Knowing Me, Knowing You - Radio Series Episode 4
Scan and OCR editing by Miguel Wilkins/BBAPBF

Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing you'
Alan
Ah-haaa! (Applause) Thank you. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to Knowing Me, KnowingYbu, and the hot news is, I’ve got a hit on my hands.This show is a hit according to the New Statesman and Society. I don’t read it myself, but a researcher ran into my ofﬁce this week brandishing a review. The headline reads, ‘Post-Modern Partridge’, and it says, it says, ‘Alan Partridge is the apotheosis of the three—minute culture. In his hands the essentially complex becomes inordinately simplistic.’ So, how about that?
On the way here, my driver, Colin, dropped me off and he said, ‘Alan, I hope you’ve got some good guests on tonight.’ And I have — this is the introduction to them — (clears throat) —
Two times two is four, two times four are eight, two times eight are sixteen, two times sixteen are thirty—two — that was about my limit when I was nine years old, but it’s mere pifﬁe to my next guest, who is a nine-year-old child prodigy and Fellow of Oxford University.
Please give an academic welcome to — with his father — Simon Fisher.
Applause and music
Alan
Welcome, welcome to Knowing me, Alan Partridge, Knowing You, John Fisher, ah-haa.
John
Ah-haa.
Alan
And, and you, Simon Fisher, aha
Simon
Ah-haa!
Alan
Not, not so loud, it’s the microphone. Now, Simon, you are a Fellow of Oxford University, and you’re a child prodigy. As a child genius what do you do, what do you actually do in the day?
Simon
Well I don’t exactly do, I— I ~I am, I— I see each day as a, as a sort ofgift that is to be unwrapped, which I do in my own unique way.
Alan
Well of course you, you are very unique.
Simon
One cannot have gradations of uniqueness, one either is or is not unique.
Alan
Right. You, you know, you’re right, you’re right. I mean — I mean, you couldn’t be more right.
Simon
Well, one is either right or not right.
Alan
Well, you are — you’re right,um and so am I. Now, John Fisher -
John
Yes.
Alan
— or Simon’s dad, as you are more commonly known. Simon is obviously a lot of fun, I can see that, I see that with his little quips, but, erm, when did you ﬁrst realise that Simon was abnormal?
John
Uh, gifted, you mean.
Alan
Ab — abnormally gifted.
John
I—Imm.Well, it’s when Simon was about fourteen months old. I remember looking at him there in his cot, and I said to him, ‘Who does Daddy love, Simon? Who? Who?’, and guess what Simon said?
Alan
What?
Simon
'Whom does Daddy love? Whom? Whom?’
John
He picked up on my grammatical error with his very ﬁrst words, and that’s when I knew that he was going to be something special.
Alan
Yeah, my, my son Fernando wasn’t quite as original as that. He said, he said, ‘Daddy,’ which somehow I prefer.
John
’Course he, he was calling me ‘Father’ soon afterwards.
Alan
Not ‘Daddy’.
Simon
‘Daddy’ is a vulgarisation.
Alan
Oh, yeah.
Simon
Also is ‘yeah’.
Alan
Yeah. John, John, do you ever sit alone at night by the ﬁre, with your head in your hands and think to yourself, ‘God have mercy on my soul, I have spawned a monster! I’ve created Frankenstein!’
John
No, no, no, I mean Simon’s a wonderful child, no, never, never.
Alan
Well, that’s nice, I’m sure that Frankenstein’s parents found it within their hearts to love him.
Siinon
Interjection, there is no such monster as Frankenstein.
Alan
There is, actually, there is, it’s in a ﬁlm and, it’s a Certiﬁcate X, you wouldn’t have seen it.
Simon
Well, I’ve read the book by Mary Shelley, and Frankenstein is the name of a Genevan student who creates Frankenstein’s monster.
Alan
(Long pause) You any good at sport, Simon?
Simon
Sport induces violence in the common man.
Alan
Yeah, cobblers, I like sport and I’m not violent.You’re just scared of breaking your glasses.
Simon
I don’t wear glasses.
Alan
Well, you should.
John
I, I like sport, in fact I represented my school at the London School Swimming Championships when I was ﬁfteen.
