Knowing Me, Knowing You - TV - episode 2
Scanned and edited by Miguel Wilkins/BBAPBF
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’
Alan
Ah-haa!
Alan does a little run onstage and mimes shooting and reloading a rifle.
Applause
Alan
Welcome.Welcome to — shh ~ welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You with me, Alan Partridge. It’s a chat show, Jim, but not as we know it.
Drum roll
Alan
Well, well, it’s ofﬁcial.This show is a smash-hit sensation. A corking copper-bottomed hit.Those aren’t my words.They are the words of Mike Taylor from TV Quick. Of course, of course there have been one or two dissenting voices.The clever-clog papers ~ Independent, Telegraph, Guardian, Observer, Mail on Sunday - they’ve been a bit sniffy. 
One review in particular caught my eye: Philip Parsons in The Times called this show  'moribund’. Well, I looked up ‘moribund’ in my dictionary and it said ‘moribund: adjective’ meaning ‘about to die or dying’. I ask you, is this show about to die?
Audience
NO!
Alan
Thank you. So, Mr Philip Parsons from *behind* the times —
Drum roll
Alan
— that proves that you are wrong. The show is very much alive. And live. Because tonight I will be bringing you another TV chat show ﬁrst, as I, Alan Partridge, will allow myself to be strapped to a spinning wheel of death and have knives thrown at me. (Audience: oooooh!) Is that moribund? No.
Audience
No.
Alan
No, you don’t shout that. So — so please welcome my unmoribund merry band, my house band,  Glen Ponder and Debonair!
Applause
Alan
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glen Ponder, ah-haa.
Glen
Ah-haa.
Alan
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Debonair, ah-haa.
Debonair
(In unison) Ah-haa.
Alan
Glen, I understand you’re, you’re looking for a new house at the moment.
Glen
Yeah, that’s right, Alan.
Alan
I bought a house this week in Mayfair for ﬁve hundred pounds.
Glen
Really, Alan?
Alan
Yes, er, I was playing Monopoly.
Drum roll
Alan
Erm. But, er, seriously Glen, you are, you are looking for somewhere, aren’t you?
Glen
Yeah.
Alan
Where, whereabouts are you looking?
Glen
Chiswick area.
Alan
Yeah, Chiswick’s nice. Nice. Glen Ponder and Debonair!
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’ and applause
Alan
Was that chat moribund? I don’t think so. So — now. My ﬁrst guest is intelligent, witty, a woman of the world with a ﬁgure that would stop the trafﬁc dead both ways on the M1 if she were to wiggle across the footbridge atToddington Service Station.
She’s a quality guest from top to bottom and back up again. Please welcome the new agony aunt from Playboy magazine — stay tuned for the very lovely Daniella Forest!
Music: ‘Gimme, Gimme, Gimme’
Alan
Ah. Isn’t she, isn’t she, isn’t she lovely? Eh? Yes. Phuit—phew. Isn’t she lovely? Ah. Erm, erm, I nearly forgot — knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Daniella Forest, ah-haa.
Daniella
Ah-haa.
Alan
Oooh. Oooh.Well, that’s the sexiest ‘aha’ I think I’ve ever had. Oh, actually I just forgot, erm - I normally kiss my guests when they ﬁrst come on. It’s just a thing I do. Erm, not the men. I give them a ﬁrm handshake, but, erm, can we do that — just do the kiss quickly?
Daniella
Oh, sure.Where do you want to kiss me, Alan? Peachy cheek or little round mouth?
Alan
Little round mouth.
Daniella
Come on then.
Alan
Right.
Daniella
You’ve got to kneel down.
Alan
Yes.
Daniella
Right down.
Alan and Daniella kiss.
Alan
Mmm.
Daniella
Pop back on your seat. Good boy.
Alan
Yes, yes. Erm — right — erm, now. Dan-Daniella Forest, you are Playboy's agony aunt, and you’ve also just published your autobiography.
Daniella
Luck Be a Lady.
