Knowing Me, Knowing You - TV - episode 3
Scanned and edited by Miguel Wilkins/BBAPBF

Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’
Alan
Ah-haa!
Alan does a little run onstage and mimes throwing a hand grenade.
Applause
Alan
Ha ha. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You, with me, Alan Partridge. Tonight I am a rocket. Prepare to board Sputnik Partridge and enter the stratosphere — or should I say, the chatosphere.
Drum roll
Alan
Tonight’s show is (ﬂicks his ﬁnger and holds it up) tssss-hot. How hot, Alan? Well, imagine Debbie Harry in cami-knickers, spoon-feeding a beef vindaloo to Pan’s People in a sauna in Bangkok.That’s half as hot as tonight’s show — because among tonight’s spicy guests, I’ve got the hottest, sexiest dance act in northern Europe: Hot Pants. And, for the ﬁrst time ever on an English-speaking chat show, a jacuzzi.
Applause
Alan
I’ll be, er, I’ll be getting in that later. It’s plumbed in. It’s thermostatically controlled and it’s set on hot. But, er, ﬁrst, ﬁrst an apology.
Alan clears throat and reads from letter.
Alan
In last week’s show I accused actor Roger Moore of being a towel thief. This allegation was untrue. Roger Moore has at no time stolen a towel, bathmat, ﬂannel, shower curtain, sponge or any other form of hotel bathroom accessory. I, Alan Partridge, apologize unreservedly to Roger Moore for my ill—informed and ignorant comments, and I fully acknowledge that I am guilty of gross professional misconduct.
Alan puts letter into his trouser pocket.
Alan
It’s time now to welcome my resident house band, Glen Ponder and Ferrari!
Music: ‘Knowing Me, KnowingYou ’ and applause
Alan
Knowing, knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glen Ponder. Ah-haa.
Glen
Ah-haa.
Alan
Glen! If this chat show was a train, do you know what kind of train it’d be?
Glen
No, Alan.
Alan
The Chattanooga choo-choo!
Drum roll
Alan
But, er, seriously —
Steam train whistle blows.
Alan
What, what was that whistle noise? What was that?
Glen
Oh yeah, meant to be the train, Alan.
Alan
Right, well, you didn’t do that in rehearsal.
Glen
It was meant to be a surprise.
Alan
Surprise me in rehearsal, Glen. Don’t surprise me on a live television show. A little bit naughty that, shouldn’t do that. A bit naughty. Glen Ponder and Ferrari!
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’
Alan
Ooh, this show is hot. I can really work up a thirst.
Alan drinks from a can of drink, then holds can to face camera.
Alan
Ahhh. Hah. My ﬁrst guest is a singer. She’s forty-one.Twenty-four years ago she was working in a shoe shop in Kansas City. One day a man came in and asked for a pair of size eight, turtle-green platform shoes. As she slipped them on him, she started singing to herself. The man said, ‘I won’t have these shoes — the bridge is too low and I’ve got wide feet.’Those were his actual words. ‘They don’t ﬁt,’ he said, ‘but your beautiful voice ﬁts your face like a slipper. I’m going to make you a star.’
That man was Neil Sedaka. Neil’s not doing so well any more, but she is. She’s the biggest singing sensation in America ~ except for Barbra Steisland and Liza Minnelli — she requires no introduction, but, er, nevertheless, please welcome Gina Langland!
Music: ‘Thank You For the Music ’and applause
Gina walks onstage and gives Alan three kisses on alternate cheeks.
Gina
Hi.
Alan
Ah. Ooh dear. I got an extra kiss for free there. Not, er, not that you usually charge. Now, er, now, Gina, you, you can’t stay long because in forty minutes’ time you’re due on stage at Earls Court for the closing night of your sell-out concert tour.
Gina
Mmm-hmm. It’s been wonderful, Alec, you know, I mean I just had no idea that I had so many fans.
Alan
Well, why did you book Earls Court? It’s massive.
Gina
Well, because it’s just a wonderful venue.
Alan -
Yeah, it is. It is.They do the Ideal Homes Exhibition. I, er, I nearly opened it, er, last year but, er, I was pipped at the post, erm, by Dave LeeTravis — again. Huh.
Gina
Who?
