Knowing Me, Knowing You - Radio Series Episode 5
Scan and OCR editing by Miguel Wilkins/BBAPBF

Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’
Alan
Ah-haa! (Applause)Welcome —Welcome, welcome - welcome to knowing me, knowing you, my chat show with me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, the you, my guests, and the, er, the you the audience. Before the chat show, I’ve got a bit of a plug I want to do with a new book I’ve just published. It’s by Peartree Publications, the publishing wing of my company, and it’s a collection of amusing sporting anecdotes, it’s, it’s called "A funny thing happened on the way to the stadium to Alan Partridge", by Alan Partridge.
And it’s a stocking ﬁller, you know, ha ha, I mean, it’s not gonna win the Booker Prize, you know it’d be nice to be nominated. Erm, but, before I introduce my ﬁrst guest, here’s an extract from the book, and it’s about when I bumped my car into a well-known celebrity’s car, George Best’s. Oh —I shouldn’t have told you that actually, it’s a bit of a surprise in the anecdote, anyway, I’ll read it.
‘I’d just ﬁnished having lunch with Geoff Capes the shot-putter at the Savoy, and I was reversing my Ford Granada out of a parking space, when BANG I’d bumped into a very ﬂashy Lotus sports car. Who’s driving that, I wondered, you’ll never guess, it was none other than George Best. Sorry about that, George, I said. Oh well, he said, I suppose we’ll have to swap insurance details, and I said yes.’
George Best, marvellous.
OK, my, er, my ﬁrst, my ﬁrst, nope, my ﬁrst guest tonight is not George Best, he’s, er, he’s a bit of a handful, no, I’m honoured to say my ﬁrst guest is a member of the royal family. (Audience: oooh) Yes, all day here at Peartree Productions We’ve been rolling out the red carpets and the walls have been licked with a new coat of paint. She’s regal, she’s royal, please give a loyal round of applause to a very nice person, the Duchess of Stranraer.
Music: ‘Dancing Queen ’
Applause
Alan
The Duchess —
Duchess
— that’s right.
Alan
— of Stranraer.The ﬁrst question, Duchess, I have to ask, is how do I address you?
Duchess
Well, really there are three forms of address, formally you would call me, your grace, as, er, sorry — I’m rather nervous. 
Alan
That’s all right.
Duchess
As this is informal you would address me as Duchess, or just Emma, which is of course what my family or my husband would call me.
Alan
Of course your husband’s hardly likely to call you duchess, is he —
Duchess
(Laughing) No.
Alan
— is my tea ready, Duchess? No, not gonna do that, is he, no, but, you are, you’re a very different kind of royal because you’re not like Princess Di, she’s very beautiful, but you’re more of an outdoor type.
Duchess
Yes, yes.
Alan
You know, and it’s nice with your hair all piled up on top of your head like that, it’s nice, in the royal way. Now what a lot of us would like to know, I’m sure, is — as a royal, what do you do? What do you do?
Duchess
Well, a lot of the time I work for charity. The rest of the time really l work on the estate. It’s a large estate, as I’m sure you can imagine
Alan
Hmmm.
Duchess
— and there is a lot of work involved, and, and it’s a pleasure for me to spend my time doing that.
Alan
Yeah — I, I’ve seen a photograph of it and I— I would dearly like to come and visit.
Duchess
Well, Well you must really, because the house and gardens are open to the public, um, three days a week —
Alan
Right.
Duchess
That’s Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
Alan
So — so if I came I’d be with like the public?
Duchess
Well, I hope so, yes. I mean we try to encourage all comers, we, we like to have a crowd.
Alan
Right, but I mean during the week’s a bit difﬁcult for me, I was thinking if I could maybe come at the weekend?
Duchess
We don’t open at weekends, we have to have the house to ourselves.
Alan
Yep, um, we’re getting our wires crossed here, I — I think what I’m trying to say is, I would really like to come and stay for, you know, as a guest, for a weekend.
