Knowing Me, Knowing You - TV - Yule
Scanned and edited by Miguel Wilkins/BBAPBF

Alan outside studio in the snow, with choirboy.
Choirboy (Stanley)
(Singing) Knowing me, knowing Yule. Ah-haa, there is nothing we can do Knowing me, knowing Yule La la la la la la — (continues while Alan is speaking)
Alan
Ah-haa. What is Christmas? It’s a little robin redbreast, petriﬁed by the wind. It’s an orphan in a blanket, being helped into a shed. And it’s a snowman whose nose carrot has been stolen and subsequently eaten by a gypsy thief. But more than that it’s me, Stanley, three stunning hostesses, some Santa chat, and quality poultry. I.e. Knowing Me, Knowing Yule, with Alan Partridge. I bid ye good tidings. Now!
Music as Alan enters house from the snow.
Alan
Ah—ho-ho-ho! (Applause) Don’t, don’t worry, don’t worry. That stuff you saw me brushing off earlier wasn’t dandruff, it was just fake snow. It’s just a polyurethane composite. . .the kind of thing they used to use in Doctor Zhivago.Welcome to Knowing Me, KnowingYule, with Alan Partridge.
There’s no need to shop around for your festive entertainment. Simply put your feet up and peruse my chatalogue.
(Drum roll)
And I mean that chategorically.
(Drum roll)
Tonight’s show, tonight’s show is coming live from BBC Television Centre, where we’ve built an exact replica reproduction of the interior of my house. 
Audience
Wooo-oooooo!
Alan
Please, don’t take that as a green light to go to Norwich and burgle my actual house  as happened during my television series six times. Because sitting at my home right now are two men from Securicor, Mike and Ted, with their two Alsatians,Tin-Tin and Pickles. So, er, if anyone out there is thinking of burgling me then don’t bother. No, in fact do. Have a go. Because, because quite frankly you’ll be picking up your teeth with a broken arm. So just think about that before you trespass on my property. Because you people are scum. (Points to camera) 
Let’s meet the bell ringers of Norwich Cathedral.
Applause; bell ringers ring hand bells.
Alan
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, the bell ringers of Norwich Cathedral, ah-haa.
Ringers
Ah-haa. Ah-haaaa.
Alan
Christmas, I imagine, a very busy time for bell ringers?
Mary
Yeah it is, it’s very busy but it’s very lovely for us to be able to celebrate, through bell ringing, the birth of Jesus Christ our saviour.
Alan
Fair enough. It’s nice to have you on the show.
Mary
Thank you, it’s nice to —
Alan
Great.
Mary
Oh, sorry.
Alan
No, carry on, sorry.
Mary
No, I was just going to say it’s nice to be on a television show that’s not all about, you know, swearing and child pornography.
Alan
Look, have you seen Noel ’s House Parry?
Mary
Yes.
Alan
That’s the kind of show this is. Keep it light. All right? Right. Have you had a mince pie?
Mary
No.
Alan
Have a mince pie.
Mary
I, I was just saying -
Alan
Have a mince pie.
(Walking away) Next. Next!
Mary
All I was saying was that —
Alan
Mince pies! Later on, Mick Hucknall from Simply Red will be singing ‘Ding Dong Merrily On High’. Mick will be backed on a Korg M1 synthesizer by my musical man with ﬁngers like a centipede, Glen Ponder!
Applause
Alan
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing Yule, Glen Ponder. Ah-haa.
Glen
Ah-haa.
Alan
Well, Glen, did you, did you have a nice Christmas?
Glen
Oh, quiet.We just stayed in, didn’t we?
Andy
Yeah, yeah.
Laughter as Alan looks at Glen and Andy, shocked.
Glen
What about you, Alan?
Alan
Ooh, very pleasant, very pleasant. Except on Boxing Day, when I chopped a man’s head off and stuck it on a spike.
Glen
Really, Alan?
Alan
Yes. I was playing Mortal Kombat on my nephew’s video game.
Drum roll
Alan
But, er, seriously — the, the highlight of my Christmas was receiving a brand-new Rover Vitesse fastback.Which, I don’t mind admitting, is the best executive car I’ve ever had. And, What, what, what did you get, Glen?
Glen
(Smiling at Andy) Andy bought me a silk kimono.
Alan
(Walking away) Glen Ponder. And Andy.
Applause and music
Alan
Now, now the idea of this show is that there’s a party atmosphere in my home, my mock-up home. And what party would be complete without three lovely hostesses hired for the evening? (Alan walks towards three girls dressed as ‘Mrs Santa Claus’)
They’ll be circulating with mulled wine and Boaster biscuits. Um, they’re — they’re, they’re an assortment of chocolates and hazelnuts compacted on to a sweet oatmeal base. Quite buttery, um. Anyway, there they are,Yvette, Martine and Sam.They are my three Christmas crackers. And, er, I wouldn’t mind pulling one of those.
(Alan watches them walk away) Now, while the girls whet our appetite, who’s going to provide us with the meat? Well, it’s aTV chef with a difference. So let’s go and see what she is up to, as we go over to my kitchen, my mock-up kitchen, to join daytimeTV’s favourite chef, the rude Fanny Thomas.
Music and applause.Alan walks aver to Fanny at kitchen station.
Fanny
(Holding a meat cleaver)
Alan, you’ve caught me with my hand wrapped around me enormous chopper. Ooh, pardon!
Alan
She’s outrageous. K. M. A. P. K.Y. F.T. Ah-haa.
Fanny
You what?
Alan
I’m saying: knowing me, Alan Partridge knowing you, FannyThomas, ah-haa.
Fanny
What for?
Alan
I’m, I’m just trying to save time.We worked out during my lastTV series that we wasted two minutes during every show saying my catchphrase so —
Fanny
Why don’t you cut the catchphrase then?
Alan
Can’t do that. I mean, that would be like JFK not saying ‘Ich bin ein Berliner’.
Fanny
But he only said that once.
Alan
Yeah, and look what happened to him.
Fanny
Alan, are you saying that if you don’t say your catchphrase, you might be assassinated by someone?
