Knowing Me, Knowing You - TV - episode 6
Scanned and edited by Miguel Wilkins/BBAPBF

Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’
Alan
Ah—haa!
Applause.Alan does a little run onstage and mimes setting off an explosive — there is a bang and lots of smoke.
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’,' women wearing Alan Partridge masks perform dance routine with Alan.
Applause
Alan .
( Licks ﬁnger and holds it up) Tssss! Welcome, welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You, with Alan Partridge. It’s not the talk of the town: it’s the chat of the town
Drum roll
Alan 
Tonight we’re going to climb the mountain of conversation.Yes, I'm going to get my grappling hook and scale the north face of Chatmandu.
Drum roll
Alan
And as usual I’m going to cause quite a stir. I’m going to put the chat amongst the pigeons.
Drum roll
Alan
But sufﬁce to say, tonight’s show is an exciting stew of exotic vegetables — or guests — in a tomato-based — a tomato-based sauce of entertainment.Yes, you’ve guessed it, I’m serving up Chatatouille.
Drum roll
Alan
But, er, ﬁrst an important announcement. You may remember that my dance troupe, The Alan Partridge Playmates, were wearing Alan Partridge masks.These masks (takes mask) — thank you very much — are ofﬁcial merchandise available in all good novelty shops and Welcome Break service stations in the South-East. 
However, last week these fun items were abused.Take a look at these pictures from a security camera. (Black and white footage of men in Alan Partridge masks holding up a bank) Natwest, Sycamore Road, Corby, on Tuesday last, when three masked gunmen, wearing my rubber face, burst in.Then they ran off with £15,000 in a copper-coloured sports holdall. I wish to disassociate myself from this act. My face was designed as a leisure accessory. 
When people rob, maim, pimp, ram-raid, smuggle, stalk or peep with my face, they drag it through the mud. And I don’t like it. And if necessary will take action, either through the courts or by other means, believe me.That said, erm, if you do want to buy one, they really are great fun, and, er, they’re available in the shops right now, and at service stations.
I’m told they’re particularly popular with students — that’s lovely. So, er, buy one today and give your neighbours a fright. Sneak up on them. But, but don’t stalk them — or mug them. Just frighten them in a friendly way.
Well, it’s time now to meet and greet my resident house band: Glen Ponder and Bangkok!
Music ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You’
Alan
Glen, erm, I’m pleased you’ve seen sense and decided to, er, cancel your court action.Very impressive. Erm, and it means that —
Alan rises towards Glen on a movable platform.
Alan
I’ve, er, I’ve no fear now of saying, knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glen Ponder, ah-haa.
Glen
Ah-haa.
Alan
And knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Bangkok, ah-haa.
Bangkok
(In unison) Ah-haa.
Alan
Glen, erm, I’m in a bit of bother this week. I’ve got a confession to make. I actually stabbed a senior academic to death in my kitchen.
Glen
Really? Who was that?
Alan
Professor Plum. I was playing Cluedo.
Drum roll
Alan
But, erm, but seriously, Glen, I believe you’ve just had a new kitchen ﬁtted. Is that right?
Glen
Yeah, yeah, that’s right, yeah.
Alan
What, what prompted that?
Glen
Well, er, my boyfriend’s a bit of a cordon bleu and, er (Alan looks uncomfortable) it was his idea really. His idea.
Alan
I didn’t — I didn’t know. Take, take me down, please.
Alan ’s platform descends.
Glen
Well, he needed a bit more space, you know, and, er, I thought what the hell. Let’s splash out.
Alan
Thanks a lot. Conversation’s ﬁnished now.
Glen
You could come round for a meal some time.
Alan
No thanks. No thank you.
Glen
You’d be very welcome.
Alan
No. It’s all right. Can we get this quicker? Sorry — I’m gonna, I’ll jump, I’ll jump the, er, last couple of feet, that’s all right.
Alan jumps to ﬂoor.
Alan
Glen Ponder and Bangkok!
Music: ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You ’
Alan
Ba—ba—ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba! Ba- ba—ba-ba-ba-ba—ba-baaaaa—baI Hah.That ~that was the music for Pearl and Dean.We all know it.We all love it.We all admire it. My next guests are not Pearl and Dean.