Duchess
Oh, I see, I suspect you’re teasing me a little bit ~
Alan
Well, no, I mean — I ~ no, I would — I mean you are always welcome to Caxton Avenue in Norwich, just, you know, ring ahead, and we’ll be delighted — so, I mean could I stay?
Duchess
Um, it would be a little difﬁcult to arrange.
Alan
OK, right, fair enough We’ll — we’ll talk about it after the show.
Duchess
Yes, yes.
Alan
Get our diaries out, hammer out a few dates.
Duchess
Yes, yes.
Alan
All right, now, what are your plans for next year?
Duchess
Well, in July next year we are planning a grand charity gala for Refuse the anti-drugs charity. And that will be at the Royal Albert Hall.
Alan
Wonderful, and after that?
Duchess
After that I think I’ll be putting my feet up at home — I’ll need a rest.
Alan
Relax, yes. So what about then?
Duchess
Sorry, what about then?
Alan
Well, can I come and stay then?
Duchess
Um, well I, um, think we could discuss that nearer the time.
Alan
Yeah, it’s just that, you know, we’re both busy people, you know if we discuss it nearer the time it’s not going to happen, is it, I mean that’s what I say when I want to put someone off, you know. Never mind, you know it’s good to meet a royal like you who’s got a sense of humour.
Duchess
Well, I have to say that as a family we have a sense of humour. I mean when we all get together we have a blooming good laugh, you know —
Alan
(Laughing) Yeah.
Duchess
~ not to put too ﬁne a point on it.
Alan
— and a dance?
Duchess
Absolutely, we love dancing, yes.
Alan
Bit of a singsong?
Duchess
We have many musical evenings together, yes.
Alan
Now and again a bit of tomfoolery.
Duchess
Hmm, yes, one or two practical jokes get played.
Alan
(Laughing) And I’ll bet that, now and again, when you’re on your own, you secretly get completely rat-arsed. (Pause) I’m sorry.
Duchess
But the point really about all this fame is that I am prepared to try to use what little fame I have for charity.
Alan
I’m sorry, sorry.
Duchess
I do a lot of work, as I’ve said, for Refuse — it’s a drugs rehabilitation charity.
Alan
I think I over—stepped the mark there, before, I really am genuinely sorry about that. I went too far.
Duchess
Well, yes, you did. So, most of my work really —
Alan
Do you forgive me?
Duchess
— involves, erm, this kind of public relations
Alan
Look, let’s talk about your charity.
Duchess
Yes, I am.
Alan
Right, because you were touched personally, weren’t you, by —
Duchess
— by the drugs problem, yes, indeed.That’s really what began me on this crusade, my son, Clive —
Alan
Yes.
Duchess
— had a drugs problem.
Alan
That’s right, Clive the junkie, as he was known.
Duchess
Well, he’s not.
Alan
No.
Duchess
Not a drug addict.
Alan
Ex-junkie.
Duchess
He had a drugs problem — thanks to Refuse, he no longer has one, and —
Alan
That was in the press, I — I don’t know if ~ if any of the audience are — are unfamiliar with that incident, just to sort of put you — I don’t want to dwell on it, but, er, that was when, er, your son Clive was in the Café Royal —
Duchess
Yes.
Alan
— he smashed it up, didn’t he?
Duchess
It was very unfortunate —
Alan
Yeah.
Duchess
— it was a long time ago and the point really is —
Alan
He trashed the place, didn’t he?
Duchess
It, it’s all in the past, because he has been able to help himself —
Alan
Right.
Duchess
— and get back, into the community.
Alan
Wonderful. Now, you have two lovely daughters —
Duchess
Yes.
Alan
Alicia, she’s a bit of a maverick, isn’t she?
Duchess
Oh no, she’s now a performance artist and doing —
Alan
What, an actress?