Alan
Luck Be a Lady. There it is. That’s the book.There we go. It’s, er, it’s your autobiography. It’s published by Jones - never heard of them. Erm, what, what comes across very strongly is your understanding of male psychology.
Daniella
Well, I think I understand men because I adore them.
Alan
Mmmm. (Laughs) And what as a woman do you look for in a man?
Daniella
Power is attractive.
Alan
Mmm.
Daniella
Sensitivity.
Alan
Mmm.
Daniella
Sense of humour.
Alan smiles.
Daniella
I like a man who knows who he is.
Alan
I’m Alan Partridge, carry on.
Daniella
You know, I think the most important thing that I look for in a man is a ﬁt young body like a Greek god.
Alan
(Looking disappointed) Right. Erm, now you also help people with their sexual problems.
Daniella
(Whispering) I do.
Alan
Let me give you a hypothetical problem. Erm ~ there’s, there’s a couple, right? They’ve been married ﬁfteen, sixteen years, maybe more. And they’ve never slept, neither of them have ever slept with anyone else.Well, she, she has. She’s — on, on one occasion she — she, um, said it was a mistake. It was her PE teacher at the local primary school. Erm, let’s say. He, on the other hand, has been faithful. Solid as a rock, right? He’s been tempted. Believe me, he’s had offers, but — but he, he’s never strayed.
Daniella
And he’s frustrated?
Alan
Yes, deeply, deeply. But that’s, that’s only part of the problem.The real problem is that their sex life is — well, for want of a better word — moribund.
Daniella
People need to explore their sex lives if they’re not working, you know. If it’s not working in the bedroom, bring it into the living room, or the kitchen. 
Alan
Yeah, well, they tried that but the dog just wandered in. It was very off-putting.
Daniella
You see, some people, they ﬁnd it very sexy to be watched.
Alan
Not by their dog, I mean ~ Montgomery was frightened. He was just barking.
Daniella
Who’s Montgomery?
Alan
(Looking confused) (Pause) The man who masterminded the Battle of El Alamein. And the name of this hypothetical dog.
Daniella
Have you got a dog, Alan?
Alan
Yes.
Daniella
And what’s his name?
Alan
(Pause) Rommel.
Daniella
Well, perhaps you should get Rommel involved in your sex life.
Alan
No, no, he’s, he’s too old. He’s blind in one eye; he can’t control his bladder.
Daniella
No, no.You’re taking me too literally. Once again, here is a man shying away from discussing sex. When I was a man I used to have the same problem, but as a woman I ﬁnd that I am liberated.
Alan
Well, I’m very pleased for you. Now — hang on a minute. What, who, who was a man?
Daniella
When I was a man.
Alan
(Laughs) What are you talking about?
Daniella
Well, you have read my book?
Alan
Yeah, yes. No, no, I never read the books. Who was a man?
Daniella
Who did you think Daniel was — in the photographs?
Alan
I, I thought that was your twin brother.
Daniella
I was Daniel. I used to be a man. I can’t believe you didn’t know.
Alan
I kissed you!
Daniella
Why did you invite me on your show?
Alan
I thought you were sexy. I don’t now.You’re a bloke. I’ve a good mind to knock your block off.
Daniella
I’m a woman. I have breasts.
Alan
Oh, God.You should be in a circus.
Daniella
Well, you’d be in the front row.
Daniella walks of
Alan
Yeah, there she goes.There he goes, I should say.
Daniella walks back on.
Alan
What do you want? What A no, no, no! No!
Daniella forces Alan to kiss her.
Daniella
Ah-haa!
Daniella leaves the stage.
Alan
On your way. I knew there was something dodgy about you.Your hands are a giveaway.You’ve got great big ﬂapping hands like a bloke.You could be a goalkeeper. Glen, did you know it was a man?
Glen
Yeah.
Alan
Debonair, did you know it was a man?
Debonair
(In unison) Yeah.
Alan
Yeah, yeah, everyone knew apart from old muggins Partridge. Ladies and gentlemen, Dan Forest. Dan ‘the man’ Forest.