Alan
Who? Yes, exactly, that’s what I said. Yeah. Very good. Now, Gina, it really would be great if you could stay a little bit longer.
Gina
Oh.You know, I’d love to, Alec, I’d really love to stay for the whole show but I just can’t. (Laughs)
Alan
Well, we don’t actually want you to stay for the whole show. We just want you to stay, er, er, a little bit longer, you know. I mean, we have got other guests.We’ve got Hot Pants — they’re on later on. Stay tuned, fellas. (Licks ﬁnger and holds it up) Tssss. We just want you to stay for a little bit longer —please?
Gina
Well, I’d love to, I really would, but I’m late as it is.
Alan
Please?
Gina
I just can’t.
Alan
Please?
Gina
No, I can’t.
Alan
Ple—ease?
Gina
We have four minutes, Alec.
Alan
Right, Alan. Alan. Four minutes, OK. Now, Gina.You’re such, such a busy bee, aren’t you?
Gina laughs.
Alan
Buzzing from ﬂower to ﬂower, collecting cash pollen in, er, in the sacks on the back of your legs. Not, not literally. Not literally. That would be hideous. Urn, no, I mean, I’m think— I mean if you’re a bee. No, what I’m trying to say is, you’re so, do you ever get time to relax? Do you ever get time off?
Gina
Alec, you know it’s funny you should say that because tomorrow I begin a month’s vacation.
Alan
Oh, lovely. Where?
Gina
Barbados.
Alan
I’m, I’m going there at the end of the month.
Gina
Really?
Alan
Yeah. I’m doing an advert for, er, Sprunt. Er, it’s, er, it’s a new, er, tropical fruit drink. From Germany.
Alan picks up the can and holds it so the camera can see the front.
Gina
I thought you weren’t allowed to advertise on the BBC?
Alan
I’m not advertising. I’m not — that’s illegal. I’m not advertising. No, no, no. No, I’m simply saying that I’m doing an advert for Sprunt.The new tangy tropical fruit drink. From Germany. Not advertising.
Gina
And what do you have to do in the ad?
Alan
Er, well, basically I, I’m on a beach and I lie on a hammock, er, sipping Sprunt, and, er, surrounded by half-naked tropical dancers.
Alan and Gina laugh.
Gina
Who are they?
Alan
They’re called Hot Pants.We’ve got them on the show later on.They’re on the show tonight.
Gina
Um, Alec, can I suggest that we —
Alan
Alan.
Gina
— we do the song now?
Alan
No, no! That’s a surprise. No. Um, ﬁrst of all there’s a present I want to give to you right now. This is a new regular section of the show, called ‘Alan’s Big Pocket’. In this section I put my hand into my big pocket and I produce something I think my guest will like. So will you now please bring on Alan’s big pocket!
A large cardboard box is wheeled onstage.
Applause
Alan
Let’s turn out Alan’s big pocket and see what’s in it. (He opens the door and two women with dogs dressed in Victorian clothes step out) It’s two Victorian dogs.
Applause
Alan
This one’s, er, this one’s Sherlock Holmes; this one’s QueenVictoria. Now, er, Gina, when I was on the phone to your manager in Los Angeles he, er, he happened to mention that you love collecting Victorian dogs. I : two Victorian dogs, courtesy of Alan Partridge.
Gina
Victorian dolls.
Alan
What?
Gina
I collect Victorian dolls.
Alan
Not Victorian dogs?
Gina
Well, what are Victorian dogs?
Alan
I’ve no idea.We thought it’d be something like this. Do you, um, do you like dogs?
Gina
Well, er, I have a cat back home.
Alan
Does, does, does it like dogs?
Gina
(Laughing) Not really.
Alan
Right, that’s a bit of a problem because we’ve got two dogs here. Listen, why don’t you take them with you in the car to Earls Court. See if you like them and if you don’t, um, you know, just let them out near the railway line.You know, they’ll, they’ll, they’ll ﬁnd their way back to Battersea and they’ll be warm enough in all this gear. You’re giving them a sporting chance, you know. No?
Gina
(Laughs) No! I, I can’t. I can’t do that.
Alan
All right, OK, we’ll do it. Erm, get rid of the dogs. Ladies and gentlemen, two dogs two dogs.
