Alan's Twitter

[Miguel Wilkins]

Sep 14, 2011
Although deeply suspicious of the motives of social media users, I welcome you to this account on the basis it will boost sales of my book.

Thank you.

Hello?

"Alan Partridge"

This is stupid. I can't see anybody. Lynn?

It's Alan Partridge here, booming a big shout-up to the MySpace Generation. Twit me. This is my official Twitter account. Imposters, cyber-squatters, fakes, identity thieves – swivel. Before I forget! The Daily Mail has launched RightMinds. The one place on the www where common sense is king. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

Thanks for your messages, which were only occasionally hateful.

For those asking questions, you'll almost certainly find the answer in my forthcoming memoir. Quicker just to buy that. http://tinyurl.com/3hntn3y

"Released on September 29" or, in English, the 29th of September.

Less than 24hrs on twitter and already I have 37,000 worshippers.

Sep 15, 2011

Seems Brand Partridge remains a compelling proposition for potential advertisers. If I can hit 1 mill by lunch I pledge to donate £1000 (ONE THOUSAND) to disabled kids. Phased over ten monthly payments. And that offer is GENUINE.

Finally got the hang of these tashhags. #finally #grips #tashhags #got

Can't remember who asked, but it's a tie between sneezing panda and sleepwalking dog. Sleepwalking dog makes me LOL, ROFL, LMAO and LTIGSM (laugh til I genuinely soil myself) (my acronym).


Sep 16, 2011
Spent yesterday evening enjoying a really, really good book. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Partridge-Need-Talk-About-Alan/dp/0007449178

Sat in my custom-built chill-out room. The kinda place where you just come in, flop down on a big chair, chew a sandwich, and get pissed. It has a wicker box full of tracky bottoms and big T-shirts, a bowl of scotch eggs in one corner and a caraffe of home brew in the other. And I've stuck luminous stickers of the moon & stars on the ceiling, so you get an accurate view of the heavens but in a secure environment. It's a good room. It makes me feel very good.

Just been to my local cafe. They sell individual Club Biscuits, one of the few places that do. What is happening to our heritage?? I chose a Snickers in the end, but that's not the point.

Sep 19, 2011

A weekend of unbroken solitude, bar my Sunday Skype chat with Eamonn. Heaven.

Can't decide if I prefer the hardback, paperback, Kindle or audio version of my forthcoming book - I, Partridge: We Need To Talk About Alan. They each give a very different user experience, and actually complement each other beautifully. Wouldn't normally recommend buying 4 versions of the same book, but in this case it really is the smart thing to do.

Anyway... I've a bit of bacon rind lodged in a molar & the prongs of this fork are too fat to prod it out. Off home to use one of mine. #Morrisonscafe

20 Sep 2011
Buy my autobiography from Play.com, and get a copy of my driving licence as a free gift. This was their idea, the photo is invalid and some of the details are wrong. Click here! http://bit.ly/PLAYdl

Sep 21, 2011
I've agreed to do two book signings. Waterstone's Piccadilly (Tues 4 Oct, 6pm) & Waterstone's Norwich Castle St (Wed 5 Oct, 6pm). That said, I notice Waterstone's are yet to provide written agreement to the terms of my rider. You've 24 hours or I jump ship to Borders. My demands are as follows:

I am to be provided with a hot meal immediately after the event. The chair is to be generously cushioned with PROPER LUMBAR SUPPORT. My table is to be positioned in Classics. Not TV, not Autobiography, not Bestsellers – Classics. I demand a clear line of sight to the fire exit in case things turn nasty. Idiots and assholes to be weeded out at queue stage or sooner. Reserve right to do the events via video link if weather not good. Must provide antiseptic hand wash or surgical gloves. Your choice. Reserve right to use signature stamper or stand-in if hand gets over-tired. A-ha shouters to be bundled out back and disciplined. (By security). Absolutely require the hot meal. Please confirm. Then and only then will I appear at your events. Thank you. A. Partridge. http://tinyurl.com/6j9qudk

26 Sep 2011
Hey everyone. How's it hanging? Hope your weekend was ace. Mine was good on both days. Is everyone looking forward to the good weather that's been forecast?? Anyway, must crack on. Ooh, almost forgot..! My memoir 'I, Partridge: We Need To Talk About Alan' is released on Thursday. That's not a plug, it's contractual!!!! NB – this only applies to the hardback, audio and electronic versions. http://amazon.co.uk/Partridge-Need-Talk-About-Alan/dp/0007449178

Skinflints trying to buy the paperback will have to wait a few months – an appropriate penalty for their ridiculous penny-pinching. lol Hundreds of thousands of you asking about the audiobook. Yes, it will be read by yours truly (Alan Partridge). Trevor Eve was unavailable. Nor will it be Henry Kelly (poor diction), Stephen Fry (didn't want to) or John Peel (not returning emails). #hashtag
Alan G Partridge

Sep 28, 2011
Back in chatdom. Appearing on populist lowbrow 'talkshow' The Jonathan Ross Show this Saturday with lank-haired cockney man @wossy Anyone else noticed @wossy can't pronounce his Rs very well??? Listen out for it! #wuddyfunny It seems homosexual musicians 4 Gays At The Piano are no longer welcome on the show. Why? Ask ITV.

Oct 4, 2011
Message for @wossy Did I leave a comb in your dressing room last week? It's blue and it says LA Fitness on it.

On police advice & because I absolutely have to be away on time for a massage, today's book signing now starts at 5pm. http://tinyurl.com/6j9qudk

Oct 5, 2011
Come on, Norwich. What say we show London how to REALLY ROCK a book signing event?? We gonna go crazy 2nite! #waterstones Just to be clear, I'll be signing copies of my memoir at Waterstones on Castle St, Norwich from 6-8. Genuine fans only.