Applause
Alan
It’s, er, it’s time now for a new regular feature of the series called ‘Knowing Me, Alan Partridge, Knowing You, Another Alan Partridge’ in which I meet an ordinary member of the public who shares my name and is therefore entitled to membership of that exclusive club, Club Alan Partridge.
This week’s other Alan Partridge works on a Sealink ferry. So, please welcome Petty Ofﬁcer Alan Partridge!
Music and applause; Petty Officer Alan Partridge joins Alan.
Alan
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Petty Ofﬁcer Partridge, ah-haa.
Petty Ofﬁcer Partridge
Ah—haa.
Alan
Now, Alan, you work on the Sealink ferry from Liverpool to Dublin and, er — on, on ~ I imagine that that’s the kind of job where there’s an awful lot of camaraderie between the, er, between the — is that, is that the case? (Laughs) What do you — What do you keep doing that with your face for?
Petty Oﬂicer Partridge
Oh, it’s a tic. I’ve got a facial tic.
Alan
I’m sorry. I had absolutely no idea.
Petty Officer Partridge
No. No, it’s all right, Alan. I’ve had it since I was a kid, yeah.
Alan
Yeah, right, OK. Errn, ﬁne, erm, now, Alan, Alan Partridge, I imagine your workmates tease you and josh with you, is that the case?
Petty Oﬁicer Partridge
Yeah, yeah.They call me tick~tock.
Alan
Why’s that?
Petty Officer Partridge
Because of me tic.
Alan
No! God, no, no! I mean, do they tease you because your name’s Alan Partridge?
Petty Ofﬁcer Partridge
Oh no, no.
Alan
Right. I don’t want to dwell on the tic. It doesn’t bother me.What you choose to do with your face is, is, is your choice. Erm, it’s ﬁne, I like it, it suits you. It’s good. There it is again. Erm, right, OK, erm, well, I want to present you with this now. It’s the Alan Partridge tie and bla— oh, that was a big one (tic) ~ Alan Partridge tie and blazer- badge combination pack. There, there we go. You, you take that there.
Petty Oﬁicer Partridge
Thank you.
Alan
All right.
Petty Ofﬁcer Partridge
Er, ay, I’ll put the tie on if I can keep my head still, ay?
Alan
(Laughs exaggeratedly) What a marvellous sense of humour. What a — what a, a, a triumph for the human spirit. Ladies and gentlemen — Alan Partridge! Marvellous, yeah. Go on, go, go, go. Right, right.
Petty Oﬂicer Partridge goes to walk of;
applause.
Petty Officer Partridge
(At the stage edge) Any chance of an aut ~
Alan
Yeah, go, go! Last night I met a man who quite literally changed my life. He made me think, laugh and cry in wonderment. I, along with many others, witnessed his mystical powers last night at the London Palladium. Please welcome magician-hypnotist Tony Le Mesmer!
Applause; Tony Le Mesmer enters stage in a cloud ofdry ice.
Voiceover
Ladies and gentlemen, enter the mysterious domain of Tony Le Mesrner. Behold the cage of Katmandu. 
Tony passes a silk handkerchief through the cage to his assistant at other side while moving his arms around theatrically.
Voiceover
The void of solitude.The dance of Diabolus.
Tony dances.
Voiceover
The shroud.
Tony and two assistants cover cage with black cloth.
Voiceover
The horses turn upon their axes.
Tony and assistants rotate cage on its wheels.
Voiceover
The summoning of the spirits of Telamachus.
Assistants pull back black cloth to reveal Tina, scantily clad, inside cage,“ Tony releases Tina;
applause.
Alan
Marvellous. Marvellous.Tony, how did you do that?
Tony
Simple, Alan: the power of the paranormal.
Alan
Right. It’s not a lever or anything?
Tony
No.
Alan
Well, you tell us more about that now. Tina, I’ll see you later for the wheel of death, erm, off you go.
Tina leaves the stage. Alan looks her up and down and watches her leave.
