Knowing Me, Knowing You - Radio Series Episode 6
Scan and OCR editing by Miguel Wilkins/BBAPBF

Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You’
Alan
Ah-haaaa! (Applause) Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome once again to Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge (quietly) ah-haa, ah-haa. Now, the more observant listeners may have noticed that, that last ‘ah-haa’ was tinged with sadness, and that’s because this is the last in the current series of Knowing Me, Knowing you
(Audience: ‘Awwww —’). No, ah-haa! Now, after the show the BBC have told me to clear my desk, pack my bags and hop it! No,of course they haven’t.We are currently in negotiations for a second series, uh, basically, they say that, uh, the deal’s ﬁne as it stands, we say, things change. We say in this business, people become hot. And when you’re handling something that’s hot, you don’t want to get your ﬁngers burnt, so you wear oven gloves. And you handle that hot property with kid gloves — and, and oven gloves outside, outside the kid gloves.
To sum up, in case anyone’s not quite sure what I’m saying, what I’m actually trying to say is, the BBCTV are on the lookout for the next bigTV chat show, um, ﬁngers crossed.TV’s gain could be Radio 4’s loss. OK, let’s get on with the show, let’s banish all talk of Knowing Me Knowing You being a central component of next Autumn’s BBC1 schedule. 
My ﬁrst guest tonight is the Commisioning Director for BBC Television! Please give a warm welcome to Mr Tony Hayers!
Applause and music
Alan
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Tony Hayers. Ah-haa.
Tony
Ah-haa.
Alan
Tony Hayers, Commisioning Director of B-B-C Television.
Tony
Alan Partridge, presenter of Radio 4’s jewel in the crown.
Alan
No, no, it’s Knowing Me, Knowing You.
Tony
I, I meant ‘jewel in the crown’ as in —
Alan
It’s not called Jewel in the Crown, that’s another thing.
Tony
Let’s move on.
Alan
Right, yeah, of course. Now, in a short while, you will be taking telephone calls from members of the public —
Tony
That’s right.
Alan
~ um, who want to know questions about BBCTelevision.That’s why you’re on the show. We look forward to that.
Tony
Yes, yes.
Alan
Now, there is an ethos behind the BBC.
Tony
Yes.
Alan
What is that?
Tony
We’ve always, and always will be, committed to making programmes of originality, quality and excellence. 
Alan
I can see that because I go home, I sit down, I turn the television on to BBC1 and I sit and watch The Darling Buds of May, and I, and I say, ‘Thank God for the BBC, this is quality.’
Tony
Uh, well, that’s very kind, Alan. I have to say that Darling Buds of May is actually ITV.
Alan
Is it? Oh right, um, Inspector Morse then —
Tony
ITV.
Alan
Right, OK, er, The Bill, The Bill —?
Tony
ITV.
Alan
Right, um, Noel ’s House Parry?
Tony
Yes, that’s us, Alan, yes.
Alan
Right, right, so I like to go home, sit down, and think, ‘I want originality, quality and excellence.’ I watch Noel ’s House Party and I think, ‘Thank God for the BBC. Originality, quality and excellence!’
Tony
Yes.
Alan
Noel ’s House Party! It’s interesting, actually, you say The Darling Buds of May, um, because I remember now that the BBC was offered that show —
Tony
Yes, that’s correct —
Alan
— and turned it down.
Tony
— that’s correct, yes.
Alan
So, someone, somewhere along the line, let twenty million viewers slip through his ﬁngers. He must be kicking himself now!
Tony
That was me.
Alan
It’s rubbish! It’s rubbish, though, isn’t it?
Tony
Well, I thought it was very good.
Alan
It is, it is, it’s great, it’s per-ﬁck, isn’t it?
Tony
I’m sorry, I thought you just said it was rubbish, Alan.
Alan
Yeah, it is rubbish, the viewing ﬁgures, th-they’re twenty million.There can’t be that much, that’s rubbish, that’s rubbish.
Tony
Ri—i-ght, right, right.
Alan
Right. I think it’s time for the ﬁrst caller, which is Steve from Hornsea in North London. Steve, are you there?
