Text Interviews and Features with Alan

[Miguel Wilkins]

Alan Partridge on why he's grateful to Nigel Farage
Alan Partridge, broadcaster, patriot and hostage negotiator, speaks out about UKIP and the real conspiracy about Operation Yewtree
Catherine Gee
Daily Telegraph (tory rag)
2013

After rescuing North Norfolk Digital from a serious hostage crisis, new hero Alan Partridge has had a few months to reflect on his actions. As Alpha Papa, the accout of his ordeal, is released on DVD, we ask Partridge some hard-hitting questions.

What advice would you give to another DJ faced with a hostage crisis?
"Quit the jabbering." By their very nature DJs find it hard to button it, but give it too much of this [does a talky-talky gesture with left hand] and an erratic gunman is going to shove his rifle in your goolies in pretty short order.

If they were to make a film of what happened at North Norfolk Digital, who would play you?
If he can strip out some of the more unsavoury elements of his persona, I'd like to see what Rupert Everett could do with the role.

What has been the pinnacle of your career to date?
My current role as a local radio D-Jock. Yes, I used to have my own prime-time BBC TV chattershow, watched by millions, with an interview style that I would describe as "like Parky but not as boring", but who cares? Radio is a much more wholesome medium. My listeners sometimes send me cake. The best I'd get in my TV days were a few pairs of women's knickers, and I could hardly eat those! I could hardly eat knickers! That's horrible!

You were a mainstay of the BBC in the Eighties and early Nineties. Are you shocked by recent revelations?
I think the thing I'm most intrigued by is the police's choice of the name Yewtree. At first I assumed it was a clever code to hint at the fact they were after a trio of Dublin-based broadcasters ("yew tree" being the Irish way of saying "you three"). Then I realised this was one of the worst theories I'd ever developed. So instead I began to look more closely at the characteristics of the yewtree itself, Taxus baccata. What was it about this tree, whose wood has been the material of choice for longbow-making since Medieval times, that seemed such a good fit for an investigation of this kind? Keen to know more I put several calls into both Monty Don and Alan Titchmarsh, though mainly to Monty Don as I think Titch has changed his number. Nothing back yet but I await their responses with some interest. In fact if either of you are reading this now, do pick up the phone, I'd be happy for you to reverse the charges.

What would you be doing if you weren't a broadcaster?
Definitely not charity work. I used to man the phones for The Donkey Sanctuary (ex-wife had soft spot for donkeys) and quickly came to the conclusion that do-gooders are bozos. No, if I wasn't in broadcasting I'd most likely have made between eight and ten million pounds in business. I like the idea of some form of consulting, because it's basically just speaking. It's also a line of work that would weatherproof me from the risk of having to deal with anyone who didn't have a degree.

Who is your inspiration?
I'm not going to rattle off a list of local heroes from our bloated public sector because you won't have heard of them and they don't inspire me. Instead, I choose Wernher von Braun. The Nazi rocket scientist was reviled for raining V-2s on Britain in the Second World War but proved himself to be a good egg by helping man build a rocket to the moon. This reputation trajectory provides hope and succour to a broadcaster who shot a man dead on live television (Alan Partridge).

Nick Grimshaw's breakfast show ratings have plummeted. What would you do to save the show?
What you'd call "listener hemorrhage", I call "stakeholder honing". I've broadcast to audiences of under 200 during half-term holidays but the quality of that audience was absolutely exceptional. Then again, whether Nick can say the same about people who say "totes" instead of "totally" is doubtful.

Are you a fan of Nigel Farage and UKIP?
I don't think it's appropriate to discuss politics in the run-up to Christmas. But suffice to say, on Christmas morn, I'll be breakfasting on bacon, sausage and eggs rather than croissants and flaps of cold meat. We have one man to thank for that. And to suggest that him sharing initials with a violent far-right movement is anything other than coincidence is pure cattles–t.

If you had to interview God on North Norfolk Digital, what would be your opening question?
"If I sneeze repeatedly and my assistant says 'bless you' after every single sneeze, do you bless me each time or do you just bless me the first time and then ignore the subsequent requests?" Like all guests, God would then be given the opportunity to request any record (that we have). If there was time, I'd also ask him to finally adjudicate on Israel/Palestine because it's getting pretty tiresome now.

When will you be back on BBC TV?
God knows! Another question for Him, actually.

[Miguel Wilkins]

How I'll be spending Christmas
Alan Partridge
The Metro
19 Dec 2013

What of the twelve days of Christmas? For me, the biggie is always Christmas Day (often referred to as 'Xmas Day'). I hate missing out on any of the action so always set my alarm for 10am. I tend to begin proceedings with a period of quiet reflection, either as I lie alone in bed or as I sit on the toilet (also alone). In the rush to exchange material possessions it's easy to forget the origin of the celebration. Namely, the birth of a very special baby Jew. But it's his Mummy I like to dwell upon. Poor Mary, in an age before epidurals, or indeed any form of anesthetic, howling into the night like an injured wolf or an uninjured jackal, begging for the agony to end, ideally before she succumbed to infection from the animal excreta that was bound to have littered the stable block where she lay. Then I tend to just have a sausage butty.