Alan
Very nice. Now that is a woman. OK, Tony. Tony Le Mesmer!
Music and applause
Alan
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Tony Le Mesmer, ah—haa.
Tony
Ah-haa.
Alan
Buddha.The Dalai Lama. Nostradamus. That man the Beatles went to see.Yu-Yuri Geller and now Tony Le Mesmer. What is it about you lot that sets you apart from mere mortal men like me, Alan Partridge?
Tony
We are all shaman on a spiritual quest, and we travel on this journey using the energy of the life force.
Alan
Right, now, this, this life force can take many forms presumably, be it transcendental meditation, bending spoons or producing a lady in a cage.
Tony
That’s exactly right, Alan.What, what we all do, we are all channellers.We channel energy from within to without.
Alan
Right, now, I’m gonna try and pin you down here. Can, can you be more speciﬁc?
Tony
I’m a man who harnesses the harmony that is within us all.
Alan
Mmm, now that’s, that’s more vague. I want you to be more speciﬁc.
Tony
Let me put it like this, Alan.We have within us a consciousness, which is only partially realized. I want us to realize it fully to exploit all the hidden recesses that are within us.
Alan
( Looking confused) Right, now — I think, I think I know what you mean. Are you saying that if I, Alan Partridge, were to harness the harmony or spirits within me, and therefore — and, and then the beings around me, and somehow channel that energy up, up some tubular conduit of — consciousness into — a cloud? Of— I’m sorry, I’ve absolutely no idea what I’m talking about. I’m, I’m really lost. 
Now,now, last night at the London Palladium, erm, you did a fantastic show. The highlight for me was when you hypnotized twenty people and got them to simulate sex to ‘Heigh-I-Io Silver Lining’. It — it was great.
Tony
That’s really an example of how I get people to realize their inner potential, Alan.
Alan
Yeah, there was a marvellous bit where you had two men in their underpants barking like dogs. Glorious.
Tony
It’s their subconscious desire that is coming to the fore.That, that’s why I’m interested in the whole world of dreams.
Alan
Ah, right, now, now you’re being interesting because — because, because I, I often have a, I have a recurring dream in which I am an owl.
Tony
Erm, when you are an owl, how do you feel different?
Alan
Smaller. More agile. Able to ﬂy.
Tony
Able to ﬂy. Well, perhaps that means you want more freedom. And what else can you do as an owl?
Alan
Now, I can rotate my head 360 degrees, which, you know, is a real boon when you’re driving because it eliminates the blind spot.
Tony
OK, OK, anything else you can do as an owl?
Alan
Yes. I can emit pellets.
Tony
I can’t help you there. Sorry, Alan.
Alan
No? No? Oh well. If, er, if anyone can shed some light on that, why I, Alan Partridge, might want to emit pellets as an owl, drop us a line to the usual address and, er, don’t forget to mark your envelope with the word ‘pellets’. We’re gonna have a bit of fun now, because, er,Tony, you are going to hypnotise me.
Tony
That’s right, Alan, yes.
Alan
OK, well, this may take, er, it may take a few minutes, so don’t worry if it —
Tony
Five, four —
Alan
~ takes some time ~
Tony
— three, two, one. Ladies and gentlemen, Alan Partridge is now totally hypnotised. Totally in my control. Is that not so, Alan?
Alan
Yes.
Tony
Let’s just put that to the test, shall we? Alan, when I say the word ‘owl’, I want you to be that owl you mentioned a moment ago, emitting a pellet and feeling very happy with yourself. Owl.
Alan
Whoo. Alan grimaces twice, then smiles.
Alan
Whoo.
Tony
Excellent. Now, now, whenever you hear the word ‘ah-haa’ I want you to be a little scary monster. Ah-haa.
Alan
Grrr.
Tony
Very good. Stop. Now, Alan, if you could make love to any woman in the world, apart from your good lady wife, who would that be?
Alan
Ursula Andress.
Tony
Ursula Andress. OK, when I click my ﬁngers I want you to see me as Ursula Andress.
Tony clicks his ﬁngers.
