi, Michel Lambert, oh-ho!’ 
Michel
(Laughs weakly)
Alan
Now, you are a celebrity, you’re France’s second-best racing driver, you get interviewed all the time. Do you get bored of the same old questions ~?
Michel
Yes, that’s very true, there’s nothing worse than an interviewer who cannot be bothered to ﬁnd an interesting angle —
Alan
Yeah, I can imagine.When did you ﬁrst want to be a racing driver?
Michel
Yes! Exactly!
Alan
Yes — yes, exactly WHEN?
Michel
(Quietly) Mon Dieu. (Replies) Well, ironically, Alan, I never wanted to be a racing driver, I actually wanted to be a chat show host, like you. But I turned up to the wrong job interview and I ended up as a racing driver —
Alan
That can’t be true!
Michel
No it’s not, it’s a joke.
Alan
Of course, the famous French sense of humour there — Now, you’re nearly at the top of your profession, and what I want to know is, how do you cope with the pressure?
Michel
I take a lot of drugs.
Alan
(Whisper) Yeah — Michel, in this country drugs are frowned upon, so — better not to mention them —
Michel
(Whisper) I was joking, Alan.
Alan
(Whisper) Right. Right. If you joke in future, could you wink at me or something? Just to let me know — they won’t notice, it’s radio.
Michel
Fine, OK.
Alan
Right! Now, what do you think about when you’re racing your car? What do you think about?
Michel
Surprisingly, I think about the race.
Alan
Right. Um —
Michel
What do you think about when you’re interviewing someone?
Alan
Well, nothing — But do you, when you’re driving along, do you ever think, ‘Oooh, sacre bleu! I’ve forgotten to set the video to record, I don’t know, Top Gear —’?
Michel
What is Top Gear?
Alan
Oh, it’s — Oh, all right then, you’ve forgotten to tape Cyrano de Bergerac with Gerard Depardue.
Michel
Depardieu.
Alan
Depardur.
Michel
Depardieu.
Alan
Depardiur.
Michel
Depardieu.
Alan
Depardiure .
Michel
De!
Alan
De.
Michel
Par!
Alan
Par.
Michel
Dieu!
Alan
Dieu.
Michel
Dieu!
Alan
Dieu.
Michel
Dieu!
Alan
Dieu
Michel
It’s not important, Alan.
Alan
Right. Knowing Me, Knowing You
Michel
I think, I think what you’re trying to ask me is, ‘Do I ever get distracted when I’m driving?’ No I don’t.
Alan
No, no, no, no, I’m quite speciﬁcally asking you, do you forget to tape Cyrano de Bergerac with, er, Gerard —
Michel
Depardieu —
Alan
Him, yeah!
Michel
No, I don’t ever forget to tape it because I saw it at the cinema when it came out.
Alan
Right.
Michel
Have you ever seen this ﬁlm?
Alan
Yes.Yes, I did see it —
Michel
You like it?
Alan
I’m — not ~ so keen on it, I mean, I don’t like What they did with the idea, they set it in the seventeenth century, gave him a long nose, maybe it made it a bit funnier — but, but for the British, Bergerac is John Nettles ~ I ~ I thought you ruined it really — I’m just glad you haven’t got your hands on Lovejoy — Probably set it in the future! When, of course, antiques will be even more expensive — Not a bad idea really!
Michel
And — the question is —?
Alan
The, the question is, yes, um, right. Are you, are you winking at me?
Michel
No, I was snifﬁng.
Alan
Oh right.
Michel
Because I take drugs.
Alan
Do you really?!
Michel
No, I was winking — See, I managed to sniff and wink at the same time, it’s a French trick.
Alan
(Quietly) Very clever — Erm, now, well —
Michel
Alan, I don’t mean to be rude, but I think we’re wasting our time here —
Alan
Er, well — I’ll be the judge of that! If we’re wasting anyone s time which, I concede, e may be — then it’s the listeners’ —
Michel
Yes, but at least the listeners have the opportunity to turn their radios off —
Alan
Ah, wrong again! You see, a recent survey reveals most of my listeners are inﬁrm, or —
Michel
But, Alan, they could at least bash the radio with their walking sticks, you know, and escape!