Steve
Yeah, I am, Alan. Hello.
Alan
Have you got a question forTony Hayers?
Steve
Yeah, er, Tony.
Tony
Hello, Steve, hello.
Steve
Um, I’m a big fan of The Duchess of Duke Street.
Tony
(Chuckles) Oh!
Alan
The Duchess of Duke Street.
Steve
I’m just wondering if you’re gonna bring that back, you know, have repeats of that.
Tony
Um, there — I must confess — there aren’t any ﬁrm plans at the moment, but I, I was a big fan of the series and I’m pleased to hear that it’s fondly remembered in the public’s eye and, um, yes I’ll do my best to see for the future, actually, you could possibly get it on video.
Alan
Is it available on video?
Steve
No, I don’t think so.
Tony
You could try the BBC shop, but I’m not sure myself.
Alan
Well, I hope, I hope that helps you, Steve.
Steve _
Yeah. Can I ask you a question, Alan?
Alan
Certainly. Fire away.
Steve
Why are you such a tit?
Alan
Um, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, we do, we can’t — we had no control of that so I apologise in advance.
Steve
You haven’t answered the question.
Alan
Why hasn’t he been cut off?! He should have been cut off — !
Steve
Why are you —( he is cut off)
Alan
Sorry. Um, the next is — Kelly from Withington. Kelly?
Kerry
Hello?
Alan
Hello.
Tony
Hello.
Alan
Kelly?
Kerry
Kerry.
Alan
Kerry. Sorry.
Kerry
Why haven’t you got more youth programmes?
Alan
What? What?
Kerry
Why aren’t there more youth programmes?
Alan
Why aren’t there more youth programmes?
Tony
Um, well, Kerry, um, that’s an area of programming that we’re addressing at the moment.We have a youth controller and, um, we hope that within the next few years we’ll really have tackled programming for the ﬁfteen to twenty-ﬁve—year-old age bracket.
Alan
Great. And I’d like to think that Knowing Me, Knowing You is in there with the youth programmes because, um, Simon Bates is a big fan of the show, and, um, he’s certainly got his ﬁnger on the nub of youth, and, er, indeed Kerry’s called so I imagine she’s a listener. Kerry, do you like the show?
Kerry
No.
Alan
Right, OK, all right, um, ﬁne. Next caller is Amanda, Amanda Southampton from Southampton. Are you there?
Amanda
It’s, er, it’s just Amanda from Southampton.
Alan
OK. Have you got a ques——, have you got a question forTony?
Amanda
Er, yes, hello,Tony.
Tony
Hello, Amanda.
Amanda
I listen regularly to Radio 4 —
Tony
Mm-hmm.
Amanda
— and I’ve heard all of Knowing Me, Knowing You as a consequence.
Tony
Mmm.
Amanda
— and, um, I just, I just want to say that, um, it’s the most insidiously offensive programme that I’ve ever heard —
Alan
Right —
Amanda
— I don’t how much of it you’ve heard but Alan Partridge has, on air, to my knowledge hit a child, he’s gambled away his wife’s car, he has taken cocaine, bribed rent boys, he was openly homophobic to a gay lawyer ~ I’m sorry, I can’t remember his name —
Alan
Nick Ford.
Amanda
Nick Ford, thank you, and he is unfailingly patronizing to all his women guests —
Alan
Oh, look, have you got a question, dearie?
Amanda
Well, it’s more, really, more of a plea, Mr Hayers —
Tony
Mmm.
Amanda
~ just, p-please, don’t let Alan Partridge on the television.
Tony
Well, Amanda, I’m not responsible for radio, so —
Alan
Sorry, if I, can I deal with this, please? Listen, listen, love, in the cut and thrust, in the cut and thrust of a chat show, people are going to get hit. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Sorry about that, I imagine that was a hoax caller, probably wife of the tit man.We’ve got time for, we’ve got time for one more call, which is from John in Norwich. Hello. John?
John
Hello, Alan. I listen to Knowing Me, Knowing You a lot. I’m a big fan, and I think it should deﬁnitely go to television.
Tony
Right.
