Knowing Me, Knowing You - TV - episode 5
Scanned and edited by Miguel Wilkins/BBAPBF

Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing  You ’
Alan
Ah—haa !
Applause.
Alan does a little run onstage and throws some punches and kicks, Karate style.
Welcome. Welcome. Welcome.Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge, or the Alan Partridge Show, as most people like to call it. Erm, it’s easier — that’s what I call it. I’ve got to tell you, there’s so much packed into tonight’s show that at the end of it I’m quite sure I’m going to be shattered. Or should I say chartered.
Drum roll
Alan
You, er, you may remember that at the end of last week’s show I sacked my house band and their leader, Glen Ponder. That’sTV. They had to go. So will you now please welcome my new resident house band, The Eagles! Or rather — no, don’t! Don’t welcome The Eagles because Glen has put a stop to that.This week he obtained a court injunction preventing his dismissal prior to an industrial tribunal to be held at the end of the series. So will you now please welcome not double-platinum-album-selling rock stars The Eagles, but Ipswich-based, hotel-lobby wine-bar band, Glen Ponder and Lazarus! 
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’
Applause
Alan
(Quickly and without enthusiasm )
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glen Ponder, ah-haa.
Glen
(Also without enthusiasm) Ah-haa.
Alan
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you Lazarus, ah-haa.
Lazarus
(In unison) Ah-haa.
Alan
Glen, if this show was a motorcar, what kind of motorcar would it be?
Glen
I’ve no idea.
Alan
Chatty—chatty-bang-bang.
Drum beat
Alan
Glen Ponder and Lazarus.
Music: ‘Knowing Me, KnowingYou ’
Applause
Alan
See you —
Band repeat last line of music.
Alan
See you in court. My ﬁrst guest was born within the sound of Bow Bells. He is a Cockney man. Thirty years ago he crawled out of the maggot-ridden cesspit that is the East End of London to become  to become Britain’s most colourful boxing and entertainments promoter. He spends all day on the dog and bone ~ phone. He’s about to come down these apples and pears — stairs. I’m sure we’re going to have a great bowler hat — chat. So please welcome a very special antique Edwardian tea chest — guest.
That last one was mine. Erm, two years ago  two years ago he was cleared of garrotting a nightclub owner in Leicester Square, please welcome Terry Norton!
Music: ‘What’s the Name of the Game’;
applause;  Terry joins Alan.
Alan
Ah. Nice, nice, nice whistle.Whistle and toot. Duit.
Terry
Flute.
Alan
Sorry?
Terry
Whistle and ﬂute — suit.
Alan
Yeah, yeah, right, whatever. Erm, knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Terry Norton, ah-haa.
Terry
Ah-haa.
Alan
Now,Terry: sport.You have managed boxers, wrestlers, snookers — snookerers, snookerers?
Terry
Snooker players.
Alan
Snooker players. Bowling — crown green and tenpin; that didn’t work, but — but you ﬁrst made your name way back in the seventies with that fabulous champion boxer Billy O’Rourke.
Terry
Billy ‘the Blitz’ O’Rourke.
Alan
Billy the Blitz. Why did they call him ‘the Blitz’?
Terry
Because when he come at you it was like a blitzkrieg.
Alan
You can say that again. Was, was he German?
Terry
No, he’s London Irish. Out of Kilburn.
Alan
But, erm, he, he could take a punch, couldn’t he, ay? Ay? At the end of some ofthose ﬁghts he looked like a bloomin’ cauliﬂower.
Terry
And the other geezer looked like mashed potatoes.
Terry and Alan laugh.
Alan
Mashed potatoes! Oh. Billy ‘the Blitz’ O’Rourke. Sadly, of course, no longer with us.
Terry
Oh, Billy’s still alive.
Alan
Well, technically. Now ... now,Terry, you come from a very humble background. But now you mix with the great and the good. You’re a little Cockney whelk, sitting on a plate of oysters. Do you ever — do you ever, sort of, think to yourself, how did I get here on top of this — plate of ~ oysters?
