Knowing Me, Knowing You - TV - episode 4
Scanned and edited by Miguel Wilkins/BBAPBF

Shots of various traditional Paris scenes.
Alan
(Voiceover) Paris: city of French people; home of Quasimodo, Louis XIV, Hercule Poirot and Sasha Distell; city of lovers, of artists, of the croissant, the cappuccino; city of moonlight, of dreams, of men in long coats meeting in brasseries at dawn; and the setting for the fourth show in the ﬁrst series of Knowing Me, Knowing You With Alan Partridge.
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’
Alan
Ah-haa!
Applause
Alan does a little run on to the stage and mimes pumping a machine gun.
Alan
Bonjour. Bonjour, bienvenu, tout le monde. Why am I speaking in French?Well, it’s because tonight’s show is coming live from Paris.
Audience cheer.
Alan
What, what was once a pipe dream is now the ChannelTunnel: a big pipe. But tonight we’re building a new construction, one that isn’t vulnerable to a major terrorist attack. That’s because it’s a castle. A castle of chat, or a chateau.
Drum roll
Alan
Or, or, since we’re in Paris, a chatisserie.
Drum roll
Alan
Now, when we were planning this I was asked if I would like a French co-host to help me present the show. I said, ‘No! No way. Nil point. Absoluternent non. ’Then they showed me her photograph  and I said, ‘Oui. I’m happy to have this woman as my co—host, subject to certain contractual stipulations.’ How can I describe her? Well, if I were mad Baron Frankenpartridge with a cellar full of pickled corpses, then I would take the clever head of Melvyn Bragg, stitch it to the torso of Edith Piaf, add some legs er, I’m sorry, I think this is getting quite unpleasant. 
Erm, I’ll just, I’ll just bring her on. Please welcome my co-host, a delightful French madame — although she doesn’t run a whorehouse, but, er, but she does have excellent organizational skills — here she is, France’s answer to a younger Sue Lawley, NinaVanyey!
Music: ‘Nina, Pretty Ballerina ’
Nina enters stage.
Alan
You, you won’t ﬁnd these at your local B & Q. (Points to chairs) They’re, er, they’re French. Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Nina Vanyey, ah-haa.
Nina
Ah-haa.
Alan
I thought you were going to say ‘oh-hoh’ then, but, er, but you didn’t. Now, Nina, let me start by saying that I’rn delighted to have you as my co-host.
Nina
And I’m also delighted to have you as my co-host.
Alan
Er, no, no. Er, you’re my co-host; I’m the host. Now, Nina, none of my, none of my British friends will forgive me if I didn’t say, ‘We love the Channel Tunnel, but for goodness’ sake, don’t send us any of your rabid dogs!’
Nina
No, we won’t, Alan. As long as you don’t send us any of your mad cows.
Alan
Well, I think, I think you’ll ﬁnd that our cows went mad because they were bitten by your dogs.
Nina
It’s an interesting theory, if a little xenophobic.
Alan
No French.
Nina
Xenophobic’s an English word. It means ‘small-minded fear of other nations’.
Alan
It’s time to meet our, our house band for this evening.They came over yesterday on the Hovercat.
Nina
Please welcome Glen Ponder and 
Alan
(Speaks over Nina) Glen Ponder and Savoir Faire!
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’
Alan
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glen Ponder, ah-haa.
Glen
Ah-haa.
Nina
And knowing me, NinaVanyey, knowing you, Glen Ponder, ah-haa.
Glen
Ah—haa.
Alan
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Savoir Faire, ah-haa.
Savoir Faire
(In unison) Ah-haa.
Nina
And knowing me, Nina Vanyey, knowing you, Savoir Faire, ah—haa.
Savoir Faire
(In unison) Ah-haa.
Alan
Glen, erm, I was, I was taking a walk in Paris this morning and I saw a madman throw himself in the river.
Glen
Really, Alan?
Alan
Yes. He was quite literally insane. In the Seine.