Alan
N-n-n-no, I’m not saying that. Although I can never completely eliminate the threat of assassination. I mean, I live daily under the shadow of a gunman. But saying the phrase may cause the assailant to abort the mission in the confusion. Anyway, I was, I was trying to save time. I could have been shot four or ﬁve times in the time it’s taken me to say this. I’m going to have to drop one of the guests. (Turning to production crew) Cut Zola Budd. Pay her off. Stick her in a cab.
Fanny
Shall I show you what I’m cooking?
Alan walks away.
Alan
No, there isn’t time, but — er, we’ll come back to you later. Basically, just to explain, we all know what Fanny Thomas does. She cooks lovely food and she makes innuendos. Fanny, what are you cooking?
Fanny
Oh. Roast partridge. Do you want stufﬁng?
Alan
Yes, please.
Fanny
You don’t look the type, oooh pardon!
Alan
That sort of thing. Anyway more of that later.
Fanny
You’ll be lucky!
Alan
Ooh, outrageous. Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Fanny
Ooh, reminds me of my boyfriend last night.
Alan
No, please, that’s too many. Now, on with the party. My house is open, my mock-up house, is open to all comers - (to Fanny) don’t -  from the rich man and his Rover to the poor man in his Vauxhall Corsair. So let’s see, let’s see who’s here. Can we just have you for a second?
(Approaches male guest.) Now this man looks like a clerk, or possibly someone who works in a bank, but in fact he’s my new boss.The new chief commissioning editor of BBC Television. MrTony Hayers.
Applause; Alan and Tony sit down.
Alan
K. M. A. P. K.Y.T. H. Ah-haa.
Tony
A.
Alan
Sorry?
Tony
An abbreviation for ah—haa.
Alan
No no, I, I, I don’t want you to do that. I, I, I, I don’t want anyone to abbreviate the ah-haa’s. (To the crew) By the way, when I greet anyone else on the show I want you to utter the full response, OK? Only I will be using the abbreviated form. (To camera) This is eating into the show much more than I ever intended.This was actually meant to save time. I, I think I’ll abandon it. No, no, I’ll stick with it; I’ll stick with it.Tony — er, welcome to the show. 
Before you came to the BBC you were chairman of Euro International Airlines, and whilst you were there you sacked over 2,000 people.Will you be doing the same at the BBC?
Tony
(Laughing) Well, I don’t know about that, Alan, but, if I can borrow an image from your very wonderful musical opening there, I, I hope to ring some changes.
Alan
My show is your bell. Please — please peal it. Peal my bell. I, I’m sorry. Just tell us what you’re going to do at the BBC.
Tony
All right, well, I will be looking at our output very carefully. We live in a market economy and the BBC should be no exception, that’s how I see it. So, every programme will have to justify itself, and you know, if it’s a lame duck it may have to go.
Alan
Well, let me assure you that Knowing Me, Knowing You, with Alan Partridge is a very healthy duck. With plenty of legs. So, um, so you can axe any show you like as long as you tell me I’m going to get a second series. (Pleading jokingly) Please, please tell me I’ve got a second series, boss.
Tony laughs.
Alan
(Nervously) Do you want to do that? Just
Alan
You mean the decision’s been taken? To, to clear the air? I know this is not really the, the time 
Tony
No, no, it’s not really the, the time, no.
Alan
No, you’re absolutely right. I’m sorry, I’m
Tony
Decisions are made and unmade all the time, Alan.
Alan
Right, so the decision might not have been made? Sorry, I put you on the spot there, I’m sorry. I’ve embarrassed you. Everyone’s embarrassed.
Tony
It’s gone. Gone.
Alan
What’s gone?
Tony
That moment.The moment’s gone.
Alan
Oh good! I thought you meant the second series. Now  now Christmas at home is  I’m sorry, just all that fafﬁng around, it won’t, it won’t affect my chances of a second series?
Tony
No, it, um, won’t affect the decision. The decision is pending.
Alan
What you’re saying is, if tonight’s show goes well I will get a second series? (Silence) Don’t say anything. Don’t, don’t say a word. (Silence) Now —Tony, what kind of a Christmas did you have?
Tony
Well, you know, traditional: Christmas tree, turkey, all the children together ~
Alan
Midnight mass?
Tony
No, I’m Jewish.
Alan
Are you?
Tony
Mmm.
Silence
Alan
(Searching for words) Jews are good — Jews are good. Knowing you,Tony Hayers, Jew. Knowing me, Alan Partridge — Jew-liker. By, by, by the way, by the way, all that stuff, you know, before — that’s all water under the bridge.
Tony
What the, the second series?
Alan
No, the cruciﬁxion. No, no, no I didn’t, no I didn’t. No, I meant the second series, not the cruciﬁxion, I meant the second series. Let’s talk, let’s talk about moral standards at the BBC.
Tony
I think that a lot of people now are worried about moral standards. Like the young bell ringer was saying earlier, I think people are afraid that the media can tend to —
Mary
Sorry, I wasn’t talking about the media. I meant people in general are worried by sex and violence and —
Alan
(To Mary) Listen, love, we chatted earlier, but you must remember, you, you are a peripheral guest. Right, so —
Tony
No, I think that’s a salient point. It’s worth hearing.
Alan
Good idea! Good idea! L-l-l-let’s — let’s hear her salient point. Bring her on! Come and join us. Can we get a drink for the Christian? Sorry, love,I didn’t catch your name.
Mary joins Alan and Tony on the sofa.
Mary
Mary.
Alan
Mary. Like the Virgin Mary. Are you, are you? Oh it’s none of my business.
Mary
Yes, I am actually.
Alan
Oh.Well done. Um, er — Fire away.
Mary
I’d like to ask Mr Hayers why he allows on the BBC
Alan
How did this happen?
Mary
What?
Alan
Nothing. Carry on.
Mary
Yeah, I’d like to ask Mr Hayers why he allows on the BBC the graphic depiction of, of such sordid practices as swearing, ﬁghting, masturbation —
Alan
Listen, love, sorry, if you’re going to talk about a subject, can you just avoid using —using that word.
Mary
Masturbation?
Alan
Yes, that’s the one.
Mary
Well, I do object to the graphic depiction of onanism.
Alan
What’s onanism?
Tony
It’s masturbation.
Alan
Thank you, thank you. Look, love, what’s - what’s your problem with it?