Terry
Well, well, of course I do, Alan. I mean, it’s a combination of determination, perseverance and a good head for business.
Alan
Of course. And, if I may so, (sings) wiv a little bit, wiv a little bit, wiv a little bit o’ bloomin’ luck. Is that — is that ~ is that fair?
Terry
(Looking annoyed) Yeah, well, you know, if you like, yeah. No, you and me, Alan, we’re the same. No, we’re two working-class boys, no education, no qualiﬁcations, but through sheer determination we have made it to the top of the tree.
Alan
Well, I’ve got to pick you up on a couple of points there. I did go to East Anglia Polytechnic and I’ve got a couple of pretty good A levels.
Terry
Yeah, well, you know what I mean.
Alan
Yeah, I know, and very quickly, as regards working class, erm, my, my, my parents did own their home and we holidayed now and again in Spain. So I don’t think that’s quite right. But, erm, I imagine, er — I imagine you know Spain quite well, what with all your, er, all your connections?
Terry
Yeah, yeah, I’ve got a villa out there. It’s cut into the cliff, overlooking the Med. Blindin’.
Alan
Lovely. Well, you would, wouldn’t you, you know? Just in case.
Terry
Just in case what?
Alan
You know, just in case you need to go on holiday — quickly.
Terry
(Laughs) I think you’re leading me down a dark alley.
Alan
(Laughs) I see — the last place I’d like to be with you is down a dark alley.
Terry
Why’s that?
Alan
Sorry?
Terry
Why’s that?
Alan
I just wouldn’t. Now, Terry, you, you, you’ve promoted boxing, er, snooker, bowling — crown green and tenpin; that didn’t work — but, er, now you’re launching a new promotion, next month.Tell us about that.
Terry
Er, that’s right, yes. I’m, er, I’m bringing back the beauty contest because, er, times may change, fashion whatever, but people will always want to look at lovely ladies. Now that is from the twentieth century right back to the Ancient Greeks.
Alan
Aristotle Onassis.
Terry
Exactly. I mean, whatever the women’s libbers may say ~ Germaine Greer, Esther Rantzen —
Alan
That lot, yeah.
Terry
— you can’t change human nature.
Alan
You can’t, Terry. But I’ll tell you something. I, er, I used to support the women’s libbers. 
Terry
Really?
Alan
When they said, er, ‘Burn your bras.’
Terry and Alan laugh.
Terry
Yeah, well, I’m gettin’ a bit of stick from the — loony left, you know, but, er, who cares?
Alan
Absolutely. You cannot say anything these days,Terry, I tell you. A couple of months ago I was commentating on a football match with the Cameroons. I made a harmless remark about a raindance, right? What, what happens? I get hauled over the coals. Not literally. I imagine that’s the kind of thing the Cameroons do.
Alan laughs.
Terry
Well, that’s right, yeah.
Alan
I’ll probably get in trouble for that now, you know. Please, please, don’t write in saying that’s racist. It’s not.
Terry
It doesn’t matter what they say because next month live on SkyTelevision it’s Miss Great Britain and there’s nufﬁnk can spoil that feast.
Alan
Oh, absolutely. And, and, we’re going to, we’re going to, er, eat some of that feast later, because, er,Terry has very kindly cooked up a, er, tray of lady vol au vents, if you will, which I will be eating — or competing — later in the show. What I mean is that tonight on this programme I will be master of ceremonies for the ﬁnal heat of — and it’s my home town — Miss Norwich!
Applause
Terry
Yeah.
Alan
Now, Terry. Murderer!You killed my son! That was What the mother — of — of the garrotted nightclub owner of Leicester Square said to you as you left court, having been cleared of the murder of her son —her only son — the — garrotted nightclub owner of Leicester Square. Did, did those words hurt?