Drum roll
Alan
Seriously, Glen, er, seriously, are you looking forward to, er, the high-kicking ladies at La Folie Bergére tonight?
Glen
No, no, no, that Was last night. Uh, we ~ the plan was changed.
Alan
What?
Glen
I thought you knew. We — we left a message 
Alan
Well, I didn’t get one. And I, I, I was in my hotel room all night. I, I ended up watching, er, er, The Poseidon Adventure on TV. It was dubbed in French.There was no message.
Glen
Well, I left one.
Alan
Glen Ponder and — you deﬁnitely left a message?
Glen
Yes.
Alan
OK. Glen Ponder and Savoir Faire.
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’
Alan
Delia Smith, Keith Floyd, Fanny Craddock and Mr Kipling are all famous international chefs. So is our ﬁrst guest — my ﬁrst guest.
Nina
He’s the most controversial chef in Paris — passionate about food, not so passionate about the celebrities who dine in his restaurant. Recently he poured rice pudding over Bryan Ferry’s head.
Alan
And slapped Jeremy Irons. He’s wry, he’s spry, he’s crisp and dry, please welcome superchef Philippe Lambert.
Music: ‘Voulez- Vouz ’; Philippe enters stage;
Philippe kisses Nina on both cheeks, kisses Alan on one cheek, tries to kiss Alan on the other cheek but Alan shies away.
Alan
Well, er, you certainly smell like a Frenchman. I mean, I mean your aftershave, it’s very nice, very nice, it’s a very nice smell.Was it, is it, what, Aramis?
Philippe
No, Alan, it’s cologne.
Alan
Mmm. It’s good. Good smell.
Philippe
Thank you. What’s yours?
Alan
Er, Slazenger Sport. It’s the, er, it’s the stick type. I don’t use the roll-on ’cause it, er, traps your hairs. Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Philippe Lambert, ah-haa.
Philippe
Ah-haa.
Alan
Now, Philippe, you have very, very kindly arranged some delicacies here for us to pick at throughout the show. Erm, now, I have to say, this, this is a whole different world to the universe of Hula Hoops, Cheesy Wotsits and Monster Munch.Tell, tell us a bit about them.
Philippe
It’s what I call my grande selection 
Alan
(to the audience) Big selection.
Philippe
It’s, er, a selection of hors d'ouevres
Alan
(to the audience) Starters.
Philippe
— that you might ﬁnd in my restaurant. I think appetisers or ~
Alan
(to the audience) Starters, same thing.
Nina
Philippe, these are superb. Let’s talk about your restaurant.
Alan
Good, yeah. Good.
Nina
What’s your fundamental approach to cuisine?
Philippe
Well, actually, Nina, I don’t have an approach; I have a reproach, you know. I’m very bored by the whole restaurant industry. To me it seems little more than a big fat pig endlessly regurgitating and consuming that which — (Alan takes a bite from several hors d'ouevres, throwing each back on the plate with a look of disgust.) — that which it eats, er, without discrimination — without taste — without joy.You know, I, I’m not interested what Egon Ronay thinks.You know, my Michelin stars, I send them back.
Nina laughs.
Alan
(Eating a vol au vent) You send them back? You just peel the sticker off the window and send it back?
Philippe
No, no, no, no, Alan.
Alan
No, I know, it is quite difﬁcult, but it can be done. Erm, if you soak a sponge in soapy warm water and just hold it against the sticker, leave it for half an hour, come back, it will just peel away. Bob’s your uncle, you’ve got your Michelin stars off the window.
Philippe
Thank you, Alan. I’ll remember that.
Alan
Warm soapy water.
Philippe
Thank you.
Alan
It’s got, it’s got to be warm.
Nina
Philippe, the other — the other interesting  thing about your restaurant, of course, is that it has no name.
Philippe
Yes, that’s right. It’s, er, if you like, er, an irony that, er, although it is called the restaurant with no name, people refer to it as The Restaurant With No Name.
Nina laughs.