Applause
Gina
I’m so sorry, Alec, I mean, it was a lovely thought.
Alan
Alan.
Gina
Do you do Alec’s big pocket every week?
Alan
Alan. Alan’s big pocket.
Gina
Like, er, some kind of a catchphrase, I guess, as if people stop you in the street and say, ‘Hey, Alec, you wanna sign my pocket?’
Alan
Are you deaf?
Gina
I’m sorry?
Alan
Yes, people do stop me in the street.Yes, they stop me and ask for my autograph. And do you know whatI do?
Gina
What?
Alan
What I do to save time — you’ll like this » I have this. It’s a stamp with my autograph on it.
Gina laughs.
Alan
Yeah. And basically what I do is I give them, they give me a card, something like this, and I simply take the card and I just stamp my signature on like that.You see? It’s got that there and then I give them that.That’s my name.You read that.
Gina
Right. Alec Partridge. Great.
Alan
Read what it says on the card.
Gina
Alec Partridge.
Alan
No, it says ‘Alan’. Alan Partridge.
Gina
Why?
Alan
Because that’s my name.
Gina
Oh, my God. I’m so sorry.
Alan
It’s OK, it’s OK.
Gina
It’s so embarrassing.
Alan
It’s all right.
Gina
Oh God, you must have thought I was being so rude, Alec.
Alan
ALAN! ALAN! ALAN, ALAN, ALAN, ALAN, ALAN, ALAN, ALAN, ALAN, ALAN, ALAN, ALAN, ALAN, ALAN, ALAN, ALAN! My name is Alan Partridge. That’s who I am — there.
Alan sticks the card with his stamped autograph on his forehead.
Alan
Alan Partridge.There are no excuses. 
Gina
It’s the wrong way up.
Alan
Right.
Alan turns the card and sticks it back on his forehead.
Alan
There.
Gina
Fine.
Alan
Now, before Gina goes, I’d like to ask her one more question: Gina, do you like Abba?
Gina
I love Abba.
Alan
Would you like to do a medley of Abba songs with me, right now?
Gina
(Laughing) I couldn’t possibly.
Alan
Oh, Why not, for goodness’ sake?
Gina
Because, Alan, (starts singing) I’m nothing special, In fact, I’m a bit of a bore
Alan
Ah, you’re not.You’re not boring. But if I tell a joke, you’ve probably heard it before.
Gina
I don’t believe that.
Alan
No, you probably have.
Gina
(Sings) But I have a talent, a wonderful thing. 
Alan
(Sings) ’Cause everyone listens when I start (Sings) Mamma mia! Here I go again. 
Gina (Sings) I have a dream. (Sings) I’m so grateful and proud, Alan
Alan and Gina (Sings) Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after
(Sing) All I want is to sing it out midnight. lou-ou-oud. _
Gina
Alan (Sings) Voulez-vous — (Sings) Take-a-chance-chance-take-a- chance—take-a-take-a-chance-take-a- Ah—haa! chance-chance-take-a-chance-take-a-take- a—chance-take-a-chance-chance-take-a- 
Alan and Gina start to dance.
chance—take-a-take-a-chance—take-a- chance  continues in back round . . .
(Sings) Take it now or leave it.
Gina Alan
(Sings) If you change your mind Ah_haa|I’m the ﬁrst in line ' Honey, I’m still free Gina Take a chance on me. (Sings) Now it’s all we get. If you need me, let me know
Alan
Gonna be around Ah_haa! If you got no place to go And you’re feeling down. 
Gina
Take a chance on me. (Sings) Nothing promised, no regrets.
Alan 
(Gets on one knee) Ba-ba-ba-do. That’s all I ask, honey. 
Gina (Sings) Voulez-vous — (Sings) Take a chance on me.
Alan Ah—haa!
Gina (Sings) Ain’t no big decision.. . . .  (Sings) Chiquitita, you and I know Alan
Alan Ah-haa!
(Sings) Can you see the stars, Fernando? 
Gina (Sings) You know what to do. (Sings) The winner takes it all.
Alan
Ah-haa! 
Gina
(Sings) La question c’est, Voulez vous’
Alan
Ba—ba-ba-dum.