But really Christmas Day is all about the extravagant lunch. Try-hard friends of mine have started to snub turkey in favour of goose or duck, like they're in the 1850s. I'm surprised they don't have a clothes mangle and a pale aunt who coughs blood into a hanky! No, turkey is the best choice for a modern Christmas lunch. While high in sodium, it's a rich source of protein and typically has a higher ratio of less fatty white meat to dark meat (around 70:30). The flesh also provides plenty of iron, zinc, potassium and phosphorus as well as selenium, which is essential for thyroid hormone metabolism. But have what you want.

After lunch, I'll put the dirty crockery back onto the tray and leave it outside the front door for my assistant to collect. Personally I get a real buzz from spending Boxing Day alone. My family and friends must be well aware of this because they never call. I like to get the decorations packed away and back up the loft by noon. Then I focus on catching up on all those chores that never got done the previous year. Re-grouting the bathroom, updating my pre-recorded voicemail message, or just pulling out the tweezers and having a nasal spring clean. Perfick.

Over Christmas Day and Boxing Day I tend to gain about ten pounds, so the days leading up to New Year's Eve are all about losing that weight. Each morning I'll jog to my local gym then, as I'm not a member, jog back again. It's good exercise, and totally free of charge. I then spend an hour or so sat in my car with the heaters on. I'll comfortably sweat out a pound or two per session. It means my car seat reeks of sweat until about June but it's a price well worth paying. As either Kate Moss or Kate Winslet once said (internet not working at the moment), 'Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.' Actually, thinking about it, it was probably Kate Moss.

I also dramatically slash my food intake, surviving on two super-food smoothies a day (coconut water, acai berries, raw cacao, goji berries, spirulina and leftover turkey). It's a grueling regime so the key is to make sure you stay motivated. I'll do this by making sure I weigh myself roughly every fifteen minutes. Try to get the most favourable weight by stripping naked and not standing on the scales for too long. But sometimes of course you just have to be brutally honest. For me that means getting to December 30 and realising my diet never works, before reaching for the plastic tubing in the garage and making preparations for my annual Nescafe enema. Painful, but necessary.

Tradition dictates that December 31 presages the transition from one year to the next. I tend to spend the afternoon working out which days in the following year have some kind of numerical significance. For example, in 1978 I'd circle June 5 because that would be written as 5/6/78 – and at 12.34 I'd look at my watch and have a pretty sweet nod to myself. Next year bears a few of these 'red number days'. November 10 might be one: 10/11, 12:13, '14. But I've had to put the time in the middle to make that work so at best it'd be a small nod and probably not even that. Just trying to think if there are any others. December 10 maybe, if you stick with even numbers? 6:08, 10/12, '14. But ideally you'd want the time to be 4:68 and there's no such time unless I carry the 8 over and do it at 5:08 and then you're really effing the system up.

By now I'm pretty annoyed so I'll pop to Choristers and see if any of the lads are there. Usually one or two are but they're with their wives on the way to a restaurant or house party so I wait for them to leave and then go home to ring in the New Year in front of BBC1. Never ever ITV, ever (I chose ITV a few years back and my wife left me 11 and a half months later), then I go to bed.

[Miguel Wilkins]

Alan Partridge on surviving sieges and '50 Shades of Grey'
Simon Reynolds,
2013-11-27,
Digital Spy

Norwich found itself at the centre of media attention earlier this summer when local DJ Pat Farrell took employees of radio station Shape (formerly North Norfolk Digital) hostage for a tense siege that drew in former BBC chatshow host Alan Partridge.

As his exploits come to DVD and Blu-ray I asked the man himself about his hectic danger day, his current taste in music and how – as the writer of autobiography I, Partridge – he feels about the literary success of a certain EL James...

Did the events of Alpha Papa change your perspective on life?
"Not particularly. My colleague Pat Farrell held up a radio station, but I already knew that within every Irishman lies the potential to go loco with a firearm. That's just how they are. I was also pretty cool with the risk of death. I've had a good career, fathered two children (one of whom makes me genuinely proud), seen the world (12 countries in all – UK counts as four), and only once missed a deadline for filing my tax return (long story!). I would miss Deal Or No Deal though. Quite simply, Edmonds is a master. The way he refuses to take any s**t from the banker would – to my mind – have made him the perfect person to lead the government's efforts to reform the UK banking sector. A missed opportunity."

What are the essential things required to survive a siege?
"First and foremost, what the French refer to as 'cojones'. Until you're actually in a life or death situation it's impossible to know how you'll react. For whatever reason I happen to be incredibly brave and strong, but everyone's different. One of the guys in there with us is a bit of a hard man in everyday life, yet faced with a gunman he'd compromised his pants within the hour. You also need a keen sense of humour. Again, fine for me but we happened to be locked up with Dave Clifton and I think he found it tough.