They’re called Scott and Dean. But they are connected with cinema.That’s why I just sang the, er, Pearl and Dean song. They are two brothers who produce, write, direct and star in their own movies, and who swept through Hollywood like a plague of locusts shouting, ‘Action’ — if you can imagine such a thing.They’re two of Tinseltown’s big-shots, which is quite ironic really, since they’re both under four foot ten.
You’ll see what I mean when I welcome Scott and Dean McLean.
Music
Alan
Ahhh. Brrrr.Yabba-dabba—doo. (Laughs) Ay? Can you do that? (Pulls funny face and laughs) Marvellous. Lovely. Erm, knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Scott McLean, ah-haa.
Scott
Ah-haa.
Alan
Good lad! He’s done it.Well done.Well done. And, er, and, er — see if you can do it now, Dean, hmrn, get ready? — knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Dean
McLean. Ah-haa.
Dean
Ah-haa.
Alan
By George, he’s got it! Good lad. Marvellous. Lovely. OK.You’ve just ﬂown in from LA. Did you enjoy the ﬂight?
Scott
It was a pain in the ass.
Alan
Right, erm, let’s move on. Next question: er, Dean, how old are you?
Dean
I’m eleven.
Alan
Eleven? Hmm, big lad. Big lad. And, er, Scott, how old are you?
Scott
I’m nine. ]ust coming up for the big one-oh.
Alan
What?
Scott
Ten. One zero. I’m gonna be ten.
Alan
Great. Lovely. And, er, are you looking forward to your birthday?
Scott
I guess when you hit double ﬁgures you gotta take time out to look around. Ask yourself some pretty serious questions.
Alan
Right. Like What?
Scott
Am I satisﬁed? Where am I going? What do I want?
Alan
Er, and What do you want? A space hopper? A Meccano set? Or do you want a Batmobile?
Dean
Believe me ~ this guy, he wants it all.
Alan
Well, I can’t get you that. But I can get you a da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-
na-na-na Batmobile! (Holds up the toy) There you go. Lovely. And, er, I don’t want Dean to feel left out. He’s looking a bit grumpy there. Why haven’t you got anything for me? (Laughs) So there you go: Alan Partridge mask. All right? Lovely.
Scott and Dean laugh.
Alan
What — What are you laughing at? My face? You shouldn’t laugh at my face.
Dean
No. It’s not the mask. It’s the Batmobile. 
Alan
What’s wrong with it?
Dean
We don’t mean to be rude, it’s just that last week Tim Burton — he directed Batman —
Alan
Yeah, I know who he is.
Dean
Well, he gave us the actual Batmobile used in the movie.
Alan
What the full—size ~
Dean
With all the gadgets.
Alan
Well, you can stick that on the dashboard.
Scott
The Batmobile is so cool and we drive it all around the estate.
Alan
Right, yeah.When I was ten I got, er, a bat and a ball. I used to play with that round the, er, estate. It was attached by a piece of elastic, so you could kind of bat it and it’d sort of bat back and forth.You know, it really was quite ... in the bat and ball world it was state of the art, it really was.
Scott
And do you still have it, Alan?
Alan
No, erm, it was — it was taken off— stolen from me by a boy called Steven McCoombe. A big lad. He used to bully everyone. He just threw it in the canal. Just threw it in — and I remember, I told the teacher, I said, ‘Steve McCoombe threw it in the canal.’ And she said, ‘Don’t tell tales. Don’t be a sneak.’Where’s the justice in that?Where, where is the justice in that?
Dean
You gotta let these things go, Alan.
Alan
Yeah, you’re right. Right, where was I?
Dean
Er — our new movie.
Alan
Yes, thank you.Thanks, Dean. I like you.
Scott
What about me?
Alan
Yes. Now, er, the new movie ~ you’re shooting it here in Britain at the moment. It’s an action thriller called Intelface.Tell us about that.
Dean
That’s right. It’s dealing with that whole — virtual reality, um, CD-ROM paranoia.
Alan
Yeah, yeah, that whole paranoia, yeah. And, er, so this bloke, Seedy Ron, how seedy is he?
Scott
What?
Alan
Seedy Ron, how seedy is he?
Scott
CD-ROM.
Alan
What?