Duchess
N—n-no, no, a performance artist —
Alan
What, you watch them paint? You watch -
Duchess
Well, no, it’s rather more complicated than that, if I can just give you an example of a performance that she gave some time ago, in a space which I attended. She had daubed herself in paint of many colours, and accompanied by, um, a pop record, um —I think if I remember rightly it was Gary Glitter — I think it was, ‘Do You Want to be in My Gang?’ — I, I can’t remember. She marched very purposefully, backwards and forwards, throughout the space, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and it was really very powerful.
Alan
(Laughing) It sounds hilarious, it really does.
Duchess
Well, it was witty, but it was visually —
Alan
Ha ha! Sounds like the Goons, yeah, very good. I don’t want to press you on this but I have one of the reviews xeroxed here and it says she was seen simulating defecation on a photograph of Winston Churchill. What’s all that about?
Duchess
I wasn’t present at that performance.
Alan
I think it was an encore or something.
Duchess
I don’t know, I mean you’d have to ask Alicia.
Alan
Get her on the show —
Duchess
Yes.
Alan
— as long as she doesn’t defecate on me!
Duchess
I’m — I’m sure she’d only simulate it.
Alan
Ha — now, I’m, I’m at the top of my profession, there’d be little argument about that, but, you, you in a sense are not at the top of yours, you’re twenty-seventh in line to the throne, that’s quite a way to go.
Duchess
Oh, well, there isn’t really a career structure, you know, I mean, I have a position which I have always held.
Alan
Do you want to be queen?
Duchess
No, no I don’t.
Alan
Hmm, deep down?
Duchess
No, no not at all. 
Alan
Could happen.
Duchess
No, it couldn’t happen.
Alan
Could happen, let me, let me paint a hypothesis for you. It’s Christmas, Balmoral, the whole royal family are there, Edward pulls a cracker, there’s a bomb in it, they’re all wiped out.
Duchess
Oh, for heaven’s sake, now really 
Alan
No, no, wiped out, just bear with this, right. The outer royals, the Armstrong-Jones’, and that photographer bloke, they all — they are all going to the funeral in a big mini-bus, a sniper takes out the driver ~
Duchess
No, really I must —
Alan
~ it goes over a cliff —
Duchess
No, I — sorry —
Alan
— stay with it, stay with it, just bear with me. Now, your husband is shooting grouse, a messenger brings him the news of this tragic second event, in his excitement, he realizes he’s going to be king, suddenly he loses his footing, and with his shot—gun, and this may be stressful, he blows his own head clean off —
Duchess
No, this is going too far ~
Alan
Now, the prime minister knocks on your door, and says, Emma, will you be queen? What do you say?
Duchess
No, it’s a — it’s a preposterous question.
Alan
It — it could, I would, you know, if I was asked by the prime minister, would you be king? I’d say, I would sacriﬁce my career on Radio Four, and I would say, I would say YES, I will be King Alan the First. Would you, are you prepared, would you do your duty to your country?
Duchess
This is pure ﬁction. I mean —
Alan
In those cir— would — (to audience) do you think she should be queen? Do you think she should be queen? (Audience cheers) Yes, would you be queen?
Duchess
No, those circumstances would not arise. It’s not a question —
Alan
(Loudly) In your people’s hour of need, would you be queen?
Duchess
Of course, in those circumstances, yes, of course —
Alan
(Interrupting) Yes! You do wanna be queen, yes! Of course you do, you’re only human, good luck, good luck, and, er, if you make it to the top job, come back on the show, tell us about it. Fingers crossed, ladies and gentlemen, the Duchess of Stranraer.
Applause
Alan
OK, now, next guest on the show, We’ve got Dustin Hoffman, Sean Connery, Michael Caine and Frank Spencer. In fact we haven’t really got those people on, but in a sense we have, because my next guest is a very talented young impressionist, and he can do all their voices, s-so it’d seem like they were on. My researcher spotted him in a little club, the comedy shop, and they said, Alan, he’s a bit near the knuckle and I said, I don’t mind that, as long as his knuckle is near his funny bone. And I’m, I’m sure — I’m sure it will be, I’m prepared to take a chance on him, and I hope you are too, as I welcome, funny voice man impressionist, Steve Thompson.