"Also worth thinking about is a secret stash of food. I spotted early on that there wasn't enough for everyone so made it my business to squirrel about 60% away in a cupboard. After the siege the others found out about this and claimed they wouldn't have done the same. My arse."

If the events in Alpha Papa were to be turned into a Hollywood movie, which movie star would you like to see portray you?
"I'd actually like to see it animated. I'm no movie director (I'm Alan Partridge) but it'd clearly make a good Manga film. There were no actual Japanese people in the siege but if it would boost sales I'd have absolutely no issue with being rendered Far Eastern. I'd even be happy to help out with some of the drawing. Not blowing my own trumpet but at school I once drew a shoe in art class and it looked very, very shoe-like indeed.

"You might be surprised that I suggest Manga but I've always been the type to think outside the box. For example, I was the first DJ in Norfolk to attempt traffic updates every five minutes (a worthwhile experiment), while on the domestic front I regularly use the steam from my shower to wilt spinach."

As a best-selling author, what are your thoughts on the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon? Silly smut or credible literature?
"I'm not going to tell women what books to buy (that's Judy Finnegan's job) or how they can boost their libido (not Judy's job but she has some interesting views). But if a woman wants to settle down with a book and manipulate herself to completion at the idea of a millionaire bossy boots, that's entirely up to her. All I'd ask is that she wash her hands before handling food."

What is the most played album on your iPod?
"Like most of the DJs I know, I'm not really into music. I tend to listen to audiobooks, most recently An Evil Cradling by Brian Keenan read by Brian Keenan. Having been a hostage myself I like to think I can understand a little of what he went through, also I accidentally pressed 'purchase' on iTunes when I actually wanted to buy An Introduction to Reflexology (gift for quite nice new-age woman I'm wooing).

"I also like to listen to poetry anthologies. I'm not fussy about the poet, though obviously it has to rhyme. If they can't be bothered to do that, why do they think people would be bothered to listen to it? Other times I'll listen to an audio file I downloaded from the internet of different car engines. I listen to each one then guess what car it's from. I've lost the track listing though so it's quite hard to know if I'm right. A couple of my friends from the pub have suggested that listening to car engines is the kind of thing you'd only do if you were a middle-aged man who lacked human contact but that's actually wrong."

[Miguel Wilkins]

'I wish I'd had one fewer children': Inside the head of Alan Partridge
By Alan Partridge
12 November 2013
Daily Mail

Biggest disappointment?
'It'll sound silly but now and then I still regret shooting a man dead on my chat show. It was a long time ago but I still sometimes think of that day and wish he'd been more careful,' said Alan Partridge

What is your earliest memory?
I was stood on a pavement by a parade of shops while my  mother attempted to parallel-park again and again and again. I ended up shouting directions at the flustered woman until  she got it right.

What sort of child were you?
Above all, I was a good scout. So much so that I later set up an annual bursary prize for Best Scout at my local troop. But when I checked recently the standing order had been stopped years earlier, so I need to look into that.

When did you last feel really happy and why?
I got to sit in a Buick at the Goodwood Revival festival last year while dressed as a gangster and simulating Tommy Gun noises with my mouth. I still have the photos!

What has been your biggest achievement?
Probably redefining broadcasting. I took your Frank Boughs and Selina Scotts and added a breezy quality that changed what everyone thought they knew about television. Can you imagine Daybreak pre-Partridge?

... and your biggest disappointment?
It'll sound silly but now and then I still regret shooting a man dead on my chat show. It was a long time ago but I still sometimes think of that day and wish he'd been more careful.

What are you best at and why, and what would you like to be better at?
I'm a whizz at getting lids off jam jars. The trick is to push downwards towards the jar. I've embarrassed many a meathead/strongman using this technique. Wish I'd been a better dad.

Biggest achievement?
'Probably redefining broadcasting. I took your Frank Boughs and Selina Scotts and added a breezy quality that changed what everyone thought they knew about television,' said Alan Partridge

Who would your dream dinner date be?
Julia Bradbury. We'd go on a walk and the heavens would open. Giggling like teenagers, we dive into a local pub and dry off in front of the fire eating a pie. Then we have a kiss.

What is your biggest fear?
Can't say I'm thrilled with the way Komodo dragons walk (it's a butch lizard stroll), but it'd probably be a sudden spike in interest rates. I've got a buy-to-let portfolio on a tracker mortgage and a one per cent rise will end me.

What is your biggest regret and why?
I wish I'd had one fewer children. They say it costs £140,000 to raise a child to 18. Would my life be better if I'd had only one child but a three-bedroom holiday villa? Of course.

What or who do you dream about?
I often dream that my bedroom window is a ghost's mouth. I know it isn't but I dream that it is.

Who do you most admire and why?
David Cameron. He somehow manages to be both a man of the people and better than us.

What's the worst thing that anyone has ever said to you?
'I don't love you.' I asked: 'Do you mean you don't love me, or you're not in love with me?' Reply: 'Both.'