Dean
CD-ROM. It’s a computer process which allows you to, um, interface with visual information on compact disc format.
Alan
Right, right. Seedy Ron’s got a compact disc player.
Scott
Jesus Christ.
Alan
Excuse me, can I ask you to watch your language, young man? So, er, tell us about Bruce Willis. I understand you ﬁred him only three weeks into ﬁlming.
Dean
Yeah, that’s right.We had a difference of opinion.
Alan
What was that?
Scott
He thought he was cool; we thought he was an asshole.
Alan
OK, w-w—well, all right, what about me? Am I, I —
Scott
Yeah, you’re an asshole too.
Alan
No, no. No, yeah, OK. No, I mean, Bruce Willis — do you think I could take over from Bruce Willis? I can do, I can do an American accent. (In American accent) I’m Seedy Ron. I’m gonna gun you down.
Scott
Sorry, Alan. We’ve just cast Harrison Ford.
Alan
Yeah, it was a joke.
Scott
Hang on a minute. In the movie Sharon Stone’s got a British husband.
Dean
Oh yeah, that’s right. Maybe he could do it.
Scott
Yeah.
Alan
What, what, really?
Scott
Sure. Fly over to LA next week.
Alan
Yeah, well, yeah, I, I could do that. I mean, I’m supposed to be doing a ~ a sales conference for, er, Nabisco at the Birmingham Metropole, but, er, I could get Nick Owen to do that. He owes me one.
Scott
But you got to understand. It’s only a supporting role.
Alan
I~ I have done acting. I was, er, I was Mother Goose in Ipswich and Colchester. And, and, er, I’ve done —I did do a commercial for, erm, Fords of Norwich. I don’t know if you’ve seen it?
Scott
Really? 
Alan
Yeah, it was — a thirty-second commercial. It was on at the garage forecourt, erm, surrounded by, er, Ford Granadas, and I simply stand up — I’ll do it for you — I simply stand up and say, erm, ‘I’m Alan Partridge and Fords of Norwich are driving me crazy!’ (Alan stands up and starts spinning around) You know 
Dean
That’s good.That’s good.
Alan
It’s only — it’s a bit of fun, but it shows that I can handle big-screen action.
Scott and Dean laugh.
Scott
Alan, it was a joke.
Dean
We were only joking.You can’t be in an action movie.
Scott
You’re too old.
Alan
I’m younger than Harrison Ford.
Dean
You look older.
Alan
Yeah, well, I was joking too. So the joke’s on you. I started the joke.
Scott
No, we started the joke.
Alan
No, I started it. I started the joke.
Scott
Right, one big happy joke.
Alan
Yeah, one big happy joke that I started.
Dean
No, you didn’t.
Alan
Yes, I did.
Scott
You didn’t.
Alan
I did.
Dean
Look, this is getting childish.
Alan
Yeah, why don’t you, why don’t you grow up?
Scott
What, like you?
Alan
No, just act your age.
Dean
He’s only nine years old.
Scott
Just coming up to the big one-oh.
Alan
Yes, very good.Very clever. Look, the point is, I started the joke and now I’ve ﬁnished it.The trouble, the trouble with you Americans is you haven’t got a sophisticated sense of humour, quite frankly. Have you heard of Robin ’s Nest? Not got a clue.You haven’t got a clue.
Scott
Look, you’re three times as old as us, and we’re ﬁfty times as rich as you, and a hundred times as talented, and you don’t like it. 
Alan
Why don’t you get a life? I’ve got a life.Why don’t you get one? Why don’t you go and play Tig or something?
Scott
What kind of a life have you had?
Alan
I’ve had a very successful one. Last month I was voted Man of the Moment by TV Quick magazine.
Scott
Whooo.
Alan
Yeah. Shut up, right? In 1998 I was Sports Reporter of theYear for Radio Norwich. 
Dean
Oh, big time, huh?
Alan
Yeah, it is big time actually, yes. And ten years ago I was broadcasting highly complex trafﬁc information to the whole of the East Anglia region when you were just a foetus.Think about that.
Scott
Oh, your breath is gross.
Alan
I have not got bad breath.
Scott
It’s like something’s died in your mouth.
Alan
Nothing has died in my mouth.