Alan
(Speaks with mouthful of food) Like Clint Eastwood.
Philippe
What?
Alan chews, pointing at his mouth.
Alan
Sorry. (Keeps chewing) I was just saying — it’s like Clint Eastwood.
Philippe
What is like Clint Eastwood?
Alan
The spaghetti westerns — he was known as the, he was known as the man with no name.
Nina
And that’s an irony that I think Jacques Derrida would appreciate.
Philippe
Oh, certainly, and, er, Jacques Derrida regularly dines at my restaurant and, indeed, regularly appreciates the irony.
Nina and Philippe laugh.
Alan
Who’s, who’s he?
Philippe
Jacques Derrida, the philosopher.
Alan
I’ve never heard of him.
Nina
Jacques Derrida, the most famous philosopher in the world.
Alan
Well, I wouldn’t say that.
Philippe
Well, Alan, er, would you care to name a more famous philosopher?
Alan
Yeah. All the, er, all the Greek ones, yeah.
Philippe
Yes, but one who is alive? Who is the most famous philosopher, Alan?
Alan
Peter Ustinov?
Philippe
Yes, yes, absolutely right.Yes, I’d forgotten about that.
Alan
Thank you.
Philippe
Well, I’m lost.Your next question please, Confucius.
Alan
I’m not confused. All right, here’s a good question. Now, you are known as the top chef in your ﬁeld. You’ve only got one restaurant. Berni Inn has thousands. Jealous?
Philippe
I don’t know. Who is, who is Berni Inn?
Alan
You’ve never heard of Berni Inn? He’s the most famous steakhouse proprietor in the whole world.
Philippe
Well, I’m sorry, Alan, er, maybe Peter Ustinov should get together with Berni Inn and, er, open a steakhouse, you know. Have a steak, talk about philosophy.
Alan
Yeah, that’s a good idea. They could call it, er, Pete and Berni’s Philosophical Steakhouse. Good idea.
Nina
Actually, Philippe, what you were saying earlier about your restaurant having no name, I was thinking that another ﬁgure would have been amused by that. He is of course, er, Rene Magritte.
Alan
No French.
Philippe
He was Belgian.
Alan
Same thing.
Alan starts to eat another hors d ’oeuvre.
Philippe
You like that one, Alan?
Alan
Mmmm. Quite nice. It’s quite chewy.
What is it?
Philippe
It’s beef.
Alan
What sort of beef?
Philippe
Bull.
Alan
What — what, what part of a bull?
Philippe
It’s a gland.
Alan stops chewing.
Alan
How — how many glands ~ how many of these glands does it have?
Philippe
Two.
Alan spits the hors d’oeuvre into napkin.
Nina
Ladies and gentlemen, Philippe Lambert.
(to Alan) Are you all right?
Applause
Alan
It’s time once again for ‘Knowing Me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Another Alan Partridge’, a regular feature of the series where I meet a person who shares my name, Alan Partridge.This week we had to ﬁnd a French Alan Partridge.That has proved impossible, but the French for ‘partridge’ is ‘perdris’. So we scoured the countryside for an Alain Perdris.We found one. He’s a lorry driver from Marseilles, he’s visited England twice on various deliveries — I’ve not got the details — but he’s here tonight, please welcome Alain Perdris, French for ‘Alan Partridge’.
Applause and music; Alan walks to back of stage to greet Alain Perdris.
Alan
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Alain Perdris, another Alan Partridge, ah-haa.
Silence
Alan
Now in, in honour of the fact that you share my name, I’m very pleased to present you with an Alan Partridge tie and blazer-badge combination pack.
Applause
Alan
Well done.Well done. They shake hands.
Alain Perdris
Er, c’est quoi?
Alan
What?
Alain Perdris
C ’est quoi?
Alan
Oh. Er — C’est un tie — tie, tie (Alan gestures doing up a tie) , et un blazer, un badge pour un blazer.You st-stitch that on. No, don’t take that out — please? And they come together in a boite — a box — in a combination pack.
