Knowing Me, Knowing You - TV - episode 1
Scanned and edited by Miguel Wilkins/BBAPBF

Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You’
Alan
Ah-haa!
Alan does a little run onstage and mimes pulling guns out of a holster and shooting them.
Applause
Alan
Welcome.Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You, with me, Alan Partridge, live from BBC Television Centre. You’d better believe it, babe: there’s a new chat in town.
Drum roll
Alan
Tonight is what I call a JFK kind of a night. Because, just as everyone can remember what they were doing when President Kennedy was shot in the head, I like to think that thirty years from now, people will remember what they were doing when I ﬁrst said, ‘Ah~haa.’ 
As tonight’s motorcade of chat cruises through celebrity city, let’s hope there isn’t a lone sniper waiting to pick off my star guest. He arrived at Heathrow Airport ten minutes ago and is now being whisked to the studio in a black Vauxhall Carlton. He is none other than 007 James Bond, Roger Moore.
Applause
Alan
I hope you like my set. It’s modelled on the lobby of a top international hotel. And, for the ﬁrst time ever on a chat show, a beautiful fountain. But ﬁrst, up there in their musical mezzanine, let’s get to know my resident house band, Glen Ponder and Chalet.
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’
Applause
Alan
Knowing, knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glen Ponder, ah-haa.
Glen
Ah-haa.
Alan
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Chalet, ah-haa.
Chalet
(In unison) Ah-haa.
Alan
Great to have you aboard, Glen.
Glen
Well, it’s, it’s great to be here.We’re really ~
Alan
Now just enjoy the show.
Glen
— looking forward to it.
Alan
Sorry?
Glen
Sorry.
Alan
Glen Ponder. Glen Ponder and Chalet! Have a good time.
Glen
And you.
Applause and music
Alan
Well, it’s time to meet my ﬁrst guest now, after I’ve done her introduction now. Now. Red Rum, Desert Orchid, Black Beauty, Shergar and Mr Ed.What have they got in common? Well, they’re all celebrity horses.
My ﬁrst guest is not a celebrity horse. She’s a celebrity who rides a horse. Let’s see her in action.
Showjumping video is played.
Alan
Gidee, gidee, gidee, yes! Yes! And a — yeah!Yes! Take that horse back to the stable and give it a kiss. There’s no ﬁner way to start my series than in the company of World-Championship winning, lady—showjumping horse legend, Sue Lewis!
Applause and music: ‘The Winner Takes It All’,
Sue Lewis joins Alan.
Alan
Got a quick whiff of your perfume there, that’s nice. Errn. Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Sue Lewis, ah-haa.
Sue
Ah-ha. (Laughs nervously)
Alan
Right. Now. Horses. Horses. People say a dog is like its owner. Is a horse like its rider?
Sue
(Nervously) I don’t know.
Alan
Can you speak  can you speak up a bit?
Sue
(Clearly) I don’t know.
Alan
You don’t think there’s any resemblance? You don’t think you look like a horse?
Sue
Well, I hope not. (Laughs nervously)
Alan
Speak up!
Sue
(Clears throat) I hope not.
Alan
Sorry, can we turn, sorry, can we turn the fountain off, please? Sorry. Sorry, Sue. Erm.Thank you. The idea of the fountain was to represent a, a fountain of knowledge, you know, to symbolize the show. Now. Now, Sue.
Sue
It looks lovely.
Alan
It, it is. Well, it cost two grand.Two grand to do that, yes. (to camera) That’s, by the way, that’s the kind of thing you’ll be seeing throughout the series: lots of money spent on expensive items. 
Now you won the hearts of the British public when last year you trotted off with the World Championship.
Sue
Yes.
Silence
Alan
How did that feel?
Sue
Oh. Great.
Silence
Alan
Re—really?
Silence
Sue
Really great. (Laughs nervously)
Alan
Right, right, yeah. Erm and, and, and, and, and was, was the horse, was your horse, Joie de Vivre, was he aware of the excitement?
Sue
Oh yes.
Silence
Alan
Erm. What, what did you, erm, did you give him a treat afterwards?