Mary
Well, I don’t like it.
Alan
Well, don’t do it.
Mary
(To Tony) I’d just like to ask you really what you intend to do about all the ﬁlth?
Alan
It’s not his fault, leave him alone!
Tony
No, no, I’d like to deal with this.
Alan
Let him speak!
Tony
The BBC has a brief, and part of that brief is to provide an opportunity for provocative, innovative, experimental drama.
Alan
Crime Watch UK.
Tony
Now obviously this can’t be to everybody’s tastes.
Alan
When the Boat Comes In. Terrible.
Tony
But if you look at it within its own context —
Mary
What I object to is that some of these programmes are nothing short of pornographic, really.
Tony
(Laughs) I think to call the BBC’s output pornographic is, if you don’t mind me saying, is being slightly hysterical.
Alan
(Laughs) Slightly hysterical, very good.
Mary
I’m not being hysterical.The BBC broadcasts pornography.
Alan
Listen, love, the BBC might be many things but porn it ain’t.The only way you can get access to hardcore pornography is if you mail off for a satellite smart card decoder. Then you’re in business. (Pause. Mary and Tony stare at Alan) Let’s talk about Christmas. Anyone got any thoughts on Christmas? Fanny?
Fanny
Me spatula’s stuck under me ﬂapjack. Oooh, pardon!
Alan
Outrageous. Hang on a sec, that, that doesn’t make sense.
Fanny
Oh, um.You know spat— No. No it doesn’t work does it?
Mary
I’d just like to say that I think it’s really nice that we’re here to celebrate Christmas, this is a Christmas show and it’s celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ and his incarnation as a human being.
Alan
No, it’s not, it’s, it’s ~ it’s Knowing Me, Knowing Yule with Alan Partridge.
Mary
And Christ.
Alan
Christ isn’t in the title. It’s, it’s not Knowing Me, Knowing You with Jesus Christ.
Mary
Do you believe in God, Alan?
Alan
Yes.
Mary
What is he?
Alan
God is -- a, a, a gas.
Tony
What does that mean?
Alan
Well, you know, I mean, he’s not a small, he’s not like sort of — Calor Gas, or something. He’s something big, you know, like, like, like oxygen, or — or carbon dioxide. No, no, that’s bad, isn’t it? No that’s the devil. I don’t really want to get bogged down in this because I haven’t thought it through quite as much as I wished I had. (Points at the door) Oh look, there’s someone at the door!
Mary
Is there?
Alan
Yes there is, there’s someone at the door! (Under his breath to someone offstage) Santa, Santa —
Door bell rings,' Alan jumps up to answer it.
Alan
Ooh let’s see who it is, let’s see who it is, oooooh. Oh, I’ve got a good feeling about this.Yes! Oooh, it’s Father Christmas!
Music and applause. Father Christmas enters
Mike
(As Santa) Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. Ho-ho-ho-ho—ho. Hoooooooo —
Alan
All right. All right, Mike, that’s enough -  Father Christmas is in actual fact none other than Mike Taylor of the Norfolk Rover dealer network. Mike, thanks very much. Thanks very much for being Father Christmas.Thank you.
Mike
It’s a pleasure, Alan.
Alan
Mike, I heard recently that Norfolk Rover are offering nought per cent ﬁnance on selected models this season. Is that true? 
Mike
Well, that’s absolutely true, Alan.The snowy weather has enabled us to freeze the prices on the whole of the Rover 600 series.
Alan
Right.
Mike
But, Alan, I understand you have a Rover Vitesse Fastback?
Alan
Yes, I do.
Mike
And what is it you particularly like about it?
Alan
Well, apart from the walnut and leather interior, which I think really does give it luxury car status, the thing that impressed me most was the overall economy. I mean 38.4 miles to the gallon at a constant 56 miles an hour, I think, makes it a class leader.
Mike
That’s absolutely right.
Alan
Father Christmas!
Applause
Mike
Ho—ho-ho-ho.
Applause. Alan walks to sofa.
Alan
Let’s meet a few of my other guests at tonight’s party. Over there that’s WPC Kate Fraser. She patrols my area.
Fanny
And I bet she takes down your particulars. Ooh pardon!
Alan
It’s getting quite tiresome now. And,and I want you to meet this character. His name is Alan.This is the man responsible for getting me where I am today. Quite literally, he’s my chauffeur.
Drum roll
Alan
(To Glen) Yeah, he did deserve one of those, yeah. Did you get here all right tonight?
Alan 2
Yeah, ﬁne. Bit of a snarl up at Shepherd’s Bush there. A lot of those Asian blokes out on the street having a party or something. What is it you call them again? Ram, ram-a-dam-a-ding-dong?
Alan
No, not now! It’s, it’s, it’s Ramadan, Alan.
Alan 2
No, no, but you said, you said ram-a-dam-a-ding-
Alan
Yeah, all right, not now, Alan. Now, the conversations, the conversations I’ve just had I think successfully recreate the conversations I have with my ordinary friends in my real home. Once again, if you’ve just tuned in, this is a mock-up. However, this is real.This is my favourite piece of furniture. (He opens up a cabinet)
It’s a genuine eighteenth-century Queen Anne wardrobe, hollowed out to include a 36-inch television with companion video. And, I’ll just unwrap this and, it’s for all those people who ask me, ‘Alan, what do you get up to at Christmas in Norwich?’ Here’s the answer: it’s Christmas in Norwich with Alan Partridge.
Music: Alan puts on a video; action turns to video footage of Norwich.
Alan voiceover
Norwich. City of mustard, and shoes. After the bombing of Dresden, Norwich became the city with the largest number of pre-reformation churches in Europe.
Footage of Alan posing in jogging gear.
Alan voiceover
I love to jog around Norwich, but I can still make calls to the ofﬁce via my digital telecom headset communicator.
Views of Norwich
Alan voiceover
Norwich Cathedral is breathtaking, and its beautiful golden stone cloisters are the perfect place to go jogging every morning, whilst making those last—minute budget decisions.
Footage of Alan jogging, speaking on hands-free mobile.
300 K, 300 K or we take it to Sky. If Raquel Welch doesn’t want to stay in a Trusthouse Forte, then we’ll stick her at a youth hostel and see if she likes that.
