Knowing Me, Knowing You - Radio Series Episode 3
Scan and OCR editing by Miguel Wilkins/BBAPBF

Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You’
Alan
Ah-haaaa! (Applause)Welcome. Ah-haa, or should I say,Yee-haa! — because I, Alan Partridge, am broadcasting live from Las Vegas, US of A, stateside. I promise you tonight we’ll have a real half-pound cheeseburger of a — of a show for you. And it’s a cheesburger that contains lots of meaty chat, a salad ofwit and a — a flap of amusing cheese, all held together by my sauce of to-mah-to ketchup, or you here in the States, to-may-to catsup (under his breath) that’s what you say. 
Now, for those of you listening beneath the Star-Spangled Banner who haven’t heard of me, I’m a sort of an English Johnny Carson and, for those of you listening beneath the Union Jack, I’m Alan Partridge.
Now tonight for various reasons my producer and American co-producers here inVegas thought it would be a good idea if I had an American co-host, and that’s great, it’s a good idea, I agree with it. So to that end, please welcome my co-host, or should I say hostess ~ perhaps I shouldn’t say hostess, because that in England is a whore, and she’s, she’s not a whore, she’s not a whore, nevertheless, she’s the sort of woman you wouldn’t mind paying cash to be with, because she’s so beautiful and lovely. Please welcome supermodel Kendall Ball. 

(Music) (Applause and cheering) All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, right, right, right, OK, right, shh, shh. Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Kendall Ball, ah-haa.
Kendall
Ah-haa. Hi everybody, how ya doin’? (Applause, whistling) It’s great to be in Vegas, OK.
Alan
Yeah, right, right, fantastic, Kendall, it’s swell or, in English, great to have you on —great to have you on my show.
Kendall
Well, it’s great to be on the show, Alan.
Alan
My show. Now, now, in case anyone listening doesn’t know who you are or what you look like, I’ll describe you to the listeners. Now, she’s very beautiful, she’s very tall —
Kendall
No, please, Alan, I, I have these sticking-out ears that look like Prince Charles, I —
Alan
Oh, come on, you don’t look like Prince Charles.
Kendall
Well, I hate them.
Alan
His Royal Highness isn’t someone who I— I — share — and I, ah, agree with a lot of what he says, but he’s a deeply ugly man.You’ve got a lovely, you’ve got a lovely little beauty spot there ~
Kendall
Well, this is a mole, Alan.
Alan
I — I don’t like you using that word, it’s not a mole —
Kendall
It is, I had it removed —
Alan
It’s — no, come on, it’s not a big fat mole with a tuft of wiry hair growing in it, it’s — you know, to describe you basically, wh-what you’re wearing, you look like a million dollars, your legs go right up to your armpits, uh, not literally that would be hideous, um, but, er, so remember, remember, please, to listen to me and look at her. Don’t get it the other way around, please, that will be, that will be awful. 
OK. Our ﬁrst guests are a married couple. In fact, they’re one of Hollywood’s star couples.
Kendall
She is the daughter of legendary star Mimi Langland and sister of the equally legendary star Laura Langland, and of course as a superlative singing star in her own right.
Alan
And he is a British actor, gentleman star, who ﬁrst twinkled his bright talent in the Hollywood galaxy forty years ago when he starred in the ﬁlm Little Lord Fauntleroy. 
Kendall
So please give a glittering reception to Sally —
Alan
I say that. Sally Hoff and Conrad Knight!
(Music: ‘Thank You for the Music ’)
(Applause)
Alan
(In the background) Oh dear. (Loudly) Knowing me, Alan Partridge-
Kendall
Knowing me, Kendall Ball
Alan
Knowing us, Alan Partridge and Kendall Ball, knowing you Sally Hoff and husband Conrad Knight, ah-haa.
Sally
Ah-haa.
Conrad
Ah-haa.
Alan
Now, if I can start with you, Sally.
Sally
Hi.