Alain Perdris
C ’est pourquis?
Alan
Oh. Because it just does. Erm, now — don’t know why I explained that. Erm, now, also to celebrate the new spirit of cooperation between our two nations, I have had a special painting commissioned by a Norwich—based artist. Erm, for, er, for my French viewers, Norwich is the Provence of Great Britain. Erm, it’s the best of British, the best of France, it’s a bulldog with frogs’ legs.
Alan gives painting to Alain Perdris; applause.
Alain Perdris
Je ne comprend pas.
Alan
I don’t understand.Why can’t you just take it and go? Allez. Alan Perdris. Alain Perdris!
Alain Perdris.
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’and applause; Alain Perdris leaves.
Alan
Don’t like these chairs. By the way, if you’re wondering where my normal furniture is, it’s in Nimes. Why? I don’t know. Ask the French hauliers.
Philippe
Alan, er, are you growing a moustache?
Alan
No.
Philippe
Really?
Alan
No.Yes, yes, yes, I am.Yes, I’m growing a moustache. Is that a beard? Hmm? ’Cause I can’t tell whether it’s a beard or you just haven’t shaved, you see. At least I’m honest. At least I’m admitting that I’m trying to grow a moustache.
Philippe
(Laughing) All right, all right. Don’t get at me. Wasn’t my fault you ate a testicle.
Alan
Er, if you remember, I spat it out.
Philippe
Ah yes, but there was another one.
Alan
No, all, no, all I had earlier was some spinach and a vol au vent ~ It was in the vol au vent, yeah. Very, very clever. And now. , .
Nina
No, that’s me.
Alan
Yes, sorry.
Nina
And now it’s time for some light relief.
Alan
If I were to say, ‘Clown time is over’, I’d be lying because it’s time now to send in the clowns, and I’m sure we won’t be seeing the tears of a clown, because I’m told they’re hilarious. I haven’t seen them myself . ..
Nina
Please welcome this year’s winner of the Pompidou Prix de joie, Cirque des Clouns.
Alan
Circus of Clowns.
Alan squeezes car klaxon and laughs.
Male clown pretends to smoke a cigarette, turns and notices female mime artist. Female clown pretends to unzip clothes; indicates that her nipples are erect.
Female clown
Bing!
Male clown pretends to screw something on to his groin, revs it up and charges round the stage, making engine noises. Clowns stand facing each other. Female clown touches her groin. 
Female clown
Bing!
Male clown simulates giving female clown oral sex. Second male clown enters stage and pulls ﬁrst clown away, gets on his knees and holds female clown ’s hands. Female clown pretends to stick knife in second male clown ’s eye. Male clown pretends to cut second male clown ’s throat. Female clown and male clown pretend to remove second male clown ’s penis using a chainsaw.
Alan
Oh, no! No!
Male clown pretends to swing penis round his head and throws it into audience. Male and female clown pretend to piss and crap on second male clown. Male clown pretends to wipe his bottom on tissue and stuffs it into second clown ’s mouth.
Alan stands up and walks towards clowns.
Alan
No, no, no, no, no 
Male and female clown simulate sex. 
Alan tries to part clowns, but gets trapped between them.
Alan
 no, no, no! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
Alan breaks free.
Alan
Cirque des Clouns! Cirque des Clouns!
Applause; clowns applaud audience and bow.
Alan
Grow up! Grow up.
Clowns
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
Alan
Sh! Thank you. Cirque des Clouns, yes —
Clowns
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
Alan
Cirque des — 
Clowns 
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
Alan
Right, now, listen, listen. Right, right, hang on. (Turns to face male clown ) I presume you’re in charge. Let me tell you something, right? There’s a security guard back stage called Steve, right? Now, I promise you, if you make another sound when you leave this area he will hurt you. He will hurt you physically. Cirque des Clouns.
Clowns make farting noise, wave hands about and wrinkle noses in disgust.