Alan
Your bronze medal would probably come in a bit handy, ’cause, you know, if Simon fell into a canal, you could dive in and save him.
John
Yes, I certainly could.
Simon
I wouldn’t be so stupid as to fall in. 
Alan
No, but you might get pushed in.
Simon
Why don’t you just say what you mean, Mr Partridge, as do you think that I deserve to be pushed in a canal, so if you think that I do, then who do you think should push me in, who, who?
Alan
Whom? Whom?
Simon
No, in this context, ‘whom’, which is the accusative-dative, is not applicable.
Alan
Is he right?
John
Yes, he’s right, I’m afraid.
Simon
Why don’t you just say what you mean, which is that you would like to push me into a canal, Mr Partridge?
Alan
All right then, I, Alan Partridge, would like to push you, Simon Fisher, into a very deep, disused canal.
Simon
There, it’s not so difﬁcult, is it?
Alan
No. In fact I feel a lot better. Thank you. Thank you very much.You’re very honest.
Simon
Ay, sir, to be honest as this world goes, is to be one man picked out of ten thousand.
Alan
That’s worthy of Shakespeare, very good.
Simon
It is Shakespeare.
Alan
Well it’s, well it’s, Well it’s, it’s better than that, it’s worthy of the Great Bard.
Simon
Have you ever seen Hamlet?
John
Simon, Simon, please —
Alan
Yes, yes.
Simon
I saw it with Alan Rickman.Who did you see it with?
Alan
My wife Carol.
Simon
No, no, no.Who was playing the lead?
Alan
Hamlet.
Simon
Oh, yes, the great actor Hamlet. No, which actor was playing the lead?
John
Simon, Simon, that’s enough now —
Alan
Ummmm -
Simon
Yes?
Alan
Bernard Cribbins. I don’t know, it was a long time ago, it was before you were born, you wouldn’t remember it.
Simon
Have you seen Citizen Kane?
Alan
Yes, I watched every episode. Power to the people, yeah.
Simon
Have you seen Beauty and the Beast?
Alan
Yes.
Simon
Jean Cocteau’s?
Alan
No.
Simon
Have you read Metamorphosis?
Alan
Yes.
Simon
Who’s it by?
Alan
No, I haven’t read it.
Simon
Have you read any Dickens?
Alan
No.
Simon
Do you go to the ballet?
Alan
No I
Simon
Can you play chess?
Alan
No! No!
Simon
Do you know any Russian —
Alan
No! No, what about you? You! Right, right, you, right, you, have you got any pubic hair?
Simon
No, I haven’t because I’m nine!
Alan
No, I’m thirty-seven and I’ve got plenty, all right. Can you do this (in a deep voice) Aaaaahh!
Simon
No, because my voice hasn’t broken —
Alan
Exactly! Don’t forget it! And, uh, one more. Are you a boy or a girl?
Simon
I’m a boy.
Alan
Really?
Simon
My name’s Simon.
Alan
Really? It could be Simone, it could be Simone, because you sound like a girl.
John
Alan, stop.
Simon
I’m a boy and my name is Simon.
Alan
Yeah, you’ve got something on your shoulder there (Alan hits Simon).
Simon
(Crying loudly in pain ) AAAAARGH!
John
Now you’ve one too far!
Simon
Daddy, he raised his hand to me — in anger! Ahhhhhh!
John
Apologize right now!
Alan
(Over Simon ’s sobbing) Sorry, I shouldn’t have done it, I shouldn’t have done it, I’m sorry, it’s my mistake, I’m not very good with kids, Carol’s — I’ve got a very bad temper. But you are a little shit.That said, that said, thank you for coming on the show. Ladies and gentleman, the Fishers!
Applause
Alan
OK, now, if you just want to move chairs, right. Ahem. My next guest. Look into my eyes! Hm are feeling very sleepy. If my soothing voice is soothing enough, it should be sending you listeners at home to sleep. Are you asleep? Well, wake up! Because I, Alan Partridge, am not a hypnotist but my next guest is. I’m told she’s going to hypnotise me.  I might end up like one of those zombies from The Living Dead. Of course, my arms won’t be dropping off. 