Alan
No! No! A lot of hospitals have it piped in, they have no control. I’ve got a list of questions as long as the channel tunnel here and I’ll —
Michel
Well, just get through them —
Alan
Right, OK. Now, right.What’s your favourite colour car?
Michel
(Pause) Have another go, Alan.
Alan
OK — fair enough —What’s your favourite haute cuisine — hot food?
Michel
Alors encore, Alan, encore!
Alan
There are some bad questions — er — right, I’ll just read through them all, you stop me if you like one.
Michel
Fine.
Alan
Right, what’s the biggest road you’ve driven on? What’s the furthest you’ve driven without stopping? No? Er — what’s the fastest car you’ve driven? What’s the slowest car you’ve driven? Thought that’d be quite — bit of a twist on that —
Michel
Alan, just read the questions, I’ll stop you when it’s appropriate.
Alan
OK, all right — do you own a bicycle? Do Formula One cars use unleaded petrol?
Michel
No, they use leaded petrol.
Alan
Right, is —
Michel
No, there’s no conversation there.That’s it.
Alan
Right, OK. Have you ever driven a lorry? Have you ever driven a tractor? A minibus? A tank? A taxi? A rocket? What’s your favourite mode of transport, land, sea, air? When you crashed three years ago, did you ver consider gi—
Michel
Giving up motor racing for good? No, I didn’t, next question.
Alan
No! I wasn’t going to say that!
Nlichel
No, you weren’t?
Alan
No, I was going to say —
Michel
A more original question!
Alan
Yes, I was going to say — Did you ever consider — the scenery? No, no, I —
Michel
Yes! I did! I looked out of the window and I thought, ‘Oh! Look at the scenery!’
Alan
No, I wasn’t, no, I —
Michel
No, you weren’t.
Alan
No, I wasn’t. Right.
Michel
How long more have you got to kill, Alan?
Alan
(Whispers) I’ve got two minutes.
Michel
You got any more questions?
Alan
(Whispers) No, I’ve run out.
Michel
Now, there is a, a traditional French custom, we always give our guests, er, special French smelling salts — so I have some here —
Alan
Yes —?
Michel
If you want to take this, put them in your nose and open up this little package here —
Alan
Well, this is —! Right, this is a — this is a French smelling salt?
Michel
Yeess — it’s a traditional French ritual — OK.
Alan
What do I do now?
Michel
Just roll up this ten pound note —
Alan
It’s like the Generation Game this, isn’t it!
Michel
Just roll that up so it’s kinda like a straw — You see this line here, just sniff that line —
Alan
I — put this, what — what do I do with this?
Michel
Put it up your nose ~
Alan
Right — you sure?
Michel
Yes, that’s ﬁne -
Alan
You’re absolutely —
Michel
It’s good for you, you’ll feel really good —
Alan
Right, what do I do now?
Michel
Just sniff it up ~
Alan
Through there? OK — (Alan sniffs)
Michel
That’s good, and the other nostril —
Alan
Yeah, OK, right — (Alan sniffs again)
Michel
That’s good — yeah, nice!
Alan
Well, thank you for that nice ritual!
Michel
You’ll ﬁnd in about twenty minutes’ time you’ll feel really good and kind of — up —
Alan
Thanks for the smelling salts! Feeling better already! And, er, now time for me to say to you, Merci beaucoupl Au revoir! Michel Lambert!
(Applause)
Great — what a nice, what a nice man — Now — my next guest is a woman who is always popping up, and, popping out if you’ve seen her chest — She’s a friend of the stars, and has a story for everyone. If British industry had half her energy, we wouldn’t be in a recession! l’m exaggerating, of course — But please give a round of applause as hopefully I get a kiss and a cuddle from Shirley Dee!
Music: ‘Super Trouper’
Applause
Shirley
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! Oh, aren’t they lovely? What a lovely audience you’ve got here! Aren’t they lovely? Oh, I’m so proud to be here, Alan, you are so lovely! Isn’t he gorgeous, girls? Don’t you think? Put on a bit of weight though since I last saw you, haven’t you!