John
It could be made very cheaply by Peartree Productions, which is Alan Partridge’s company, I believe.
Alan
That’s right.
John
They could make it at Anglia Studios in Norwich.
Tony
Yes.
John
Yes, very cheaply. Anglia Studios, er, I understand has excellent on-line editing facilities, and digital editing equipment as well that would be useful for television. I reckon you could probably bring in a show for about £75,000, which inTV terms is very cheap, so you’d have quality programming for a cheap budget.
Alan
He’s got a point.
Tony
Mmm.Well, thank you, John, I’ll bear all that in mind, that’s very interesting.
Alan
Is that all, John? Is that all you’ve got to say? Anything else? ( Long pause) Format?
John
Format! Because it will be transferring direct from radio, you wouldn’t have to pay Peartree Productions a large development fee, you could transfer straight away, I mean, Alan could start broadcasting as of next week if he wanted.
Tony
Can I just ask —John, what do you do for a living?
John
I’m a plumber.
Alan
Thanks very much, er, thanks, thanks very much Jason from Norwich.
Tony
John.
Alan
John from Norwich, a plumber. OK, Well, thanks very much,Tony Hayers. Give him a round of applause,Tony Hayers!
Applause 
Alan
Now, my next two guests.Well, one is a TV presenter whose bark is worse than her bite. The other is a fashion designer whose style leaves a lot to be desired. And now they’re both branching out.Why have I kept mentioning bits of trees and stuff like that? Well, this year is the Year of the Tree, and my next guests are two enterprising, stylish ladies who are launching a celebrity tree planting event to raise public awareness about the plight of our trees. Come with me and get to knowTrudy Skye and Yvonne Boyd.
Applause
Alan
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you Trudy Skye andYvonne Boyd, ah-haa.
Trudy and Yvonne
Ah-haa.
Alan
Now, if I can get my teeth into Trudy ﬁrst. Trudy, you are known chieﬂy as presenter of ‘The Show’ on BBC2’s Def Leppard.
Trudy
No, Def Two.
Alan
Right, you present ‘Deaf Two’ on Def Leppard.
Trudy
No, I present my show, ‘The Show’, on Def Two.
Alan
Right, now, for the beneﬁt of my listeners, tell us as brieﬂy as possible about ‘The Show’.
Trudy
Well, it’s very much a cult thing —
Alan
Small viewing ﬁgures, carry on.
Trudy
Well, it’s a sort of multimedia, um, pot pourri, if you like, of, er, music, art, dance, cabaret, culture, ﬂoating sculpture, um, and it’s sort of aimed at teenagers with like a four-second attention span.
Alan
Yeah, I have to say my teenage children, Fernando and Denise, are avid, avid watchers.
Trudy
Fabbo.
Alan
I, on the other hand, ﬁnd it completely exhausting, um, it’s so fast. I thought our telly was on the blink, changing all the time.
Trudy
Well, it’s very much in-your-face television.
Alan
Yes, I did feel it in my face, yeah, yes. I thought my head was going to explode, like, er, like in that ﬁlm — um, let me move on to you,Yvonne Boyd. You are a fashion designer but you don’t design clothes that ordinary people would wear in the street. You design more, kind of outlandish, sort of funny-looking clown-type costume things.
Yvonne
I mean, I really think that all clothes are a statement.
Alan
I mean, my bank manager couldn’t wear one of your clown costumes, for example.
Yvonne
Well, Why not?
Alan
Because he’d look ridiculous, he’d look like a clown!
Yvonne
Yes, but I mean what I would say to you is, would you say that he looked ridiculous if he was wearing like, um, a long bit of striped cotton with ﬂaps around the neck and wrist and maybe a bit of brightly coloured silk around the neck.
Alan
Yes, that would look silly.
Yvonne
Right, so you would think that he looked silly in a shirt and tie.
Alan
Oh, I see, very clever, OK, my bank manager looks stupid, right, and you look normal wearing what I can only describe as a shrub on your head.
Yvonne
It is a shrub, it’s my shrub hat.
Alan
And the statement you’re making presumably is, ‘I’m wearing a shrub on my head.’