She hails from across the Great Lake, good ol’ Uncle US of Stateside. She’s as American as chocolate chip biscuits and mum’s apple tart, but er, that’s where comparisons with a tart must end, lest I come to a sticky end. Ladies and gentlemen, she’s not a tart, she’s a lady hypnotist, with a set of pins that will hypnotise any bloke.The big question is, what’s the name of her game? Please welcome Janey Katz.
Applause and music: ‘The Name of the Game’
Janey
Thank you!
Alan
Janey Katz. Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Janey Katz, ah—haa.
Janey
Uh-huh.
Alan
No, ah-haaa, you say, ah-haaa.
Janey
Ah-haaaaa.
Alan
That’s right.
Janey
OK, right.
Alan
What’s the name of your game? Is it a game? Has it got a name, other than hypnotism?
Janey
Really, what I practise is hypnotherapy, not hypnosis, so I try to distance myself from a kind of showbiz, um, you know, the razzamatazz side of it, I’m not out to make fools of people. I’m there to use hypnotherapy as a form of helping people to open up their minds.
Alan
Right, because I saw a brilliant hypnotist, uh, Tony Le *Tony Mesmer he was called, he was brilliant, he, he was fantastic. He had, he had blokes crying like babies, he had women on all fours barking like dogs. It was really ﬁrst—class entertainment, it really was fantastic.
Janey
Yeah, I don’t do that.
Alan
He’s, uh, but he’s very popular. He’s booked right through to next summer, unavailable, hence your good self. Now, but you — you were in London promoting your new book.
Janey
That’s right, yes.
Alan
I, I, actually know NewYork quite well.
Janey
You do?
Alan
Mmm, I popped over there, and I really did get into, as Billy Joel put it, I really did get into a New York state of mind.
Janey
I bet you did.
Alan
Um, I jumped in a cab and I said, ‘Cabbie, take me to the core of the Big Apple. I want to check out the bits, dude.’ I really, you know, did say that.
Janey
Ha-ha-ha! Oh my God! Just next time, say Manhattan and you’ll get there.
Alan
Well, no, I want to get to the centre of New York.
Janey
Yeah, that is Manhattan.
Alan
Right, that’s not where I want to go.
Janey
Where do you want to go?
Alan
Bloomingdales.
Janey
Yeah.You’re in Manhattan.
Alan
Right OK, I’m in Manhattan.What do I do now?
Janey
You just, you get in a cab, and you say to the driver, ‘Take me to Manhattan to Bloomingdales.’
Alan
OK, I’m outside Bloomingdales, what, what next? What do I do now?
Janey
What do you mean?
Alan
You’ve hypnotised me.
Janey
No I haven’t, no.
Alan
Oh, I see! I’m sorry, sorry —
Janey
You’ll know, Alan.
Alan
I thought, I thought you just slid into it. It’s just that you are staring at me.
Janey
I’m sorry. No, I just ﬁnd you fascinating.
Alan
In wh—wh—wh—what way?
Janey
Clinically.
Alan
Really? Thank you.
Janey
My pleasure.
Alan
You, Janey Katz, hypnotist, I, Alan Partridge, clinically fascinating.Thank you. Now, you er, now I believe right now, I’m very fortunate, because you’re going to hypnotise me. ‘
Janey
I certainly am, yes.
Alan
Great.
Janey
Um, obviously, We don’t have much time, so it’s going to be a kind of vague gesture towards it. Uh, but the idea is that what we’ll try to do is project on to, let’s say, the curtain of your mind, a series of images from your past.
Alan
OK, well, I’ll draw back my curtains —
Janey
Good.
Alan
— behind which you will ﬁnd a net curtain. You may lift that up, should you wish —
Janey
Thank you.
Alan
— and we’ll see if there are any skeletons lurking in ~ the — cupboard, the curtain, the curtain cupboard.
Janey
In your mind.
Alan
My mind’s curtain cupboard, yeah.
Janey
All right.Well the ﬁrst thing to do is to get you relaxed, so if you can just lie on —What are you —
Alan
Just put this peg on my nose.
Janey
Why are you putting a peg on your nose?
Alan
(Sounding blocked up) Well, because I was told that your blood-pressure increases during hypnotism. It could lead to a nose bleed.
Janey
No, no, no. That’s nonsense.Who told you that?
Alan
The researchers.