Alan
Ursula, I’ve always wanted to meet you. I can’t believe it’s you. I like the bikini: very nice. I love all your ﬁlms. I’ve got all of them, from Dr No right through to all the others.
Tony
Enough of this, Alan. Is there somewhere we can go where we can make mad passionate love?
Alan
Oh good. Erm, er, yes, the Moathouse Hotel in High Wycombe. Erm, erm, they, they know me there. They’re very discreet. Erm, you’ll love it: it’s got a twenty-four-hour carvery.
Tony
Stop. Alan, when I click my ﬁngers again we will be in your car on the way to High Wycombe.
Alan
It’ll take about ﬁfteen, twenty minutes, that’s all.
Tony
Can we just pull over now and make love in a lay-by? Please, Alan.
Alan
Look, I, I, I can’t stop on the motorway. That’s the hard shoulder: it’s illegal.
Tony
But Alan, I’m, I’m begging you — please.
Alan
Ursula, it’s an offence to stop on the hard shoulder unless there’s a malfunction with the car.
Tony
Look, Alan, I’m taking my top off — please.
Alan
Look, no — if I get caught in ﬂagrante whilst violating the Highway Code, my wife will ﬁnd out, I’ll get three points on my licence, my insurance premium could go up by 30 per cent.That’s not going to happen. Now put your top on and get out! Yeah, go, go! Get out!
Tony
Wake up.
Alan
Well, as I say, it’ll take a few seconds before I’m totally, totally hypno —
Tony
It’s all over, Alan.
Alan
You’ve, you’ve hypnotised me?
Tony
Yes. All ﬁnished.
Alan
Well, I hope you didn’t make me look too foolish.
Tony
No. Of course I didn’t, Alan.
Alan
Well, um,Tony, we’ll see you later for the wheel of death. It simply remains for me to say, thank you very much,Tony Le Mesmer!
Applause - Tony Le Mesmer leaves the stage.
Alan
Now. Hollywood is much, much more than nine big letters on a hill. It’s — it’s a sexy, dangerous place, a hustling, wheeling-dealing kind of town where money talks and nonsense walks. I’ve never been there, but my next guests have, because they are a British married couple of actors who live and work in Tinseltown Stateside. I want to get to know them, I do,I do,I do,I do, I do, I do. Please welcome Gary Barker and Tanya Beaumont!
Applause and music: ‘I do, I do, I do, I do, I do’
Alan
Ah. Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you,Tanya Beaumont, ah—haa. Grrr.
Tanya
Ah-haa.
Alan
Grrr. And knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Gary Barker, ah-haa. Grrr.
Gary
(Stares at Alan for a couple of seconds)
Ah-haa.
Alan
Grrr. Now unusually, you requested to come on to my show, erm, and fortunately the scheduled guest, Ian McShane,TV’s Lovejoy, erm, had to pull out at the last minute due to an emergency. He’s had to ﬂy to Spain to do a coffee advert. Now ~ you’ve asked to come on to make a public statement.This is your platform. Please be my guests.
Tanya
Well, erm, as you know, Alan, there’s been a lot of speculation in the press about the state of our marriage. (She takes Gary's hand)
Alan
Well, I know, I mean I’ve had that kind of bad treatment in the press myself. Do you know Philip Parsons on The Times? He, he described the show as moribund.You know, I mean, and Philip Parsons, if you’re watching, in ﬁve minutes’ time I will be strapped to a wheel of death and you will have a plate with some words on it and a knife and fork. Sorry,Tanya.
Tanya
Well, we just wanted really to —
Alan
Well, what I’m trying to say is you’re gonna eat your Words. Sorry. Sorry, Tanya.
Tanya
We really just want to say to the tabloid press, look, you know, We’re very much married. Erm, there’s a lot of real news out there.There’s poverty; there’s homelessness. Please, you know, report that. Leave us alone.We’re just ordinary people who happen to make movies.
Alan
Lovely, lovely. Erm, Gary, do you want to add anything?