Terry
Well, of course.Yes, I was in Leicester Square that night, but as was proved in court, I was hailing a cab at the time it happened.
Alan
Absolutely. Well, we’ve now got a reconstruction of that night, using professional actors, some of whom have appeared in The Bill and Minder. Now, Terry. That night in Leicester Square — was it something like this?
Man on stage wearing black balaclava pretends to strangle another man with a chain; man representing Terry faces away from them.
Man representing Terry
Taxi!
Alan
Was that how it was?
Terry
Well, yeah, more or less, yeah.
Alan
Right, because at the time there were some people who said it happened like this.
Man representing Terry pretends to strangle man with a chain.
Man representing Terry
Taxi!
Alan
That’s how it didn’t happen.
Terry
What’s, what’s that?
Alan
That, that was how it didn’t happen.
Terry
No, no. That is a couple of ponces mincing about, talking rubbish.
Alan
Touched a nerve there. Intriguing.
Terry
I could have gone down for this. It was dealt with by the law courts, the matter is ﬁnished, it’s over, it’s dead and buried.
Alan
Rather like the garrotted —
Terry
Now, don’t muck about.You’re getting out yer depth, Alan. People get out their depth, they end up drowning.
Alan
Calm down, it’s just a chat show.
Terry
Do you wanna get involved? Do you wanna get involved in this world? Nightclub owners in Leicester Square who get garrotted? Ammonia in the boat? ’Cause if you wanna get involved, I’ll get you involved, son.You Wanna get sucked in? I’ll suck you in. I’ll suck you in so far you get blown out the other side.Wipe that soppy look off yer gormless face. Do you wanna get sucked in?
Alan
(Looking frightened) I don’t. I don’t want to get sucked in.
Terry
Well, then, you tell these ladies and gentlemen what that was all about.
Alan
That was a couple of ponces mincing about, talking rubbish.
Applause
Terry
Now, are we gonna have a beauty contest or what?
Alan
Beauty contest, please.
Terry
Thank you.
Alan
I’ll — I’ll see you later for that.Thank you for that nice chat. Erm, ladies and gentlemen, Terry Norton ~ an innocent man.
Applause
Alan
It’s — it’s time now for one of the hit bits of my show. Knowing Me, Alan Partridge, Knowing You, Another Alan Partridge, in which I meet another man whose name is Alan Partridge. It really is that simple.
Two weeks ago I received a letter from an Alan Partridge in Preston, Lancashire, who asked to come on to the show. I booked him to appear tonight. One week ago he died. Well, I immediately telephoned his family and told them that I would still honour the booking if they so desired.They kindly agreed, saying, ‘It is what Alan would have wanted.’ So please welcome, with his widow and family, Alan Partridge!
Music: ‘Funeral March ’," applause; cofﬁn brought onstage, followed by another Alan Partridge’s family.
Alan
(In a subdued voice) Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, another Alan Partridge. Rest in peace, ah-haa. Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Mary Partridge, ah-haa.
Mary
Ah-haa.
Alan
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you -— I’m sorry, I’ve forgotten your name.
Liam
Liam.
Alan
Liam. Liam Partridge, son of Alan, ah-haa.
Mary and Liam
Ah-haa.
Alan
No, no, not you. Just you.
Liam
Ah-haa.
Alan
Ah—haa.Tell us, What was he like?
Mary
Well, he liked to drink.
Liam
He didn’t suffer fools gladly.
Mary
Oh no, he’d got quite a temper on ’im.
Alan
Right.
Silence; Alan knocks on coffin lid.
Alan
But, he, he, he, he, he did, he did, he did like this show, didn’t he?
Mary
Oh yes. It was his — what? Second favourite television programme.
Alan
Right. So, so what, what, What was his ﬁrst?
Liam
Baywatch.
Alan
Right. About the beach people?
Mary
He liked the girls.
