Alan's Big Bites in Small Chunks (title to be decided)

[Miguel Wilkins]

Thumping Tony Hayers

Superman had Kryptonite, I had Tony Hayers. Here he is standing behind me before the filming of Knowing Me Knowing Yule, during which I punched his lights out with a dead turkey. It's hard to describe the pleasure I felt as the free-range meat crashed into the cheek of the mealy-mouthed commissioning editor. But i'll have a go... Let me see. It was like the combined ecstasy of sneezing while driving over a humpbacked bridge. That's how good it felt when I punched Hayers's lights out with a dead turkey. Afterwards it occurred to me that you could have a turkey-glove boxing event in It's a Knockout. I looked into it but came up against a wall of bureaucratic red tape regarding the contestants' potential contraction of salmonella. I offered to have all the gloves cooked in an oven beforehand but this failed to satisfy them, which proved that the salmonella excuse was just a ruse. It all boiled down to that insidious new cult/fad of 'animal rights'. No one ever mentions human rights.

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This thread is about short bits like this from all over the world of Partridge. If you know something short and sweet, post it up.

[Miguel Wilkins]

The best garage food

The centres of excellence in UK garage food shift year by year. Right now the guys at Esso are absolutely on top of their game. What l love about the Esso team is their refusal to pander to the current fad for fruit and veg. They quite literally say: 'it's my way or the highway. '

They don't have it all their own way, though. l once bought a prawn sandwich from the excellent BP Wild Bean Cafe on the A3 in Hammersmith. l was heading to Bristol but enjoyed it so much that l turned round at Reading services, went back and bought another four. lt was world-class.