Dean
(Puts on Alan Partridge mask and leans towards Scott) I’m Alan Partridge. My mouth’s a chemical dump.
Scott
Oh, gross breath. Aaaaarrrggghh!
Alan 
Right.That is it. I’m conﬁscating that. (Pulls mask from Dean) I’m conﬁscating that.
Dean and Scott
You can’t do that. Give it back! (They jump around Alan while he holds the mask over his head)
Alan
I can. No, you’re not having it.
Dean stamps on Alan ’s foot and punches him in stomach; Scott knocks Alan to ﬂoor," Dean grabs mask.
Alan
Oh God, God. Get security. They shouldn’t be doing this.
Alan tries to stand up; Scott and Dean trip him up.
Alan
Christ.
Scott
Sorry.
Alan
You should be in a bloody Borstal.
Scott
Any further questions?
Alan stands up and sits in his chair.
Alan
No.
Dean
(Wearing theAlan Partridge mask) Can we go now?
Alan
Yes. Scott and Dean McLean.
Dean
I’m Alan Partridge.
Applause; Scott and Dean leave stage, making vomiting noises.
Alan
Sorry about that. Now — women.What are they? To some women you can say, ‘That’s a nice dress.Would you like to have dinner?’ With other women you’ve got to keep your distance. Best not get involved; just be pleasant. I’m talking about those women who until the last century were conﬁned to the island of Lesbos. 
In other words, lady lesbians.That’s what my next guests are. Yes, next week this show will be replaced by a new series for lesbians called Off the Straight and Narrow ~ quite clever, that — and it will be hosted by my next guests. I’ve been told by the BBC to have them on to promote their show, which I think is a good idea. I can’t ~ I can’t tell you what’s going to be in their show — that’s their job — so let’s hear it from the horses’ mouths. Please welcome, Wanda Harvey and Bridey McMahon.
Music: ‘Honey, Honey ’; applause; Wanda and Bridey join Alan.
Alan
Diddley-de-dee-dee, two ladies. Diddley-de-dee—dee, two ladies. Diddley-de-dee-dee, and I’m the on-ly man, yah. Diddley-de-dee—dee, I like it. Diddley-de-dee-dee, they like it. (Chuckles) Diddley-de-dee-dee, this two for one. Ba-dom-ba-dom-bom.Bom. ( Wanda and Bridey stare in silence)
I’m sorry, that was, that was misjudged. I’m sorry about that. Erm, knowing me,Alan Partridge, knowing you,Wanda Harvey, ah-haa?
Wanda
Ah-haa.
Alan
And knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Bridey McMahon, ah-haa.
Bridey
Ah-haa.
Alan
(In exaggerated Irish accent) Bridey McMahon. Bridey McMahon. (In English accent) Lovely name that. It’s — the kind of name you’d imagine an, er, er, Irish ﬂame-haired ﬁery woman to have in a ﬁlm with John Wayne, isn’t it? You can just imagine him saying, (in American accent) ‘Bridey McMahon, I’ll have you over my knee and give you six of the best.’ And you’d be saying, you’d be saying (in Irish accent), ‘Oh, I’ll have nothing to do Wi’ yer. Keep yer hands to yerself.’ (Sighs) You know, but of course, in the end, you marry him ~ and, er — well, of course that’s not going to happen: you’re a lesbian. And, er, you’re, you’re Wanda. 
Erm,Wanda, I was just thinking actually, if you married Glen, you know what your name would be, don’t you? Wanda Ponder. But, errn, that’s, that’s not going to happen because, er, you’re, er, you know, and so’s he —I don’t, I don’t want to get bogged down in this whole nest of gay vipers.
Wanda
Have you, er, have you got a question?
Alan
Yes, yes. First question: what’s it like to be a lesbian?
Bridey
Well, you’re asking us to sum up the experience of millions of women in one media-friendly soundbite.
Alan
If you could.
Bridey
Well, I can’t.
Alan
Well, you’re gonna have to, love, if you want to make it in the TV business.
Wanda
Well, with all due respect, considering we have a series which runs for twenty-four weeks, I think we’ve —
Alan
Twenty-four weeks? I only got six.
Wanda
Well, perhaps the BBC think our show’s going to be four times as good as yours. 