Gina and Alan
(Sing) Voulez-vooooooous You can dance, you can ji-ive,
Alan moves behind Gina and puts a hand under her breast.
Gina and Alan
(Sing) Having the time of your life Ooooh
Alan
(Sings) See that girl
Gina
(Sings) Watch that scene
Alan
(Sings)Digging the —
Gina
(Sings) — dancing queen.
Alan runs his hand down Gina’s body and holds her hand.
Alan
(Sings in a strained, high key) Thank you for the music, The songs you’re singing. Thanks for all the joy you’re bringing, Who could live Without it I ask in all honesty, What would life be? Without a song Or a dance, what are We? So I say
(Alan switches to a lower key)
Thank you for the music For giving it to me.
Gina
(Sings) Waterloo. Knowing me, knowing you
Alan and Gina
(Sing) Ahhh-haaaa!
Alan tries to give Gina a kiss, but she waves and runs off stage.
Applause
Alan
Oh. I have an announcement to make. Last week I had naked sex with the Home Secretary and I want to sell my story. (Laughs) Of course, of course I haven’t. Ha ha ha! But, er, but, if I had, who would I go to?Well, I’d go to my next guest, because he is a high-proﬁle agent and publicist who represents both celebrities and, for want of a better word, harlots. Please, please welcome the man Virginia Bottomley called ‘that little turd’ — Laurence Noels.
Music: ‘Money, Money, Money’
Alan
Laurence ~ you are the man they love  to hate.
Laurence
(Laughs) I prefer to think of myself as the man they hate to love.
Alan
(Laughs) But, er, but you’re not. But you’re not.You are the man they love to hate.
Laurence
Well (laughs) that’s very amusing, Alan, and some of your audience found it amusing too. But there is a positive side to what I do. I often help various celebrities — if I might give you an example?
Alan
Please do.
Laurence
Let’s take the Dimbleby brothers. Supposing Jonathan and David came to me and they said, ‘Laurence, we need help. People think of us as a little bit too serious. A little bit dull.’
Alan
Yeah, I know, I know what you mean.
Laurence
Well, I would rectify that image problem by ensuring that the Dimbleby brothers were seen letting their hair down at a fashionable night-spot, such as Stringfellow’s.
Alan
Right, right.
Laurence
Or, perhaps, sharing an ice cream at Alton Towers.
Alan
Or, or a can of Sprunt.
Laurence
Yes.Yes. Conversely, take a celebrity who is perhaps perceived as being unintelligent, someone like Paul ‘Gazza’ Gascoigne.
Alan
Or Dave Lee Travis.
Laurence
Yes.That’s a better example.
Alan
Yes, it is, isn’t it? Mmm.
Laurence
So if Dave Lee Travis was worried about looking unintelligent, I would ensure that he was seen at the opera, perhaps with a book in his hand.
Alan
Yes, I see. It’s quite clever, yeah.
Laurence
Another scenario that might occur is a celebrity who comes to me and says, ‘Laurence, I am a practising homosexual and I would like to keep this delicate matter private.’
Alan
Very wise.
Laurence
I would then ensure that this homosexual VIP was seen in a heterosexual context.
Alan
Such as?
Laurence
A pub. A fast car. A football match.
Alan
Right.You don’t mean George Best?
Laurence
No, Alan, let me assure you that George is as straight as the passes he used to make to Bobby Charlton.
Alan laughs.
Laurence
Who, by the way, is also not a homosexual. 
Alan
But what if someone comes up to you and says, ‘Laurence, I’ — how can I put it? — ‘I play for both sides. I play, I play for Manchester United (touches one side of his nose) and Manchester City (touches the other side of his nose). I’m Dennis Law.’
Laurence
I, I don’t understand.
Alan
I’m bisexual.
Laurence
You are?
Alan
No, Dennis Law. No, not Dennis Law, no, no, God, no. Erm, sorry, Dennis, er, sorry about that. Er, if you’re watching, erm, let’sgo for a drink sometime. As, as friends. No, actually, actually, no, let’s, let’s not, let’s call it off. I’ll just, I’ll just go home to my wife. 