Sue
Yes. (Laughs)
Alan
What? Did you, did you up and tickle his belly?
Sue laughs.
Alan
No, actually that’s a dangerous area. Em, er, I’m thinking of, er, that man with the dolphin. Erm. Now. Now, Sue, erm, let’s move, move on to the, to the anecdotes. Do, do, do the anecdote. Do it now.
Sue
Well, erm, all it was was that, erm, when you transport a horse to an event in a horsebox, erm, you have to do it very carefully and it takes a lot of time and effort and so on.
Alan
Yeah.
Sue
Erm. The owner of Hoie de Vivre, Maxwell Henderson, was driving 
Alan
Mmm. Yeah. Just a second. Just get to the bit about the horsebox on the road.
Sue
(Laughs) Right, right.Well, erm, we were driving up the motorway.
Alan
Yeah.
Sue
And, er —
Alan
She was driving along the motorway 
Sue
Sorry?
Alan
— with this man in a car. Sorry, I’m doing the story for you. Please —
Sue
(Laughs) Oh!
Alan
Sorry.
Sue
Erm. Right, well, we were driving up the motorway and Maxwell decided he needed a drink so we stopped off at some shops in Newbury.
Alan
Right. Sorry, Sue, can I just interrupt you? (Alan presses his ﬁnger to his ear) I’ve just been told that Roger Moore has just passed Heston Services — and should be with us very soon. Sorry, Sue, carry on.
Sue
Erm. (Laughing) Oh, I’ve forgotten where I was. Where was I?
Alan
I’ve absolutely no idea. But that’s, that’s not working. Abandon that. Go on to the other story.
Sue
Oh, I remember, I remember.
Alan
All right, go back.
Sue
Right, we, erm, we stopped at some shops in Newbury so that Maxwell could get a drink.
Alan
Yeah, yeah, don’t, don’t —
Sue
~ water or cup of tea or something ~
Alan
Yeah, mmm-hmm, yeah.
Sue
— and, and I wanted to buy something to read.
Alan
Right, so you bought a book.
Sue
So I bought a book and, erm, the point is that it was a very small bookshop ...
Alan
Mmm, yeah.
Sue
— and they were catering for a sort of mass audience —
Alan
Yeah. Be quicker.
Sue
— so (laughs), right, so I went in and I bought a book —
Alan
Yeah.
Sue
~ and when I was going back out to the horsebox 
Alan
That’s, that’s, that’s not quick. She bought a book, she got in the car, and the book was called Killing Horses. (Sue laughs) And the driver thought she was some, some sort of murderess. (Sue laughs) She explained she was just buying the book: it was hilarious.
Sue
It was hil—
Alan
Really. That’s —
Sue
It was the only book I could ﬁnd.
Alan
— that’s, that’s the end, that’s the end of the story. That’s the end of the story. OK. Now. It says here — it says here, ‘Hawaii’. What happened in Hawaii? Exotic location. Give me spice.
Sue
I lost my luggage.
Alan
Ooh, dear. What, what happened?
Sue
Well, it turned up in Brazilia. (Laughs)
Alan
Oh, disaster! What, what next?
Sue
Well, it was ﬁne. I mean, there was nothing missing or anything.
Alan
You see, that’s no good.That’s, that’s an incident, you know. It’s not an anecdote. You’ve got down here on your press release, ‘Anecdotes’. And that’s dishonest, you know. It’s no good, it’s no good for a chat show, you know. Just, er, just for future reference; otherwise you waste people’s time.
Sue
Thanks.
Alan
Not to worry!We’ve got a surprise for you — in this, one of the regular features of the series, called ‘Up Alan’s Sleeve’ .Well, well, Sue Lewis, this week I have for you, up my sleeve, a horse! And a jump! Bring on the horse and the jump!
Sue
Gosh!
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You’, horse and jump brought on stage.
Alan
It’s not your horse.We couldn’t get your horse, so it’s, it’s just a horse.
Sue
(Stroking horse) Hello, guy.
Alan
Now, isn’t — isn’t he a beauty?