Alan
Cirque des Clouns. Sorry, I — I haven’t broken wind. I — I haven’t broken wind. That’s them.
Clowns fall to the floor, pretending to be suffocated.
Alan
Cirque des Clouns will be doing a tour of art centres in Britain. I’m sure there’ll be plenty of tickets available.You’re a disgrace
Cirque des Clouns.
Applause. Alan walks back to sofa. Male clown follows behind without attracting Alan ’s attention.
Alan
Sanity.
Alan sits down on male clown ’s lap and jumps up.
Alan
What are you doing there? What are you doing? Get out!Why is he still here? Can we — can someone, can someone remove this clown, please? Where’s Steve? Is he? He’s back stage. No, he’ll get him after. He’ll get him after.
Alan tries to sit down twice, but clown follows his movements.
Alan
I’ll do it standing up. I hope my next guest doesn’t suffer from —
Alan tries to sit down quickly, but clown grabs him.
Alan
I’ll do it here. I’ll do it here. I’ll do it here. I hope my next guest doesn’t suffer from vertigo, because she’s at the height of her profession.
Drum roll
Alan
She’s a top international fashion designer who hails from Lancashire. 
Male clown disappears; reappears standing betweenAlan and camera.
Alan
Let me just — let me just say — let me just say, you look stupid, you look stupid, not me. Right, I’ll do it, I’ll do it on three. I’ll do it on three.
Alan turns to face camera three.
Alan
She’s a top international fashion designer from Lancashire in the north of England. 
Clown pretends to crack egg 0nAlan’s head.
Alan
Right, no, I’m sorry, I can’t, sorry — Nina, can you, can you —
Nina
Yes, Alan?
Alan
Can you get rid of him, please? Sorry about this.
Nina
Alors, mon ami (Nina speaks to clown in French)
Clown
Ah, bon (he replies in French and moves away from Alan)
Nina
Ah, oui, merci.
Alan
There he goes.There he goes.
Applause; clown walks off.
Alan
There he goes.Tail between his legs. Steve, he’s coming out! I hope my next guest doesn’t suffer from vertigo because she’s at the height of her profession.
Drum roll
Alan
Sorry — sorry, what, what did you say to him to get rid of him?
Nina
Oh no, it’s not necessary to translate.
Alan
No, seriously, I want, I want to know.
Nina
No, you don’t need to know —
Alan
No, you know the contract: I command you to tell me.
Nina
Very well, Alan. I told him that you are completely out of your depth with a creative artist of his calibre and that lack of experience makes you unable to cope with a situation in a professional way.
Alan
(Pause) I hope the next guest doesn’t suffer from vertigo because she’s at the height of her profession.
Drum roll
Alan
We don’t need to do it now.
Nina
She arrived yesterday from London on the train because she doesn’t like ﬂying.
Alan
She really does suffer from vertigo.
Nina
And she caught the train fromWaterloo. Please welcome fashion guru Yvonne Boyd.
Alan
Who, who came from Waterloo. (Turns to Nina) Right.Very important 
Music: ‘Waterloo’; Yvonne, wearing an unusual outﬁt and bouffant grey wig, joins Philippe on sofa.
Alan
(Sighs) Knowing me, knowing you, Yvonne Boyd, ah-haa.
Yvonne
Do you want me to say, ‘Ah-haa’?
Alan
Yes, please.
Yvonne
Ah-haa.
Nina
I’m a big fan of your clothes. I must say the outﬁt you’re wearing tonight is wonderful. I really love it.
Alan
Yeah. I didn’t know that as well as doing fashion you also do pantomime.
Yvonne
What do you mean?
Alan
I presume you’re Widow Twankey.
Yvonne
No.
Alan
Are you an Ugly Sister?
Nina
Alan, these are Yvonne’s clothes.
Alan
I’m sorry. I, I, I thought you did pantomime.
Yvonne
No, I don’t do pantomime.