Janey
I think it was probably a joke.
Alan
OK, no, that’s all right, that’s OK.
Janey
Well, I mean, take it off.
Alan
I’ll take it off if I wish to take it off.
Janey
Yeah, you can’t relax with a peg on your nose, Alan.
Alan
If I, I should be the judge of that whether I should take the peg off my nose, and, as it happens, I have decided to take the peg off. I’ll do that now.
Janey
OK, just lie back on the couch if you could be so kind.
Alan
(Sounding normal again) Right, I’m lying back on the couch, listeners.
Janey
OK, just try to concentrate. Now, I’m going to count you down from three and then in that time I want you to relax every muscle in your body, OK, and then you will be hypnotized.Three — two — one. Now, Alan, without opening your eyes, I want you to tell me what you can see.
Alan
(In a high, childish voice) A pair of plimsolls.
Janey
All right. Now, who do they belong to?
Alan
Little boy.
Janey
Do you recognize the little boy?
Alan
Yes, it’s Alan Partridge.
Jane
Uh, huh. Now, I want you to just step inside Alan Partridge.
Alan
OK.
Janey
Now, Alan, would you tell me how old you are?
Little Alan
(Sounding frightened) I’m eight years old.
Janey
And where are you at the moment?
Little Alan
I’m on the bottom of Tandle Hill.
Janey
Where’s Tandle Hill?
Little Alan
Near the school.
Janey
OK. Now, um, describe What you can see in front of you.
Little Alan
There, there’s about eighty boys.
Janey
So you’re not alone?
Little Alan
No, they’re at the top of the hill.
Janey
And where are you?
Little Alan
I’m on the bottom. Can’t keep up with them, it’s a cross-country run.
Janey
OK.
Little Alan
It’s cold. It’s very cold.
Janey
Why are you so cold if you are running, Alan?
Little Alan
I haven’t got any shorts on.
Janey
Why not?
Little Alan
Steven McCoombe’s taken them off me.
Janey
Can, can you see Steven McCoombe?
Little Alan
Yes, he’s waving them about with his hands. He’s saying, ‘Smelly Alan Fartridge! Smelly Alan Fartridge!’ I’m not smelly!
Janey
No, I know that.
Little Alan
Smelly Alan Fartridge!
Janey
OK, Alan, all right, now look, you’re not happy, are you, no?
Little Alan
No.
Janey
No. Should we take you away from here?
Little Alan
Yes.
Janey
Let’s take you to some place where you are happy, OK?
Little Alan
Oh good.
Janey
We’re going there right now.
Little Alan
Mmm —
Janey
Are you there?
Little Alan
Yes.
Janey
Now tell me what you can see.
Little Alan
I’m in class.
Janey
Yeah.
Little Alan
The Headmaster’s come in.
Janey
Right. And what’s happening?
Little Alan
Oh, he’s looking very pleased. He said, he said, ‘Someone’s won an essay writing competition, someone’s written an essay on sport and it’s won a prize.’
Janey
Mm-hmm.What else is he saying?
Little Alan
He said, ‘Is there an Alan Partridge in the class? Would Alan Partridge identify himself?’
Janey
And what’s happening now?
Little Alan
I’m standing up. They’re all applauding me!
Janey
Terriﬁc. And what are you saying, Alan?
Little Alan
I’m saying (reverts back to his grown-up voice) ‘I’m Alan Partridge! I am Alan Partridge! I’ve won the essay writing competition of that there’s no doubt!’
Janey
OK.
Alan
Yes, I have won it.Things will now be very different. No longer will I be called infantile names — ’cos I won the competition!
Janey
Great, now, Alan, we have to, we’re running a little short of time, we have to now bring you back, OK?
Alan
No, I don’t want to come back.
Janey
No, you, you’ll be ﬁne, you have to come back because you’re in the middle of a talk show.
Alan
I like it here.
Janey
Well, you like it here too.
Alan
No, I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to be on the radio.
Janey
Come on, Alan. You’re very popular —
Alan
Nobody listens to Radio 4.
Janey
Alan, OK —
Alan
Nobody listens to Radio 4!
Janey
Now, Alan, just concentrate because I can’t bring you back otherwise.
Alan
I Want to be on the telly!