Music: ‘Take A Chance ’
Applause
Alan
Make yourself comfortable, welcome to knowing me, knowing you, Ah-haa.
Steve
Ah-haa.
Alan
Ah-haa.
Steve
Ah-haa.
Alan
This is your ﬁrst chat show.
Steve
Yeah, that’s right.
Alan
You’ve not done, er, you’ve not done Wogan yet?
Steve
(In his Wogan voice) Heh, no, I haven’t, yet, reached, conquered the heights, of Wogan.
Alan
Do — do your Wogan for us.
Steve
(Pauses. In his Wogan voice) Heh, Terry Wogan.
Alan
Ha ha ha, very good.Very good, well, we’ll — we’ll work some impressions subtly into the show, but ﬁrst let’s talk about this new alternative comedy thing, what is that?
Steve
Well, it’s not really a new thing you know, it’s actually been around for about ten years now —
Alan
Right —
Steve
~Yeah, a lot of people think it's new but it’s not.
Alan
Ben Elton.
Steve
(In Ben Elton voice) Ladies and gentlemen, yes indeed, little bit of politics —
Alan
— no, no, I don’t mean do him, I mean he’s an alternative comedian.
Steve
Well, yeah, I mean people say, yeah, Ben Elton he’s al—, he’s alternative, but I mean, you know, the distinction I want to make is between good and bad comedy, you know, it’s not about alternative.
Alan
Right, but you hate all the old comedians.
Steve
Ha, no, that’s another myth about, you know, us sort of newer generation, I’ve got a lot, the deepest respect for, you know, people likeTony Hancock, Morecambe and Wise, er —
Alan
Frankie Howerd.
Steve
Frankie Howerd, actually —
Alan
The Goons —
Steve
The Goons, brilliant —
Alan
Monty Python.
Steve
Monty Python, brilliant.
Alan
Bernard Manning, Jim Davidson ~
Steve
Not, no —
Alan
Les Dennis —
Steve
Not, not so much them people, more the other people, not, not them so much.
Alan
Right, you hate them?
Steve
No, no, no, you’re playing devil’s advocate here, Alan. 
Alan
I just want you to admit that you hate Les Dennis.
Steve
Yeah. But I mean, what, what the distinction I want to make is between sort of, you know, they’re sort of joke-based comedy, and the stuﬁ I do is more kind of truthful observational stuff.
Alan
Right, you, you tell observations, don’t you.
Steve
I make observations.
Alan
Right. Do an observation.
Steve
Erm, er, well — this is a bad example but, um, have, have you noticed how, um, when you get in a cab and you’re talking to the taxi driver, he always turns round to talk to you, so may, maybe, he should have a steering wheel on his shoulder.
Alan
Is that, which bit of that’s the observation?
Steve
First bit.The ﬁrst bit.
Alan
Right, you’re right, that’s a bad example, let, let’s —
Steve
In, in my comedy I’m trying to ~ trying — um, er — deal with, er, generic human truths, you know.
Alan
Hmm.
Steve
What, I want — I want to be funny but, with dignity.
Alan
(Pause. Whispers) Do your Frank Spencer.
Steve
(In Frank Spencer voice) Oooh, Betty, hmmm, the cat’s done a whoopsy.
Alan
Ha ha ha! Very good. Oh, erm, do Dustin Hoffman.
Steve
(In Dustin Hoﬂman voice) Michael Dorssan and Dorothy Michaels —
Alan
(Interrupting) Er, great, lovely! What would Sean Connery say if he came in the door now?
Steve
Er, I think he’d say (in Sean Connery voice) my name is Bond, James Bond, your name is Partridge, Alan Partridge. ..
Alan
Ha, of course he would. Roy Hattersley.
Steve
Can’t do him.
Alan
Oh, right, OK, urm, oh, oh look, Frank Spencer’s come back in the door.