Alan
(Laughs) No they don’t. Now, you two. You’re both lesbians — we know that. I don’t mind. It’s not a problem. Does it bother you when you hear people use these slang expressions?
Bridey
What slang expressions are you referring to?
Alan
You know, the usual: er, lesbos, lezzers, lezby friends, dykes, bulldykes, dick van dykes,  spare-rib ticklers, erm, catﬂaps, pussy-footers, knicker-pickers, men, er, back-packers, tent-peggers, trout-ﬁshers, er, melon farmers, quick-ﬁt ﬁtters, baggage handlers and, er, left luggage. Do those names hurt?
Wanda
Where are you getting all these names from, Alan?
Alan
Just names.
Wanda
Yeah, that you and the guys thought up in the office?
Alan
No.We didn’t think them all up. I mean, er, lezzers and dykes — can’t take the credit for those. Erm, but, er, OK, now let’s talk about your show — because I’ve got to. Erm, now, tell us.What, what is, what’s it about?
Wanda
Well, next week Jeanette Winterson will be reviewing the latest gay ﬁction, and, er — this should interest you, Alan — we have a woman’s football team. And also in the next show we have Kitty Mayhew from the British Museum. She’ll be looking at some Etruscan earthenware depicting early gay iconography.
Alan
(Looking at his clipboard) Fantastic!
Wanda
Are you interested in gay ico —
Alan
No, no, no, no. I just realized an anagram of, er, ‘Alan Partridge’ is ‘great drain pal’.
Amazing.
Bridey
You can get the word ‘prat’ out of Partridge, too.
Alan
Yeah, I know.
Bridey
And ‘Alan’ is an anagram of ‘anal’.
Alan
Yeah. I’m well aware of that.
Bridey
So, er, ‘anal dirge prat’.
Alan
I didn’t know that.That’s a good one. That’s a very good one, that, yeah. I’ve, er, I’ve been trying to think of one for, er, ‘Glen Ponder’. So, er, if you could help me out there that’d be good. Er, now, your new show.
Bridey
Porn legend.
Alan
Sorry?
Bridey
Porn legend. It’s an anagram of ‘Glen Ponder’.
Alan
Yes, you’re absolutely — yes, you’re absolutely right. Glen, er, are you a porn legend?
Glen
Well, my boyfriend thinks so.
Alan
Yeah, all right. I don’t want to — don’t want to get bogged down in that whole gay hornets’ nest. Erm, tell us a bit more about your show.
Bridey
Well, we’re also having features on, er, gay holidays, on Virago Press. Er, we’ll be looking at mortgages for lesbian couples.
Alan
Are you, are you a couple?
Wanda
I hope that you’re not assuming that because we’re both lesbians we’re an item.
Alan
No. No, no, no. But, er, are you?
Wanda
No. Absolutely not.
Bridey
We used to be.
Alan
Ooh! Ooh.
Wanda
We went out for while.
Briday
We were passionately involved for three years.
Alan
Now we’re cooking. Turn it up!
Wanda
It was, it was fun while it lasted.
Bridey
It was as if the surf rolled over us and we were sheltering beneath the wings of a great bird.
Alan
Lovely. Lovely. Now, of course, you’re sheltering beneath the wings of a great partridge. Not — not literally. That would be hideous. Like something out of jason and the Argonauts — quite frightening. Erm, your new programme’s called Off the Straight and Narrow.That’s a bit of a mouthful, isn’t it?
Wanda
Well, We call it O.T. S. A. N. or Otsan for short.
Alan
Nearly an anagram of ‘satan’. Carry on.
Wanda
Yeah, Alan, it’s just an abbreviation like you abbreviate this show to K. M. K.Y.
Alan
No, no, that’s not its full title. Its full title is K. M. K.Y.W. A. P. or Kmkywap as someone in the ofﬁce said the other day. It’s the kind of thing you might expect a Red Indian to say to Kevin Costner in Dances With Wolves, isn’t it? Kmkywap. (Laughs) Me big chief chatting partridge. Kmkywap. Ah-haa.
Wanda
It also sounds a bit like a moist toilet tissue: a kmkywap.
Alan
Yeah, yeah, can’t argue with that. Yeah. I could, er, I could wipe myself with a kmkywap and, er, throw it down my great drain pal. (Laughs)
Bridey
After cleaning your anal dirge prat.