Janey
Now, I’m going to count to three and you have to come back.
Alan
Let me on the telly! Let me on the telly!
Janey
One — two — three.
Alan
So what I want to know is when are you going to hypnotise me?
Janey
I’ve done it.
Alan
Really?
Janey
Yes, it’s been done. Just think about what is foremost in your mind at the moment.
Alan
Oh, the essay writing competition.
Janey
That’s right, back at school. Anything else from school, d’you remember?
Alan
Yes, cross—country run.
Janey
Tandle Hill, do you remember that?
Alan
Yeah, great stuff.
Janey
That’s right, yep, did you enjoy that?
Simon
Smelly Alan Fartridge!
Alan
What? No one calls me that! No one calls me that!
Janey
Hang on, Simon —
Simon
I was just referring him back to his past.
Janey
No, Simon, this is a very important point, you must not abuse this privilege, because we have been privileged to see inside Alan’s memory.
Alan
No, I, I, I did not smell.
Janey
Now this is irrelevant, Alan, you don’t have to defend yourself.
Alan
(Agitated) No, I want to clear this up once and for all.
Janey
There’s no need —
Alan
This has been hanging in the air for about thirty years, right, but I want to clear it up, OK?  Steven McCoombe called me Smelly Alan Fartridge, because he thought it was funny, Fartridge, Partridge, he said smelly. I wasn’t. My personal hygiene was never in question. I showered regularly, I was never, I didn’t smell.The question is, what’s Steven McCoombe doing now? That’s the question, because I host a chat show, what’s he do?
I tell you, he’s a forklift truck driver with British Leyland. I’ll tell you, he lives in Edgbaston, he’s got a pathetic life, I’ve seen, I’ve parked my car outside his house, I’ve watched him come and go, and he’s got a sad, pathetic life and McCoombe, if you are listening, what are you now? You’re nothing. And I am Alan Partridge!
(Applause)Yeah, thank you, thank you. Now, that sort of wraps it up. Now — Your book’s available in the shops this Christmas?
Janey
Ha ha! It’s not a very good advert for my book! I assure you it does not make you this aggressive!
Alan
OK, well.
Janey
Yeah, it’s called ‘ The Future is Behind You’ and it is in fact a therapeutic study.
Alan
OK, one for the Christmas stocking, hypnotise your friends.
Janey
No, no, it’s not a show, it’s not a party trick.
Alan
Well, OK, in that case, a very serious book. Slap it on top of, er, Stephen Hawking’s book on your coffee table and impress your friends. Ladies and gentlemen, Janey Katz!
Applause
Alan
Now. Order! Order! Silence in court! Order! Order! Silence in court! Of course, I don’t say things like that, but my next guest does, because he is a lawyer. But not just any old lawyer, he’s a young lawyer who’s known as the ‘Bad Boy of the Old Bailey’, famous for his natty dress sense and his unconventional behaviour in court. Let us court the enfants terribles of the inner temple. Do you want to get to know him?
(Audience:Yes!) Voulez—Vous? OK, 'Voulez-vous Nick Ford!
Music: ‘I Fought the Law’
Applause
Alan
Sit there, sit there. I don’t, I don’t know what —
Nick
Knowing me, knowing you, ah-haa?
Alan
No, there can be no ‘ah-haa’s’.There’s been a dreadful error here.You were supposed to come on to ‘Voulez-vous’ by Abba. I don’t know what that was.
Nick
Well, I always come on in court to ‘I Fought the Law’ by the Clash, ’cause I’m a lawyer, you know, it’s kinda cool.
Alan
Yeah, but how, how did it get on here?
Nick
Well, I just asked the sound guy to play it, you know, thought it d be cool,
Alan
And he just said he’d do it, he didn’t say he had to go to anyone else to ask permission?
Nick
No, I just said, ‘Slap this on, mate’, and he said, ‘Yeah, cool.’
Alan
Right, well, it’s not, it’s not your fault.
Nick
I’m not saying it is.
Alan
No, it’s not, it’s not, it’s not your job that’s on the line. Let’s just start again, right, with the music (clears his throat) Voulez-vous, ah- haa, take it now or leave it, ah-haa, now is all we get, ah—haa, nothing promised, no regrets (fanfare), voulez-vous, ah-haa! Nick Ford!