Sue
She.
Alan
She. (Looking at the rear of the horse) Yes, you’re absolutely right. Erm, Sue, we’ve got the horse; we’ve got the jump. I know I’ve sprung this on you, but will you rise to the challenge; will you jump the jump?
Sue
Oh no, I can’t. (Laughs nervously)
Alan
She doesn’t want to do it. Do you want her to jump the jump?
Audience
Yes!
Alan
Will you jump the jump?
Sue
No, I, I really, I really can’t. Erm, this is a concrete, this is a concrete ﬂoor and it would — I mean, the horse, the horse has very delicate legs and it would damage the horse.
Alan
Well, well, well, hold on, can we gaffer-tape some sponges to the horse’s hooves?
Sue
No (laughing) no, that wouldn’t work. It would break the horse’s legs. It really can’t be done. ‘Please don’t break my legs,’ she’s saying. (Laughs)
Alan
Don’t do that. All right, get rid of the horse and the jump.
Horse craps on the studioﬂoor.
Alan
That — that’s your fault.
Sue
She was nervous.
Alan
You really, you really ought to get a dustpan and brush and tidy that up.That could have been spectacular.We could have had a horse jump; now we’ve got a lump of dung.
Sue
I’m sorry.
Alan
Well, that’s it. I’ve got, I’ve got, I’ve got nothing else to say.
Sue
No more questions?
Alan
No. Have you got any questions?
Sue
Have you ever ridden a horse?
Alan
Yes, I have.Yes, I, er, I went ponytrekking, er, when I, when I was a schoolboy in Cornwall.
Sue
Gosh.
Alan
It’s like one of your stories, that, isn’t it?
(Sue laughs)
Ladies and gentlemen, Sue Lewis. Fame! I’m gonna live for ever. (Sue begins to walk offstage) Stay there, Sue. Fame! I’m gonna learn how to ﬂy. Of course I’m not. But in  but in a sense, my next guest did.
Two years ago he was presenting the loony breakfast show on Radio Leeds. Now he’s topped the ratings as the new host of This Is Your Life. He’s a trouper; I think he’s super; please welcome supertrouper Keith Hunt. Where is he?
Applause and music: ‘Superstar’,
'Keith Hunt jumps over the back of the sofa and joins Alan and Sue.
Alan
(Laughing) Oh, dear. Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Keith Hunt, ah-haa.
Keith
Ah-haa. Am I right?
Audience
You’re not wrong.
Alan
I don’t believe it.You’re only on ﬁve seconds and you’ve got a catchphrase on already.
Keith
I like to slip it in early, if you know what I mean.
Alan laughs
Keith
You all right, Sue?
Sue
You’re not wrong. (Laughs)
Keith
She’s a barrel o’ laughs.
Alan
Yeah.
Keith
Pity it’s empty. Am I right? 
Audience
You’re not wrong.
Alan
Yeah, yeah.
Keith
We’re only joking, Sue.
Alan
No, you really are not wrong. Erm now  Keith. This Is Your Life. That show is a British institution.You’ve taken it and you’ve revolutionised it  because you now do it as a surprise party from the celebrity’s home.What a brilliantly original idea.Where did you get it from?
Keith
America.
Alan
Great. Erm, Sue, Sue, you were on This Is Your Life recently.
Sue
Yes.
Alan
Erm, was that fun?
Sue
It was interesting.
Alan
Well, we’ll see for ourselves fairly soon, but it certainly sounds like a lot of fun. 
Alan stares at the monitor
Alan
Let’s see, see the clip. See the clip.
Film clip begins; opening music:
‘This Is Your Life’.
Keith
Shhh. She’s coming. Hold your horses; it’s Sue Lewis! Sue enters; partygoers in Sue ’s house cheer.
Keith
Am I right?
Partygoers
You’re not wrong.
Keith
Where’s me book?
Man dressed as a book
Helloooo.
Keith
He’s big, he’s red, he’s a book Keith and man dressed as book — he’s Big Red Booky!
Partygoers cheer.