Alan
Yeah, that’s just offensive.
Wanda
I wouldn’t worry about it, Alan. No one’s watching.
Alan
Yes, they are.
Bridey
You’ve been losing one million viewers a week.
Alan
(Getting agitated) Yes, all right, I admit it. There’s been some sort of a conspiracy to deprive me of viewers. And I’ll tell you who’s behind it: your mates.That lot upstairs.The Mr and Ms of BBC2.They don’t like me.They’ve all been to Oxbridge University, wherever that is.They all wander round in their baggy linen suits and their ﬂip-ﬂops, saying, ‘Ooh, look at me. I work for BBC2. Do you like my glasses? They’re like ]ohn Lennon’s.’ 
I loathe these people. Every week, just before I’m about to go on air, a whole bank of them come into the studio and say, ‘You can’t do that. You can’t say this.You can’t say that.’ Get out! I wish all ofyou BBC2 people would get on a bus and just drive over a cliff. I’d happily be the driver.
(Calming down) That said, erm, good — good luck with the series. Please sit around for my next guest. Er, ladies and gentlemen, please thank Wanda Harvey and Bridey McMahon.Two ladies, diddley-de-dee—dee!
Applause

Alan
Well, let’s take a break from, er, all this chat and have a little light relief. Fifteen years ago I was on a Hoseasons holiday in Bournemouth and I went to the summer cabaret. It was pretty mediocre.Then one man came on and raised the roof. He made me laugh quite literally like a drain. After the show I went backstage and I said to him, ‘I’m Alan Partridge. If I ever get my own TV series, I promise to give you a big break.’ Remember this is ﬁfteen years ago. Well, tonight I intend to honour that pledge by introducing a very special entertainer. Hold on to your sides, they might just split, as I welcome on ]oe Beazley and Cheeky Monkey!
Applause; music; Joe enters stage with monkey hand-puppet.
Joe
(Laughs) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. My name’s Joe Beazley and —Joe wiggles monkey and taps it on head.
Joe
Aye.This is Cheeky Monkey, ladies and gentlemen.Well, it’s a great privilege to be here on the Alan Partridge show, Knowing Me, Knowing You, and I was thinking to myself in the dressing room, that’s an Abba song, in’t it, ladies and gentlemen. So here’s a little joke — right? What do you get if you cross Fred Flintstone ~ no, not what if you cross — er, what do you — what do you get if you, er, what does a Swedish, what does a Swedish Fred Flintstone say? Yabba-dabbo-doooo! No, he says, ‘Abba—dabba-doo!’
Abba-dabba-doo, that’s what he says. Erm, so, then, er, ay, other week ~ joe wiggles monkey.
Joe
Pack it in, you — the other week — stop it — the other week me and Cheeky Monkey, we went to Blackpool Pleasure Beach, right? And at Blackpool Pleasure Beach — I don’t know if you know this, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls — but they’ve got the biggest rollercoaster in the world. It’s massive, in’t it?
Joe wiggles monkey.
Joe
And we went up the big — up the big dipper ~ (Monkey ’s hands, attached by Velcro around Joe’s neck, come unclasped.) Oh God.We went up the big dipper — (Joe tries to fasten monkey ’s hands round his neck) - and, er, we were on the big dipper, right? And we were going about 200 m-miles an hour. Two hundred miles an hour on, on, on the big dipper.
Joe fails to fasten monkey ’s hands round neck and places one of monkey ’s hands on his chest instead.
Joe
And, erm, we got on the big dipper, right? And we come round the corner and Cheeky Monkey, right? ’(silence) We’re on the big dipper, right? No.That  ooh, you cheeky monkey. ’E’s made me forget  it’s his fault, ladies and gentlemen (laughs) he’s made me forget. He ma— oh. Ooh. (He hits the monkey) He’s always doing that, ladies and gentlemen. Forget, forget — forget the joke there. Chee— you cheeky monkey. Cheeky, cheeky monkey. Chee—
Alan
(joining Joe onstage) Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Beazley and Cheeky Monkey!
Applause
Alan
Thank you.Well done. Joe, I think you, we — I think you’ve been, er, I think you’ve been very brave.
Joe
There’s more jokes, Alan.