Applause
Alan
Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You, ah-haa!
Nick
Ah-haa! I understand the way you work now. Now we’ve got a rapport.
Alan
Right. Indeed. Now, you are —
Nick
Great.
Alan
— you are a very different kind of lawyer.
Nick
That’s right.What I say is, like, the law is an ass and I kick it.
Alan
Very good, very clever.Yeah. Now, you’ve done all sorts of things in court, you once abseiled into court —
Nick
Uh—huh.
Alan
~ you once did a partial strip i
Nick
That’s right.
Alan
— and you once simulated a heart attack.
Nick
Yeah.
Alan
The one that was in the press recently is, um, the robber, the man who robbed the —
Nick
Mickey Hall. Basically what happened was he, he robbed a building society, and I felt that there were mitigating circumstances, and so when it came to the summing up, I kind of went in there with all the jewellery on, all the gear and had a baseball cap on with ‘Justice’ written on it, and I just got them to dim all the lights, one centre spot on me and I went
(Raps) Ladies and gents, jury. Everybody in the court, hear me one and all, I ’m here to plead the case of a guy called Mickey Hall. When he went into the Woolwich on that fateful day, he was an innocent man, he didn’t blow no one away. Yeah, he pulled a gun, but the gun was fake, on that piece of evidence I stake — my claim. Society ’s to blame. Look at its face. I rest my case —
Alan
Very good.
Nick
I rest my case. I rest my case.
(Applause) Said it, said it three times and I just very, very slowly, very dramatically walked backwards into my seat, sat down. The atmosphere was electric. Could’ve heard a pin drop.
Alan
Amazing. What happened?
Nick
He got ﬁve years.
Alan
Well, good for you! Great, well, he won’t be doing that again in a hurry, now would he?
Nick
I was defending him, Alan. I lost the case. 
Alan
Yeah, it puzzles me, that law. How can you defend a man who, let’s say, has been arrested for murder?
Nick
Well, ’cos he may be innocent.
Alan
Well, with the greatest respect, the police are hardly likely to arrest him if he’s innocent, are they?
Nick
With slightly less respect, uh, haven’t you heard of wrongful arrest?
Alan
No.
Nick
Guildford four, Birmingham six —
Alan
Well, yes, but, no that, that’s different. Now, now, they are innocent —
Nick
Be, be very careful, Alan.You’re on air.
Alan
No, I think we should, we should go into it —
Nick
No, if I was your lawyer, I would advise you very strongly now to shut your mouth.
Alan
Why?
Nick
These people will sue and put an injunction on your show and you’ll never broadcast again.
Alan
(Long pause) Where did you get your shirt from?
Nick
It’s ~ er, my friend Domo made it.
Alan
Not so much a shirt, more a — sort of —
Nick
It’s a blouse. I think that’s the word — you’re blushing and groping for ~
Alan
I’m not blushing, I’m not blushing.
Nick
It’s a big girl’s blouse. Kind of Errol Flynn. Look, if you don’t like it, you can be honest, it’s my whole philosophy, this is what I’m saying, it’s like, you know, if there was more honesty and less repression in our society there’d be less crimes.That’s the whole point.
Alan
All right, all right, I’ll be honest.
Nick
Well, be honest.
Alan
I’ll be honest.You are a homosexual.
Nick
Bisexual.
Alan
Don’t pussyfoot.
Nick
I’m not pussyfooting.
Alan
The point is, there are blokes involved, that’s the important thing.
Nick
I mean, you seem very threatened by it, Alan.
Alan
I’m not threatened by you lot, no way. Any of you lot had a go, I’d deck the lot of you.
Nick
Ooh, a tough guy! I meant psychologically threatened.
Alan
Well, whatever.
Nick
It’s OK to explore your sexuality, you know, it’s OK to be open, I mean, you know, as the kid here, Simon, let’s bring him into it, I mean, you’re just discovering sexuality, you know. He’s got a right to choose —
Alan
Oh, leave the kid out of it! Leave him out of it!
Nick
Well, maybe you should have left him out of it before —
Alan
Just cover his ears!
Nick
Yeah, well, his ear is still bright red from where you hit it, Alan.