Which living person do you despise the most –  and why?
I sometimes worry that growing older has mellowed my hatred of things, and with it my passion, my sharpness. But then a youth TV presenter says 'could of' instead of 'could have' and there I am, throwing food at the television.

What is your most treasured possession?
My hair. As a youth I used to keep it long at the back like a superhero's cape. These days I wear it close-cropped, but it never fails to attract admiring glances from women of all ages and socio-economic groups.

Who would you most like to say sorry to?
Owners of Japanese cars. I spent all of the 1980s and most of  the 1990s using my position as a radio DJ to publicly mock them. It was a war waged without respite, without mercy, without humanity. And I know for a fact that it forced at least one local man to consider switching to Vauxhall (in the end he didn't). How ironic then, that I now drive a Toyota Avensis.

How would you like to be remembered?
As the first person to suggest a West Bank-style wall around Norfolk (mark my words, it'll happen).

What's the worst thing you've ever done?
Voted Labour. It was only in an election for the European Parliament, but as soon as I'd done it I knew it was wrong. I tried to ignore the nagging feeling of remorse but less than an hour later I was violently sick near a bin.

When did you last tell a lie – and what was it?
I recently told a woman in a wine bar that I had a double-jointed thumb.

[Miguel Wilkins]

ALAN PARTRIDGE'S 10 WINTER STYLE TIPS
Alan Partridge
November 28th 2013
TopMan.com

Be ballsy
Whatever event you're dressing for, don't hold back. It's all too easy in the depths of winter to lie on the sofa in your giant onesie, wallowing in self-loathing and biscuit crumbs. But don't do it. Haul yourself up, shower yourself down, heavily deodorize and dress to impress (love that phrase). I was having a particularly down-in-the-dumps time of it in December '08 (car had failed MOT) and just didn't have the energy to go to the work Christmas party. But in the end I not only went along, I also bought a leather-look shirt with two-tone tassels from the Macmillan Cancer Research shop and was quite the talk of the town.

Men only
I should add that all my advice is for men. I won't comment on what women should wear because this has caused me problems in the past, despite the fact I do actually know what I'm talking about.

Hats, hats, hats, hats, hats
Did I mention hats? If there's one thing your bonce needs as the temperatures plunge below zero, it's some head clothing. There's a lot of buzz about deer-stalkers this season (full disclosure: I've just made that up), but if you ask me there's no need to look further than the balaclava. For the uninitiated, a balaclava is basically a sock for the head. To many they're synonymous with armed robberies of The Troubles in Ireland, but I love them. I find the idea that people can't see the expression on my face utterly intoxicating.

Festive jumpers
A lot of people in this world, whether my ex-wife or otherwise, take themselves way too seriously. But wearing a festive jumper is a sure-fire way to show that you're not one of these stick-in-the-muds. I once had one depicting Father Christmas pulling a moony and winking. Still cracks me up just thinking about it.

Glovely
This season, I'm rocking a pair of slim-profile deerskin driving gloves with cashmere lining. You can't buy them. Mine are custom-made by a blind woman who goes to church with my assistant. How she hand-stiches them I don't know but I'm assured her fingers are safety thimbled.

Experiment with colour!
I have a white roll-neck sweater that went pink after it was put on a hot-wash with red socks by an idiotic Ukrainian ex-girlfriend. I still wear it speed-walking and feel comfortable playing with gender and sexuality, although I am and have always been completely straight.

Check belt sizes
Although adjustable, they do come in different sizes. If I had a pound for every time I had to make extra holes in a big belt with a skewer, I'd have five pounds!

Always be well-shod
While incidents of trench foot and frostbite are rare in the UK, it pays to be prepared. But it's a little-known fact that footwear can also be fashionable. Gone are the days of all men's shoes being borderline orthopaedic. These days, for under £50 (not each, shoes are almost always priced as a pair) you can be walking around in footwear that says 'I am effing cool right now and I don't care who knows it'.

Stay dry
Keep the cosy IN and the weather OUT by investing in a light-weight but robust set of waterproofs. Whether you know it as a cagoule, gabardine, wind jammer, or windcheater, a good quality jacket will keep the top half dry and safe. Below deck, synthetic windcheater pants (also known as "windpants", "splash pants" or "overtrousers") shield the legs and butt from damp, chill, gust or splash.

Fashion is cyclical.
At the moment wearing fur is a no-no, so until it becomes en vogue again (I give it 18 months), try to avoid anything made from dead animal. Inexplicably, that also includes road-kill.