Views of Norwich
Alan voiceover
Four hundred years ago, this serenity was shattered by a bloody big ﬁght between the townsfolk and the cathedral monks. Six friars were beheaded on this site, which is now a Dorothy Perkins.The blood runs deep. Many say the ghosts of that carnage still haunt the town square. (Camera shakesviolently)
Footage of Alan driving.
Alan voiceover
It’s three days before Christmas, and I drive the Rover Vitesse Fastback to the Royal Norwich Hospital.
Alan parks and removes a box from the boot of his car.
Alan
But I can park here. I’ve got special permission because I’m distributing a large box of second-hand toys to the sick children.
Alan in the children ’s ward.
Alan
(To children) Hello. I’m Alan Partridge.
Alan voiceover
I love kids.The things they say.
Alan
(To children) There you go. Right, let’s have a toy. It’s second-hand, but it’s in quite good condition.Well, basically shop-soiled, you know, but it is, it is, as you can see, it’s still in pretty good condition.There’s nothing technically wrong with it. Does anyone watch my show? Knowing me, Kn0wing You with Alan Partridge? No? No?
Children all shake their heads.
Child
No.
Alan
No? No one knows it? Does anyone —
Child
I’ve never heard of you.
Alan
You’ve never heard of me?
Child
No.
Alan
Right. It’s very rude to say that actually. In the studio, well basically what it is is a building, is an enormous mock-up of my house! In a studio. It’s great. I mean, the budget is about two eight, two eighty K. Er, I don’t believe you are familiar withTV budgets, are you? (Pause) Are you looking forward to Christmas?
Child
Yeah.
Silence. Alan looks around and pats a girl on the head.
Alan
(Singing) Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way.
Alan sitting in his car.
Alan
The good thing about the automatic transmission on these things is that you don’t have to do those tricky hill starts. Right, now I just hit the gas and away we go. (Drives off)
Footage of Alan entering Tandy ’s.
Alan voiceover
It’s been a busy few days.What better way to unwind than at Tandy’s. I’ve got a special arrangement with their Norwich branch, who let me into their store after they’re closed to the general public. If you are a well-known celebrity, Christmas shopping can be an absolute nightmare. So, it’s always nice to mooch around without fear of being threatened or pick pocketed.
(Touches a CD player) Nice action.Very nice action.
(Presses eject button on CD player)
Mm, that is a very nice action.
(Presses eject again) It’s a, it’s a quality action.
(Walks away) I’ve got one though.
(Picks up a Traffic Master)
Right. Aaah,Trafﬁc Master. Can these be dash-mounted?
Assistant
(Holding lots of boxes) Yeah, that will stand up.
Alan
Excellent, excellent. It’s like Crackerjack this, isn’t it, all these presents - (Alan attempts to put the Traﬂic Master on top of the assistant’s pile, but drops it) Ooh, Jesus Christ! Sorry — sorry.
Footage of Alan looking at telephones.
Alan voiceover
It’s at times like these, simply browsing among electrical goods at Tandy’s, that I know who I truly am. I’m Alan Partridge. 
Cut to Alan walking towards his house door; turns to camera.
Alan
Well, it’s Christmas Eve, all the good deeds are done. And the Rover’s in the garage along with the Espace, and the Toyota Starlet, a little run-around for Denise when she’s home. Um, parked there safely in the garage, it’s a triple garage, it’s quite large. We’ll show you a cutaway of that, now. (Shot of a three-door garage) I’m about to go into the house and tuck into a turkey. That’s all from me.You can’t come in my house, it’s private, but I will see you later in the mock-up. Goodnight. And Merry Christmas.
Alan trips over doormat. Camera closes in.
Alan
Seriously, seriously, a bit of privacy. Thanks a lot. Goodnight.
(Steps inside, closes front door and peers through window at camera.)
Back to studio; applause.
Alan
(With his mouth full) You caught me chomping on a mince pie. Do they taste a bit off? A bit sort of minty, sort of fermented? Everyone, the mince pies are off. Don’t eat the mince pies.Tony, I hope you’re going to sort out the BBC catering?
Tony
I’ll make it my top priority, Alan. Although, there are other things that I will be addressing —
Alan
Sorry, sorry, can I just interrupt you there? Mary, can I ask you to eat less noisily. (Alan gets up and puts microphone to Mary ’s mouth) I, I’m not being rude but if I, if I hold my microphone close to your mouth.. now chew 
(Chewing noises over mic)
Yes, you see now, that, that’s what people are hearing at home, you see? I, I’m not being rude, it’s just that you, you sound like a pig. So,Tony 
Tony
Yes, there are other things apart from catering that I will be looking into. Um, for example, product placement.
Mary
What’s product placement?
Tony
It’s when a presenter abuses his or her position to advertise a speciﬁc product. I see that as a severe breach of contract and it’ll be punished with instant dismissal. 
Father Christmas enters, handing a present to Tony.
Mike
Ho-ho-ho, Merry Christmas,Tony.
Tony
Oh thanks, a little present, thank you.
Tony starts unwrapping present.
Alan
Don’t open that now. Don’t open that now. You don’t have to open that now.
Mary
What is it?
Tony unwraps a miniature car.
Tony
Oh. It’s a Rover.
Mike
It was on special offer. It was last —
Alan
Mike, Mike, Mike, not now. Not now, Mike. I’m going to have some mulled wine.
Glen. Glen, do you want some mulled wine?
Glen
No thanks, Alan, I’m ﬁne.
Alan
Right. Does your friend Andy want some?
Andy
No, I’m ﬁne, thanks.
Glen
No, Andy’s ﬁne.
Alan
Right, well, if he wants some, you know, you just let me know, all right?
Alan 2
I’ll have some,Al.
Alan
Get your own.
Alan 2
Ram-a-dam—a-ding-dong.
Alan
Yeah. (Turns to hostess) Oh, hello again. Hello. How are you? All right? I’m looking for the mulled wine. Oh, oh, Boasters.Yeah, (bites into one) mm, mm. Quite nice, these. Have you had a Boaster? You should have one yourself. They’re quite interesting, Boasters. I mean, three years ago, Hob Nobs were probably the number one biscuit. I mean, it was digestives, then Hob Nobs came along and blew them into the weeds. And so I mean, you know, until recently in the oatmeal kingdom, Hob Nobs ruled the biscuit roost. But  I mean, you know, then Boasters came along. 