Alan
Lovely, Sally —
Sally
Hello, Alan. Hello, Kendall —
Kendall
Oh, it’s lovely to meet you, Sally —
Sally
Thank you so much ~
Kendall
I’ve admired your work for many years —
Sally
Oh, Kendall, that is such a lovely thing to say —
Alan
Right, lovely, lovely, shh, shh.
Conrad
Isn’t Sally terriﬁc?
Alan
Yes, she’s lovely, yes. Sally, you are the daughter of the legendary Mimi Langland
Sally
That’s right.
Alan
Er, sister of the legendary Laura Langland.
Sally
Uh-huh.
Alan
Now, she is so busy, isn’t she? She’s —
Sally
She’s wonderfully busy. I’m very proud of Laura —
Alan
Hectic schedule. She’s certainly — I know for a fact she’s working tonight. Um, as is Carly Simon, Liza Minnelli, Barbra Streisand, all working tonight, um, but you are available, that’s important.You’re here.
What was it like growing up in a famous family? Must have been marvellous.
Sally
Alan, it was magical. I had a fairytale childhood.
Alan
With your mother Mimi Langland. I love those ﬁlms she made.
Sally
Oh, I’m so happy —
Kendall
Sally, tell us about your mother’s alcoholism.
Alan
Oh, come on, we want a sole living memory of — her mother was a ﬁne, wonderful, musical actress. I don’t want to think about her mother as some drunken woman wandering around Sunset Boulevard in her bare feet with mascara running down her face, directing trafﬁc, holding a bottle of gin in her hand. I want to think of her sitting on a haystack and singing ‘Hopscotch Girl’ in a pink dress.
Sally
Well, yes, it was a very private problem. I’ve written a book about it, that’s all there is to say.
Alan
Conrad, you published your autobiography, Agent in LA.
Conrad
A Gent in LA (laughs).
Alan
Published in — published in 1979, which had very bad reviews.There was a particular bubble in Spy Magazine. It simply changed one of the words in the title of your book, they changed the ﬁrst two letters of the word ‘gent’ —
Conrad
Yes.
Alan
— and left the last two —
Conrad
Yes.
Alan
A so it was ‘A Something in LA’.
Conrad
Yes.
Alan
Right.
Conrad
And I — I immediately sued Spy Magazine.
Alan
Hmm.
Sally
Sadly he lost the case.
Alan
Hmm. In fact you set a legal precedent, ecause you’re one of the few people who can now be referred to in print as that thing, without fear of litigation.
Conrad
Yes, that’s absolutely right, Alan. Um, but no other medium. Just print.
Alan
Just print. So, I couldn’t call you that?
Conrad
No, but you could fax me.
Alan
Right. Or indeed scribble it down on a piece of paper and hold it up to your face.
Conrad
That would be perfectly legal, yes. And people do do that.
Kendall
Conrad, can I ask you about the McCarthy era? Um, this was a very sticky patch in your career. I wonder if you could eliminate it for us.
Conrad
Oh, I Wouldn’t say it was a sticky patch — it was a time when one had to stick to one’s principles and I did.
Alan
It was, because at the time you were under a lot of pressure, as were many people, and you were called before the House Commitee of un-American Activities —
Conrad
Yes I was.
Alan
— before Senator Joseph McCarthy. Very intimidating man —
Conrad
He certainly was.
Alan
~ and I remember hearing the tape. He asked you, he said, ‘Will you name any people who you knew to be members of the Communist party?’, and you said — 
Conrad
Humphrey Bogart. Charles Chaplin. Arthur Miller, Elia Kazan, John Huston —
Alan
Fantastic. Fantastic.Well done.Well done. Charlie Chaplin especially. I’ve always, I’ve heard about him being a Communist, and, whenever I Watch those ﬁlms like Goldrush, you know, and see him walking along, that walk seems sinister, somehow.
Conrad
Yes.
Alan
The walk seems to be saying, ‘Be a Communist’.You did the series of dinosaur ﬁlms, didn’t you?
Conrad
Yes.
Alan
Now, they were rubbish.
Conrad
Well, Alan, one of them won an Oscar.