Keith
Hey up, Sue. (He pulls her violently towards the camera) This — is — your — life!
Music: ‘This IsYour Life ’; ﬁlm clip ends
Applause
Alan
(Laughing) Oh, dear. Sue, Sue, how, how, how was that?
Sue
Well, it was fun. I mean, I felt that 
Alan
Rubbish! Crass! Putrefying cack! Drivel! That’s  what Melvyn Bragg said about your show.Why?
Keith
Because he’s frightened of me. Oh, yeah. I deliver four times as many viewers as him and he knows that if I presented The South Bank Show ~ which I may do, I quite like art — then Melvyn Bragg would be stacking shelves in Tesco’s ﬁrst thing Monday morning. Am I right?
Audience
You’re not wrong.
Alan
You know, he shouldn’t, he shouldn’t criticise it because it’s a British institution. You couldn t get more British. It’s as English as ﬁsh and chips.
Keith
Bangers and mash.
Alan
TheTower of London. Sue, do you want to mention something British?
Sue
Erm, Crufts?
Alan
Um, but you know, I mean — I would, I would, I would dearly love my show to be a British institution.
Keith
Oh well, you’ve got to change your theme tune then. I mean, Abba? Swedish.
Alan
Yeah, yeah.Well, that’s a Swedish institution, isn’t it? You can’t get more Swedish. As Swedish as, er — as Ikea.
Keith
Volvo.
Alan
Sue, do you want to mention something Swedish?
Sue
The vegetable swede.
Alan
Yeah! Oh, yeah!The Swedes, the Swedes, er, the Swedish don’t have a bad life really, when you think about it. I mean, they get up in the morning, have a bowl of swede, erm, hop in the Volvo, whack on a bit of Abba and zip over to Ikea, you know. I mean, I mean, you know, that’s my Sunday.
Er, apart from the swede. Now, Keith. I have, er, Kellogg’s common sense. Er, now Keith.What’s the secret of your success?
Keith
I’m an ordinary bloke.
Alan
Right. Am I an ordinary bloke?
Keith
Dead ordinary.
Alan
Good. Good?
Keith
It’s good. It’s good.
Alan
Right.
Keith
Every Saturday I go to the footie with me kid. I go down the pub with me mates, pint of bitter, game of darts: ﬁrst thing I do when I ﬂy up to Leeds.
Alan
Yeah, I, I, I, I’m the same. I can often be found in Norwich, you know, propping up the bar at the Pheasant Brasserie.
Keith
Sunday lunch. Sunday lunch: roast beef, Yorkshire pud, cup of tea. Magic.
Alan
I’m the same. Down the Harvester, Sunday platter, glass of wine. Cheers.
Keith
We’re ordinary. Ordinary, ordinary, ordinary.
Alan
We’re ordinary, but — ah, now, the big but ~ Keith, you do extraordinary things, because I have a local paper from Keith’s —
Keith
Aye, what’s going on here?
Alan
— Keith’s area here. A local paper, which has a little story here ~
Keith
Oh, no, no, no —
Alan
_ yes _
Keith
— don’t embarrass me —
Alan
— no, come on —
Keith
— no, no, no —
Alan
— a little story about, come on, now, no, no, no —
Keith
— I’m not here to talk about meself, no —
Alan
— shhhh. Now. This now is a story about Keith. Now I can either read it or you. Do you want to tell the story?
Keith
All right, all right. (Holds up his hands in defeat)
Alan
Right. Listen to this.
Keith
The headmaster of the local school where me kid goes, he knocks on me door last week, he says, ‘Keith, er, we’re having a raffle to raise money for a minibus for the kids.Will you host it?’ I said, ‘How much does this minibus cost?’ He says, ‘Eighteen grand.’ I said —
Alan
Hang on, sorry, Keith, just stop you there. I — I’ve just been told that Roger Moore is at Chiswick roundabout. Should be with us — should be with us very soon indeed. Stay tuned. Stay tuned.  Keith. Sorry, carry on.
Keith
He said, ‘Eighteen grand.’ I said, "Ere’s twenty. Buy the kids a minibus and take ’em for a fun day out at AltonTowers.’