Yvonne
All clothes, as I said, are a statement of something, so what I’m wearing is a statement and what you’re wearing now, which is, um, a sort of fuchsia and sage Pringle jumper with, um, a golf design knitted into it »
Alan
Thank you.
Yvonne
— that also is making a statement, I mean, that is saying, you know, ‘I am a performer Look, look, I’m bright and exciting.’
Alan i
Right. Well, yes it is, it is, I mean, it’s saying, ‘I’m Alan Partridge, I am sports-casual.’ Um, I mean, how would you describe me as a ﬁgure? What would you say I was?
Yvonne
I would say that you were a sort of a rococo ﬁgure, uh, a kind of a ‘mock baroque’ if you like.
Alan
Oh, thank you, thank you. Knowing me, Alan Partridge, ‘mock baroque’, knowing you Yvonne Boyd, tree lady. Now, now the reason why you’re both here is to promote your tree campaign.Trudy, tell us about that.
Trudy
Well, Treenaissance ’93 is a sort of, it’s a sort of massive tree-planting eco—drive to raise consciousness and what we’re saying, basically, is, ‘Germination not termination’.We’re saying, we’re saying, ‘Sapling not grappling’, we’re saying, ‘Nurture not torture’.
Alan
Great, I’ve got a good one for you, um, I thought it up in the car on the way, on the way down. ‘Build a tree, don’t cut it down, for goodness sake!’ Put that on aT—shirt. Um, now, when, when did you ﬁrst get the idea forTreenaissance ’93?
Trudy
Well, it was actually on one of our hen runs —
Alan
Oh, yes, the infamous hen runs, tell us about those.
Trudy
Well, it’s once a month, about thirty of us girlies get together and go on a coach trip, it’s sort of women only, just to sort of create an exciting —
Alan
Who — what kind of people go on these trips?
Trudy
Oh, just friends, you know —Yasmin Le Bon, Annie Lennox, Katie Puckrik —
Yvonne
Juliet Stephenson.
Alan
Yeah, yeah.
Trudy
Yeah, FayWeldon, Janet Street—Porter —
Yvonne
Pamela Stevenson -
Alan
Yep.
Trudy
All the Cholmondeleys —
Alan
Yeah, yeah, I get the picture, yeah, that lot —
Trudy
I think that, that the day that it sort of rose in our collective psyche was —
Alan
When you got the idea?
Trudy
Uh-huh.
Alan
Yes.
Trudy
Yeah, it was an outing to Margate where we had a wonderful day and, uh, We actually just chanced upon this incredible greasy cafe on the sea front ~
Yvonne
It was really extraordinary.
Trudy
— it was so kitsch, it was like, uh, I can’t describe it, there were like dirty tablecloths and the ﬂoor was ﬁlthy, and the waiter was Italian —
Yvonne
The waiter had actually been born in Italy and he’d come over here to work as a waiter.
Alan
Really.
Trudy
— amazing
Yvonne
They had these, um, on every table, they had like plastic red tomatoes, which you’d squeeze and you got tomato ketchup out of them, but they looked like a sort of Robert Rauschenberg — they were sort of, they were too big for themselves —
Trudy
— and they inspired Yvonne to launch her tomato collection which was sort of plastic red puffball dresses with a stomach design of a green nozzle ~
Alan
Hmm, something else for my bank manager to wear — but to get back to the original question, tell me about Treenaissance. I suppose it was a very wacky do and everyone was all really trendy, presumably you, uh, you, you went dressed as a banana, or something like that, all bent —
Yvonne
No, I went wearing what I am wearing now, part of my tree collection.
Alan
You went wearing what you are wearing now? I hope you changed your underwear.
Yvonne
I don’t wear underwear.
Alan
Of course you do —
Yvonne
No, I don’t —
Alan
You do, you’re just trying to be wacky.
Yvonne
I’m not being wacky, I don’t approve of underwear. I see it as a restriction of personal freedom and I’ve never worn it —
Alan
Balderdash! Everyone wears underwear ~
Yvonne
 not balder - I, don’t ~ I’m not lying — don’t call me a liar —
Alan
— you do, you do ~ you do ~
Yvonne
Right! I’ll show you!