Steve
Na, I, I really don’t actually do Frank Spencer, I just, I did it then ’cos, I, I need, needed to but I don’t actually —
Alan
You, you’re one of the Spitting Imagers, aren’t you?
Steve
Well, I do voices on Spitting Image, yeah.
Alan
Right, I’ve been tipped off by my Spitting Images insider, that, er, deep down somewhere, they are planning to do a new puppet of ~
Steve
Yeah, they’re doing, er, Alan Hanson, ’cos he does Match of the Day.
Alan
Yeah, yeah, and I’ve heard they’re doing a puppet of one Alan Partridge.
Steve
Ha ha! Oh, I can neither conﬁrm nor deny that.
Alan
Yeah, come on, tell us the truth, let, are there, there —
Steve
No, I’m sworn to secrecy, Alan —
Alan
I’ll bet, come on, are they making a puppet of me?
Steve
No.
Alan
Right, that’s, that’s a relief, that is, phew, close shave there, don’t want to make fun of me.  Urm, but you do, do an impression of me, don’t you?
Steve
Ha, er, once I did one, yeah, at a gig, yeah, I did an impression.
Alan
Well, can we hear it now?
Steve
Well, I don’t know if it’s appropriate for this programme you know —
Alan
Come on!
Steve
I do it quite late night.
Alan
It doesn’t matter, listen, you can’t scare me, you talking to a man who’s been de—bagged at a pharmaceutical conference. Come on, do, do your Alan Partridge.
Steve
No, I just, I prefer not to, I just don’t want to
Alan
That’s why you’re on the show. Do Alan Partridge. Do it.
Steve
(Pause. In his Alan Oartridge voice) Good evening, I’m Alan Partridge, welcome to knowing me, knowing you with Alan Partridge —
Alan
Ha ha!
Steve
—Alan Partridge, I’ll just say my name again, I’m Alan Partridge, it’s not that I like the sound of my own voice, it’s just I enjoy hearing myself speak. I’m Alan Partridge, this is sports desk, I’m Alan Partridge, people say I make mistakes, but the only mistake I’ve ever made was being born —
Alan
What —
Steve
— I’m Alan Partridge, I’m the non-thinking man’s Elton Wellsby, I’m Alan Partridge —
Alan
All right ~
Steve
— I’m a media whore with no punters ~
Alan
— that’s it ~
Steve
— let me on the telly, let me on the telly —
Alan .
I don’t say that —
Steve
~ I’m Alan Partridge, I’m the man, I’m Alan Partridge, I tell ya, I’m Alan Partridge. I’m the man who makes Jimmy Hill look like Umberto Eco. I’m Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge, urrr, Alan Partridge ( more quietly) Alan Partridge — Alan Partridge.
Alan
Now that, sunshine, is libellous.
Steve
(Still in his Alan Partridge voice) Now that, sunshine, is libellous.
Alan
That’s what I said.
Steve
That’s what I said.
Alan
What are you doing?
Steve
What are you doing?
Alan
Will you just stop repeating —
Steve
Stop —
Alan
Don’t —
Steve
Don’t 
Alan
Stop it!
Steve
Stop it!
Alan
This is stupid.
Steve
This is stupid.
Alan
But you’re making yourself look stupid
Steve
You’re making yourself look stupid
Alan
No. Stop that now.
Steve
Stop that now.
Alan
Stop it.
Steve
Stop it.
Alan
Don’t say any more
Steve
Don’t say any more
Alan
Stop it.
Steve
Stop it.
Alan
You look ridiculous
Steve
You look ridiculous
Alan
That’s it.
Steve
That’s it.
Alan
That’s it.
Steve
That’s it. (Pause)
Alan
That was Steve Thompson there, the impressionist.
Steve
That was Steve Thompson —
Alan
You’re not still doing it!
Steve
You’re not still doing it!
Alan
Oh, it’s ridiculous now!
Steve
It’s ridiculous now!
Alan
You look, it’s, it’s ridiculous.
Steve
You look ridiculous.
Alan
Please, stop it.
Steve
Please, stop it.