Alan
What a nice man.
Keith
You’ve got to put a bit back. And it’s tax deductible.
Alan
Yeah, well. I’m thinking — I’m thinking along the same lines. I’m thinking of, er, Alan Partridge’s Espace for the Elderly.
Keith
Go for it.
Alan
Yeah, I will. Now, Keith, you like surprises. You — by the way, thanks for bringing that paper in. (Hands the paper back to Keith, who looks embarrassed) Thanks for that — and you — well done. And you like surprises. And we have now got a surprise for you, because it’s time once again to go Up Alan’s Sleeve. Earlier on I had a horse up my sleeve and a jump for Sue Lewis.Well, people are asking, Alan, what have you got up your other sleeve?
Well, it’s a child. I’ve got a child up my sleeve. 
Keith
Aye, what’s going on?
Alan 
And, Keith, it’s a child you know very well, because you produced him. He’s here tonight, your very own son, Sam Hunt!
Keith
I don’t believe it.
Applause; Sam enters on steps at back of stage.
Alan
Keith, Keith, Keith.
Keith
All right, Sam?
Alan
All right, Sam. Keith, Sam is, Sam is your only son from your marriage which was dissolved some years ago. Now because — because of access and custody laws you’re only allowed to see him once a fortnight, so you’re not allowed contact with him tonight, but I can speak to him. So you wait here while I go and talk to — Sam Hunt.
Applause; Alan joins Sam.
Alan
Hello.You little terror.
Keith
All right, Sam. It’s Dad!
Alan
Right. Now. I believe, Keith, you’ve got something very special to say to Sam today. It’s a very special day.
Keith
Yeah, looking forward to next weekend, Sam.We’ll have a fun day out.Take you to the footie.
Alan
No, isn’t there something else you want to say to him?
Keith
You see your dad on the telly last week?
Alan
No. Sam, do you want to tell your daddy?
Sam
It’s my birthday.
Alan
It’s your son’s birthday!
Keith
Yes — yes, happy birthday, Sam.
Alan
What have you got for him?
Keith
Give him this, give him this. Quick, give him this.
Keith moves towards Alan and Sam.
Alan
No, Keith, just stay there.You know the law. Alan takes a banknote from Keith and gives it to Sam.
Alan
There you go.Your daddy’s got you — got you ten pounds. Isn’t that nice? But don’t despair, because we’ve got you a present. We’ve got you an Alan Partridge tie and blazer-badge combination pack. There you go.There you go.You take that. And, not only that, we’ve got him an all-expenses-paid trip to Disneyland with your mummy and her partner this weekend.
Keith
Oh, no, no, no. Oh no! No, I’ve got custody this weekend. She knows that.
Alan
No, no, no. It’s been arranged.
Keith
No, I’ve got custody. She knows it.
Alan
Let’s ask Sam. Where are you going this weekend?
Sam
Disneyland.
Alan
Disneyland! Of course you are, you little terror.That is  ladies and gentlemen, Sam Hunt. That way. That way! That way!
Music: ‘Happy Birthday To You’ 
Sam leaves stage and Alan returns to sofa.
Alan
Great. Oh, marvellous, erm. Funny feeling that backﬁred a bit.
Keith
Well, you know, you should have checked it out with me ﬁrst, Al.
Alan
I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were going to forget your only son’s birthday.
Keith
Leave it.
Alan
Oh dear. I think I’ve, I think I’ve blown my chances of being on This Is Your Life.
Keith
Oh no, no, no.We couldn’t have you on the show.
Alan
Keith
We only have celebrities.
Audience hisses.
Alan
Sue, you got any children?
Sue
No, I haven’t.
Alan
I have, yeah. Er, Fernando — he’s at Cambridge. And, er, and Denise.Yes, er, Denise’s birthday is on the 27 May and, er, Fernando’s is on the 6 June, so quite close together. We usually have a big family bash. All the family together. Solid as a rock.
Do, er, do horses have birthdays?
Sue
Yes, they do.