Alan
That was, that was —
Nick
Oh, by the way, Mister Fisher, if you’re seeking legal advice on this —
John
I don’t need any advice from your sort, thank you very much.
Nick
Wo, wo, wo! Welcome to, welcome to Homophobics Anonymous!
Alan
Good one, I like that, Mister Fisher, ‘Don’t want any advice from your sort.’ Nice. Right, we should go for a drink sometime.
John
No, thanks.
Nick
You’re hitting kids, you know, you could end up in jail.
Simon
Can I just say something here? No, because, no, please, because technically it wasn’t assault because he didn’t actually cause any, any bodily harm.
Nick
It was assault. He hit you.
Simon
Yes, but I was provoking him, I was being precocious.
Nick
(Pause) The point is, if this was a normal child —
Simon
I am normal!
Nick
You are not normal.You’re a freak!
Alan
Come on!
Nick
If this was a normal child with a normal father they would sue you immediately.You should be careful, I don’t think you’d like it in prison, all those men —
Alan
Listen.What are you insinuating? What are you saying? Are you saying that I, Alan Partridge, would end up in prison and maybe, what, get friendly with some bloke —
Nick
Who knows, Alan?
Alan
— and, maybe, I’d be in the shower with him and, um, and maybe, we’d just start wrestling and mucking about, and then he’d probably start soaping my back down, and, um, and then, you know, we’d kiss each other tenderly. Is that what you’re saying? Because that is untrue!
Nick
It’s all in your imagination, Alan.
Alan
Well, if you’re insinuating that’s what I secretly want —
Nick
No further questions,Your Honour! No further questions.
Alan
( Long pause) Well, um, my researcher said, um, you can get him on this question.
Nick
I very much doubt it.
Alan
It says here — well, I’ll read it out, ‘Why does he affect a Cockney accent, when he went to Harrow, brackets, which is a public school? So, my question to you is:Why do you affect a Cockney accent, when you went to Harrow, which is a public school?
Nick
(Hesitating) I — I think that — I don’t ~ I wouldn’t say it’s affected, I think that — um, you know —
Alan
No further questions,Your Honour! Ha, ha, yes!
Simon
Can I just say something here? It’s because I think we’re all here as, as, as ﬁne-minded people, and, and we’re, we’re sort of wallowing about in a mire, when all the beautiful things we could be talking about, and, and music and art, and we’re on this tawdry show —
Alan
It’s not a tawdry show!
Nick
It is a tawdry show.
Alan
Is it?
Simon
— and Mister Ford, and Mister Ford is debasing our beautiful language —
Nick
Oh, shut up!
Janey
Come on!
Simon
— and there’s this two-bit, hot-flushing psychotherapist —
Janey
What?! OK, Simon, I’m going to say something to you, I’m going to say something to you — I suggest you get a life!
Alan
(Speaking over janey) Look, can we —hang on — Order! Order! Order!
Nick
Yeah, get a life!
Janey
Grow up!
Simon
Janey thinks that we need to go and have our heads examined.
Janey
Yes, I do.
Simon
— well, well, if you think we need therapy, then to who should we go? To who? To who? To who? 
Alan
Hang on a second. (Pause) Sh — surely that should be ‘To whom’?
Nick
Yeah, he’s right, in this context, it is
‘To Whom.’
Alan
To whom?
Simon
No, I don’t think it’s —
Alan
You’re wrong! To whom! To whom!
Simon
Please!
Alan and Nick
(Over Simon, struggling to speak) Whom! Whom!Whom!Whom!Whom!Whom!
Simon
I’ve wet myself, Daddy!
John
Oh dear.
‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’music playing in the background.
Applause
Alan
And on that bombshell we say goodnight as Simon Fisher, nine—year-old Fellow of Oxford University has Wet himself, and I, now, Alan Partridge, dry as a bone saying, ‘Knowing me, knowing you’, would like to thank my guests Janey Katz, mad hippie, Nick Ford, queer lawyer, Simon Fisher, wet boy, and his dad, a nobody.Thanks to the writers and researchers Steve Coogan, Patrick Marber, Doon MacKichan, Rebecca Front, and David Schneider and to  my producer Armando Iannucci.
Thank you.