Gary
No, erm, yeah.
Alan
Look, are you all right? No, I’m just wondering, I’m just wondering about the, er, the glasses.You’ve not got a stye or anything?
Gary
No.
Alan
Erm,Tanya. Now, sorry, is he wearing those to look cool?
Tanya
Yes, he is.
Alan
I see. Right. Er, Gary, like the glasses — very cool.Where’d you get them?
Gary
Auction.They were James Dean’s shades. He died in them.
Alan
Really? They look quite small. No wonder he lost control of the car. No? No. Now — you’ve both just ﬂown in from Hollywood. What’s it like to be back in good old London?
Tanya
Oh, it’s, it’s such a relief to be back here amongst ordinary people, you know.
Alan
Where are you staying?
Tanya
The Savoy.
Alan
Marvellous.Who’s, er, who’s paying?
Gary
You are.
Alan
Really? We — (to crew) is that true? Are we paying? Yes ~ yes, we are.Well, enjoy yourselves. just go easy on the room service. Chicken in a basket — that’s your lot. No, no, seriously, have a drink, have a drink. Just don’t go mad, that’s all. Some people - they empty the minibar into a carrier bag: that’s not on. I tell you something: we had Roger Moore on the show the other week and, between you and me, if it wasn’t nailed to the ﬂoor it was going back to Switzerland. He even took a towel, you know. Roger Moore is a towel thief.
Tanya
He’s my godfather.
Alan
Really? He’s a lovely man, a lovely man. Erm, Gary — now, but he is a towel thief. Gary, erm, you, you are known as the wild man of Hollywood. Some of the wild things you’ve done — I’ve got some here — now, Gary, believe it or not, he sawed the head off Warren Beatty’s Oscar. (laughs) Marvellous. He drove a Harley Davidson motorcycle into BruceWillis’s er, patio doors. Erm, what else have you done?
Gary
Punched Jessica Tandy.
Alan .
Yeah, that was nasty. That was nasty. Now — it says here, it says here you also threw Whoopi Goldberg’s copper kettle at a cat.
Gary
No, no. Other way round.
Alan
What, you threw a cat at Whoopi Goldberg’s copper kettle?
Gary
No, no. I threw a copper kettle at Whoopi Goldberg’s cat.
Alan
That’s what I said.
Gary
No, you said I threw Whoopi Goldberg’s copper kettle at a cat — I didn’t. I threw a copper kettle at Whoopi Goldberg’s cat. It wasn’t Wh0opi Goldberg’s copper kettle.
Alan
(Looking worried) Right. It was Whoopi Goldberg’s cat. So whose copper kettle was it?
Gary
Jessica Tandy’s.
Alan
Was this before or after you punched her?
Gary
About the same time.The incidents were related.
Alan
Oh. Oh, dear. Erm,Tanya, has he ever thrown a copper kettle at you?
Tanya
No, no. It’s one of the few things he’s never thrown at me.
Alan
Really?
Tanya
Joke.
Alan
Right.Tanya’s breasts ~ now, sorry, that’s just my notes. Sorry. Now, you’re one of those great actresses who, if the role demands it, you’re quite prepared to expose yourself.
Tanya
Well, I’m glad you value my acting so highly.
Alan
I do.Your name attached to a ﬁlm is a seal of quality. It’s a guarantee that says, come along, see the ﬁlm, lads, you won’t go home empty—handed, so to speak.
Tanya
I really think that my ﬁlms are more than just titillation.
Alan
Mmm. I can only suggest that, er, if you wish to go and seeTanya’s unexpurgated adult breast show, that, er, that you pop down to the local cinema or, erm, or marry her.
Gary
That’s no guarantee.
Tanya
Grow up.
Gary
I am grown up.
Tanya
Well, act it.You’re an actor, I believe.
Alan
Good point actually,Tanya. Erm, Gary, we were going to show a clip from one of your ﬁlms, but the last ﬁlm you did was an action ﬁlm three years ago that starred Bill Segar. And I’ve never heard of him.