Alan
Just a bit! Ha ha!
Shirley
Sorry, darlin’, what d’ya wanna ask me?
Alan
Shh! Now— woooah! Now. Right. Knowing me, A-
Shirley
You’ll have to shut me up because I will just carry on!
Alan
Yeah — shh — all right. Knowing me, Alan, knowing you, Shirley Dee, Ah-ha!
Shirley
Ah-haaaaaaaa! Ooooh! I just love it! It’s such a brilliant catchphrase!
Alan
Right.Yeah. Now.
Shirley V
This is a wonderful programme, darlin’ —
Alan
Yeah — right —
Shirley
— because it is just wonderful, really.
Alan
Yeah, right, c’mon, c’mon woooah —
Shirley
Sorry, darlin’, I’m goin’ on again, aren’t I?
Alan
Yeah, yeah — getting a bit tiresome —
Shirley
Yeah!
Alan
Now! Now —
Shirley
I’ll shut up —
Alan
lt’s all right, now let me ask you a question —
Shirley
I’m terrible, I Wear myself out!
Alan
Yeah — you can’t half talk ~
Shirley
I know! I’m terrible! I mean you should-a known that, you should-a been forewarned, because you’ve seen me in hospitality with that French geezer who’s also a bit of a looker, ain’t he, girls? Oh! Wouldn’t mind a bit o’ that one! But, you saw me, I was nattering away nineteen to the dozen —
Alan
He understood your Cockney accent then?
Shirley
No, we was talkin’ in French, darlin’!
Alan
Really?
Shirley
Yeah, we were havin’ a right ol’ natter!
Marvellous he is!
Alan
Tu parles Francais?
Shirley
Ooooh!Yeah! I do a bit! So do you by the sound of it!
Alan
Oui, oui, un peu!
Shirley
Oh, oui, oui, bien szir évidémmentje parle Francais, je passe souvenir mes vacances en France —
Alan
Ooh — (struggling) Tres bien!
Shirley
Mais, bien stir un homme sophistique comme toi, Alan, tu connais trés la France super bien —
Alan
Oui, oui, trés bienl
Shirley
Oh yeah, you gotta Watch me though seriously, Alan, because I will take over! I mean, I really will — in a coupla weeks’ time this will be Knowing You, Knowing Me, with Shirley Dee, y’know —
Alan
Ha, ha, ha, ha! No no no no no, that’s not going to happen. Erm — now, you, let’s not beat about the bush, you are ﬁfty-two.
Shirley
I’m nearly ﬁfty-three, darlin’.
Alan
Yeah. But you’ve still got an eye for the fellas!
Shirley
I certainly have! Not just an eye an’ all! Ha ha!
Alan
Right. And, er, presumably now, of course, the added bonus of not having to worry about getting pregnant?
Shirley
Yeah —That is, that is so — yeah, it’s true —
Alan
Right.
Shirley
He comes out with ’em, don’t he, eh?
Alan
Yeah, right, now — (sniffs)
Shirley
You’re coming down with a bit of a cold, darlin’, ain’t cha?
Alan
Yeah, it’s all right. I took some smelling salts before — Now, the thing about you is, you’re very difﬁcult to categorise, because, one minute you’ll be on Celebrity Squares, and the next day you’re on Give Us a Clue.
Shirley
That’s right, yeah.
Alan
You see what I mean?
Shirley
That is my favourite, actually.
Alan
And then suddenly, you’ll turn up on Blankety Blank, so — Now! The great thing at the moment is that they’re, they, they are making a ﬁlm —
Shirley
Yeah! About me, darlin’, I know!
Alan
About you, set in the 60s.
Shirley
Yeah!
Alan 
It’s called, Our Shirley.
Shirley
I know — I’m ever so proud.
Alan
And it’s about all the people you knew —
Shirley
Yeah, that’s right, it’s about the East End —
Alan
All those in the 60s —
Shirley
In the 60s, yeah —
Alan
Right.