Alan
Ay -
Joe
There’s plenty more.
Alan
It’s ﬁne —
Joe
Just a little mistake there.
Alan
I don’t think, I don’t think it’s working —
Joe
Just a little mistake.You should apologize to Cheeky Monkey. Look 
Joe wiggles monkey in Alan ’s face.
Alan
Don’t do that. It’s not real.
Joe
You’ve upset — oh, look, he’s upset him, ladies and gentlemen.
Alan
He’s not real.
Alan goes to take monkey.
Joe
Don’t touch it! I’m sorry. I’m sorry
Alan
You’ve got a big problem. If you’ve got any sense of dignity — this is — look, your act is, your act is really poor.You — you — if you’ve got any sense of dignity, you’ll leave the stage. I’ll make sure you get a round of applause. Now, come on, quit while you’re ahead. Come on. Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Joe Beazley and Cheeky Monkey!
Applause; music, Joe and Cheeky Monkey leave.
Alan
Erm, my ﬁnal guest in this show — and of the series — has dined with Fidel Castro, President Kennedy, Mikhail Gorbachev and Bing Crosby. He’s one of the most feared, respected and opinionated men in Great Britain. He is, of course, the restaurant critic of the Spectator magazine.
He’s had more free dinners than I’ve had hot dinners. In Who's Who?, under his list of hobbies, it really does say, ‘Food, food, glorious food — and wine.’ He’s just recovered from a double heart-bypass operation, please welcome raconteur and bon viveur Forbes McAllister!
Music: ‘On and On and On ’; applause; Forbes McAllister walks onstage and sits on sofa.
Alan
This is the last time I’m ever going to do this, so you ~ you know the form.
Forbes
Yes. I’ve seen the show.
Alan
Right. Er, let’s make it a good ’un. Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Forbes..
Ah-haa.
Alan
You’ve just ruined it. It was the last one.
Forbes
Hello, lesbians.
Alan
Right, now, you were in the papers —
Forbes
Where’s your moustache?
Alan
What?
Forbes
You had a moustache last week. Made you look like a spiv.
Alan
Yeah.Yes, I shaved it off: it didn’t suit me.
Forbes
No, no, it made you look like a Lebanese pimp.
Alan
Yes, as I said, it didn’t suit me.
Forbes
It did.
Alan
Right. Now, Forbes, erm, you, you were in the papers yesterday because you were at Sotheby’s for an auction, in which you paid over £ 100,000 for the personal effects of Lord Byron, which we’ve got here. I’m gonna bring them forward. 
Artefacts brought onstage and passed to Forbes.
Alan
Erm, these are the personal artefacts of Lord Byron — £100,000 worth.That’s a lot of money.You must be a big fan of Byron’s.
Forbes
No, can't stand him. Big ponce with a club foot.
Alan
So why’ve you bought all his bits?
Forbes
Because Michael Winner was bidding for them. And I hate him even more than I hate Byron. Ended up with all this junk. Got Byron’s lock of his stupid hair.You want to look at that, lezzer? And, er, manuscript of some of his rubbish poems.Want to look at some rubbish? Be careful: they’re valuable.
But this is what Michael really wanted to get his greasy hands on. (Opens the box) Lord Byron’s duelling pistols. (Waves pistols in air) Michael, I’ve got the pistols.
Alan
Yeah. CanI ask you a question? (Alan takes one pistol) Are you entirely motivated by hatred?
Forbes
Yes, I think I am. It’s rather perceptive of you.
Alan
Thank you.
Forbes
I hate you.
Alan
Erm, Wanda, Bridey, do you like Byron?
Forbes
Hate him.
Bridey
Yes, actually I adore Byron. I ﬁnd his work powerful and moving. It, it, it speaks to me like the, the sea in a shell.
Alan
Lovely. You really do have a lovely voice.
Forbes
Yes. It’s very beautiful, if I may say so. I could fall in love with you. If you put a bag over your head.
Alan
Please, Forbes.
Forbes
(to Bridey) I hate you. (to Wanda) Not as much as I hate you, though.
Alan
Forbes, we have a bit of a surprise for you. Er, we know that when you were a child, growing up in Scotland, you used to love the sound of the bagpipes. So will you please welcome the Balmoral Highland Pipers!