4' KNOWING ME, KNOWING YOU
Gary
Well, I’ve never heard of you.
Alan
I’m Alan Partridge. Let’s, let’s talk about what you did before you went into acting — that’s easier. Erm  Gary, Tanya tipped us off about this. I believe you used to be a mobile ofﬁce equipment maintenance engineer.
Gary
Brieﬂy.
Tanya
Well, three years.
Gary
Yeah, got the sack.
Alan
No, you’re lying.You were awarded Mobile Ofﬁce Equipment Maintenance Engineer of the Month.Well done! Now I’ve, I’ve actually got a broken photocopier at my ofﬁce in Norwich. Erm, do you think you could ﬁx that?
Gary
You think I’m gonna go to Norwich to mend your photocopier?
Alan
There’s no need because Mohammed - Mohammed has, Mohammed has moved the mountain to you. It’s not literally a mountain — it’s a photocopier — although, coincidentally it was driven here in a white Bedford Astramax by a man called Mohammed. Ladies and gentlemen, please bring on the broken photocopier!
Applause
Alan
Gary, Gary, we’ve got the photocopier.Will you rise to Alan’s challenge and mend it?
Gary
No.
Tanya
Just do it.
Gary
I don’t want to do it.
Tanya
Don’t make a scene.
Alan
Do you want him to mend the photocopier?
Audience
Yes!
Tanya
It’s more embarrassing not to do it.
Alan
Come on, I don’t believe you can mend it.
Gary
’Course I can mend it.
Alan
I don’t believe you.
Gary
What model is it?
Alan
Z — Z60.
Gary
Mono- or multi-feed?
Alan
Mono-feed.
Gary
Easy.
Alan
Prove it.
Gary gets up and walks towards the photocopier.
Applause
Gary
It hasn’t been reset after a paper jam. Basic.
Alan
Really?
Gary
Yeah. That’s interesting — see this?
Alan
Yeah.
Gary
Where do you put your paper clips?
Alan
Just normally just around on the table or whatever.
Gary
Yeah.They get lost. Stick ’em there.
Alan
Right. How will they stay, how will they stay?
Gary
How will they stay?
Alan
Yeah.
Gary
Magnetic.
Alan
Well, that’s interesting.
Gary
Yeah. Nice little feature.Worth knowing. Yes, good machine this.There you go — should have no trouble. I don’t do that shit any more. (Walks off)
Alan
Oh look, he’s mended it! Whoa! What a dude!
Applause
Alan
Well, Gary, Gary, not to worry. I’m gonna put the smile back on your face because I’m gonna present you with an Alan Partridge tie and blazer-badge combination pack. There we go.
Applause
Alan
Tanya, domestic tip: when you’re stitching that on, it’s got an adhesive behind it, so in actual fact you can simply, er, iron it on.
Tanya
Wonderful.
Alan
And then do the stitching later if you want.
Tanya
Labour-saving.
Alan
It’s labour—saving.
Gary sets ﬁre to the tie with his lighter.
Alan
What are you doing? What are you doing? For God’s sake!
Alan grabs the tie, removes some ﬂowers from a vase and dunks the tie in the water.
Gary
It just burst into ﬂames.
Alan
What did you do that for?
Gary
Spontaneous combustion.
Alan
You’ve ruined it.
Gary
Sorry.
Alan
How much did those glasses cost?
Gary
Fifteen thousand dollars.You touch them, I’ll break your legs.
Tanya grabs Gary ’s glasses and twists them into a ball.
Gary
What are you doing? You stupid bitch!
Tanya
I’m stupid? I’m stupid? You’re sitting there with a spider on your head and I’m stupid? I mean, what a pathetic thing to do. Setting ﬁre
Gary
These are my James Dean —
Tanya
I don’t give a toss.
Gary
These are James Dean’s glasses.
Tanya
I don’t care —
Alan
You’re Watching Knowing Me, Knowing Me with Alan Partridge —
Tanya
— you’re supposed to be a Hollywood wild man.Why don’t you just go out and make some ﬁlms?