Alan
Yeah. Best use of an animated dinosaur.
Conrad
Well, I, I’ve done better Work of course.
Alan
But have you?
Conrad
Well, I have my business interests.
Alan
Would you want to tell us about those? What are your business interests?
Conrad
Conrad Knight socks.
Alan
Wh—wh—wh—what’s that?
Sally
They’re very distinctive socks —
Conrad
Conrad Knight socks.
Sally
They have a special kind of crest, it’s ~ it’s Conrad’s historical family crest, which I designed myself —
Conrad
Conrad Knight socks.
Alan
Hang on a second.You’re advertising.
Conrad
Conrad Knight socks.
Alan
All right. Put a Conrad Knight sock in it.
Conrad
Conrad —
Alan
Shut up! Now, 1991 was an annus horribilis for you two, wasn’t it? Conrad, you had a massive heart attack.
Kendall
Sally, that was a terrible year for you as well.
Sally
It was awful.
Alan
You had a total nervous breakdown.
Sally
Er ~ hmm.Yep.
Alan
Your nerves collapsed completely, didn’t they?
Kendall
How did you cope?
Sally
Kendall, it was very tough.The important thing is that what We experienced then was a tremendous outpouring of love and emotion, from friends and fans.
Kendall
Yeah. Beautiful.
Sally
I have a letter here. May I read this letter?
Alan
Please do read the letter. Is it long?
Sally
It’s very, very brief —
Alan
Good.
Sally
— and very beautiful. It’s a letter that was from a little old lady from Massachusetts, speciﬁcally about Conrad’s illness and it simply says this. It says, ‘Dear Conrad and Sally, I have heard that Conrad is very ill. I do not know either of you, but I know your work (starts sobbing) and I value you. I feel as though I love you both. I have’ — I’m sorry — ‘have very little left to live for and if you die, I will have nothing ~ Please, Conrad, don’t die!’ and it’s just, I’m sorry, it’s just, it’s a very beautiful letter, and it’s the kind of thing that —
Conrad
And I wrote back to her and I wrote, ‘Dear old lady,Thank you for your terriﬁc and moving letter and we love you. Please, don't die.’ And I enclosed with the letter a pair of Conrad Knight socks to cheer her up.
Sally
It was a lovely gesture.
Alan
(Emotionally) Did — did she write back?
Conrad
No. She died.
Alan
(Sobbing) Wh-why-y—y? Why do people have to die?
Kendall
(Alan sobbing throughout) The important thing is, it’s a wonderful thing, um, I think we should wind it up here —
Alan
(Still sobbing) N0, no, no.This is —you’re listening to Alan Partridge.This is a beautiful moment of emotional outpouring.This is a transatlantic sea of tears that you’re hearing now on Radio Four — um — right (regains composure) uh, over to you, Kendall.
Kendall
I believe you two have a little surprise for Alan.
Sally
We do, Kendall, we’d like to sing a little song for you.
Kendall
Aww.
Alan
Ooh, well, thank you.
Conrad
Um, more of a surprise, Alan, you’re going to sing with us.
Kendall
Ooh, yeah.
Alan
Oh, I can’t sing.
(Audience applaud loudly. The others encourage him.)
Alan
Oh, OK
(Music starts.)
Saly
I know you better than I know myself — Thank you, very kind — oh, so much better than I know myself.
Conrad
She does, you know.
Saly
I know the tricks you play
Conrad
What tricks?
Sally
I’ve seen them every day. No wonder I ’m bored
Conrad
Bored?
Sally
No wonder I’m mad
Conrad
Conrad Knight socks. 
Sally
No wonder I’m crazy over you
Alan
Fantastic!
Kendall
Woo-hoo—hoo! Welcome to Vegas!
(Audience)
Woo-hoo—hoo!
Alan
I ’m at home in Vegas, ’cos that’s where — you’re putting me off — I belong
Kendall
What a guy.
Alan
You can bet~ oh yeah, you bet ~ on Vegas, the only town to move me to say —
Kendall
He’s terriﬁc.