[Miguel Wilkins]

Alan Partridge: How I became a national treasure
He was a failed chat show host, now he's a movie star: Here Alan charts a remarkable life journey in his own words
Alan Partridge
Sat 27 Jul 2013
The Guardian

Last week on Mid-Morning Matters, my radio and TV show (there's a webcam), I hosted a phone-in that questioned for the first time Jesus's ability to walk on water. My own theories include "thick layer of ice below surface" and "submerged jetty". Yet many of my callers refused to scrutinise Jesus's deeds at all, preferring to take them at face value, even if that betrayed a lack of intellectual curiosity. I was saddened by that, so when I was asked to sum up why I've become a national treasure, I wanted to look at the facts.
What is a national treasure? When does a man or, to a lesser extent, woman go from being roundly liked (James May) to loved – sewn into the fabric of British life like an ear grafted on to a mouse's back? It's a funny thing, national treasurehood. It's not like other hoods, such as "neighbourhood" or "Robin Hood" or "extractor fan hood". It's a concept that's hard to define and even harder to grasp.

Yet it's the Holy Grail (a kind of Middle Eastern cup) for those in the public eye. Kay Burley has a ringbinder on the subject, a dossier of newspaper cuttings she uses to work out why Clare Balding, say, is adored, whereas she has to spend her summer holidays writing to universities to ask for honorary degrees.

In the male TV presenter category, the field is more crowded but I think it's fair to say I'm there or thereabouts. For whatever reason, Eamonn Holmes and myself have broken away from the peloton of over-50s male broadcasters. Alastair Stewart, John Stapleton and Nick Owen huff and puff without gaining ground, while Schofield and Madeley have had to stop by a safety car to be sick (still metaphor). Eamonn and I seem to have gone from strength to strength. Watching him in a bar, working the room, helping himself to crisps and nuts, it's easy to see why he insists the make-up girls at Sky call him Mr Brilliant.

I like to think I share that standing. "How can you? You're not even on the telly," he jokes, before laughing while making a "dzaaah" sound with his mouth which would make some people want to thump him in his stupid throat, but which I find genuinely endearing. He's forgetting that I've done all that. In the 90s, I broadcast to nationwide audiences thanks to two series of my TV chat show Knowing Me, Knowing You (only one was broadcast, the other mapped out on a flipchart). More recently, on local radio, I've sought to refine my audience to a smaller group – sometimes as low as 200 in half-term holidays. But it means I'm making an ever-more personal connection with the public.

So why me? Why am I clutched to the nation's breasts? It's because I'm normal. I'm one of you. I do what you guys do. Get up on a Saturday, make a batch of granola, put some toast on before doing a dozen lunges in front of Saturday Kitchen. (Note to the producers: drop the Omelette Challenge. Just admit it's not working. It reveals next to nothing about the respective culinary skills of the competitors and the raw product served up sets back public confidence in eggs two decades or more. Grow up.)

And that normality, that common touch, that easy way of using slang expressions instead of big words when addressing workmen, has elevated me to national treasurehood. And for that, I thank each and every one of you. Thank you. Each and every one of you.

[Miguel Wilkins]

Alan Partridge exclusive Cineworld interview
2 August 2013
cineworld

Hello, Alan. Thanks for sparing us time today.
Absolute pleasure. Plus it's contractual.

Can you tell us a bit about Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa?
Certainly can and will! It's a powerful piece of work with a capital POW (my phrase). And, like all the great movies, it centres on an incident on the outskirts of Norwich. Critics have described the movie as 'moving', 'great', 'poetic', 'life-affirming', 'action-packed', 'great', 'superb' and 'one of the best ever'. I don't have their names to hand but I could get them for you if you think I'm making it up. But all I'd say is, not all critics have to be published journalists. You could be a critic, I could, my assistant could, some of the people on my pub quiz team could (and are).

Were you interested in film when you were growing up?
I was intoxicated and interested by film, bewitched and bewildered, consumed and concerned. That's why I get so angry when people suggest I know nothing about cinema. I know loads about cinema. As a child, there was nothing I enjoyed more than taking a stroll to the local picture house, buying a big tub of poppers (my nickname for popcorn) and watching Transformers 2, for example, before driving home.

My walls were decked with film posters featuring Burt Reynolds, Rog Moore and, in my sexually curious years, blue-movie star Robin Askwith and the woman who went on to play Alma in Coronation Street. I also have a voucher that entitles me to a certain number of cinema trips over a certain period of time (not read the details) so it's clear I'm passionate about film.

What do you think of the state of the arts in this country at the moment?
I think it needs a kick up the arm, to be absolutely honest with you. We used to be a nation of Shakespeare, Wordsworth, Constable and Essex (David).

Today, we're a cultural backwater, a barren concrete wasteland strewn with stolen shopping trolleys and back-chatting kids where the closest we come to art is an obscene message about someone's mother scrawled on the wall of a filthy underpass. British people – once proud, clever people – now guzzle up television that I frankly could spit at and sometimes do.

And the only movies we produce are about 20th century monarchs or teenagers with bad attitudes. I blame almost all of this on the former Labour government. That's where I come in. I genuinely believe that my film could spark a cultural renaissance as cultural as the Renaissance.

Are you promoting this film in any innovative ways?
I was hoping to organise a fly-past by the Red Arrows. But it hit the buffers early on when I couldn't figure out where I wanted them to fly past. Also I wanted it done in the evening but apparently the Red Arrows boys knock off at five so they can get down to the pub by ten past.