Alan
I’m Alan Partridge.
Steve
I’m Alan Partridge.
Alan
What’s Umberto Eco?
Steve
What’s Umberto Eco?
Alan
Translate that now.
Steve
Translate that now.
Alan
What is it?
Steve
What is it?
Alan
What, what is it?
Steve
What is it?
Alan
What is it?
Steve
What is it?
Alan
(Quietly) What is it?
Steve
(Quietly) He’s a person.
Alan
He’s a person?
Steve
He’s a person?
Alan
(Quietly) What does he do?
Steve
(Quietly) He’s a semiologist
Alan
He’s a semiologist?
Steve
He’s a semiologist?
Alan
What’s a semiologist?
Steve
What’s a semiologist?
Alan
What is it?
Steve
What is it?
Alan
What is it?
Steve
What is it?
Alan
What is it?
Steve
I’m not telling you.
Alan
What’s a semiologist?
Steve
What’s a semiologist?
Alan
You can’t do that.
Steve
You can’t do that.
Alan
Stop it.
Steve
Stop it.
Alan
(Shouting) I’m Alan Partridge!
Steve
(Shouting) I’m Alan Partridge!
Alan
(Shouting) I’m Alan Partridge!
Steve
(Shouting) I’m Alan Partridge!
(Pause)
Alan
(Whispers) If you speak again I will physically hit you.
(Pause)
That was, um, that was Steve Thompson there, the impressionist. A quick question before you go, Steve, what’s the name of the researcher that booked you?
Steve
I don’t know.
Alan
Is it Lisa?
Steve
No.
Alan
Must have been Jason then, that’s all I need to know. OK, um, Steve Thompson there, thanks very much, Steve.
Applause
Alan
There’s no time to clap, there’s no time to clap. (Applause continues) There’s, no, there’s no time there’s no time. Now, my next guest is a government minister, she made her name in the early eighties as the uncompromising leader of Norwich city council, and as an MP, she’s quickly shot up the greasy pole as junior minister for housing. In the past week she’s been subject to some unforgivable press rumour and innuendo, regarding her holiday abroad with two seventeen-year-old boy twins, and she’s come on to my show tonight to clear her name and to tell us how she’s making this country great again. Please welcome the junior minister for housing, the delightful, Mrs Sandra Peaks.
Music: ‘Gimme Gimme Gimme’.
Applause.
Alan
Welcome. Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, the minister for housing, Mrs Sandra Peaks, ah-haa.
Sandra
It’s my pleasure, Alan.
Alan
No, you say, Ah-haa.
Sandra
Ah-haa.
Alan
Thanks. Now you, you and I have something in common, don’t we?
Sandra
We both live in Norwich, yes.
Alan
That’s right, we both come from the little island in the bog, Norwich, and, er, you’re now MP for Norwich, and you’ve reached, you’ve recently reached the dizzy heights of, er, junior ministerial ofﬁce. Congratulations.
Sandra
Thank you very much, and thank you for your sterling work in the election with the loudhailer.
Alan
Yep, yeah, it was a pleasure, I don’t, I don’t want to disclose my political afﬁliations here, think that would be inappropriate, but sufﬁce to say, that on April the tenth I think we all breathed a sigh of relief.
Sandra
We certainly did.
Alan
And of course if I may say so, a very successful leader of Norwich council. 
Sandra
That’s right, doing what had to be done, getting rates down, getting poll tax down, and, erm, not handing out money, but handing out hope, which is a lot more precious.
Alan
Right, and, er, getting, getting rid of those, rid of those gypsies. Er, but we’re here to talk about the rumours, the sordid speculation which has blighted your life, over the past couple of days.
Sandra
That’s been rammed down everybody’s throats.
Alan
Yes, now, for listeners, for listeners at home those who’ve, er, had the good fortune not to have seen the photographs in the tabloids, they depict the minister, quite simply on holiday, on a lounger with two young lads, just you know popping a bit of, you know, baby lotion on to your tummy and legs. Now these seventeen-year-old twin brothers ~
Sandra
Hence the predictably smutty Sun headline —
Alan
Twin Peaks, that’s right. Presumably a reference to your, er, your ample bosom there.