I would love to have been a ﬂy on the wall at the Hob Nob factory when Boasters, when Boasters hit the streets. I’m not implying that there are ﬂies, by the way I’m not, I’m not implying that ﬂies are on the wall at a Hob Nob factory. I was talking about hypothetical ﬂies. But on the real Hob Nob wall. I’m loving this chat with you.You’re doing very well; I’ve been watching you.
(Waitress walks away. Alan turns to camera)
Don’t forget, Mick Hucknall coming up later on, but time now for my star guest, erm, apart from Mick Hucknall. That’s contractual. Now, if you’ve been reading your Radio Times, you may be expecting Raquel Welch at this point. She cancelled, this afternoon. I can’t say anything beyond that. Five o’ clock she cancelled. However, we’ve got something better, I think. 
We’ve got two very lovely golfers who are going to step into Raquel’s shoes. One in each. The story has touched the nation. She used to be his caddy, and now he is her caddy. Why? You will see for yourself as I introduce a married pair of top professional golﬁng people, Liz and Gordon Heron.
Music and applause. Liz and Gordon enter. Liz pushes Gordon down a ramp in his wheelchair.
Alan
Watch, watch the Queen Anne cabinet. Watch Glen’s friend Andy.You better not hit him. In you go. If you just want to park in there. Great. Lovely.You’ll be doing three-point turns next. K. M. A. P. K.Y. Gordon and Liz Heron, ah-haa.
Gordon and Liz
Ah-haa. (Liz laughs a high-pitched squeaky giggle)
Alan
That’s a nice laugh. It sounds a bit like a big bird, doesn’t it?
Liz
(Laughs)
Alan
Yeah, it really does. Now, as I said, your story is a Christmas fairy tale isn’t it? You’re Gordon Hansel and Liz Gretel. Allow me if you will to be Hans Christian Alan Partridgeson.
Applause.Alan picks up a book and pretends to read from it.
‘Once upon a time in November I993, a young golfer was on the eighteenth hole. He was about to putt his way to victory in the Colgate Cup. As his flaxen hair blew in the wind, it started to rain. And then, disaster. A bolt of lightning struck him down and he was paralysed.’ (Turns to Gordon) How did that feel?
Gordon
It sort of felt, it felt a bit like (yells and screams).
Liz and Gordon laugh.
Alan
Wonderful. Wonderful.Wha-w—w-w-w—w-what a lovely sense of humour. Anyway, if I can just, just ﬁnish the fairy story.
(Alan pretends to continue reading from book)
‘Gordon the golfer didn’t lie down like a dog and become a bitter and twisted hateful lunatic. He picked himself up, and in the tradition of many other heroic disabled people — Lord Nelson, Napoleon, Ironside, Daniel  Daniel Day Lewis, Captain Hook and Dave Allen — he became Liz’s golﬁng coach and caddy, in a special motorized cart. 
And two years later, Liz Gretel putted her way to glory in the Colgate Cup. And just last week she was named Ladies Sports Personality of the year by the readers of SHE magazine.The End.’ It’s a fairy story. Gordon, you were robbed of the use of your legs. In a sense, you were a victim of a leg thief. If you could speak to that leg thief now, what would you say?
Gordon
Well, I suppose I’d say to him, you know, ‘Why didn’t you pick on someone who had more legs than they need?’
Alan
A centipede.
Gordon
Exactly, a centipede with ninety-eight legs could still get about.
Liz
What about a millipede? A millipede’s got a million legs.
Gordon
No, a thousand.
Liz
What’s got a million legs then?
Gordon
A thousand millipedes.
Alan
It, it doesn’t seem fair, does it, the way that God gives some things a thousand legs? I mean, I really can’t believe a millipede has the intelligence to appreciate just how lucky it is. And then God gives other things, like people, only two legs.
Liz
Well, God’s probably got lots of legs himself.
Alan
Yeah, except God’s a gas. Probably got gas legs.That, that’d make sense, yes. Now, Liz.Lovely Liz. Much as I respect professional golfers, I have to say I do ﬁnd the sport incredibly dull. Is it?
Liz
Ooh, isn’t he rude? No, golf ’s a great sport. It’s actually one of the world’s most traditional sports because it dates back to King Henry VIII. Now he was the fat king with the six wives, do you remember, lucky bloke (laughs). He used to play croquet on the village green outside Buckingham Palace, because in them days London was like a sort of big village. Um, I think they called it Londinium. 
(Alan looks bored. He puffs out his cheeks) And anyway, so through the centuries the sticks became the golf clubs that we know and the balls became smaller. They became the golf balls that we know and love. So you see, it’s a very traditional and exciting sport, and dull it is not.
Alan
(Uninterested) Hmm. Gordon, do you get out much?
Gordon
When I can.
Alan
I mean, do you have any hobbies, now you have all this time on your hands?
Gordon
Yeah, I like, like making maps.
Alan
Oh what, Ordnance Survey maps, A to Zs, what 
Gordon
No, maps of imaginary places, you know.
Alan
What do you mean?
Gordon smiles to himself and draws images with his hands.
Gordon
I create them, you know, like a mountain or a pond, maybe a little stream.
Alan
Right. I mean do, do you hang them on the wall?
Gordon
No, I don’t draw them.They are in my head, they’re imaginary.
Alan
Right. Are, are they any use?
Gordon
Not really.
Alan
Good. Well, well, I’d love to have a walk round your head sometime. I’m sure it’s very picturesque.
Gordon
No, you can’t, it’s private.
Alan
All right. I wasn’t going to book an appointment.
Liz laughs.
Alan
Liz, Liz. Lovely Liz with your lovely bird laugh. Um, now in the past, before the (makes lightning—striking noise) I, I believe Gordon was a bit of a ladies’ man. In fact he was, he was known quite simply as randy Gordon.
Liz
That’s right. Well, now I like to call him Chairman Mao. I say, ‘Morning Chairman Mao.’
Alan
(Laughs) Is he a communist?
Gordon
No, I’m in a wheelchair.