Shirley
And I’m in the ﬁlm, but I’m not playing myself in it, which is even more interestin’.
Alan
No — Helena Bonham Carter is playing you?
Shirley
Yes — the young me, yeah!
Alan
That’s right 
Shirley
Which I thought was ever so weird when I heard about it.
Alan
Yeah — she wanted to get away from playing the sort of ﬂowery types —
Shirley
Yeah —
Alan
And play someone a bit, a bit rougher —
Shirley
She’s ever so good, darlin’, she’s marvellous!
Alan
And, and of course,Tom Bell is in the ﬁlm 
Shirley
Plays me Uncle Dennis, yeah.
Alan
Yes. Very good at playing those shady — types.
Shirley
Well, whatTom Bell has got is the warmth, the magic of my Uncle Dennis.This wonderful, kind, lovely, nice, nice man —
Alan
Well, you see 
Shirley
It’s so exciting for me, darlin’, really.
Alan
Yeah, I know — you, now you say ‘nice’, but your Uncle Dennis did commit murder — Served his sentence.
Shirley
Yes, he did, I mean he was in with a dodgy crowd, it was the East End, y’know, to me he was lovely —
Alan
Right, OK, now, well, well with that in mind, I have here a pathologist’s report on —
Shirley
Oh, come on, darlin’, he has been tried, he’s served his time —
Alan
I know, I know ~ it’s a forty-page report condensed into, er, this, this paragraph here, and it’s by Home Ofﬁce Pathologist and it says ‘Re Mickey Rowlands’, the victim — ‘The victim was subject to what I can only describe as a barbaric and frenzied attack. He incurred multiple fractures to the ribs and skull and sustained massive internal injuries due to multiple stab wounds. It was a combination of organ malfunctions and loss of blood which led to death from heart failure.The victim’s disﬁgurement was such that identiﬁcation was only possible with reference to dental records —’ Now, there’s nice, and there’s nice, and there’s Uncle Dennis.
Shirley
You know — he did a bad thing, a very bad thing, and he ~
Alan
‘Identiﬁcation only possible 
Shirley
Yes, I know, Alan!
Alan
‘— with reference to dental records.’
Shirley
He went to prison, he served his time and he regrets it.That is all I can say.
Alan
‘Massive internal injuries -’
Shirley
And now he’s a, don’t go on, Alan — he’s a reformed man.
Alan
‘Organ malfunctions —?’
Shirley
Yeah, I know! It was a terrible thing, it was a terrible case!
Alan
‘Barbaric —’
Shirley
Everybody knows the details, it was famous at the time.
Alan
‘ — frenzied attack —’
Shirley
You know, it’s over, darlin’. (Beginning to sound upset) You can’t live in the past, really I’m not defending him, but you know —
Alan
OK — all right.
Shirley
You gotta carry on livin’.
Alan
(Quietly) ‘Organ malfunctions —’ Now! But you, you’re not in contact with him any more, which is —
Shirley
Yes, I am, darlin’.
Alan
Really?
Shirley
’Course I am, I mean he was like a father to me. I go and see him every Christmas — he lives on the Costa — we go, we spend Christmas with him — it’s marvellous!
Alan
Right, and he follows everything you do? He watches —
Shirley
Yeah! He watches everything I’m on, on telly, all the programmes, he listens to everything ~ he’ll be listening, hello, Uncle Dennis! He’ll be listening now, you’re probably out on theWorld Service, ain’t you?
Alan
He’ll be listening to this?!?
Shirley
Yeah! ’Course he will — he never misses a trick! He doesn’t —
Alan
He — he doesn’t run that boxers’ club any more though?
Shirley
Yeah! You know about that, do you?
Alan
Really? Oh —
Shirley
Yes, he does — boys’ club on the Costa. Those boys — he drags them up from nothing, and they would do anything for him — they’d go to the ends of the earth — it’s marvellous really.
Alan
Really?
Shirley
It’s really sort of warming to see.