So at the moment my main idea is to lease a small fleet of cars, strap a giant inflatable Alan Partridge to the roof racks of each one and send them out around the ring roads in the UK. I feel it's a really strong concept.

I saw a prototype of the inflatable the other day and – if I'm honest – it looked more like Clare Balding than it did Alan Partridge. But she's a fine-looking woman and if an eight-foot likeness of her draws people to see the film, then as far as I'm concerned it's all gravy.

This film isn't your first foray into the arts. You've also published an autobiography, which was a real warts 'n' all portrayal of your life.
It was warts, verrucas, moles, psoriasis, the lot. I'd even include the blackheads on my nose. I looked at them with a shaving mirror the other day actually. Disgusting. It was like the world's most densely-packed dot-to-dot puzzle. I tried to get rid of them with a blackhead gun made out of a ballpoint pen. But there were simply too many. I just ended up with slightly fewer blackheads and a very red nose. Hey-ho.

Would you ever consider turning the autobiography into a biopic? Who would play you?
Morgan Freeman. Or ITV man John Stapleton. He's not known as an actor – but he will be. I've seen him act out domestic arguments and exchanges with shopkeepers and I've seen enough to know he will become one of our best-loved actors. He has bags of talent.

Do you still pitch TV show ideas?
Not really. I still have killer ideas. They mainly come to me when I'm singing in the bath. Yesterday I came up with Britain's Biggest Cobbler, for example (there are some huge ones in Norfolk, real big lads). But I don't pitch them any more. The audiences just aren't there. Everyone's got six hundred channels to choose from. Not to mention catch-up TV.

No mate, TV's dead. Digital radio, on the other hand, now that's an exciting place to be. Anyone in the world with an internet connection can tune in to my weekday morning show on North Norfolk Digital. For all I know I could have a dedicated fan base in China. Indeed if this Cineworld magazine has reached any of you, Ni hao.

Are you on Twitter?
Am I on Twitter? I broadcast my show over Twitter.

How does that work?
I employ an agency secretary to transcribe the four-hour show, divide it into 140-character chunks and post it line-by-line. Some refuse to type out the song lyrics. Others don't mind. Depends which one you get.

A lot of celebs find Twitter a pretty hostile place. Do you?
The complete opposite. To me, it's a hug from a cherished relative; a pat on the back from an old chum. Yeah, there are sly comments about the clothes I wear. Sure, there are snide remarks about my radio show. And obviously there are a fair smattering of death threats.

Well thanks for talking to us today, Alan. We hope Alpha Papa does really well.
Me too. I've got a loft extension riding on it.

[Miguel Wilkins]

I'm Alan Partridge and I'm proud to be the new culture editor of ShortList magazine.
Alan Partridge
29th July 2013
shortlist.com

Having never read the magazine myself (don't like public transport), I'm told it's a chink of light, a fleeting crumb of comfort for the poor fools crammed into our nation's buses and trains. And that hit home with me. As a daytime radio broadcaster in East Anglia, I, too, offer hope to the hopeless, joy to the grumpy. It's a sad fact that the housewives and jobless who form almost 70 per cent of my audience are worryingly prone to alcoholism (housewives) and suicide (jobless) – as are many of you.

If my guest-editing of this magazine can convince even one person to put down the bottle/shotgun, then I'll have done my job.

(This is also an opportunity to promote my film.)

Thank you.

Alan Partridge,

Cultural Editor

_________________________

Partridge on Inferno
With the news that Dan Brown's Inferno is set for a big-screen adaptation, with Tom Hanks returning as Robert Langdon, our culture editor shares his thoughts on the novel...

There aren't many novelists whose books compel me to read passages aloud to couples I've only just met on holiday, but in Crete four years ago I was like a pool-side Jackanory, holding forth to Brits and Germans alike with page after page of page-turning pages.

The novelist was Dan Brown. The book, The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown (also a major motion picture) and, as well as being sizzling vac-lit (vacation literature, my phrase), it has basically rewritten European history and all theology ever. It really is the 'god's bollocks'.

Inferno, the third of Brown's masterpieces, again follows Robert Langdon – the fictional professor of symbology that is, not the Robert Langdon who runs DPL Car Audio in Hemsby! Two very different characters, I assure you.

Dan Brown's Robert Langdon isn't from Orkney. Nor does he cheat on his wife. Nor does he owe me two grand.

The book's too complicated to describe, but it's very excellent.