Alan
Yes, of course, chairman Mao. I’m sorry. Yes, um, right, well, Gordon, in the past, you know before the (makes lightning noise), you, you, I mean, what I mean is, do you still have an eye for the fairer sex?
Gordon
(Laughing) Oh yes, still chase the ladies. But I stop when they get to the stairs.
Liz laughs.
Alan
Yes. A bit like a Dalek. Can’t, can’t go up the stairs. I’m not, I’m not comparing you, I’m not comparing you to a Dalek.You’re, you’re more like Davros, the leader of the Daleks.You’re half-human half—Da. .. I’m sorry, I’m deeply sorry, I’m, I’m in the, I’m sorry. Now you’re married to Liz, there’s no escaping that. Um, but, in the words of Dr Hook, when you’re in love with a beautiful woman, you watch your friends. Do you watch your friends?
Liz
Was Dr Hook a real doctor?
Alan
Do you know, I’ve absolutely no idea? (Turns to production crew) Can we ﬁnd out? Can we ﬁnd out if Dr Hook was a fully qualiﬁed GP? By the end of the show? Yeah, ﬁne, they’ll let us know.
Gordon points to a painting on the wall.
Gordon
Is this you, Alan?
Alan jumps up to the picture and points proudly.
Alan
Yes. Now that, this is a portrait I commissioned by a local Norwich artist, David Morton. He has done quite a few famous people. He did Sebastian Coe, the celebrity Conservative runner. And, uh, but —
Liz
I think your mouth looks a little bit big.
Alan
Yes, that’s intentional.That’s intended. He takes the facet of his subject which is most signiﬁcant, and then exaggerates it. So with me I’m obviously a professional chatter. I don’t know what I’d do if my mouth was struck by lightning, I have to say.
Gordon
Sure you can ﬁnd another hole to talk through.
Liz laughs.
Alan
Lovely, lov-lovely sense of humour. 
Alan kicks Gordon ’s wheelchair as he walks past.
Alan
You should put the brakes on that. Or drop anchor, whatever you do.
Liz
It’s nice that you’ve got all these ramps everywhere for us.
Alan
Do you like those? I mean, I’ve installed them for you in my mock-up home. I don’t have, actually have ramps in my real home, you know, but ...because, well frankly I don’t actually know that many disabled people. But, if you and I were to become friends then, you know, I would happily purchase a set.
Gordon
Don’t get your chequebook out just yet, Alan.
Alan
No, I would. It’s the least I could do. You know. I mean it would be nice if you chipped in, you know, made a contribution. I mean, you would be the major user. I’m sorry, I would fund them exclusively, I’m sorry. If we were friends. Right now, it, it says here ‘announcement’.What’s that about?
Liz
Oh, that’s me. I’m pregnant! Ladies and gentlemen, in ﬁve months I shall be giving birth to a little baby Heron. ( Liz and Gordon hold hands)
Alan
Not literally, that would be hideous. But congratulations. Congratulations.
Gordon
Yes, I used to say she caddied me clubs, now I say she’s caddying me baby.
Alan
Well, congratulations and best wishes to both of you. And a special congratulations to, to you, Gordon.Well done.
Alan touches Gordon ’s arm.
Gordon
What do you mean?
Alan
Well, I was just saying, you know, well done. Best, good wishes.
Gordon
I can have sex.
Alan
Yes, I know. Look I’m not saying —
Gordon
I can still shag.
Alan
Please — it’s Christmas.
Gordon
(talking over Alan ’s protestations) Just because I’m in a wheelchair doesn’t mean that I don’t feel sexual desire any more. I actually feel more sexual desire now, ever since I’ve been in a wheelchair than before. I’m a better lover as well, aren’t I?
Alan
Please, I don’t —
Gordon
But people don’t want to talk about it.They don’t want to hear about people feeling lust because they’re disabled —
Alan
Please! Please!
Gordon
Don’t give me (mimicking Alan) ‘please, please’ —
Alan
Look, look, I, I, I —
Gordon
La-la-la —
Alan
(Exasperated) Don’t do  Listen, I’m on your side! I had those wheelchair ramps installed at three hours’ notice. Do you know something, there’s no disabled access at the Strand Theatre tonight, because we’ve got the ramps. If you’re in a wheelchair and you want to see The Buddy Holly Story tonight, you can forget it because of you. ( Points ﬁercely at Gordon)
This, this, this lot didn’t want to have you on the show. They said you’d be a ﬁre hazard. I’ve got a ﬁre extinguisher under my chair in case you go off.
Liz laughs.
Alan
Anyway. Thank you for sharing your fairy story. Stay around, enjoy some mulled wine. Ladies and gentlemen, Gordon and Liz Heron, a fairy story.
Applause; Alan walks into another room.
Alan
Now — now I, now I know what you’re saying.You are saying to yourselves ‘Alan, this show is a success. Granted there were one or two hiccups, but we’re sure they can be ironed out if this show went to a second series.’ I hope you’re listening, Tony, this, this is the viewers speaking. ‘However, Alan,’ you’re saying, ‘you are a spiv.You’re a rip-off merchant.You say it’s a Christmas special but you haven’t even pulled a cracker.’ And to those people I say ‘Right, bring on the biggest Christmas cracker in the world!’
Music; giant cracker with Alan ’s face on the side is wheeled on by studio crew.
Alan
The cracker is -— the cracker is ﬁve feet high —
Applause
Alan
The cracker is ﬁve feet high, the height of a large cow. And it’s, it’s twenty-three feet long. That’s about the length of a small Chinese restaurant. Our, our thanks for construction go to Hilary Simpson of White City Pyrotechnics.
Applause. Shot of Hilary acknowledging applause.
Alan
Thank you, Hilary. Hilary, of course, can be a man’s name, just like Lesley or Vivian. So, so thank you, sir, for donating your services for free.This a charity pull. Fanny, I ask you not to comment. Inside the cracker is a kidney dialysis machine. If we break the World record, the dialysis machine will be winging its way to the Royal Children’s Hospital in Norwich, and here to pull the cracker are the Royal Plymouth Sea Cadets.
‘Music; cadets march onstage.