Oct 12, 2011
Just going to change my tie. This one's got egg on it. Had a boiled egg and the tie acted as an unwanted silk soldier. F***ing annoying actually. Can you swear on here by the way? The mood I'm in I can see myself dropping a c-grenade.

By the way, to the person who ILLEGALLY filmed this footage of my book reading at Waterstones: http://bit.ly/YTAPBS I will hunt you down and I will find you. Might not be today. Might not be tomorrow. But should be by the end of this week/start of next. If you want access to my life story, buy the book. Because in this world, ain't no such thing as a free lunch. (Unless you work at the BBC.)

Oct 14, 2011
#FF Freddie Flintoff, Fenella Fudge, Frankie Fraser, Fresh Fields, French Fields, Frank Field, Flip Flops, Fast Forward. #BB Barry Bethell 111100, 111101... "Speaking BINARY now are you, Alan??" No, I'm just counting my followers!!! (Please RT this tweet.)

Oct 18, 2011
An absolute masterclass from @schofe again today. Good to see my feedback/tips taken on board. #thismorning #heckeverymorning!! Maybe a drink one night, @schofe ? You can stay over at mine again. @schofe ?

Oct 26, 2011

Good day to every one of you on an individual basis. FYI. When writing my memoir 'I, Partridge: We Need To Talk About Alan', I compiled a soundtrack of songs to play at key moments in the book. Subsequently, someone I've never heard of has created a 'Spofity playlist' of the songs in question. Find it here: http://bit.ly/ipartridgeplaylist

Two songs – Mamunia by Wings and Pipes of Peace by P. McCartney – are missing, presumably because McCartney won't let Spofity access them. Of course, I'm not asking you to mount a campaign to make the famous bass guitarist change his mind! But if you do decide to put pressure on Lord McCartney (by, eg, chaining yourselves to the railings outside his house) I can't stop you.

Nov 3, 2011
The autobook of my audiobiography is at NUMBER 1 in the iTunes chart. http://bit.ly/rrUL84 In second place? Mr Steve Jobs. YES!!! When I found out I'd beaten the world's greatest living dead man to the number one spot, I punched the air. But in a VERY respectful way. And I have to say, for me to breeze into iTunes and topple the very man who invented it in his own backyard is actually quite brave.

Incidentally, as an nod of respect, I suggested changing the I of the title to an i so it'd be iPartridge. But it's a legal hornet's nest.

Nov 21, 2011

I shall now begin tweetering. Big up, dudies! Really looking forward to doing the two book signings that I am contractually obliged to do this week. WARNING: There'll be quite a long wait time so I urge you to bring snacks. #diabetes That said, anyone attempting to eat strongly odoured foods within Waterstone's will be removed and, ideally, shoved from the entrance. Say what you want about me, but I will not sign books with stinks entering my nose. No-one - repeat NO-ONE - effs with my olfactory system.

Nov 24, 2011

A good day. Since waking at 7, I have (in no particular order) swum, sung, driven, talked, walked, balked and porked - i.e. eaten pork. It has also been brought to my attention that some officially-sanctioned boffins have created an I, Partridge App or an IPA (my acronym). And at 69p it's really not bad value. Personally I'd have priced it at a quid but my lawyers said it wasn't worth fighting over. Grab it here while stocks last. http://tinyurl.com/6ueggvf. PS Anyone know if you can get cancer from burnt toast?

Nov 28, 2011

About to send my 100th tweet! Get ready! Correction: that one was the 100th. This is the 101st. As in the one before the last one was 101st. This is 102. 103, sorry. Which makes this one 104. About to send my 106th tweet! Get ready!

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without" – Confucius. Not sure Confucius worked as well at 106. No disrespect to the wise Chinaman but it lost gravitas not being on a round number. That's actually really annoying because I wanted something profound/old to mark my twundreth. Going to log off and calm down.

Dec 19, 2011

Kim Jong Il has died in P'yongyang. Fittingly, in this book I recount an evening spent in Tokyo - just 800 miles away. http://amzn.to/pavbbO

Jan 23, 2012

Have. It's 'have'. RT @Steve_Roof: I think @ThisisPartridge may of got bored of Twitter

Jan 26, 2012

Calm down dear!!! You know how you used to say that as part of your Esure work? RT @MrMichaelWinner : I Partridge, skimmed thru, worth a read

Mar 8, 2012

Not falling for this, Sue. There's a shop at the end of your road if you've run out. RT @SueC00K : @ThisisPartridge I'm not feeling too well.

Mar 27, 2012

"BBC's Television Centre infested with rats" Oh yeah?? So tell me something I DIDN'T know!!!

Mar 30, 2012

TO CLARIFY. Last tweet was a funny, humourous comment in which I was likening BBC staff to rats. It was a sort of play on the word 'rat'.

Apr 12, 2012

If that was to get me to mention the paperback's out on 26th, it failed. RT @msissons : According to your autobiography, I am your godson. But please say sorry to Peter again. Thank you, @msissons

Apr 19, 2012

Paperback of autobiog(raphy) out next wk. Just been told my PA did NOT need to retype the manuscript. Publisher keeps the Word doc on file!

Apr 26, 2012

After requests far too numbersome to count, I have decided to chronicle my life through pieces of still photography, plus captions. The hope is that this will raise a smile and boost sales of my memoir. Photo: The place of my birth, The Queen Elizabeth Hospital King's Lynn