Gary
What’s your problem?
Alan
— Live chat as it happens.
Tanya
Make a bit of money. That might be quite good.Then you’d be able to afford another pair.
Gary
Why don’t you lighten up?
Tanya
I’ve got a problem!
Gary I
Yeah, you’ve got a problem.
Tanya
Shall I tell people what your problem is?
Gary
No. No, don’t —
Tanya
Shall I tell people what your problem is?
Gary
— don’t, don’t —
Tanya
Shall I tell them?
Gary
— don’t, don’t, don’t.
Tanya
Shall I tell them? Do you know what Gary’s problem is?
Alan
No — please tell me.
Tanya
Well, Gary’s problem is that he’s impotent.
Alan
What?
Tanya
Gary’s impotent.
Alan
Is this true, Gary?
Gary says nothing.
Alan
I’ll take that as a yes. Tanya, that explains why you sleep around.That explains why you’re known as the bike of Beverly Hills. I think this is quite a serious matter. Let’s change the tone and handle this in a rather more sensitive way. Let’s lower the lights. 
Lights are lowered.
Alan
I think, really, it’s time that we ended this farcical facade of a marriage, Which I presume is unconsummated —Tanya?
Tanya
Yes.
Alan
And Gary?
Gary
Yeah, obviously.
Alan
Yes, yes, of course, yes. Um, the marriage has now been rent in twain. It has been put asunder. It is moribund so, as regards the Alan Partridge tie and blazer-badge combination pack which you destroyed, don’t worry about that. Um, we’ve got dozens of them. If you wish I’ll send another one by ﬁrst post to you. Would you like that? As a memento of this evening?
Gary
Yeah. That’d be nice.
Alan
Well, I think this has been a painful experience for all of us, and it simply remains for me to say, knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Tanya and Gary, ah-haa. Grrr.
Applause
Alan
Well, well, the wheel, the wheel has turned full circle forTanya and Gary, but the wheels that turn this crazy and often unpredictable vehicle — my vehicle, my, my show — they, they keep turning, which brings me neatly on to the ﬁnal section of the show, which has to happen, nothing can stop that, as I rise to meet my own challenge: (he stands) Alan Partridge on the wheel of death.Will you please welcome back with his wheel of death, magic man Tony Le Mesmer and Tina!
Applause
Tony
Ladies and gentlemen, every evening as part of my show at the Palladium, which runs until the end of this month, I get a member of the audience up on to the stage and I ask them to overcome their fears on the wheel of death.Tonight Alan will be that person. How do you feel, Alan?
Alan
(Strapped to a vertical wheel) Conﬁdent. I am risking my life for chat — oh, by the way, Philip Parsons, if you’re watching get a knife and fork and a plate, put your words on that plate, add a bit of humble pie and eat it. Right.
Tony
Commence spinning the wheel of death.
Voiceover
As the wheel of death commences its inexorable spin,Tony Le Mesmer prepares to unleash the deadly daggers of Damizon.
Alan
Er, I’ve changed my mind. I’ve changed, I’m sorry, I’ve changed my mind.
Tony
Drum roll!
Alan
Please. Sorry ~ can you — we’ll do it next week. There isn’t time.We’ll do it next week! 
Tony begins to throw the daggers one by one.
Alan
God! Please! Please!This is madness! Don’t!You stupid man! Please! God! No! All right, Philip Parsons, you’re right — the show is moribund! Oh! Please!
Applause
Alan
(Still spinning) I’ve done it! I’ve done it! I’ve done it! On that bombshell it’s time for me to say, knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, freak woman-man, knowing you, the slut actress and Mr Floppy the actor, and knowing you, Mr Loony-man with the knives. Good night and ah-haa!
Grrr.
Applause
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’
Alan
( In background) Get me off. Please. Get me off now, please. Can someone get me off the wheel? I’ve done it. Can we get a —Naomi, Naomi. Get me off. Is Naomi there? Tell her to get me off. It’s over now — They’re wet. My trousers are wet!