Dan Brown's Inferno is out now. The film is due in cinemas December 2015

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Pints & Pistachios Pub Review...
Maid's Head Hotel, Norwich. 20 Tombland, NR3

Sat at the bar one night, I was distracted by a nice daydream and spilled about a gulpful of beer on the bar. I'll never forget what happened next. The barman turned round and – get this – apologised to me, before wiping up the mess and

topping up my glass. Whether he had poor spatial awareness or was just staggeringly servile, I don't know. But I repeated the spill three or four times with the same result. When my guest arrived, we retreated to a quiet corner and laughed for ages. And that's why this is my favourite Norfolk pub.

maidsheadhotel.co.uk

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Book review
I, Partridge (Reviewed by me, Alan Partridge)

My memoir, I, Partridge, is my favourite ever book. I've had my copy clad in deerskin to match my driving gloves, and that natural touch makes the tome feel like a living, breathing piece of work, although I'm assured the deer was dead when skinned. People say, "But is it any good, Alan?" Well, the book was first printed in hardback – quite a coup for a fledgling writer – and its success was such that it was reprinted again months later as a paperback, with slightly different artwork. Soon after, I was invited to lay down an audiobook – so the book could be enjoyed even by people who hate books.

It was also digitised into an e-book. Why would the publisher go to the trouble of distributing the work in four formats if they didn't think it was brilliant? Think about it.

AP £7.99

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To Do List – Date for your diary
St Luke's Bring and Buy Sale

Every Saturday at St Luke's Church & Community Centre, 61 Rigbourne Hill, NR34; free; becclesparish.org.uk

You could do worse then head to the weekly Saturday morning bring and buy sale at St Luke's Church Hall in Beccles. It's a magnet for people who like to buy chipped crockery, knackered board games and the shoes of dead people.

I tend to go down there whenever I'm a bit short of cash. I fill the boot with tat from my local Mencap store, then sell it for twice what I paid for it. I absolutely rinse them. You're supposed to give 10 per cent of all your profits to the church's Africa appeal, but I prefer to give it to my own favourite charity, the National Trust. AP

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Alan's Movie Choice
Titanic (12A)

What a film. When I heard Titanic had a budget of $200m, I was instantly hooked as I love expensive films and expensive items in general. Seems I wasn't alone! With an initial worldwide gross of over $1.84bn, Titanic was the first film to reach the billion-dollar mark. A 3D version earned an additional $343.6m worldwide, pushing Titanic's worldwide total to a sweet $2.18bn. Haven't seen it myself but, as I say, what a film. AP

Prince Charles Cinema, 3 Aug, 12.15pm; 20th Century Fox

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Health and Fitness
Push it like Partridge: Our culture editor reveals the secret to gaining a much sought after six-pack

A retired headmistress I was briefly dating said I had the BMI and muscle definition of a man five-sixths my age. I'd stood up in my underpants to show off the results of a Sizzling Summer abs workout I'd read in the Daily Mail's Femail magazine, and while my abdomen wasn't anything like a six-pack, I enjoyed being able to slap my belly without it making a loud clap. Standing there in the flickering light of a portable TV, letting the former educator look at my body and finish her cigarette, I pledged to remember how good it felt to be fit and strong and promised myself I would develop a workout that could keep me in good shape for ever, and which I could pass on to others.

I never got round to developing that workout. I was distracted trying to get

a towbar fitted to my car for under £150, and forgot all about the day in Celine's bedroom. If you do want to get in shape, though, try to find some old copies of Femail magazine, because the Sizzling Summer abs workout was in there. It would have been around April or May 2011. Think it was Femail anyway. The gist of it was 'do lots of sit-ups'.

The thing I focus on most these days is diet. I've read that Japanese people live longest and I know some people say you should eat Far Eastern food. But I'm not so sure. For example, order a noodle soup from Wagamamamas and you're presented with chopsticks and a spoon – and a tactical conundrum. You see,

it's down to you to regulate your consumption of solids and broth. Too much of the former and you're left with a puddle of empty soup, too much of the latter and it's a cold nest of noodles. It took so much of my concentration, I neglected to chat with my guest, Glen. In the end, I thought, "Sod this" and went and bought a Whopper.

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Alan 's Essential Sport Gear
Speedo Competition Nose Clip (left)

Who says water doesn't burn? Swim through a chlorine-filled pool with your nostrils open and brace yourself for sinus napalm. But this sleek, aquadynamic clip clamps the nostrils firmly shut providing real peace of mind. Comes with reusable case.

Swiggies Wrist Water Bottles (middle)

The biggest advance in hands-free exercise innovation since the fanny pack. Some people think wearing a bottle makes you look stupid, but they're wrong. It looks superb. Like Julia Bradbury, these are good-looking, lightweight and practical.

Montane Terra Pants (right)

A hardwearing trouser highly recommended by Ben Fogle and Alan Partridge. Both buy theirs from Rathbones in Keswick before heading deep into the Lake District. Ben, in order to hike. Alan, to sit in silence and think.

[Miguel Wilkins]

PARTRIDGE IS BACK
His first interview in a decade
Shortlist
2011

Has he left the BBC for good? What became of Monkey Tennis? Will there ever be a follow-up to Bouncing Back? Alan Partridge's triumphant return in new online show Mid-Morning Matters has thrown up some big questions. ShortList shared a Blue Nun with Norfolk's premier broadcaster to find the answers. And he's keen to set the record straight.