Alan
Do you get them presents?
Sue
Sometimes.
Alan
Really? Even horses? Even, even horses.
Sue
He looks like a lovely boy, Sam.
Keith
Yeah, super lad.
Sue
How old is he?
Keith
Five.
Alan
Six. Six today. Am I right? I’m not wrong.
Keith
You do realise you’re the only person in the country Who still thinks Roger Moore’s gonna turn up.
Alan
He’ll be here.
Keith
Where is he now?
Alan
Chiswick roundabout.
Keith
Chiswick roundabout to TV Centre in ten minutes?
Alan
Yes.
Keith
How’s he getting here? Magic carpet?
Alan
If need be, yes. Ladies and gentlemen, Keith Hunt.
Applause
Alan
(Looking over his shoulder) Now. Could, er — could someone clear that shit away, please? It’s just, I, I, I, I can see it’s in, it’s in my picture. I don’t — you know, people may associate it with me. I don’t want that. Time now for my next guests. If music be the food of love, play on.That’s what William Shakespeare said. I’m not William Shakespeare, but I say pretty much the same thing. If music be the food of love, let’s eat it. Here with, here with her new single, ‘Monday Morning’ — I know the feeling — please welcome Shona McGough.
Shona
(Dressed in ﬂoor-length dress; sings)
Monday morning at a quarter to eight
She gives her husband his cornﬂakes
He mustn’t be late.
She vacuums the carpets
Makes everything clean
(background singers: ‘Everything clean ’)
What would she do without Mr Sheen?
She takes the shotgun
From under the stairs
And stands in the hallway
Screaming her prAAYYERS!
(Shona removes blonde wig and dress to reveal cropped hair, bra top, short skirt and ﬁshnets; starts writhing on microphone stand.)
The gasman comes
To read the meter
He writes down the reading,
Scratching his head.
It’s quarter to four
And now the gasman’s  dead!
Band
(Sing) Blood bath! Blood bath!
Shona
(Sings) The postman arrives
She says, ‘Hello, Ray.’
And smiles politely
As she BLOWS HIM AWAY!
Band
(Sing) Blood bath! Blood bath!
Alan looks dismayed.
Shona
(Sings) She’s stalking the streets,
Her brain’s on ﬁre.
She guns down twenty in Vision Hire.
Band
(Sing) Blood bath! Blood bath!
Shona
(Sings) Her hubby comes home
And he gives her a kiss
She puts the gun in his mouth
And says,
Band
(Sing) ‘SUCK ONTHIS!’
Blood bath! Blood bath!
Shona
(Sings) Blooooood! Bloooood! Bloooood!
Band
(Sing) Blood bath! Blood bath! Blood bath!
Shona
(Sings) AHHHHI-I! (She falls to the ﬂoor)
Suck on this, sucker.
Applause; Alan joins band on stage.
Alan
No, no, no! No. No. No. No. Ladies ~ ladies and gentlemen — ladies and gentlemen, I, I must apologise. I had no idea of the full content of that song. Let me — let me announce this now. If any young people are watching, let me say this: Whilst it may be all well and good for a rock band to sing about such things, murder — whether it be domestic or streetbound genocide — is illegal in this country, right? 
What was that?
Shona
It was a song.
Alan
Well, I mean, I don’t understand.You started off so Well.You whipped the skirt off . Very like Buck’s Fizz, Eurovision, that was good. And then and then, sorry, do you mind standing round here as you were told?
A band member wanders of to sit with Keith and Sue on sofa.
Alan
Please ~ come back. Erm.Well. Shona McGough’s single is in the shops, if you Want to buy that. Annoy your neighbours.
Um, yes, right, sorry, I’ve just been told Roger Moore — Roger Moore is at Chiswick roundabout, so he’s — so he’s, so what’s he still doing there? He shouldn’t be there. 
Rest of the band sit on sofa; Shona sits on Alan ’s chair.
Alan
I’ll ﬁll in now with a couple of minutes’ chat with Shona — Shona McGough. 