Alan
Well, maybe you should, you know, I mean — you’ve got, you’ve got the clothes and, er, and without wanting to be vulgar, the money is very good. It’s very good. In fact, I’ll tell you something, last Christmas I was in two pantomimes. I was in Norwich and Colchester as Mother Goose. And, er, in fact I had to travel from one theatre to the other in my goose suit. It was quite hectic, you know, but, er, believe me at the end of the season I quite literally laid a golden egg. 
It’s worth considering, it’s worth considering. (Points to Nina,Y110nne and Philippe in turn) Peter Pan,Widow Twankey, Buttons.
Nina
Yvonne, can you talk us through the thinking behind this magniﬁcent outﬁt you’re wearing.
Yvonne
Well, it’s a sort of ﬁn de siecle ghost in the machine.
Alan
(Looking at her chest) Is that the distributor cap off a Ford Mondeo?
Yvonne
I’ve absolutely no idea.
Alan
Let’s have a look. ( He gets up and takes a closer look) Yes, yes, it is. Do you drive a Ford Mondeo?
Yvonne
No. I don’t drive. I don’t like cars.
Alan
She doesn’t drive. She doesn’t, she doesn’t ﬂy, doesn’t do pantomime.What do you do?
Yvonne
I design clothes.
Alan
Is that all?
Yvonne
Yes.
Alan
Well, that’s interesting — because whereas you’re a master of one trade, I like to think of myself as an Alan of all trades. And — and I’ve got a bit of a surprise for you, Yvonne, in this, a new regular section of the show called ‘Alan’s Trades’, in which I demonstrate a trade that I am an Alan of.
This week’s — this week’s Alan trade is fashion. Now, now, I’m not Giorgio Armani. I’m Alan Partridge, but — but my name has become associated with a certain look, a look I deﬁne as sports casual. Yvonne —Yvonne, tell me ~ tell me what you think as we look at a Partridge in Paris. A Partridge in Paris. Alan Partridge in Paris.
Film clip — shots of/llan in Paris posing in the outﬁts he is describing.
Alan
The ﬁrst look is what you’d wear to drive to Paris. It’s called cruiser arriviste: canary- yellow shirt, horizon-blue stay-crease action slacks, a cap, Polaroids, tan stringback driving gloves. It’s a look that says, ‘I’m in control of my vehicle.’ 
Who’s this cool customer? Ice-white shoes, ice-white socks with navy-blue double—cadet stripe, a pair of shorts, T-shirt with chevron action ﬂash: l’homme du sport— man of sport.The tossed pink sweater that says, ‘I’m in Paris and nothing’s gonna stop me.’
That’s, that’s the EiffelTower. The classic English gentleman abroad. It’s David Niven. It’s Stewart Granger. It’s Nigel Havers. It’s a green blazer. The look: imperial leisure. Offset the look with those four old reliables: cravat, hat, summer spectacles and, for a touch of class, the Alan Partridge blazer badge. 
A lot of people have asked me about the blazer badge.Well, I’ll describe it in A in the top right — (badge moves our of view) sorry, I’ll do it next week. I’ll do it next week. 
The place: Champs Elysées; the man: Alan Partridge; the look: strolling pastel. A classic summer suit with the omission of long trousers. A Partridge in Paris.
Applause
Alan
(Nibbling on vol au vent) Well, tell me what you think. Shoot from the hip.
Philippe
Alan, you are to the world of fashion what Peter Ustinov is to the world of philosophy.
Nina
Yvonne, is fashion a necessity of culture or a cultural necessity?
Alan
(Sighs) Hang on, hang on. I ~ it appears to be happy hour at Pete and Berni’s Philosophical Steakhouse.
Yvonne
I think you’re rather rude actually, because Nina’s asked a very interesting question. What I think is that fashion is a necessity of culture, because really clothes are just things that cover up our mutual nakedness. I mean, you know, underneath our clothes we’re all of us naked. Even you, Alan.
Alan
No, I’m not.
Yvonne
Yes, of course you are.