Alan
Umm — he will realize — if, if he’s listening — he will realize that that was — just a joke, reading that pathologist’s report. If he’s listening, I’ll address him directly —
Shirley
Alan, there’s no need, it was just a little joke!
Alan
No! Wait A no! Dennis! If you’re listening —
Shirley
Alan!
Alan
Shhhh! I have to say this — Dennis, it was, it was just a joke, I’ll probably edit it out, don’t — it’s no reﬂection on you ~ I realize it was a long time ago, and — things in the past should be dead and buried A I, I — unfortunate phrase there — but I—
Shirley
Alan, just leave it!
Alan
Wait, no! I’ve got to say this — y’know, it was a long time ago, you, it was, you lost your temper, you murdered a man, it, it, it, it — by all accounts, he was a rather unsavoury character » and, y’know, the world’s probably a better place without him ~ and, and in a, in a way, thank you — for, er, for bringing him to the ﬁnal court of justice. So — once more — Uncle Dennis, thank you for stabbing him to death, and thank you Shirley Dee for being my guest! Shirley Dee!
Applause
We’re gonna change the tone a bit now. (Clears throat) ‘It’s cold — it’s damp, it’s dark, I want to go home, I want to be in a warm bed, but I can’t because I’m chained to a radiator in a cell.’ Of course, I’m not — my next guest was because he was a hostage for two years in Liberia in the civil War. Don’t expect him to be too perky, he was only released six months ago, and — he’s still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder! Please welcome, Chris Lester!
Music: ‘SOS’
Alan
Knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you, Chris Lester, Ah-haa!
Chris
Ah-haa!
Alan
Right. Erm, thank you for being my hostage today — I assure you, I, I won’t be keeping you for longer than ten minutes. Right, now, you were conﬁned, you were conﬁned for two years ~
Chris
Two years, that’s right.
Alan
Now, how long is that, exactly?
Chris
Well — it — yeah it’s a, it’s a long time when you, when you don’t know when it’s going to end, I mean it’s a long time out of anyone’s life.
Alan
Right — yeah — I mean, let’s sort of break it down — it’s a hundred weeks — it’s — it’s eighteen thousand ~ hours. Eighteen thousand episodes of The Darling Buds of May, if you like — erm — or, or in another way, thirty-six thousand episodes of Knowing Me, Knowing You — it sounds like torture.Was it? Was it torture?
Chris
Well, obviously psychologically, I mean we weren’t — we were just, we were just political pawns, you see. 
Alan
Pawns in a game of — cruel chess!
Chris
Yeah —
Alan
Who were the bishops?
Chris
Yeah. I don’t think the metaphor stretches really.
Alan
OK. All right. Now, how, how — a question I’m sure everyone wants to know is, how did you relieve the boredom?
Chris
Yeah, um — well you have to keep yourself mentally active all the time, because you can’t be active physically, so you invent games, you play games, for example, ‘Shopping’ — I don’t know if you know the shopping game, where you say —
Alan
No —
Chris
‘I Went shopping and I bought an apple.’ And then, ‘I went shopping and I bought an
apple and a banana.’ You see —A — B — ‘I went shopping and I bought an apple and a
banana and,’ something beginning with C, a cucumber or a carrot —
Alan
Cake!
Chris
Cake —
Alan
Or coat! Or —
Chris
Coat, yeah, it could be anything beginning with C — and you have to —
Alan
Or, or cheese!
Chris
Yeah —
Alan
It’s not got a ‘ker’ sound but it, it counts!
Chris
Cheese is ﬁne — apple, banana, cheese —
Alan
So—D—D~,er—
Chris
Are we going up to Z on this, are we?
Alan
No, no, no — it’s not a good idea to — go to — to Z ~ Zebra! Whilst you were there, What I want to know is, there must have been some — funny incidents. There must have been — something funny must have happened.
Chris
Well ~ no, no not re— I mean you’ve got to imagine the situation — you’re in the cell basically for twenty-four hours a day.
Alan
I know —
Chris
There’s no exercise —
Alan
I know it was depressing, I just don’t want to dwell on that. I really don’t want to — it, it’s —
Chris
I — I really can’t — you know, it wasn’t that sort —
Alan
I’m not asking for that, look, I’m just saying will you do something amusing? Can you
tell us an amusing story? C’mon!