Alan joins band, Keith and Sue
Alan
She’s beaten me to it. Oh dear. Erm. I need a, I need a chair unfortunately.
Shona sticks her foot between Alan ’s legs
Alan
Erm, don’t do that. Don’t do that. Don’t do that. Please. Sue. Sue Lewis. Sorry, I need your chair. Come on. Sorry, just sit round there. Sorry.
Sue stands at back of sofa. Alan squeezes himself between Keith and the band members.
A female band member puts her legs across Alan ’s lap.
Alan
Well, if you’ve just tuned in, you’re watching Knowing Me, Knowing You With Alan Partridge. Erm, it’s not quite what we planned. Erm, it’s a bit crazy, but what the heck. I mean, say what you like, but you can’t say it’s not interesting. Please, please don’t say that.
Female band member sticks ﬁnger in Alan ’s ear and wipes it on her arm.
Alan
Erm. Don’t do that. Get ofﬂ Stop it! Please. Erm, ah, this is interesting: a lady drummer. Erm.Very good. Close your eyes, could have been a man.Very good.
Drummer
Thanks a lot.
Female band member
I really fancy you, you know.
Alan
What?
Female band member
I think you’re really sexy.
Alan
Really?!
Female band member
No.
Alan
Erm, Shona, do you want to put those pears back, please?
Shona
No.
Shona eats a pear and throws some pears to other band members.
Alan
I really would rather you didn’t ~ you didn’t mess with those pears. Please. Really, honestly, I really would rather you didn’t — oh, oh, what the heck! Rock and roll! Let’s all have a pear! All right, no, let me ask you this. Right. Question I’ve always wanted to ask a Scottish woman, right: what has a Scotsman got under his kilt?
Shona
His penis.
Alan
Oh, for God’s sake. I know, I know exactly what you’re thinking. You all think, right, that I’m a big square. Let me tell you something. I’ve seen what you — I’ve seen it all before. I’ve inhaled hashish. (Two of the band members put two ﬁngers up behind Alan’s head) I’ve — I’ve worn tall shoes. I had an afro haircut. I went on all-weekend binges in Prestatyn to see Wings, right? I’ll tell you something else: Chris de Burgh, Mike Oldﬁeld, ]ean—Michel Iarre and the Eagles could eat you lot for breakfast. 
(Turns toKeith) You’re quiet.
Keith
Just enjoying the show, mate.
Alan
Erm, let’s — let’s move on to the next section of the show, which is entitled ‘An Audience with Roger Moore’. And to help me with that, I’m going to invite Shona, Sue and Keith — not the band — to join me in the Roger Moore room for an audience with Roger Moore!
Music, Alan, Shona, Sue and Keith move to another set.
Alan
Here we are in the Roger Moore room, er, for an audience with Roger Moore.The idea was basically, erm, that Roger could come in here and sit where, er, Sue’s sitting and just chat about all these things.We’re surrounded by memorabilia from Roger’s glittering career in ﬁlms and television. There’s a little James Bond car there. See, the little man ﬂies out; that’s nice. Erm. There’s a golden gun there.That’s from The Man With the Golden Gun. Erm.There’s a gold, a gold ingot there.That’s from the ﬁlm Gold, in which he co—starred with SusannahYork.  Erm.There’s a Saint annual there. I was going to get Roger to read aloud from that with, er — you know, his lovely warm brown voice.
Keith
(Pointing at the wall) Al, erm, jog me memory. In which of Roger’s ﬁlms does it feature three ducks on the wall?
Alan
Ah.They are not ducks.They are wild geese from — from, from the ﬁlm The Wild Geese, with Roger Moore playing the cigar- chomping mercenary.
Sue
Oh yes.
Alan
Sorry?
Sue
Oh yes.
Alan
Oh yes.Yes. Right. Right, now, this, this was the, er, the show opening.This should have been marvellous.Whoo, there we go: curtains, curtains.
Music; curtains rise to show large photograph of Roger Moore as jarnes Bond.
Alan
Roger Moore! Roger Moore, the quintessential English gentleman.
Keith
Who’s not here.