I must say, I’m, er, I’m looking forward to seeing Hot Pants later, yeah. Ooh yes, stay tuned, fellers. (Licks ﬁnger) Tssss. Now, Laurence, very recently you have been involved in a massive royal scandal, in which you’ve obtained photographs of the royal family taken from hidden cameras and, er, you, you’ve published these in, in a book.
Laurence
This book is in no way scandalous, nor salacious.The book, Her Majesty's Pleasure (Alan holds up the book), is being published purely in the public interest.
Alan
Well, you say that, but (opening the book) there’s photographs — there’s one here: Prince Edward in the bath. Actually, it’s quite interesting this. He’s made himself a, er, a mock beard from the foam suds. Quite suits him.
Laurence
Believe me, Alan, I obtained some photos that were frankly unpublishable.
Alan
And are they in the book?
Laurence
Yes, they are.
Alan
OK. We’ve sat and listened to you present yourself with, er, with great eloquence, but  ladies and gentlemen, Laurence has unwittingly stumbled into a new section of my show called ‘EatYour Own Medicine’. Laurence, for the past four weeks you have been under surveillance from our team of Knowing Me, Knowing You snoopers.This is what we discovered. Show the clip.
Alan
Take a look at this. It’s a disabled parking space. Hello, who’s this parking in it? It’s a big Jaguar containing able-bodied Laurence Noels. It’s quite a nice car that. There you go, you get out of the car, er, look around, little pick of the nose, it’s a good ’un, pop it in the mouth.
Laurence
Is that the best you’ve got, Alan?
Alan
No, that was merely an hors d’oeuvre. Let’s, let’s have a look at the main course. (Another video clip is played) Here you are again, emerging from an anonymous-looking black door. Another treat for Laurence Noels there. I give you this: you certainly keep your nose clean. Erm, but the question is, what’s going on behind the door? (Cut back to the studio) I’ll tell you: dermatology.
Laurence
Oh, come on, Alan, this is pathetic. Ludicrous.
Alan
Is it? Is it as ludicrous as a man with such a grotesque hairy back that he has to visit a dermatologist once every six weeks to have his unsightly and innumerable hairs removed?
Laurence
Alan, this is a non—story. The public are not interested in my back.
Alan
Aren’t they? Let’s ask them.Would you like to know more about Laurence’s hairy back?
Audience
Yes!
Alan
There’s your answer, mate. Bring on my big pocket, right now. Bring it on.
Applause
Alan
Will you please come out of my pocket, Laurence Noels’s dermatologist, Clive Sealey.
Applause. Clive joins Laurence on the sofa.
Alan
(Laughs) Clive — Clive, just how hairy is Laurence’s back?
Clive
It’s very hairy, Alan. I mean, this is the amount of hair you’d ﬁnd on an averagely haired back, yeah? (Clive holds up a plastic bag with small amount of hair in it)
Alan
Right.
Clive
And this — this is the amount collected at the last session with Laurence. (Clive holds up another bag full of hair)
Alan laughs.
Clive
I mean, it’s enough to cover twelve small children.
Alan
This is, er, Knowing Me, Knowingl You with Alan Partridge, smooth as an eel. Except, except in the normal areas. Unlike Dave Lee Travis the hairy cornﬁake. Now, Noels’s back is surely his Achilles heel. How deep are the scars?
Clive
Well, during the sessions he’s, er, he’s told me lots of the names that he was called at school.
Alan
Oh good.What are they?
Clive
Er ...wolf-man, er, monkey-boy, Godzilla, King Kong ...
Alan
Human carpet?
Clive
Yes, yes. Gus the Gorilla.
Alan
Actually, we, in the ofﬁce we had a bit of fun earlier on. Um, we just came up with a list of potential nicknames for Laurence. I’ll go through them very quickly, er, kiwi fruit, er, moth banquet — quite an interesting one — Furball XL5, er, Billy Furry — that’s, that’s Billy Fury with a different pronunciation; that’s mine — er, and of course hairy Krishna. Erm, marvellous. Erm, Laurence, anything to say?
Laurence
You’ll be hearing from my solicitor in the morning.
Alan
Ooh, bit prickly. Or should I say hairy?
(Laughs)
Laurence
I have the same solicitor as Dave LeeTravis.
Alan
Big deal.
Laurence
And Roger Moore.