Alan
Don’t we all. Don’t we all. Er, let’s hope there are girls in heaven, erm, if — if that’s where he’s going, you know. From what you say, it seems a little unclear. But, er, who knows? Perhaps, perhaps there are girls in purgatory or, or, or hell. Erm, but no one leaves this show empty-handed, so I’m very glad — I don’t know know why I’m doing it in that voice — (speaks in a cheerier voice) no one leaves this show empty-handed, so I’m very pleased to present Alan this lovely headstone for Alan’s grave. It’s a granite marble mix in Normandy grey and, er, it’s covered in Duraseal, which means any grafﬁti from vandals can just be wiped clean. Do you like it?
Mary
It’s lovely.
Liam
He was actually born in 1931.
Alan
Right.What, what have, what have we got?
Liam
’32.
Alan
Right. One year out — not bad. I mean, if, if, if it’s a problem, we can, we can regrind it. We can take it away and get it reground.
Liam
Yes, that’d be great.
Alan
Right. Erm, the problem is, I mean, we can do that, it’s just that it will take a couple of weeks and, erm, it’s only one year out.
Liam
He’d like the right date.
Alan
He would like the right date.
Liam
He would like the right date.
Alan
Right.
Mary
He’d got quite a temper.
Alan
Well, he’s hardly likely to display that now, is he? But, er, if — you know, if you want it reground we’ll get it done.
Liam
Thank you. It’s what he would have wanted.
Alan
Well, we’ll do it! It’s not a problem.
Liam
Thank you.
Alan
Thank you.
Mary
Sorry.
Alan
What?
Mary
Sorry.
Alan
Sorry, right.Well, er  ladies and gentlemen, Alan Partridge, his son Liam and his lovely widow, Mary!
Music: ‘Funeral March ’. Coffin wheeled off
Applause
Alan
Well, as we heard, Alan was quite fond of pretty ladies, so it seems entirely appropriate that in his presence we hold now the grand ﬁnal of Miss Norwich. Mary, you’ve agreed with Liam and your uncle Pete (Pete joins them onstage) there, to, er, to stay a little bit longer and judge tonight’s contest.
Liam
Yes.
Alan
So take up your positions, please. Glen, would, er, would you like to judge Miss Norwich?
Glen
I’d love to.
Alan
Well, you can’t. Now — now if you’re watching this at home in your Parker Knoll armchair, hit the recline button, sit back, relax as we go girl-crazy with a bit of harmless fun ~ that’s all it is. Please — please welcome the ﬁnalists for Miss Norwich!
Applause; ﬁrst ﬁnalist enters stage.
Alan
The ﬁrst contestant is Susan Atkinson. She’s twenty years old. Her vital statistics are 34, 24, 33, so she’s slightly bigger at the top. She’s a shop assistant for Saxone Shoes, and she tells me the most popular shoes are plain black lace-ups with six eyes. 
Contestant number two is Donna Cookson.
Applause and whistles; Donna enters stage.
Alan
Donna ~ Donna is twenty. Come on! Keep it down. Donna used to — Donna used to dance in a nightclub, but it was closed clown after a ﬁre. 
Contestant number three is 2 I -year-old Lisa Thornton.
Applause, Lisa enters stage.
Alan
Lisa is a nanny for a professional couple, whom she tells me make adverts and live in a converted barn. Sometimes she has the whole house to herself and she likes to use the CD system to dance around the living room to pop music. She’s the shortest of tonight’s contestants.
Contestant number four is Maria McNulty.
Applause; Maria enters stage.
Alan
Maria is an Irish Roman Catholic. She tells me that before each beauty contest she says a quick prayer. She has a 36-inch bust. Ave Maria! 
And our ﬁnal contestant tonight is Siobhan Glokowski.
Applause; Siobhan enters stage.
Alan
Siobhan works in William Hill bookmakers. So, what are her odds tonight? I’ll tell you. They’re ﬁfty to one — she’s a rank outsider. Siobhan also has a Polish grandmother who doesn’t speak any English. And those are tonight’s ﬁnalists.