Why have you been off our screens and airwaves for so long?
Far from being "off" the airwaves – which'd be news to the listeners who've spent their mid-mornings with me for the last four years – I've actually broadened my audience massively. My BBC chatshow was watched by a cool 900,000 viewers. Mid-Morning Matters, available online, has a potential audience of 1.9 billion. That's an increase of 211,000% – the kind of numbers BBC execs would cream themselves over.

You've had trouble with commissioners in the past. Can you let us in on any recent show ideas that were rejected?
If you want to sneer at me about Monkey Tennis, come out and say it. Because my response is easy. Ridiculed by the British cleverati, Monkey Tennis was snapped up by TV stations in Laos and Taiwan and ran for two successful years. I exec produced for a fee that almost exactly covered the cost of my air fare. After two series, the format reached the end of its natural life and the monkeys were quickly and humanely destroyed.

I no longer pitch television shows.

Had any reality TV offers you've turned down?
I wouldn't have time to take part in any. Period. The diaries of other celebs might be empty, but mine is ram-a-jammed. On Saturday, for example, I saw that Strictly Come Dancing was on. How could I have found time go along and do a rhumba this weekend? I had to re-grout the downstairs Khazi.

Mid-Morning Matters will see you make your online debut. What's the best and worst thing about the Internet age?
Good question(s)! The worst thing is the paranoia. For some time, I refused to point the webcam directly at me because I was told that doing so would reveal my banking details. In actual fact, if someone points a webcam directly at you, it does not reveal your banking details.

You've bounced back again, have you got any more books in the pipeline?
Nothing concrete. I submitted a few pages of a novel to a publisher friend who described it as 'Titchmarsh Lite'. Pretty encouraged by that, so I think I might pursue it. I read the Independent Lite the other day and it's much better than The Independent.

A new government has been installed since we last saw you. What do you think of them and the recent cuts?
I'm just delighted that Cleggy's got himself involved. Seems like a thoroughly OK chap to me. He has no real power but he gets to swan around Downing Street. Think about it – free teas and coffees, use of the photocopier, if he runs out of loo roll at home he can just nick some from number 10, that kind of thing. It sounds very pleasant to me.

What have you had to give up because of the recession?
My monthly donation to Oxfam. Very sad, but with the price of petrol ever-rising, I really do need that pound.

You recently made an angry phone call to Kasabian's Tom Meighan, what went on there? Which modern music acts are you a fan of and which can't you stand?
I'm actually thinking of going into music management. Last Wednesday I saw a mind-blowing new band called Dr Phil. Rather wonderfully, the lead singer is actually a doctor. (Though he's not called Phil.)

How can I describe their sound? Well other than just using the word 'incredible', I'd say they were like a cross between the best of the Tears for Fears (the band, not the album) and the best of Genesis (the album).

If you had been trapped in with the Chilean miners how would you have passed the time?
By mining.

What's your love life like at the moment and are there any women in the public eye you're particularly fond of?
Hey, I'm not ashamed to say I lead a healthy sex life. Fact is, women prefer men of a certain age. We take our time – have to, for cardiovascular reasons. But time has been kind to me, and I've morphed into a fairly attentive and quite generous lover. Have I shocked you? Are you shocked by this? I offer no apology. Yesteryear I'd never have dreamt about broaching this subject, but right now I take pride in my lovemaking. Next question.

It's two years since Sachsgate. Tell us about your biggest on-air blunder.
On my TV chat show, I accidentally shot a man dead with a gun. Does that count or do want me to say another one?

As a former sports broadcaster, what was your take on recent sporting scandals involving Tiger Woods, Wayne Rooney and John Terry?
Each of those guys are big. And big men have needs. Especially when they're fit. Quite simply, if you get a big man in shape he's going to have sex. My question is more about just how rampant these men are. For example, what would happen if you locked Tiger Woods in a room with Wayne Rooney, but Wayne Rooney was wearing a dress and a full face of make-up? Certainly makes you think.

Chris Moyles recently complained on air about not getting paid. Did you understand where he was coming from and have you experienced anything similar?
Chris Moyles reminds me very much of me when I was younger. He's probably my favourite modern disc jockey – edgy, knowing and cool. They should pay him on time. Come on BBC! Pay Chris on time!

North Norfolk Digital is owned by Gordale Media – and they're famously prompt payers. Besides, their CFO lives round the corner so I sometimes pop round and collect it.

Did you throw your hat in the ring to replace Jonathan Ross at the BBC?
Chat can be a very powerful thing. Like a new-born baby or nuclear waste, it needs to be handled with care. That's why I'm delighted that Ross is to be replaced by Norton. Yes he'll take prime time-chat in a new, more Irish direction. But I'm fine with that. He's served his time on BBC2, now he's ready to cross-over to BBC1 and play with the big boys. (Not literally. His sexuality is neither here nor there.)

[Miguel Wilkins]

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[Miguel Wilkins]

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[Miguel Wilkins]

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[Miguel Wilkins]

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[Miguel Wilkins]

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