Alan
Oh God. Laurence Noels and Clive Sealey. 
Applause; Laurence and Clive leave the stage,"
Alan takes a sip from his can of Sprunt.
Alan
Nice can of Sprunt, that. Now. Schnelll Schnellfflehtungl Sieg Heil. Jawohl! Those are just some of the comments shouted at my next guest ... at the I936 Berlin Olympics. Why? Because she won gold medal for Britain in the 4 by 100 metres women’s hurdles relay.
She doesn’t run any more - she’s seventy-eight — but she can still get up and down stairs unassisted and refuses to use the Ronstad chairlift installed by her son-in-law in 1991. Please welcome the Linford Christie of great-grandmothers, Elsie Morgan.
Applause and music: ‘The Winner Takes It All’,-
Elsie enters.
Alan
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Elsie Morgan —
Alan and Elsie
Ah—haa.
Alan
No, you wait till I’ve said it. Ah—haa.
Elsie
Ah—haa.
Alan
That’s right. Elsie, let me start by saying how wonderful it is to at last have someone old on the show. Erm, the 19, the I936 Berlin Olympics.What did it feel like to run past the ﬁnishing line, knowing you’d just beaten the German and won the gold medal for Britain?
Elsie
Thrilling, because we’d stitched up the Krauts.
Alan
Lovely. Lovely. Is it true? Were things better in the olden days?
Elsie
Well, immediately after the war it was absolutely marvellous, because that time we really had completely stitched up the Krauts. But then after that it — everything got very much worse and there was a lot of immigration and, er, and inevitably crime went up.
Alan
Ri-right. Erm, but there must, there must, there must have been some positive things?
Elsie
I’ll tell you a little story.
Alan
Please do.
Elsie
I brought my car in last week and, er, parked it on one of those meters, you know. I went into Debenhams very quickly, I came out very quickly again, and there was an awful man writing me a parking ticket.
Alan
Oh dear.
Elsie
I said to him, ‘Now, is it reasonable to give me a parking ticket for two minutes?’ Well, after a while he saw sense and admitted that it was a bit silly and he let me off.
Alan
Good for him. Good for him.
Elsie
Yes, but after I got home, I thought, ‘That man let me break the law. He shouldn’t have done that.’
Alan
No.
Elsie
So I rang his employers and told them what had happened. And, er, later on they rang me back and, er, I was delighted to hear they’d dismissed him.
Alan
Good — good riddance.
Elsie
Particularly as he was black.
Alan
Right, er, right. Er — now — er —
Elsie
They bend the rules, don’t they, Alan?
Alan
— now, tell us about sport.
Elsie
They don’t play by our rules 
Alan
Tell us about sport.
Elsie
— don’t you ﬁnd that?
Alan
Right. Shut up.You can’t say those things on television. Not any more.
Elsie
Well, why not? They’re all ~
Alan
Shut it! Sorry. Now — now, Elsie, erm, I’ve got, I’ve got a surprise for — because it’s time once again to dip into Alan’s big pocket. Stay there, stay there —
Applause
Alan
And, er, it’s a pocket full of emotion because tonight we reunite Britain’s hurdling golden girls of 1936. They haven’t seen each other for over ﬁfty years. Sadly, er, Lindsay Farrow, who ran the second leg, is no longer with us. But the other two are. Will you please come out of my big pocket —AnnWiley and Georgina Clarke!
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’
and applause
Alan
Please, sit down. Marvellous. Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Ann Wiley.
Elsie, Georgina and Ann talk among themselves.
Alan
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you,
Georgina Clarke.
Elsie, Georgina and Ann continue to talk among themselves.
Alan
Hello? Hello? Hello! Thank you. Erm, now you’re obviously, er, all feeling very emotional. If you feel the need to weep, please do, do so — you are women. Erm, no tears? No? I’ve got to say I was kind of banking on it. Erm, it’s all right. Can I just remind you you haven’t seen each other for over ﬁfty years?
Elsie
Oh, no, no.We saw one another six months ago.
Alan
Where?
Ann
Sky Television.
Georgina
Yes, it was a programme that reunited people, called Nostalgia — with Dave LeeTravis.
Alan
I don’t believe it. He’s done it again. Did you cry on his show?