Alan
Don’t, no, don’t do that — don’t — oh my God! — oh my God! (Long pause) Oh God, I can’t get it out ofme head! — I just, I can still see it! — that’s atrocious — ladies and gentlemen, she just showed me her woman’s area! Thank goodness it’s radio, I never thought I’d say that! I can’t believe it, that was atrocious!
Yvonne
If you go around calling people liars on your show then you’ve got to expect people to show their veracity.
Alan
You will not show your veracity on my show! I just want to say if anyone, if anyone’s listening to this, I had no idea that they were going to be so candid and to make quite clear my abhorrence, I now will tell them to leave, and in addition to that I will ask the audience to boo them.Thank you very much to Trudy Skye and Yvonne Boyd. Goodnight. Boo them! (Audience boos) Boo them! Go on, boo them!
(Audience hisses.) That’s right. And hiss them!
Right. Now. My ﬁnal guest tonight is an eighty-four-year—old man. (Audience: ‘Aww ’) During his long, distinguished, maverick political career, he’s been famous for his outspoken views and the outspoken way of speaking them. In 1963, he reduced interviewer David Frost to a gibbering wreck of tears. In a recentTV debate with feminist Andrea Dworkin he caused outrage when he told her to shut up and shave. And only, and only last week, he sensationally renounced his peerage and left the House of Lords. 
I better watch out, and so had you, as we get to know Lord Morgan of Glossop.
Music: ‘Waterloo ’
Applause
Alan
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Lord Morgan of Glossop, ah-haa.
Lord Morgan
(Longpause) Hello.
Alan
No, you’re not going to do that? OK. Now, you just resigned from the House of Lords. Do you want to tell us about that?
Lord Morgan
One week ago, I stood up in the House of Lords and I said, ‘My lords and ladies, you’re all arses. Goodbye.’
Alan
Ha-ha-ha, great, um, you just published your autobiography. What’s that about?
Lord Morgan
It’s about my life, you arse.
Alan
Oh, you, you, you, you described your childhood in the book and I imagined your life in Glossop in Derbyshire, I imagine a life of cobbly streets, of inclement weather, a wholesome existence. Is that fair?
Lord Morgan
When I was ﬁve, I walked into the parlour and I witnessed my father shooting my mother. He then placed the shotgun into his own mouth and blew his brains out.
Alan
So, it wasn’t an idyllic childhood?
Lord Morgan
On the contrary, I was spared the ridiculous hypocrisy of family life.The only friend a man needs is the bottle. 
Alan
Right. No doubt then, if you’re so fond of the bottle, you’ll be quite pleased that we left a bottle of ten—year-old malt in your dressing room?
Lord Morgan
Yes. All gone.
Alan
Did you enjoy it?
Lord Morgan
Piss!
Alan
I can see why David Frost started crying.
Lord Morgan
He’s an arse.
Alan
Well, I won’t ask why.
Lord Morgan
You’re an arse.
Alan
Huh. Oh, so, after, er, after childhood, what happened then?
Lord Morgan
Adolescence.
Alan
And, er, what was that like?
Lord Morgan
Like childhood, but with more pubic hair ~ ha ha! (Coughs) I got you there!
Alan
Yes, got me there — now —
Lord Morgan
You arse!
Alan
Look, please, please, now, Lord Morgan, please, people are listening. Now, in Oxford, in the 1930s, you went up to Oxford to study the Classics and it was there you met W. H. Auden —
Lord Morgan
Poof.
Alan
— Steven Spelling —
Lord Morgan
Poof.
Alan
— Cecil Day Lewis —
Lord Morgan
Big poof.
Alan
You, you, you didn’t like them, did you?
Lord Morgan
Nancy boy, communist, poofter poets — poofy poets prancing around.
Alan
Right, OK. So, you didn’t like them?
Lord Morgan
You arse!
Alan
Don’t say that again, please, please.
Lord Morgan
If you don’t want me to say it again, I won’t say it again. I give you my word.