Alan
Now, we were going to have Zola Budd to blow the whistle. She can’t do that, obviously, so Gordon, perhaps you’d like to join me and blow the whistle instead. In your own time. On your marks, get set (blows whistle) .The force required to split the cracker is the equivalent of a Land Rover winching a small sapling up from its root. It’s — Cracker ignites as cadets pull each end.
Alan
Right, the, the cracker’s on ﬁre! Abort the pull! Abort the pull! Get Gordon! Where’s the ﬁre extinguisher?
Gordon
It’s under your chair, Alan.
Alan
It’s under a chair! It’s under my chair; it’s under his chair!
Crew extinguish ﬁre.
Alan
Put my face out! Put my face out! Ladies and gentlemen.We, we have had a cracker ﬁre in the studio.Yes, I’m being told the split in the cracker does not constitute a complete snap, and we haven’t broken the world record. I suppose the lesson to be learnt from this is, don’t ever get your props and special effects made byWhite City Pyrotechnics. Because, and I’m quite happy to go on record with this, White City Pyrotechnics are run by twits. (Points at Hilary) And there’s one over there.There he is. And he’s got a girl’s name. And he makes pyrotechnics like a girl.
Mike enters and picks up the joke from the giant cracker.
Mike
Shall I do the joke, Alan?
Alan
No, don’t do the joke, Father Christmas.
Liz
Yeah, go on, Father Christmas, give us all a giggle. (Laughs)
Mike
What make of car goes ‘woof woof’?
Tony
Is it a Rover?
Alan
Mike, please, Mike. Mike, Mike, please. Help me out here, please, please. -
Mike
No, it’s not a Rover. It’s a Vauxhall Labrador.
Alan
(Laughs) Oh, hilarious.
Gordon
There’s no such car.
Alan
Yes, yes there is. My dad had one in the sixties, we had great times in theVauxhall Labrador. Right, can we clear this up? Well, while they’re clearing up that mess, let’s have some breakfast bar chat. A new section of the show.What would you like to talk about?
Mary
What’s going to happen about that dialysis machine?
Alan
Um, it will just go back to the suppliers.
Liz
How much does a dialysis machine cost?
Alan
About £20,000.
Mary
Oh. And how much does this programme cost?
Alan
That’s none of your business, that’s conﬁdential information.
Tony
£300,000.
Alan .
That’s correct, yes.
Gordon
So you could have got fourteen dialysis machines instead of making this programme.
Alan
I think if you asked the British public whether they would prefer fourteen kidney dialysis machines or an Alan Partridge Christmas special, the answer would be pretty unanimous, wouldn’t it,Tony?
Tony
Yes, I think it would.
Alan
Thank you. And thanks, thanks to everyone for a very entertaining breakfast bar chat. Quite a good section, that. That could be a regular feature in my show if, if, we got a second series.
Music; Alan lip-synchs to a song he has pre-recorded.
Alan
On the ﬁrst day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a Partridge in a pear tree. On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two turtledoves, and a Partridge in a pear tree.That’s me. On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, three French hens, two turtledoves —
People dressed as doves and hens descend from ceiling on ropes.
Alan stops singing to backing track and points at giant cracker.
Alan
This should have been, this should have been moved (Singing) ~ Alan Partridge in a pear tree. This should have been moved. Can we, can some — (Singing) On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, four calling birds, three French hens (Backing track continues) Can we just stop, just cut the music! This is, we can’t do this — (Backing track) — two turtledoves, Alan Partridge in a pear tree.
Alan helps a bird down from a rope.
Alan
Are you all right? Keep ﬂapping, it looks good.There we go. We got you there; I’ve got you there. I’m just going to put this turtledove down. I’m sorry; this is the French, French hens  Are you all right there? You don’t have to ﬂap any more, love, it’s OK. Come down. I just want to keep you away from the dialysis machine. I don’t want you to damage it. It’s got to go back to the suppliers.
(Alan points to cracker)
This really should have been cleared, it should have been cleared. I, I’m sorry, I’ve had to abandon my big number, which is shame because there’s still twenty-eight people backstage in funny costumes that were going to come on and dance. But, what the heck.The show, the show’s still going well and I believe that. Let’s go back to Fanny Thomas and her Christmas partridge.
Music
Fanny
Well now, Alan, I’ve basted the bird now, now what we need to get sorted out is the trimmings. Now I don’t know about you, but there’s nothing I love more than a hot spicy stuffing. Ooh pardon! Anyway, I’d like you to help me out now, right, by grasping this (hands pepper mill to Alan) very ﬁrmly and giving the top a good hard tug.
Alan
What does your mother think of you?
Fanny
Very proud.
Alan
Very proud. Go on, say something about proud now.
Fanny
Sorry?
Alan
You know, about standing proud or something.
Fanny
I don’t get it.
Alan
You know, I mean, like a, like a man’s member or something. I don’t know. I mean I don’t want to encourage you; I just, I’m just surprised you missed that one, that’s all.
Fanny
I don’t know what you mean. Go on, (points at peppermill) twist it, twist it.
Alan
It’s quite stiff.
Fanny
That’s what they all say. Ooh pardon! No, no, leave it alone, leave it alone. Now, Alan, look, here’s the stuffing, right? And what I want you to do is grab a great big ﬁstful.
Alan grabs a handful of stuffing and begins to stuff the turkey.
Fanny
Ooh, he’s not shy! Now, stick it right up, go on. Stick it right up; go on, that’s it. Further. Further.
Liz and Gordon laugh.
Fanny
(Touching her mouth provocatively as she watches Alan) Right up to the neck.
Alan
(Pointing at Fanny) Now that’s enough!
Fanny
It’s rude to point, Alan. No, I’m not talking about your ﬁnger. Ooh, pardon!
Alan
I’m not, I am not aroused.
Fanny
Ooh. Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
Alan
Oh, put a cork in it!
Fanny
Oh well, I tried it but it doesn’t help.
Alan
Knock it on the head.
Fanny
Oooh. I didn’t know you were into the rough stuff, honestly. It’s enough to make a girl blush.
Alan
You’re, you’re not a girl.You’re not a girl, are you? Your name’s PeterWillis, you’re a failed disc jockey who dresses up as a woman for cheap laughs.
Fanny removes wig and resumes male role.
Pulls Alan ’s face close to his.
Fanny
Right, this is Peter, right? Now what do you want? Do you Want Peter, or do you want Fanny?