Elsie, Georgina and Ann
Oh, yes, buckets, didn’t we?
Alan
Oh, great.
Elsie
Even David cried.
Alan
He? Oh, I don’t believe it.The hairy cornﬂake shed a tear. Doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter. Let’s talk about the race. 1936. In those days how did you cope with the pressure?
Ann
Well, I, I used to sing in the dressing-room.
Georgina
Oh yes, ‘We’ll Gather Lilacs’.
Alan
Probably a forgotten memory now.
Ann
Oh, no. (Sings) We’ll gather lilacs in the spring again, And walk together down an English lane, When you come home once more and in the evening, in the twilight glow, I’ll hold you close and never let you go.
Alan
Marvellous.
Elsie, Anna and Georgina
(Sing) We’ll gather —
Alan
No.
Elsie, Anna and Georgina
(Sing) — in the spring
Alan
Oh God. All right.Yeah.All right.
Elsie, Anna and Georgina
(Sing) — again, and walk together down an English —
Alan
(Starts clapping) Marvellous, marvellous, give them a round of applause. Marvellous. Lovely, lovely. That was lovely. Well  at, at this stage of the show, some of my viewers may be thinking, ‘Alan, you’re a liar!You promised that this show would be hot and now you’re chatting to three senior citizens.’ But, if I said I am now going to jump into aTardis, go back in time and recreate the Berlin Olympics with these three old women, you would say, ‘Alan, that is hot.We were wrong earlier.’ Well, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. 
Ladies, will you now please join me in my one-sixth scale Berlin Olympic stadium.
Music
Alan
You join us live at the Berlin Olympics on Grandstand in 1936 on this pleasant summer’s morning in Nazi Germany. Everyone’s here: Hitler’s in his box; Jesse Owens’ just waved at him — he doesn’t like that. And we wait for the race to start. Erm,sorry, I’m just gonna, I’m gonna ﬁre a gun. It’s quite loud. Don’t let it worry you, right, OK? On your marks, get set —
Gun ﬁres.
Alan
She’s off! (Ann begins to walk slowly round the mini track) Like a bullet. AnnWiley. Fast as a bullet from a Luger courses ahead. Coming up to the ﬁrst hurdle — she’s cleared it! She’s cleared it, landing like a tomcat, and off again  off again, round the bend, and puts the baton over to Lindsay Farrow ~ sadly no longer with us; she  she’s represented by a cardboard cutout. It’s a, it’s a clean pass. 
Let’s see what you’re made of, Georgie girl! Put some egg on Hitler’s face. Just kick that, love. Kick that over. Georgina kicks the hurdle over. 
Alan
Oh dear! The hurdle has fallen. It’s all down to Elsie. Elsie Morgan. Can she do it? And she has. She’s won the gold!
Applause and cheers _
Alan
Ladies and gentlemen, the golden hurdlers of ’36.
Fanfare; Elsie, Georgina and Ann wave.
Cut to Alan poking his face out of a small door in Alan ’s big pocket.
Alan
Hi. I'm in Alan’s Big Pocket. Why? Because I’m getting undressed.The reason I’m taking my clothes off is because Hot Pants are about to come on and raise the roof off TV Centre with their lovely legs.Then they’re going to join me in the jacuzzi.
Er, Glen, have you seen them before?
Glen
No, but Pm looking forward to seeing them. (Licks ﬁnger) Tssssl
Alan
Glen, that is my noise. Get your own sound. Move the pocket!
Stage-hands wheel the big pocket offstage,-
Alan is sitting naked in the jacuzzi.
Alan
Yes, I am in a jacuzzi, sipping Sprunt. It’s, er, it’s almost as if I’m in an advert, but of course I’m not. I’m not in an advert. It simply remains for me to thank my guests and welcome on the four gorgeous ﬁgures that ﬁll -- ﬂicks ﬁnger) tsssss! Hot Pants!
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’. 
Four male dancers dressed as policemen rim on stage and strip to the music. Dressed in G-strings with Sprunt written across the front, they join Alan in the jacuzzi; two handcuff themselves to Alan
Alan
Ahh! They’re men! They’re men! And on that bombshell, on that bombshell, goodnight, ah-haa! Sprunt! Sprunt!