Applause — models stand in a line across the stage.
Alan
Well, we’ve looked at their bodies. Now let’s, let’s look at their minds. Erm, Susan Atkinson, you work at Saxone Shoes?
Susan
Yes.
Alan
And I imagine, do you get a lot of competition from Dolcis?
Susan
Mmm, yeah.We do.
Alan
Great. Lovely. Erm, Donna — Donna Cookson.
174
Applause and whistles
Alan
You, er — you certainly, er, seem to have a lot of fans out there. Er, are you enjoying the competition?
Donna
Yes, I am.
Alan
Mmm. And, er, do you watch this show at all?
Donna
No.
Alan
No.That’s all right.That’s OK. No, that’s ﬁne. Lisa Thornton, do you have, er, do you have any hobbies?
Lisa
Yes, I like swimming and dancing.
Alan
Right. Lovely. Very nice.
Lisa
I’ve always wanted to meet you.
Alan
Really? Oh.
Lisa
I like your moustache.
Alan
Really?
Lisa
Yeah. It, like, really suits your face.
Alan
I keep it trimmed with nasal scissors, yes.
Lisa
Oh. Makes you look like Rhett Butler in Gone With the Wind.
Alan
Well, thank you, my dear. I don’t give a damn.
Lisa laughs.
Alan
Of course I do. Of course I give a damn. You’re, you’re lovely. What’s, what’s, what’s your ambition?
Lisa
Well, I’d like to work in television.
Alan
Really? Great, great.Well, we — we should have a chat. After the show. What — you’re all staying at the Holiday Inn?
Lisa
Well, the other girls are, but I’m staying here at home with my mum.
Alan
Right, OK. Right. (Walks over to next contestant. Turns back to Lisa) You could just go back to the hotel for a drink, you know, a quick drink and, you know, we’d get you a taxi home afterwards. I’ll speak to your mum if you want.
Lisa
OK.
Alan
Right.
Lisa
Lovely.
Alan
Yeah, we’ll have a chat afterwards.
Lisa
Thank you.
Alan
Good luck!
Lisa
Thanks.
Alan
Right, OK. Now, do you like animals?
Maria
Yes.
Alan
Do you?
Siobhan
Yes.
Alan
Right, OK. Fair enough. Right, erm — well, we’ve, we’ve done them all, so, while the judges make up their minds I’m afraid you’re just gonna have to listen to Glen Ponder and Lazarus.
Applause; Music: ‘The Winner Takes It All ’.
Alan
(Talking quietly to panel while music plays) Number three has got the best personality, and I think that’s, that’s what matters.
Mary
No.
Alan
Number three?
Mary
No.
Alan
All right, yeah. Number three, because it’s the best personality. Right, now look, it’s a majority decision. Say it’s all three. just leave it at that. Right. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Right.
Alan
(Talking our loud) OK, right, Glen, Glen, Glen — thank you, Glen.
Music stops.
Alan
Well, we — we have a unanimous decision. The winner of this year’s Miss Norwich beauty pageant is contestant number three, Lisa Thornton. Ah-haa!
Applause. Terry puts tiara and sash on Lisa.
Alan
(With his arm around Lisa) Lisa, are you pleased?
Lisa
Oh, yes. (Giggles) Oh. I didn’t think I’d win.
Alan
Why not, for heaven’s sake?
Lisa
Well, I thought number two would win.
Alan
Well, you shouldn’t think that.Well, I think this could be the start of a glittering career in television. I’ll see you later for that chat. Who — who’re you waving to?
Lisa
That’s — that’s my ﬁance, Andy.
Alan
Right. (Taking a step away from Lisa) Hi, Andy. Hi. Erm, well, Miss Norwich, soon to be Mrs Norwich. Don’t wave any more. Well, I said before that if this show was a car, it would be Chatty-chatty-bang-bang. So now —
Drum roll
Alan
So now let’s slip that car into another pig’s ear — gear — a more serious pig’s ear/ gear in a new regular feature of the series in which I tackle the big contemporary political issues of the day in ‘Partridge Over Britain’.