Alan
I have seen the best. North, south, east to west. From Shanghai to Timbuktu. O ~ o ~ 0 — That’s quite far way —
Alan and Sally
Oh, we ’re at home in Vegas
Alan
YES! And I ’m at home in Vegas too. Thanks for being on Knowing Me, KnoWingYou.
(Huge applause.)
Alan and Kendall
Thank you.
Kendall
Thank you. Now, would you all —
Alan
W0ah-whoah-whoah-whoah-whoah. I start. Knock-knock!
(Audience)
Who’s there?
Alan
Alan.
Audience
Alan who?
Alan
Alan Partridge. Now, you probably guessed, I’m not a comedian.
Kendall
But our second guest most deﬁnitely is. Now, he learnt his comedy skills in the Catskills. I-Ie’s got belly laughs in the borscht belt, and every time he comes to Las Vegas, he’s a sureﬁre comedy winner. He is my—
Alan
Twice — twice this week, I’ve shouted ‘Book him!’ Once, when I was commentating on a football, or soccer match as you say and Stuart Pearce committed a particularly nasty foul, and I shouted ‘Book him!’ The second time was when I was having a meal last night in the hotel carvery and I saw a very talented NewYork Iewish comedian, and I shouted ‘Book him!’ His name is Bernie Rosen, so please welcome Bernie Rosen!
Applause and music
Alan
Knowing me, Alan Partridge.
Kendall
Knowing me, Kendall Ball.
Alan
Knowing us Alan Partridge and Kendall Ball, knowing you Bernie Rosen. Ah-haa.
Bernie
Ah-haa.Ya, knowing me, but obviously not in the biblical sense, ha ha! Though we live in hope, eh, Kendall?
Kendall
Huh, yeah, sure, huh.
Bernie
Who are these people here? You know, they all look so depressed, you know, that’s the thing about Vegas, you know, we Jews, we got so much money here inVegas, we call it Oi-Vegas, yeah. I mean, look. Look at that woman over there, you know, look at that lady there, she looks like she just got here from a funeral, you know, her own ~
(silence in the studio).
Kendall
Bernie, Bernie, I’ve noticed the way you came in was, like, full of conﬁdence — 
Bernie
Full marks there, Kendall.
Kendall
Is your comedy a sort of defence mechanism?
Alan
No, no, can we just, I don’t want to get too heavy, look. Bernie, Bernie. Bernie
Yeah, Alan.
Alan
Who’s our favourite comedian?
Bernie
Well, I s’pose I gotta say Milton Berle, you know, I —
Alan
Who’s he?
Bernie
He’s my favourite comedian, y’know.
Alan
Right, um, who’s your favourite British comedian, that people in Britain might have heard of?
Bernie
I-I’m sorry, Alan —
Alan
Tommy Cooper?
Bernie
No. No, Alan.
Alan
Tommy Cooper? Oh come on, he did tricks badly, you know, he died at the Palladium.
Bernie
Alan, I tell you something, we’ve all died at the Palladium, you know.
Alan
( Sigh) Wh-what’s your favourite situation comedy?
Bernie
Ah, yeah, oh, my marriage is my favourite sitcom, you know, we’re on to our twenty-second series and the ratings are terrible, you know, and the good news is, they’re writing my wife out of the next series.
Alan
Really, I-I’m sure you’re a very funny man, but you never answer the question. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Bernie
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you should hear my cousin Morris, the Latvian accountant (gabbles incomprehensibly).
Alan
Would you just answer the question?!
Kendall
Alan, Alan —
Alan
What’s your favourite sitcoml?
Bernie
The Golden Girls.
Alan
Right. Right. Mine is Robin ’s Nest.
Bernie
Right.
Alan
It was, it was brilliant, actually. Richard O’Sullivan ran this restaurant and it really was chaos. Yeah, and the man who did the washing up only had one arm.When you think about it, it’s ridiculous. Need-need-needless to say that plenty of plates got broken and Robin got annoyed. It was very funny. Now, let’s move on, let’s not beat about the bush. You are a Jew.