Sandra
No, that’s a reference to the fact that my name is Sandra Peaks and the two lads were twins.
Alan
Oh right! That’s clever, yeah. But it works both ways, doesn’t it.
Sandra
Well, if you have a tawdry mind, yes.
Alan
Yeah.Wh-wh-what, what was actually going on?
Sandra
Well, look, as you well know, Alan, the only twin peaks that I’m interested in are the twin peaks of initiative and responsibility.
Alan
Very clever.
Sandra
Now these two lads, these were two homeless people, with initiative, and they wrote to me explaining the situation, which quite naturally I wanted to do something about, and we gave them a job on Brightside Constructions, my husband Brian’s construction industry.
Alan
That’s right because he’s employed a lot of young boys, hasn’t he?
Sandra
Yes, yes, two hundred and ﬁfty in the last three months.
Alan
Golly, that’s, that’s a lot. Um, um, but why, why, did you take the boys on holiday?
Sandra
Well, this is the point I’m trying to make, it’s very easy to lose touch with the public and Brian and I thought it would be a great idea to take Craig and Matt away, get them out of their depressing environment, get to know them at a grass-roots level. Now if a minister for housing can’t get to know the very people she’s trying to house, then what sort of a democracy is it?
Alan
Absolutely, hear hear, as they say in the House of Lords, now, now as far, as far as I’m concerned that issue is closed, we’ve got rid of the muck, we’ve hosed you down, but, er, just in case there’s, er, any little bit of dirt still sticking in any nooks or crannies or, or cracks, on you, then let’s get out the high-pressure nozzle, let’s, let’s do that by bringing on to this programme, with your consent —
Sandra
Absolutely, yes —
Alan
— the two young lads at the centre of this episode, they’re here tonight, please welcome the two seventeen-year-old twin lads, they’ve been great in hospitality making us all laugh, please welcome Craig and Matt Bradley.
Music: ‘Gimme Gimme Gimme’
Applause
Alan
Craig and Matt, welcome, ah-haa.
Craig and Matt
Ah-haa.
Alan
Now which, which one’s Craig, which one’s Matt?
Craig
I’m Craig.
Matt
And I’m Matt.
Alan
Right, OK, did you enjoy hospitality?
Craig
Yes —
Matt
Yeah, it’s great, yeah.
Alan
Managed to eat the sandwiches?
Matt
(Laughing) Yeah —
Alan
Take a few cans home, did you?
Matt
Yeah, right.
Alan
That’s what I do. I don’t really, I don’t do that, I don’t pilfer. Erm, now you’ve heard and read presumably, about the allegations, tell us about the minister, you know her better than anyone else, what’s she like?
Craig
She’s very nice.
Matt
Yeah, she’s, she’s lovely, we’re just like one big happy family, ain’t we?
Alan
And so what was your reaction when you saw the photographs in the paper?
Matt
I, I, I thought —
Craig
Very, very upset.
Matt
It was disgusting, you know, in this day and age, just because someone goes topless, you know, there’s a big scandal.
Alan
She wasn’t topless in the photographs.
Sandra
No, I never took my top off.
Craig
No, what Matt, what Matt means is that we, we’re topless, me and Matt were topless. So Mrs Peaks was never topless.
Alan
Right.
Matt
We’re just one big happy family.
Alan
Yes, yeah, but, er, you had a great time?
Craig
Yeah -
Radio Show 5
Matt
Yeah, brilliant.
Sandra
Yeah, I wish I was seventeen again.
Alan
Why?
Sandra
]ust, just so that I could —
Matt
We were one big happy family.
Alan
Yeah, yeah, you’ve said that. (Pause) OK, I’ve heard what you’ve said and I have to say that I, Alan Partridge, think that someone here smells deeply of ﬁsh, and it’s not Alan Partridge.