(To Lisa) You can go now.
Applause; music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’;
Alan joins four people sitting at a table.
Alan
Next week the voters of West Chalfont in Buckinghamshire go to the polls for a by-election caused by the death of the sitting Conservative MP, Sir Maurice Christopher, who tragically died last month after choking on scampi. So let’s meet the candidates. Firstly, knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, sitting on my left, and I imagine to the left of the majority of the people in West Chalfont, the Labour Party candidate. She’s a teacher, she’s divorced, she is Charlotte Fraser. Ah-haa.
Charlotte
Ah-haa.
Alan
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, the Liberal Democrat candidate. He’s a practising lawyer, he sits on Chalfont Council’s Education Committee and he’s black. Ronald Biggs. Ah-haa.
Ronald
Ah-haa.
Alan
In the middle, me, Alan Partridge, ah-haa. And, er — and on my right the Conservative Party candidate, Adrian Finch. Adrian and his wife, Rosemary, have been married for fourteen years and together they have three lovely children. Adrian, I believe you’re also a big fan of steam engines.
Adrian
Yes, that’s right, Alan. It’s, er, full steam ahead for the by-election.
Alan
(Laughs) Lovely. Lovely sense of humour. Erm, Adrian Finch.The Partridge meets the Finch. Ah-haa.
Adrian
Ah-haa.
Alan
Lovely. And the ﬁnal candidate, who we had to have on — he’s paid his deposit and that’s democracy — is Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III of the Bald Brummies Against The Big—Footed Conspiracy Party. Ah-haa.
Lt. Col. Slaphead
(Wearing a clown ’s wig, big nose and spectacles and huge bow tie) Bald Brummies!
Whistles from audience member wearing the same outﬁt
Alan
Come on! Please, there’s a time and a place for fun and enjoyment, and it’s not on this show. Right, erm, we’re going to open it up to my studio audience.Throughout the questions I will be remaining impartial at all times. I will remain Pontius Partridge.
So, erm — so any questions for the panel, please? Yes, the woman with the high head.
Audience member
Yeah, I’d, erm, like to ask the panel, in view of the rising crime rate, would they consider the reintroduction of capital punishment?
Alan
Fair point. Charlotte Fraser, Labour.We see these pictures of old women’s faces in the paper. Surely the best way to deal with hooligans is to hang them by the neck until the spinal column is severed, thus starving the body of oxygen. Isn’t that the best, most sensible way to deal with them?
Charlotte
Absolutely not. No, hanging really is brutal and barbaric and the hallmark of an uncivilized society.
Alan
OK. All right.What about lethal injection? Gas chamber, electric chair, you know. We’re spoilt for choice.
Charlotte
That’s not really the point, Alan. Erm, I mean all the indications —
Alan
Firing squad.
Lt. Col. Slaphead
The head slap.
Alan
The head slap. Sorry, sorry, please. Please don’t, erm — please don’t do that Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III.
Charlotte
There’s no evidence to show that capital punishment would reduce the crime statistics.
Alan
Well — it’d reduce it by one, wouldn’t it? Erm ~Adrian Finch. Capital punishment. There ’s a gibbet — will you pull the lever?
Adrian
Well — whether I pull the lever or not is not the question.
Lt. Col. Slaphead
Yes it is.
Adrian
Erm — the, the, the, whole issue — the whole issue of, of capital, capital punishment of, of hanging is, is one which, which must beaddressed, erm, on a moral level by the, the public in general, erm, before we can make any absolute moral decision.
Alan
Good point. Very good point.Very — very good point.You see, er — Charlotte Fraser, it’s not simply yes or no. Ronnie Biggs, it’s not yes or no, is it?
Ronald
Well, yes, it is.
Alan
Good.