Bernie
Alan, hey, you said you wouldn t tell anybody. The secret’s out!
Alan
What d’you mean? Everyone knows.
Bernie
It’s a joke, Alan, you know, I was joking.
Alan
Oh. You were very funny last night.
Bernie
Yeah, well, you know.
Alan
Look, in, you see, in Britain there’s a rich stream of Jewish comedy, there’s, ah, all the famous ones, Shylock, Fagin,Topol, Maureen Lipman in the British Telecom ads, which depict modern Jews accurately and hilariously, but, of course, there are different kinds of Jews, aren’t there?
Bernie
Oh, sure, yeah, sure, Alan, you know, we got, we got conservative Jews, we got reformed Jews, liberal Jews, orange Jews, apple Jews —
Alan
A-apple Jews.Wh-what are they?
Bernie
No, Alan, that, you know, it’s, it’s a joke, Alan, it was juice, Jews, you know it sounds the same.
Alan
Did you, did you do that joke in your act?
Bernie
No, I wrote it for tonight, yeah.
Alan
Well, you shouldn’t have bothered.
Bernie
Yeah.
Kendall
Bernie, could I ask you a question?
Alan
Keep it light.
Kendall
How do you deal with anti-Semitism in your profession?
Alan
Oh, Lord!
Bernie
Could I answer that?
Alan
Don’t! No, look, I don’t want to get into this whole dangerous area of anti-Semitism, I, look, please, Bernie, for God’s sake, please, tell us a joke about Jews.
Bernie
OK, OK, on ya, I’ll tell you a Jewish joke. I, I said to my wife, Ida, ‘Ida, how come you never tell me when you orgasm?’ , and she said to me, ‘Bernie, it’s ’cos you’re never there!’You know, when I orgasm, you’re never there, you know — it’s — you know — 
Alan
Hang on, hang on — oh yes, yes! (Laughs hysterically)
Bernie
Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, OK, we have contact!
OK.
Alan
I’ve got a great joke about Jews. Right, did you hear about the Jewish hotel keeper? He, he kept a fork in the sugar bowl for goodness sake.
Bernie
No, uh, Alan, that’s not a Jewish joke, that’s an anti—Jewish joke.
Kendall
Alan, that stereotypes Jewish people as being mean.
Alan
Well, I wouldn’t want to say that you were mean, in fact I noticed when I met you tonight the ﬁrst thing you did when I met you in the bar, you went and bought me a drink, and I — I remembered you did that and I thought, ‘Yes. Good.’
Bernie
Yeah. I mean, that’s very nice of you, Alan, but the important thing is not to generalise, you know, I — I just met you.You’re the only person I know from, where’re you from, er, Nor-wich?
Alan
Norwich.
Bernie
Yeah, and, ah, just knowing you I’m not going to think that everyone in Norwich is, is —
Kendall
Stupid.
Alan
People aren’t stupid in Norwich.
Kendall
I wasn’t — I wasn’t saying they were stupid.
Alan
No, let me nail this ghost to the coffin, once and for all. Norwich people are not stupid, let me tell you something, let me tell this American audience something. In Britain, we have centres of excellence: Oxford, Cambridge and Norwich. And so people in Norwich are different. Living in Norwich is not just a way of life, Norwich is an attitude. I will not have that kind of prejudice thrown upon me from someone like that. Dis-disgrace.Thank you very much — you were so funny last night.
Bernie
Do I, like, go now?
Alan
Yeah, give him a round of applause (sighs).
Applause
Kendall
Bernie Rosen, ladies and gentlemen,
Bernie!Woo-hoo!
Alan
Our ﬁnal guest tonight is not so much famous as infamous.
Kendall
He’s known throughout LasVegas as one of the biggest high-rolling gamblers of
them all. 
Alan
Rien ne a plus.
Kendall
Place your bets.
Alan
The dice are loaded.
Kendall
Stick or twist.
Alan
Two fat ladies, eighty-eight. Legs eleven, eleven. All these words are music to his ears.