Sandra
Well, what are you trying to say, Alan?
Alan
It’s all a bit too squeaky clean. Come on, lads, bottom line, I’ve got a cheque book here, how much to spill the beans?
Sandra
No, no no no, Alan, do not descend into this — (Craig and Matt murmur to each other)
Craig
Twenty thousand.
Sandra
Don't accept this —
Matt
Oh, shut it, Sandra.
Alan
Producer’s telling me you can have sixteen thousand pounds.
Craig
It’s not enough.
Sandra
I do not believe that I am sitting here, and you, Alan Partridge ~
Craig
It’s not enough.
Matt
(Quietly) Craig!
Craig
(Quietly) Don’t worry, I’ll get it.
Alan
I’ll give you four out of my own pocket.
Craig
Cash.
Alan
Yeah, right, yeah, cash.
Craig
After the show.
Alan
After the show, we’ll do that.
Craig
Sixteen now.
Sandra
Right, I’m leaving.
Alan
Yeah, right, done. Done.
Sandra
I am leaving, Mr Partridge —
Alan
She ’s getting up, the minister’s leaving the show, she’s walking out on my show.
Sandra
— I am going —
Alan
She’s going — she’s off the show (Sandra can be heard shouting in the background.) Thank you, that’s all, minister. Now, dish the dirt.
Craig
Where’s the cheque? The cheque.
Alan
Right, erm, there.
Craig
Make it out to me, Craig Bradley.
Matt
And Matt.
Craig
Na, na, that’s all right, I’ll sort it out.
Alan
There, now, come on, quick, we’ve got two minutes, dirt quickly.
Craig
We’re rent boys.
Alan
Rent boys, right, what did you do, what did you do?
Craig
Everything, she got us through an agency.
Alan
Yep, what, what did you do? What?
Matt
Er, bondage, she made us dress like dogs.
Alan .
That’s disgusting, dogs!
Craig
She had sort of metal clanking leads.
Matt
Yeah.
Alan
Oh, that’s awful, any more, any more? Quick.
Craig
She made us bark, and we had to eat dog food from a silver bowl.
Alan
That’s disgusting —
Matt
I ate it, I ate it, Craig didn’t.
Alan
Did, did she use a tawse?
Craig
A what?
Alan
It’s, er, a bamboo back leather strap, three prongs.
Craig
Yes, yes.
Alan
Right, yes, right.
Matt
And she made —
Alan
Quickly, quickly.
Matt
She made, she made, er, Brian wanted to be a dog as well but she wouldn’t let him —
Craig
That’s right, yeah!
Matt
~ and she made Mr Peaks go into the bathroom and lick milk up from the shower.
Alan
Did he go meow, like a cat?
Craig
No
Matt
No, no, no, no.
Alan
Right, OK, quickly, please, give me some physical evidence of what she did.
Craig
Right, all right —
Matt
Here, look at my bottom, look at that.
Alan
Look at his bottom, ladies and gentlemen, there are, look at that, look at his —
Craig
It’s radio, Alan, they can’t see.
Alan
l’ll describe it, it’s got two cheeks, it’s just like an ordinary one, but it’s, it’s got —
Matt
Purple and black bits —
Alan
~ deep welt marks 
Craig
He can’t sit down, my brother can’t sit down —
Alan
— inﬂicted by a torse, inﬂicted by a minister of the crown. And on that bombshell, we say, knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, the you, the impressionist, the you, the Duchess of Stranraugh, the you, the rent boys, and the you, the minister of the crown.That’s all from me, Alan Partridge, thanks to my team of writers and researchers, Steve Coogan, Patrick Marber, David Schneider, Rebecca Front, Doon McKichan —
Applause
Alan
Thanks also to my producer, Armando Iannucci.We’ll be back at the same time next week, and, we’ve, we’ve just heard we’ve just heard that Sandra Peaks, the minister for housing, has resigned, yes, a broken woman, we broke her, goodnight.
Thank you.