Alan
Fa-Fanny, I want Fanny.
Fanny replaces wig and reverts to female voice.
Fanny
Now I think you pulled out too soon. Go on, pop it back in.That’s right.
Gordon
Oi, Alan, what do you do for an encore? Shag a robin? (Laughs)
Alan swings towards Gordon and punches him, with turkey still intact on his hand. He then punches Tony with the turkey. 
Tony gets a nosebleed.
Alan
(Desperately) I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I need help. I’ll get help. Listen, my wife left me on Christmas Eve. I spent Christmas Day all on my own here.Well, not here, this is a mock-up.
Tony
This is a disgrace. I’m going to make sure you never, never work on television again!
Alan 
Please, please don’t take my chat away from me. Is there anything I can say or do that will make you change your mind?
Tony
No (Pause)
Alan punches Tony again with the turkey, then turns and gestures to Mary.
Alan
Do you want some, eh? l’m handy! I’m handy! (To Mary) Do you want some?
Mary
No thank you.
Alan turns to Liz.
Alan
What about you, Mrs Potter? Do you want some, big bird? Eh?
Alan turns to cameras, shaken.
Arrrggghhhhh! I will never work in broadcasting again. And on that bombshell, it’s time for me, Alan Partridge, to say Knowing Me, Alan Partridge, Knowing Yule, wherever you are, and who’st  is who’st a word, I don’t know? And, um, and I have just been told that Dr Hook is not a qualiﬁed medical doctor. Er, happy Christmas, and, oh, and here’s Mick Hucknall to sing ‘Ding Dong Merrily on High’, ah-haaaaaaaa!
Applause. Mick Hucknall enters.
Mick Hucknall
(Sings) Ding Dong Merrily On High
Alan walks dejectedly across the screen, turkey still on hand.
CLOSING TITLES
PROGRAMME ENDS
3 seconds black
Footage ofAlan in country gear, walking through the countryside.
Alan
Hi, I’m Alan Partridge. I’m a busy man. One day I can be recording aTV show, and the next I can be shuttling up to Harrogate to host a debt-motivated weekend for the Bostik sales force. But when I go back to Norwich, I like to relax by rambling. I switch off my mobile phone, put my pager on mute, and enjoy the stillness of the Norfolk countryside.
Music and title:Christmas Ramble with Alan Partridge.
Alan voiceover
I always like to go for a walk on Christmas morning for two to three hours. Alone. I do ask the others. My wife Carole, son Fernando — he’s at Cambridge — and Denise, but they always make their excuses. It’s as if they know that I, Alan Partridge, require solitude. So I hop in the car and hop along the A47 to Swaffham. 
Swaffham was our stalking ground when we were young.We’d all pile into the back of a friends mustard-coloured Triumph Dolomite and we’d head over to Swaffham and have a picnic. And then drive home again. Great days. And not just Swaffham, I don’t want Swaffham to get all the credit, it was the whole area. I’m talking about North Pickenham, Necton, Great Palgrave, Spall, we even went as far as EastWalton. I mean, there was no stopping us.There’s a caravan site down there. It’s, it’s quite a good one.There’s not gypsies, I mean there’s proper toilets and proper amenities.
Alan in aﬁeld, talking to camera.
We’re, we’re actually on the grounds of Mike Oldﬁeld’s country estate.We’re not actually on his ground, this is common ground.That’s Mr Oldﬁeld’s, over there (points with his walking stick). Hergest Ridge, the name of one of his albums.We did ask Mr Oldﬁeld if we could ﬁlm there but he said, being Christmas he’d want a bit of privacy. That’s understandable. It would have been nice, you know. Bit small-minded really, a bit nasty. Anyway, on with the ramble. Can’t go over there, got to go over there.
Alan voiceover
Oldﬁeld hosts a celebrity clay—pigeon shoot every Christmas. He invites round Paul Eddington, Adam Faith, Danny Baker, Moira Stewart, Edward Heath and Mr Motivator. And Francis Rossi of Status Quo. 
Footage of Alan skimming stones across river.
Alan
That was my watch! Ha ha! I just lost my blooming watch. I-Ia! Actually keep that bit in; it, it’s nice. It gives it a human touch. Nice. Keep it in.
Alan voiceover
I used to come here as a child on my own. I would skim stones. On one occasion I hit a duck and it disappeared beneath the water. To this day I don’t know whether it was dead or just badly concussed. I love birds and I like to come here and make bird noises. (Makes bird noises towards treetops) I’m no Dr Doolittle, but there are times when I think birds are the only ones I can really talk to. Maybe that’s because I’m a partridge. Alan Partridge.
Footage of Alan walking through leaves.
Talks to camera.
Alan
Someone should clean up these leaves. In the same way that I’m having a Christmas ramble, two thousand years ago the holy family had a ramble from Nazareth to Bethlehem. In much the same way that I’m having a ramble from Norwich to Swaffham, um, although I’m not comparing myself with Iesus. I don’t want to get bogged down in that whole controversy again. Right? So I’m not Jesus. And I want to make that absolutely clear, right? I am not Iesus.
General views of countryside.
Alan voiceover
It’s beautiful here.The nearest shop is over two miles away.You know, which is a problem. Erm, somebody suggested building a small snack bar, but there was a meeting at Swaffham village hall and the planning people said it would spoil the beauty of the area. So, I suggested a compromise, which was to be a series of vending machines placed in hedges.They could give out Kit-Kats, Mars bars, chunky soup, slices of ham, 5-Alives, but, er, they voted it down. So, you’ve just got to come prepared. I pack a ﬁnger of fudge — about the size of a slim panatella.
Alan leans on a gate and talks to camera.
Alan
I used to, er, come here when I was at East Anglia Polytechnic. Erm, they weren’t particularly happy days, but, er, I’d come down here on my own.Transistor, sing my favourite, er, pop songs.
(Sings) I’m a one-man band Nobody seems to understand Is there anybody out there who’ll lend me a hand? (Morosely) I’m a one-man band.
Alan turns from the camera and retreats across ﬁeld.
(Upset) Thank you for joining me on a Christmas ramble with Alan Partridge, gonna go, I’m gonna go back to my wife now. Thank you. Bye bye.
Closing music.