Kendall
Please welcome Mister Ris
Alan
I’ll say this. Please welcome Mister Risky Business himself, professional gambler, Jack ‘the black cat’ Colson.
(Applause and music)
Alan
Knowing me, Alan Partridge.
Kendall
Knowing me, Kendall Ball.
Alan
Knowing us, Alan Partridge and Kendall Ball, knowing you Jack ‘the black cat’Colson, ah—haa.
Jack
He-he, that is just about the longest introduction I ever had. Ah—haa! — thought you never gonna ﬁnish it.
Alan
He-he.
Kendall
Jack, Jack, I believe that you have played poker W-i-i-i-i-ith —Telly Savalas.
Jack
That’s right.
Alan
Who loves ya, baby.
Jack
Telly Savalas, he’s a really keen poker player. He heard I was to be inVegas, he was shooting some ﬁlm here. He said, ‘Jack Black-cat, how d’you wanna play a bit of poker?’ High stakes.
Kendall
Yeah?
Alan
Book ’em, Danno, murder one.
Jack
Nope, man, that’s Hawaii Five-O.
Alan
Right.
Jack
Sorry, I had to say that.
Alan
OK.
Jack
Anyhow,Telly comes up to my hotel room, We s—, I say, ‘Telly, you Wanna play a little bit of Texas Holdem?’ You know Texas Holdem, Kendall?
Kendall
Yeah.
Jack
Deal cornes,Telly’s got a pair of kings, I got bullets in the hole, Aces.
Alan
Ooh.
Jack
Now I don’t know, I ﬁgure I’m gonna get Telly all in here.
Alan
Ooh.
Jack
Flip comes. Deuce, tres, ﬁve. Ain’t no use to neither of us.
Kendall
Right.
Alan
Wow.
Jack
Telly raises the max. I call. Guess what happens? Four of Clubs comes down here. I just made me an inside straight and hit the middle pin — Woo-Wee!
Alan
Woo-Wee!
Jack
Telly says to me, ‘Well, What you got, Jack “the black cat” Colson?’ So I ﬂip over my aces and I say, ‘Telly, I got bullets!’
(Mimics two gunshots)
Alan
You shot Telly Savalas?
Kendall
No, Alan. Bullets — it’s slang for Aces.
Alan
It — it’s funny though, isn’t it, that his name’s Telly Savalas and he’s on the telly.
Jack
That’s real funny.
Alan
It’s a bit like me being called, uh, Radio Partridge. Of course, it’s not that funny when you think about it, because there was, uh, Radio Caroline, isn’t there? That’s her name.
Kendall
Jack, tell us about your famous roulette
Jack
The thing about roulette, anyone out there listening, is you don’t wanna play roulette. Sucker’s game, see.You got all these people, they ﬂy over to Vegas to say, ‘Hey, I got some big, big-shot roulette system.’ Only a sucker’s got a roulette system.
Alan
I’ve got a roulette system.
Jack
You Wanna tell me —
Alan
I’ve got, I’ve got a foolproof system.
Jack
Uh-huh.
Alan
I developed it while I was coming over on the plane, club class, and I tried it out several times, now, in my imagination, and it works every time.
Jack
I can believe that —
Alan
It’s — and this is how it works, right. It’s like a toss ofa coin, look, if I toss a coin, and it’s heads, the next time I toss it, it’s bound to be tails.
Jack
Nope, it’s ﬁfty/ﬁfty every single time, Alan. The coin ain’t got a brain, ain’t got consciousness. No matter what’s going on round the coin, the coin just does what the hell it wants to. Bit like yourself, Alan.
Alan
Well, I — I bet you any money that if I put my system into practice, it would work. I’ll bet you.
Jack
Well, I may just have to take you up on that little bet, Alan.
Alan
(Mimicking Jack) Well, you could just take me up on that little bet.
Jack
Well, I may just have to do that.
Alan
Well, you can do it if you want.
Applause
Jack
Well, I may just do that.