Chris
Erm.Well. After about six months in prison, I found, scuttering across the ﬂoor, a little beetle, and I called it Hope. And after about six months, I fell asleep and the matchbox was open and Hope escaped, but — in a way I wasn’t sad because Hope had escaped and I felt that pre—ﬁgured in a way my own escape, which indeed it did, because I escaped twelve months later —
Alan
Hmm.You’re absolutely sure that’s the funniest thing —? Li—listen, if you can remember anything, please, this is very important ~
Chris
Well, I can’t guarantee —
Alan
If you can remember anything funny in the rest of the interview just cut straight in with it.
Chris
OK. Right. Fine —
Alan
(Whispers) D’you know ~ and if you want — you can make something up, it doesn’t matter, doesn’t really matter — in fact — if you want to get one of the researchers to get Frank Muir’s Book of Anecdotes, just dress it up, change the location but it doesn’t matter, and, I just want you to get the audience on your side — because, er, I have to say, at the moment, you’re coming across as a bit of a sour—puss — I don’t want the punters to think you’re a bad egg, I know you’re not.
Chris
I don’t think you’re quite understanding the situation, you have to make do with what you have in those, in those sort of situations ~You don’t have much of a choice.
Alan
Well! I mean you did have a choice, this is what you’ve not told the audience! That for two years, you were chained to another human being!
Chris
Phil?
Alan
Phil!You had a choice between talking to a human being, on one hand, and a dung-beetle on the other!
Chris
Yeah, not a dung-beetle, an elm-beetle.
Alan
Yeah, whatever, they’re all stupid! I mean — Now, I think it’s about time we had a surprise — a surprise for you! Yes! He was chained to you for two years! You’ve not seen him for six months! He impressed us all with his good humour and positive attitude when he was released — please applaud loudly and freely for Chris’ comrade in chains, Phil Collins!
Music: ‘In the Air Tonight’
Applause
Alan
Knowing me, knowing you, ah-haa!
Phil
Ahrr-haaaa!
Alan
Now, before we go any further, get it cleared up straight away, you’re not the real Phil Collins —
Phil
That’s right, no, no, I’m not the bald guy in Genesis —
Alan
Nah, it’s just, just got the same name —
Phil
Ha ha! That’s right.
Alan
Now, you were incarcerated for two years — just to recap on the maths of that, it’s, it’s as I say, er, thirty—six thousand episodes of Knowing Me, Knowing You —
Phil
Yup —
Alan
Eighteen thousand episodes of The Darling Buds of May, and, actually, another Way of looking at it, it’s nine thousand episodes of Inspector Morse! It’s not — not so bad when you look at it like that, is it?
Phil
Ha! Yeah, I wish we’d had a video! He he he! 
Alan
Now, the ﬁrst time I decided to have you on the show —
Phil
I don’t like the sound of that, Alan! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Alan
Great! It’s great! Great! Like that! Funny! Now, the ﬁrst time I decided was at the press conference when you were released —
Phil
Yeah -
Alan
Because — it was a very momentous occasion, it was televised all round the world - Chris, you came on and gave a very harrowing account of your experience, and then!You came on, Phil, and you were hilarious!You really were!
Phil
I have a very positive view of everything, I always my to keep positive, like yourself, Alan —
Alan
Absolutely.
Phil
So, on the day, when it was time for me to speak, I stood at the desk, and I picked up this big ball and chain, plonked it on top of the desk, and I said, ‘Phew! Glad to see the last of that!’
Alan
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Phil
And ripped off the chain from the ball, because it was made of polystyrene! And —
Alan
Ha ha ha! That —
Phil
And everyone fell about!
Alan
That — they were big laughs, when you did that!
Phil
Yeah, then, if you remember, I stood on the desk —
Alan
Hmm.
Phil
— and I sort of shook all this sand out of my pockets, like I’d just escaped from Colditz! Like in the ﬁlm —
Alan
Yeah, that didn’t go down so well. Now, but the great thing about you is, you’ve got your book out —
Phil
That’s right!