Alan
Erm, now, I was gonna start, I was gonna start — Roger would have loved this — I was gonna introduce myself by doing this. This is fantastic. Ah-haa, Mr Bond. 
Alan turns round in his chair, stroking a stufed cat.
Alan
I’ve been expecting you.You know, which I had, you know. Would have been fantastic.
Sue
What’s that? (Pointing to an object on the table)
Alan
That’s, that’s a nipple. Now —
Sue
What?
Alan
That’s a nipple. It’s a, it’s a, from The Man With the Golden Gun. It’s a third nipple.The Scaramanga had, had three nipples.That's a gold ﬁnger.
Shona
Sean Connery was Goldﬁnger.
Alan
Well done.That was a trick object.Well done.
Shona
Sean Connery was the better Bond anyway.
Alan
Well, you know, interesting you take that position, you know, the Scottish position. I mean, in the whole, you know, in the whole Roger versus Sean debate that’s been raging for the last twenty years, I, I have to say I’m ﬁrmly in the Roger camp, you know. I believe no one could, sort of, wear a safari suit with the same degree of casuality.
Keith
It’s a complete shambles.You’re putting a brave face on it, but he’s not here.You know, you tell the viewers —
Alan
Sorry, Keith. Keith Hunt —
Keith
— he’s not —
Alan
— let me stop you — let me stop you in your tracks there, Keith Hunt.You can eat your hat now because, ladies and gentlemen, I can conﬁrm Roger Moore is on the show. We’re having him on the show right now —
Keith
Where is he?
Alan
— live, live by telephone link-up from ~ from the car on a mobile phone. Hello, Roger. Hello, Roger.
Roger
Hello, Alan.
Alan
Oh, joy! Oh, Roger Moore. Oh, erm, knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Roger Moore, ah-haa.
Phone crackles.
Alan
Roger? No? All right, listen, I’m gonna cut straight to a key question, Rog, we don’t have much time. Erm, a hypothetical ﬁst ﬁght takes place between SimonTemplar, the Saint, and Roger Moore, James Bond 007.Who wins?
Phone crackles.
Alan
Any thoughts on that, Roger?
Phone crackles.
Alan
Roger? — Roger? — Roger! — ROGER!
Keith
Does the word ‘titanic’ mean anything to you?
Alan
Oh yeah. People go on about titanic, titanic. Let me tell you something about the Titanic. People forget — people forget that on the Titanic’s maiden voyage there were over a thousand miles of uneventful, very pleasurable cruising before it hit the iceberg. Anyway, we had him on the show. He was on the show.
Keith
That doesn’t count. Face it, mate. He’s Roger the Dodger. Am I right? 
Audience
You’re not wrong.
Alan
All right, point taken. Point taken. But, but let’s, no, we can still rescue it. Let’s turn the situation around. Let’s call this section of the show ‘Right to Reply with Alan Partridge’. If you’ve got any criticisms, let me hear them. I can deal with them.
Keith
Criticisms?
Alan
Yeah.
Keith
A horse takes a dump on your show. No manners, but what a critic, you know. You get a horse with a jump on; she won’t jump it.
Sue
No, it wasn’t that I wouldn’t jump it; I really couldn’t do it.
Keith
You, you were right not to, of course ——
Sue
Because it would have been totally dangerous and inappropriate —
Shona
You get a band on. You’ve never heard of us. You slag us off the minute we come on.
Keith
Absolutely right.
Shona
We don’t get any call back.We’re vegetarians — we get ham sandwiches. It’s a shambles.
Keith
You get me own kid on.That is well out of order.
Sue
Yes, yes.
Keith
You just don’t do that.When the Director-General of the BBC —
Alan
(Gestures with his middle ﬁnger) Up yours. Up yours!
Sue
You can’t say that.
Alan
Kiss my arse! And on that bombshell, it’s time for me to say, knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Scotch lady ~ woman — knowing you, the Hunt, and knowing you, Mrs Mouse. And I — I’ve just been told Roger Moore has just checked into Claridges, where he’s ordered room service. Ah-haa!
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’