Alan
Well, do it!
Kendall
Woo-hoo! Watch yourself, Alan.
Alan
Hang on, hang on. If you ~
Jack
He knows what he’s doing. You wanna make a bet?
Alan
I — I think that your Texan belly is going a little bit yellow.
Audience cheers.
Jack
You do, do you? Well, let’s do it,Alan. Thousand bucks —
Alan
Thousand bucks.
Jack
Let’s do it, Alan.
Alan
Yep. Thousand bucks.
Jack
Call.
Alan
Tails.
Jack
What’s that?
Alan
Tails ! Yes!
Applause and cheering
Alan
One thousand dollars to me.
Jack
Cheque.Who do you want to make the cheque payable to?
Alan
Make it payable to Great Ormond Street Hospital.
Jack
You, you wanna raise the stakes a little bit, Alan? Put it up to ﬁve thousand bucks?
Alan
No, no.
Jack
No? (Mimics a clucking chicken)
Alan
No.Ten thousand.Ten thousand bucks.
Jack
Ten thousand bucks? I like the way you speak.
Alan
Ten thousand bucks.
Jack
Ten thousand bucks.
Alan
Yeah.
Jack
Call.
Alan
Heads.
Jack
What’s that?
 Alan
Heads!Yes! (Applause) Yes! Ten thousand bucks. Live, from Las Vegas it’s Alan Partridge who’s just won ten thousand bucks off, supposedly, the greatest gambler who’s ever lived.
Jck
Shall I make that little cheque here payable to Great Ormond Street Hospital —
Alan
No, just — leave that one blank. I’ll ﬁll that one in later. It’s, er, thanks for being on the show, and thanks for being so gracious in —
Jack
My pleasure, Alan.
Alan
— your, er, humiliating defeat.
Jack
Well, you know me, Alan, it don’t matter to me, losing eleven thousand bucks, have a little bit of fun. I still drive home in my brand-new hundred and forty thousand dollar red Mercedes sports car.
Alan
Really?
Jack
Just drive on home in my —
Alan
You got a —
Jack
— Mercedes sports car.
Alan
Well, here’s the big question, buddy boy.
Kendall
Alan, don’t even think about it.
Alan
How do you fancy betting your hundred and forty thousand dollars’ worth of German hardware against twenty thousand pounds worth of pure maroon Ford Granada?
Jack
You got it, Alan. Call.
Alan
Tails.
Jack
What’s that?
Alan
Heads.
Jack
Give me the keys, Alan.
Alan
Hang on, no you can’t. It’s my car.
Jack
Give me the keys, Alan.
Alan
You can’t. It’s my car. That’s my car you can’t just —
Jack
(Speaking over Alan) Just give me the keys.
Alan
Best out of three. Please —
Jack
Ain’t no best of three, Alan.You took a bet. Just give me the keys.
Alan
Can I have a chance to win it back?
Jack
Whatcha got, Alan?
Alan
Do you know what a Nissan Micra is?
Jack
Shitty little Japanese car.
Alan
It’s a Japanese hatchback.
Jack
I don’t want that.
Alan
I have access to one..
Jack
Whose car is it?
Alan
It — it’s my wife’s car.
Kendall
Alan, don’t do that! Alan — no, seriously.
Alan
Go powder your nose, babe!
Jack
Ooh, big boy!
Alan
Come on, yes!
Jack
Alan Partridge — Nissan Micra. Go. Call.
Alan
Tails.
jack
What’s that?
Alan
( Long pause) On that bombshell, on that, on that double vehicular loss for Alan Partridge inVegas, it’s time to say — I can’t say it, you do it, Kendall.
‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’music plays in the background.
Kendall
Well, you have been Knowing Us, Kendall Ball and Alan Partridge, KnowingYou, Jack ‘the black cat’ Colson, Bernie Rosen, Conrad Knight and Sally Hoff. Thanks to our team of researchers David Schneider, Rebecca Front, Doon MacKichan, Patrick Marber and Steve Coogan. Producer, Armando Iannucci.