Alan
I’ve read it, it’s brilliant, it’s dynamite! It really is! It’s called, Hostage —
Phil
Exclamation mark! Don’t forget that!
Alan
That’s right!
Phil
And then it’s got my name, ‘ Phil Collins’ in big gold-embossed letters, and then in brackets underneath it, ‘not in Genesis —’ Just so people know, it’s clear.
Alan
So people know. Right, OK, now, read an extract out! Come on —
Phil
Yeah, I’ve got an extract here, prepared —
Alan
Really cookin’!
Phil
Just so people understand what the plot is, basically it’s, it’s as I said, based on me and, er, Chris, in the cell, but I’ve kinda changed it a bit — ‘It was morning — early — six. Paul Carter snapped awake instinctively. Alert, ready. Les Christopher lay on his side, his thumb in his mouth, sucking like a baby.’
Alan
Yeah!
Phil
‘Carter rose from his bunk. His feet felt the hard cold stone grey ﬂoor. Feet that had trod every trouble spot in the world. Feet that had tasted a touch of danger. Feet that had seen too much.’
Alan
Brilliant!
Phil
‘A black beetle scuttled across the ﬂoor. Instinctively, Carter crushed it with his heel. It shattered with a satisfying crunch. Carter smiled —’
Chris
Can you — er, excuse me, Phil, one moment — was that my beetle?
Phil
It’s ﬁction!
Chris
Did that happen? Did you crush my beetle? Is that What happened to my beetle?
Alan
Oh! Oh! Uh-oh! Oh! Oh!
Phil
Chris! It was six months ago! It was an accident!
Alan
Hang on —
Chris
You ~ it was another accident?!
Phil
I didn’t crush it on purpose!
Alan
Hang on!
Phil
I woke up one morning, your beetle was scurrying —
Chris
It cannot be — another thing you have done ~
Alan
Look!
Phil
I mean if you weren’t so busy walking around — just because your book’s not selling, Chris! 
Alan
Please! Oi! Hey! Stop, everyone! Are you staring at me?
Phil
No —
Alan
Err — the thing is — I want to point out that Hope was crushed but it was Hope the cockroach, not hope the, the ideal. Hope, ho — ho — hope the — the — the — what are they laughing at? No -
Phil
Alan, are you all right?
Alan
(Sniffing) Yeah, I’m ﬁne! Erm, you didn’t crush a beetle?You didn’t crush John Lennon — he’s a beetle, didn’t crush him. He’s — that would have been bad he’s already — dead. Paul McCartney’s still alive he’s doing — with Linda — 
Phil
Are you sure you’re all right?
Alan
— McCartney, she’s doing the vegetarian dishes — microwave dishes, erm, vitamin deﬁciency, erm, and (sniffs) I’m — I’m —I’m — I’m really hungry, actually! I’m really hungry! Have you got any corn ﬂakes? No? With sugar ~
Phil
No —
Alan
I’m just ~ I just like frozen food. I like going home, and get the frozen food and cook it up — and it’s really nice — put it in a bowl and eat it, right and I put the video on and I’ve got —TV! And, er, it’s the biggest TV you can get —
Phil
Alan, have you taken something?
Alan
Six feet across! TV — and it’s like a big eye, in the room and it sort of stares at me! It scares me! I don’t like it!
Phil
Alan!
Alan
I don’t like it! I’m not going home tonight!
Phil
Alan!
Alan
What? What?
Phil
I — I think you’ve taken some drugs.
Alan
I’ve taken drugs!
Phil
Yes.
Alan
I, I, I have taken — on that bombshell! I, Alan Partridge have taken drugs — Chris Lester! Chris Lester, Phil Collins, Phil Collins, the famous one, er, Shirley Big-tits, er, the Frog! Er, the writers and researchers — Steve Coogan, Patrick Marber, Rebecca Front, David Schneider, Doon MacKichan, produced by Armando Iannucci, see, see, er, next week! Er, right yeah! Right.
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’