Ronald
No, I’m — I’m disagreeing with you —
Alan
Fine.
Ronald
— er, it is a yes-or-no question.
Alan
Right. No one really cares, I mean, I mean, yes, no, maybe.You know, it’s not life or death. ‘
Charlotte
Well, yes, it is.
Alan
Yes, but it’s boring. Right, erm. OK, well, the phone — the phone lines are open.We have a call. Erm, David Silk from Leeds. David, are you, are you there?
David
Yes, I am.
Alan
Are you wearing any silk?
David
No, I’m naked.
Alan
What’s — What’s your question.
David
Erm, which of the candidates would have the bottle to tighten up the laws on immigration?
Alan
Immigration. It’s a political hot potato.
Charlotte Rampling, catch.
Charlotte
Fraser.
Alan
S—sorry, yes.
Charlotte
Erm, yes, immigration is one of those questions that comes up time and time again at meetings like this —
Adrian
(Talking at same time as Charlotte) Yes, I think there’s a reason for that.
Charlotte
And you know it’s interesting ~
Adrian
Sorry.
Charlotte
— because it always seems to be mostly when other social ~
Alan
Sorry. Excuse me! Excuse me. He’s trying to speak.You’re such a rude Woman. Go on. Go ahead.
Adrian
Yes, erm, what, What, what we must do, erm, absolutely is, is put in place a, a system of, erm 
Lt. Col. Slaphead
Head-slapping?
Adrian
No, erm ~ a system of , er —
Lt. Col. Slaphead
Head-slapping?
Adrian
No, please ~ I’m trying to answer the question. Do you mind? Er — a system of —
Lt. Col. Slaphead
Head-slapping?
Adrian
You’re putting — you’re putting me off.
Adrian
System of 
Lt. Col. Slaphead
Head-slapping?
Adrian
System of —
Lt. Col. Slaphead
Head-slapping?
Adrian
System of-
Alan
Ignore him! Ignore him! Erm, the Government, aren’t they bringing out a White Paper or something?
Adrian
Sorry?
Please.  
Lt. Col. Slaphead
I know.
Adrian
Er, er, a system of-
Lt. Col. Slaphead
Head-slapping?
Adrian
A system of—
Lt. Col. Slaphead
Head-slapping?
Adrian
System of ~
Lt. Col. Slaphead
Head-slapping?
Alan
Aren’t the Government bringing out a White Paper?
Adrian
Are they?
Alan
Yes, they are.
Adrian
Right. Erm, yes, yes, We’re, We’re bringing out a White Paper which, which should end all, all discussion.
Alan
You’re going to have to do better than that. I’m trying to help you out here, mate.You’re in danger of losing the safest Conservative seat in the country. Get a grip.
Adrian
Full steam ahead.
Alan
No, you made that joke earlier and it wasn’t funny then.
Lt. Col. Slaphead
He’s run out of steam.
Alan
You see, he’s quick. Get on the ball. Erm ~ Charlotte — don’t tell me, don’t tell me. No, it’s gone.
Charlotte
Fraser.
Alan
Fraser, right. Erm, do you want to talk about, I don’t know, women or something?
Charlotte
No, I’d like to carry on talking about immigration as I was before you interrupted me.
Alan
Fine.
Charlotte
Erm, it’s interesting, you know, that people very rarely mention the fact that the immigration laws in this country are actually —
Alan builds a tower of marker pens while Charlotte continues talking.
Charlotte '
— some of the most stringent anywhere in the world. I’m sure, Ronald, you’d bear me out on that.
Ronald
I’m afraid that is the case.There are statistics showing that more people emigrate from the country than immigrate into it.
Charlotte
Exactly.
Alan
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Shhh. I’ve never done ﬁve. Great! Six. Oh. (The tower collapses) All right, let’s, let’s, let’s have another question. Erm, from the studio. Yes, the woman — yes, that, the woman up there with this business (ﬂaps his hands around his head, indicating her hair).  Yeah, yeah.