Alan
No, I’m not. I’ve got underwear.
Philippe
Yes, but underneath your underwear you are naked.
Alan
No, I’m not.
Philippe
Of course. You have your buttocks.
Alan
Oh yes, here we go. I was ~ I was wondering how long it would take before the show descended into some French hidden buttock agenda.
Nina
Alan, all we are saying is that underneath your clothes, you are naked.
Alan
(Clears throat) No, I’m not. Now ~ now, Yvonne, we’re about to see some clothes from your menswear collection. Now the theme of my collection was sports casual. Now bearing in mind that Pete and Berni’s Philosophical Steakhouse is closed, what’s the theme of your collection?
Yvonne
The futility of mortality.
Alan
Why do I bother? Bring ~ bring on the models. Bring on the models.
Yvonne
Right, well, the ﬁrst model isTor.Tor’s — Tor’s cap and shorts, erm, are made of bandages and his linen jacket has got real surgical stitching on it. Erm, he’s also got a little truss on, which is, erm, a sort of ironic bumbag.
Alan
Is this man injured?
Yvonne
No. The whole collection is based on images of hospitalisation.
Alan
Right. So, so the idea is, you’ve had an operation, you want to look good on the ward — that, that’s what you wear.
Yvonne
No. No, they’re for wearing anywhere. You wear them on the street.
Alan
He’s wearing slippers. Sorry, the only man I know who wears slippers on the street is called Dougie. He wanders round Norwich shopping precinct with a Cornish pastie in his hand, shouting, ‘Get away — it’s a bomb. He’s insane.
Yvonne
Well, maybe he’s sane and we’re all mad. Anyway the next model — erm, the next one is Numan with — Numan’s got, er, a more formal look.
Nina
That’s beautiful,Yvonne.
Yvonne
Thank you. Thank you. Erm, here you see — I’ve broken up the classic lines of the suit with a saline drip attached to an umbrella, and with a pair of brogues, one of which is orthopaedic.
Alan
He looks like he’s been in a car crash.
Yvonne
The ﬁnal model, who’s coming on now, is Matt. Now here I’m playing with ideas of constriction and freedom. So just as the plaster boots here impede, the bandage kilt liberates.
Alan
This waistcoat covered in corn plasters 
Yvonne
Mmmm.
Alan
Are they used?
Nina
Oh, for goodness’ sake.
Yvonne
No, of course not. Don’t be so ludicrous.
Alan
Sorry, I’m, I’m being told I’m ludicrous by Mrs Whippyhead.
Yvonne
(Sighs) Well, that’s the end of my collection.
Nina
Yvonne, it’s a triumph.Thank you!
Yvonne
Thank you.
Applause
Alan
Sorry, er — yeah, yeah, sorry, er, I’m, I’m — I’m, I’m confused. I’ve got to ask a couple of questions. Erm, this, this man here — what’s this round his midriff?
Yvonne
It’s a blood bag.
Alan
What if it bursts?
Yvonne
Well, you mop it up.
Alan
What with? What with?
Yvonne
With the eye patch. It’s not a problem. I mean, what if your nose bleeds, you know? What if your, your — what if your arm bursts?
Alan
What?
Yvonne
What if your arm bursts?
Alan
I’m sorry. I’ve heard of a nosebleed, but er in — in my fourteen years of professional broadcasting, including three years as a hospital radio disc jockey, I have never had anyone come up to me and say, ‘My arm’s just burst. Could you play a dedication?’
Philippe
Oh, come on, Alan.
Nina
Alan —
Yvonne
You just got me on here to ridicule 
Philippe
You’re taking things too literally.
Yvonne
— the clothes.
Alan
No, no, no, no, no. No. I’ll show you. I will show you.You with the orthopaedic shoe. What’s his name?
Yvonne
Numan.
Alan
Numan.You just walk up here and then walk back again, easy as you like. Numan walks towards Alan and back — the orthopaedic shoe makes him limp.