Alan
Are you a man of your word?
Lord Morgan
No.
Alan
Right, um, and er, you’ve been very outspoken, you’re in favour of hanging —
Lord Morgan
Only for criminals.
Alan
Right, but, um, oddly, more recently, you’ve been an outspoken defender of pornography.Why?
Lord Morgan
What a man chooses to do in the privacy of his own attic is his business alone.
Alan
Right, but what about the feminist argument that pornography degrades women?
Lord Morgan
But is it not the case that sex degrades women — if it’s any good? It’s true —
Alan
Yes, yes, yes. Couldn’t agree more. (Lord Morgan coughs) Now, now you’re in Who's Who and, er —
Lord Morgan
I like those prostitutes.
Alan
Sorry?
Lord Morgan
I like those prostitutes. They were very nice
Alan
Who? What prostitutes?
Lord Morgan
Those prostitutes you had on before —
Alan
They were not — they, they were guests, you can’t say that, they were guests —
Lord Morgan
They look like whores.
Alan
Don’t say that, don’t, shh, don’t!
Lord Morgan
They did!
Alan
Look (whispers), look. I, you and I know they look like whores. But you can’t say that.
Lord Morgan
(Coughs and chokes while Alan is speaking)
Alan
(Ignoring Lord Morgan ’s coughing) Now, I would love to be in Who’s Who and I, I, we, what I’ve got here is my entry for Who’s Who as follows: ‘Alan Gordon Partridge, born 2nd April 1955 in Norwich. Journalist, commentator, broadcaster, and interviewer for AngliaTV’s Sport Report, On the Hour, BBC Radio 4, host of own chat show Knowing Me, Knowing You, Radio 4 and others’. Is that the sort of thing that would be an acceptable form of words, with which to grace the hallowed turf of Who’s Who’s pages? — (long pause) — no? I see that your own entry lists your hobbies ~ food, whisky and your attic — I mean, do you eat toffee? —longer pause) — Lord Morgan? 
Lord Morgan? Could we have the chief medical ofﬁcer, please? (Quietly, in the background) I’m very worried, is there anything at all?
Medical Ofﬁcer
I’m afraid his pulse has completely stopped.
Alan
Right, I’ll deal with this, I’ll deal with this. (Loudly) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, it’s, it’s with great regret that I have to announce that Lord Morgan of Glossop passed away peacefully some moments ago and, and on that bombshell, on that bomb—, no we can’t, I can’t do that ~ no, this, this, this is, this is a profound moment — I suggest we perhaps observe a minute silence — in fact, I ought to cover him, um, I’m just, I’m just taking my sweater off and I’m going to drape it over his head. I drape my sweater over his head to preserve some dignity as, as Lord Morgan sits immovable beneath the hastily improvised Pringle shroud. It seems, it seems somehow appropriate to say, ‘This is knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Lord Morgan, rest in peace, ah-haa. Please, please, one minute silence starting now, please, stop What you’re doing, if you’re in the car, pull over, if you’re on the motorway, please, pull in at the next service station and observe a minute silence in your own time — er, if you’re on the MI, there’s Scratchwood,Toddington, and Newport where you’ll ﬁnd a Country Kitchen — um, if you’re on the M6 you’ve got Knutsford, Sandbach and Hill Park, so, a minute silence —(long pause) — 
I’ll have to speak periodically to, so we’re still broadcasting ( more silence).This is Radio 4 — with Alan Partridge —( more silence) — uh, drivers on the M4, you might, might want to pull off at Chippenham, where, if I’m not mistaken, you’ll ﬁnd a Julie’s Pantry — uh, minute silence — ( more silence) — in fact, I think we’re running out of time, I’m sure, um, Lord Morgan wouldn’t mind if I encroached on his minute silence to read out the credits, um, I’d like to thank my guests Tony Hayers,Trudy Skye, Yvonne Boyd, my team of writers and researchers, Steve Coogan, Patrick Marber, Rebecca Front, Doon MacKichan, David Schneider and my producer Armando Iannucci and, er, on this very sombre bombshell, I wish you all goodnight.
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowinglbu ’
Applause