Applause; Balmoral Highland Pipers play for couple of seconds; applause.
Alan
Forbes, what do you say? What do you think?
Forbes
I used to throw stones at pipers. I hate them.
Alan
They’re Scotland’s number one bagpiping combo. I mean, they, they’ve been on How Do They Do That?
Forbes
Do you want me to lie and say I like the bagpipes?
Alan
(Fiddling with the pistol) Yes, yes, I would, if you don’t —
Forbes
All right, I love the bagpipes. I love the screeching, wheezing, rasping din they make. Be careful with that.
Alan accidentally shoots Forbes in the chest;
Screams.
Alan
Oh my God!
Floor manager
Get the gun, get the gun.
Runner takes gun from Alan. Programme cuts for two seconds then returns to set.
Alan
Er, what happens now? What happens now?
Floor manager
Ladies and gentlemen, is there a doctor somewhere?
Wanda screams.
Alan
It’s not my fault. It wasn’t my — I didn’t know it was loaded.
Floor manager
Can everybody stay calm, please —
Wanda and Bridey are led from stage; doctor examines Forbes.
Alan
Didn’t know it was loaded.
Floor manager
— there is no need to panic.
Producer walks on stage.
Producer
(Whispers) Tosser!
Alan
Sorry. It’s just, I didn’t know it was loaded. It’s not my fault.
Producer
I’m gonna kill you.
Alan
Is — is he all right?
Doctor
I’m afraid he’s dead.
Alan
Give it — cover him up! Cover him up with this. (Picks up an Alan Partridge mask;Producer snatches mask fromAlan and stamps on it) Right. I’m the Executive Producer. You’re ﬁred. You’re ﬁred. Go on.
Producer
What? You just killed a man and I’m ﬁred?
Alan
Yes, yes, you’re ﬁred. Go on.
Producer
I’m ﬁred?
Alan
Yes, you’re ﬁred.
Producer
I’m ﬁred?
Alan
Yes.
Producer
I’m ﬁred?
Alan
Yes.
Producer
Wanker!
Alan
Yeah, right. Right. Get the pipers! Get the pipers back on!We’re carrying on. Get the pipers back on!
Floor manager
Back on?
Alan
Back on. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Knowing Me, Knowing You, with Alan Partridge. It’s a live show, erm, in, in a live televis— anything can happen. I, I, I don’t know if you remember Blue Peter when the elephant, erm — made a mess on the studio ﬂoor. Ironically it was in this very studio. Tonight I’ve made a mess. I can’t deny it. You saw it there.You saw, saw it here ﬁrst. Another exclusive for Knowing Me, Knowing You, with Alan Partridge, or Kmkywap. 
Just as a packet of Kmkywaps help clear up a mess, I’m (gulps) I’m gonna help clear up this mess, so — may I be the ﬁrst to offer my condolences to the family of Forbes — Glen — (clicks ﬁngers)
Glen
McAllister.
Alan
McAllister. Forbes McAllister. But he’s at peace now. He went out like a light. He wouldn’t have suffered. He wouldn’t have suffered: I shot him straight through the heart.
Guests and the Alan Partridge Playmates join Alan onstage.
Alan
Well, it’s time to close the show’and the series in the way that Forbes would have wanted, with the Balmoral Highland Pipers playing us out, together with my wonderful, wonderful guests and, of course, The Alan Partridge Playmates, and very lovely they are. Erm, I’ll — I think I’ll have to speak to the police.They’re here, they’re here now.
They’re waiting for me in the wings. Erm, knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, the police, ah-haa. Be chatting — chatting with you, er, in a short while. Erm, in the meanwhile, enjoy the rest of the show -- What’s left ~— ofﬁcers. So on that fatal bombshell it simply remains for me to say goodbye for the last time. 
By the way, if any of you are in Manchester on the seventeenth of next month, I’m opening a new Texas Homecare, so why don’t you, er, pop along? It should be a lot of fun. Erm, for now this is me, Alan Partridge, saying knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, whoever you may be, ah-haa!
Balmoral Highland Pipers play ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You’; everyone waves at the camera.
Police walk onstage.
Alan
Right. Do I have to go right now? Right. OK. OK.
Alan, still waving, is led away by police.