Alan
That man has no dignity.
Nina
But what is dignity?
Alan
Right.That —
Alan walks backwards and forwards.
Alan
— that is dignity. More or less. No one will wear these clothes.They look rubbish. Ordinary people do not like those clothes.
Philippe
I like those clothes.
Nina
I like them too.
Alan
You’re not ordinary. You’re French. Glen, Glen, me old mate, Glen. Those clothes, are they rubbish or what?
Glen
I like them. Quite nice.
Alan
What? You traitor. There stands Judas Ponder. Check in his pockets, you’ll ﬁnd thirty pieces of silver. Except you won’t because he spent them all last night at the Folies Bergere. (Turns to face Nina and Yvonne) What are you two staring at? You look like the Steptoe wives.
Nina
I think you mean the Stepford wives.
Alan
I thought you French were good at chatting. I thought that’s all you did all day, sitting outside your brasseries, sipping your cappuccinos, chomping on onions and going, ‘Oh—he-oh-he-oh.’
Philippe
Oh, come on, Alan, grow up.
Nina
Oh, now you’re just being racist.
Alan
That is not racist. French people chomp on onions and go ‘Oh-he-oh-he-oh’.That’s a fact.Well, we’ve come to the end of the show. Erm, I’ve enjoyed it very much. I like to think that our two nations are perhaps slightly closer together than they were at the beginning of the show. And that can only be a good thing. It simply remains for me to thank my co-host, Nina, thank you.
Nina
It’s been a pleasure.
Alan
Erm, you doing anything interesting tonight?
Nina
No, I don’t think so. Not after last night ~ I’m too exhausted.
Alan
Why? What did you do last night?
Nina
I went to the Folies Bergére.
Alan
That’s a coincidence — that’s where Glen Ponder went.
Yvonne
I was there, too.
Nina
Yvonne.
Philippe
I was there.
Nina
Philippe.
Alan
You were?
Yvonne
My models were there.
Alan
Who else —
Philippe
Glen invited us all. Er, the clowns, they were there and, er —
Alan
The clowns?
Philippe
Yes, your security guard, Steve, he was there. He’s, er —
Alan
I don’t believe it.
Philippe
Yes, he’s good ~ good friends with the clowns, I believe. He was there.
Yvonne
And the band were there as well.
Alan
The band? You! Accordion man — were you there?
Accordion man
Yeah.
Philippe
Everyone except you, Alan.
Alan
Glen, why didn’t you invite me?
Glen
I left a message.
Alan
Right, Glen, I’m going to ask you a question, and I want you to give me an honest and truthful answer. Did you leave a message for me last night?
Glen
No.
Alan
Thank you.
Glen
Quite honestly, Alan, I didn’t think they’d let you in, you know. There was a sign outside there saying, ‘No jeans, no trainers, no sports casual wear’.
Glen, Nina, Yvonne and Philippe laugh.
Philippe
Glen.
Glen
Just a joke.
Alan
Just a joke, eh? Here’s a good joke. Here’s a good joke.You’ll like this one.There’s this bloke called Glen Ponder. He’s playing jazz synthesizer in a Norwich wine bar. In walks Alan Partridge. Alan gives him a big break on national television. Glen’s pleased. Glen gets lippy. Glen gets the sack.
Glen
What, what do you mean?
Alan
You’re sacked.You are sacked. I’rn sacking you. In fact it’s happened. It’s over. It’s already — you are a sacked man.You’ve been sacked.You’re the subject of a sacking. I want you off these premises in ten minutes.
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, sacking you, Glen Ponder. Ah-haa. And on that bombshell, it’s time for me to say, knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Monsieur Testicle, knowing you, pantomime cow, and knowing you, Ms Oh-he-oh—he-oh. Goodnight, arrividerche and ah-haa!
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’.
Alan
(to band) Not you, not you! Not you.
(to accordion man) Just you.
Glen Ponder’s band stop playing; accordion man plays solo.
Applause