Audience member
Erm, What would the panel do to create more cycle lanes in —
Alan
Oh, that’s a terrible question. Erm, the gentleman with the spectacles there.
Male audience member
(Bald) Yes, yes, I’d like to ask a ques~
Alan
Hang on, hang on. Are you a Slaphead?
Male audience member
I’m sorry?
Alan
Are you a Bald Kojak Big-Foot Hater?
Male audience member 
Look, I just want to ask a question about sport.
Alan
I’m sorry. My mistake. Please, please do go ahead.
Male audience member
Thank you. Er, I’d like to ask the panel their views on, on the possibilities of (talks in Birmingham accent) of the bald Olympics coming to Birmingham!
Lt. Col. Slaphead cheers.
Alan
Oh God. Very good. Very good.
Bald Brummies in audience
(Whistling and shouting) Bald Brummies!
Lt. Col. Slaphead
Bald Brummiesl
Alan
Quite —
Bald Brummies in audience blow whistles.
Alan
Quite — who are you?
Bald Brummies in audience blow whistles.
Alan
Who are you?
Lt. Col. Slaphead
I am Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III.
Alan
No, you’re not.You’re not at all. (Alan pulls his wig and glasses) I’ll tell you exactly who you are.Your name is Martin Dwyer. You’re entertainments ofﬁcer for Warwick University Students Union. And he’s not your — he’s not your father. Who’s he?
Lt. Col. Slaphead
David Harrison.
Alan
Don’t. Fon’t do that voice any more. It’s not funny. Who’s he?
Lt. Col. Slaphead
(Talking without Birmingham accent)
David Harrison.
Alan
And what does he do?
Lt. Col. Slaphead
He’s a tutor in political science.
Alan
And what ~ and what are you studying?
Lt. Col. Slaphead
Law.
Alan
What do your parents think of this?
Lt. Col. Slaphead
Not that keen.
Alan
You’re just — everyone likes a bit of fun, but you’re just — you’re just wasting people’s time. Get yourself a girlfriend. (Turning to Charlotte and Ronald) Well, erm, I think we know a little bit more about ~ thank you for coming along. We know more about 
Lt. Col. Slaphead
(grabbing his wig back when Alan isn’t looking) Bald Brummies are back! (Taps Adrian ’s head) Whoo, he’s a slapheadl Look at his slaphead!
Adrian
You — you are a bloody shit!
Alan
(Quietly) Oh, God.
Adrian
You’re a bloody buggering shitting bugger head.
Alan
(Quietly) Don’t, please. Don’t do that.
Lt. Col. Slaphead
I think he’s just lost the safest Conservative seat in the country. Full steam ahead (blows whistle).
Adrian
You bugger! Buggering —
Lt. Col. Slaphead runs to back of stage with Adrian chasing him; Adrian grabs his wig and starts hitting Lt. Col. Slaphead with it. Alan joins them.
Alan
Don’t! Please! This is not political debate! If you’re going to ﬁght, do it in the car park!
Lt. Col. Slaphead
OW!
Alan
(Trying to break them up) Just stop it. Please.
Two Bald Brummies run on stage, blowing whistles, naked except for rosette attached to their posing pouches.
Alan
Get security! Get security! Right. I’ll have you.
Alan chases Bald Brumrnies round stage.
Alan
I’ll have the both of you. Come here. Come here. I’ll have you. I’ll have you both. Right, I’ll have you. Right.
Alan rugby tackles one of them to the ground and lies half on top of him, staring at his buttocks.
Alan
Right. Right. And on that — on that bombshell, it’s time to say, knowing me, Alan Partridge —
Bald Brummie struggles; Alan attempts to cover Brummie’s buttocks with his hand.
Alan
Knowing you, my guests. If you want to write in, then do so. Goodnight and ah—haa!
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’; 
Bald Brummie escapes and runs off stage.